Hi :) It's a long one!

JenAgain

New member
Hello, my name is Jen and I've been reading a lot the past week on this forum and finally decided to register, introduce myself and see what advice I can get!

I'm 30, been married almost 7 years to the love of my life. Before we got married I was a very sexual person. I had been involved in a couple of threesomes, both MMF and FFM, and enjoyed them. More than that, I felt connections, attraction, and even love with them.

A few years into our marriage my drive seemed to dramatically decrease. I don't know why, I'm very attracted to my husband and enjoy him thoroughly in the bedroom, he's very attentive to my needs. I always blamed it on hormones and kids (we do have two children), but since no longer being on b/c, pregnant or nursing, it still continued along that path.

We have talked before a few times about having another male, or female in the bed with us if the right situation were to come about. He said it would totally turn him on if it were a female, but he thinks he would be jealous if it were a male. I told him I would be okay with a female, but didn't think it would be fair if it only worked one way.

Fast forward to last weekend, and he had a friend over that has been over several times, I consider him practically family at this point. I've always found him somewhat attractive, but each time he comes over, that attraction grows. We all had some drinks, and were all flirting. When we went to go to bed, I asked hubby if I could kiss the friend goodnight. He said yes and friend and I kissed until hubby said, "okay.. okay".

Something about this moment just hit a button with me. After that we had incredible sex all week and I'm still turned on by the whole situation and have been thinking about it a lot.

We did have a couple of conversations about it. I told him how I felt, and that I didn't feel like he wasn't meeting my needs, I don't know why it lit such a fire, but it did. It's not that I would want any guy, but I trust his friend, and I feel a connection with him. He eventually agreed that maybe we could give it a try once and see how it goes but he doesn't sound like he really wants to. He did say that he thinks watching me with another man would make him jealous. From what I read on here, that is a natural feeling, and it's how he deals with that feeling. We discussed that there would need to be boundaries and if we decided to go ahead with it, we would need to set those before hand. He did say it was something that would only be once in a long while.

While I feel like things would be more comfortable if it were a separate relationship, I also feel like that would increase the jealousy issue.

I want to bring it up more with him, but I don't want to push the matter. He's not one to get angry, he's the most laid back person I've ever known, but I don't want to stress our otherwise perfect relationship or even worse, hurt his feelings. There isn't a woman in our life right now that really fits the bill for what I/we are looking for so I don't want him to think I'm being unfair, the right opportunity just isn't there, where as for a man, there is.

I would never leave my husband for anyone. I would never do anything with anyone without his permission. He's the perfect man for me, but sometimes my heart aches to love. I feel like I get plenty of love, I don't feel like I'm missing anything there at all.. but I feel like I can give so much more. It wasn't until stumbling across this site that it hit a chord with my feelings...it honestly brought me near to tears. I don't know how to explain/relate these feelings to my husband or how to get him to understand... or how often I should bring it up without pushing it too far.

Feeling confused. Any insight would help. How do you "come out" so to speak.. as poly? How do you know if that's what you are? How do you come to terms with it if your SO is not?

IF you made it through, thanks for reading. :)

-Jen
 
I jsut realized this probably ended up too long and in detail for introductions.. so Hi! and if you feel this needs to be moved go ahead.
 
Yes, that's the best advice, is to educate him. Tell him the facts & how you feel. Also to maybe prevent one of the mistakes I made when we had a mfm relationship, make sure you do not hang over their relationship. Such as, don't try to make them get along, just tell him how you feel & let them keep their relationship, don't micromanage it. Ryan said that it is important for the guys to respect each other constantly, this will cut down on the jealous reactions I think. Let your "boy-friend" know that his respect is expected. This will hopefully let your husband see that he does have the right to "input" his feelings and discuss different options with you if he needs something.

I honestly think that often jealous feelings are triggered by insecurity (and time management is also a factor he says). It helped allot when I told him I was willing to go at his pace & also that if it wasn't working for either of us that we could stop. There are ups & downs & ups again just as in any other relationship. Just be advised that you can be disappointed and heartbroken. But I really am grateful that I had the experience, it taught me so much! Best wishes for you!
 
Do you know how his friend feels about all of this? We have many friends that would love getting to kiss a man's wife. They'd even more enjoy having sex with her. But, most have no desire for an emotional relationship. Keep in mind we are swingers, but just because this man kissed you doesn't mean he is interested in an involved relationship. A poly relationship for the single mono to join could be daunting to him. I am not trying to rain on your parade at all. I am glad to see you are working together on all of this and the conversations are important, just one more thing to think about with it... Do both of you (and the other man) want it poly vs swinging?

Best of luck, you're in a good place!
 
Hi Jen,

Yep, what you're experiencing is perfectly natural. It's got sound biological basis and is not a 'failing' on anyone's part. Nor does it reflect badly on your relationship.

I'd suggest picking up a copy of "Sex at Dawn" and both reading it. Preferably before you take action. It will do much to put what happens in the future (potentially) in proper context. And this goes a long way towards keeping jealousy in check. Will it still rear it's ugly head ? Probably. But when we understand something it's not so scary and dramatic.

Keep us posted.

GS
 
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice! I am definitely going to read that book, I'm all about reading!

I did actually have a conversation with our friend today, before I even brought more up to my husband I wanted to see where he stood. I didn't get too in detail, but I asked him what his thoughts were about last weekend, and he did say that he felt an attraction towards me, and that he didn't want to step on any toes because my relationship with my husband is most important, and we are like family to him, he wouldn't want to disrupt that. I said I was just curious, that we wanted to discuss things but not if it was a moot point and he said he would be willing to talk with us about it too whenever we were ready. He was in an open marriage before that failed, but they didn't have boundaries or rules, I don't think he's against a poly relationship, and there is definitely that attraction there. Whether it will be Poly or Swinging, I don't know yet, a lot of it depends on my husband, but I would prefer a poly situation.

I did type up almost a repeat of what I've said here as well as proposed boundaries, I get everything out in the right order when I write things as opposed to when I speak. I'm going to have him read it (with me) and see how it goes.

Thank you all again, and I will definitely be frequenting these forums. It's been a real eye opener for me!
 
Well, we discussed things, and he did come here to read and will continue too. I suggested maybe he make a name and ask some questions if he felt.

He's very receptive, and trying to be understanding. He wants me to be happy, but his mind is reeling from all of this information, and he feels change is coming. He doesn't really "get it", but is willing to keep discussing it and give it a try.

I am not unhappy, even if he pulls the plug, I will still be incredibly happy in our marriage, but knowing how much this feels right and normal for me the more I learn will be difficult.

I did get a copy of the book am reading it now, he said he would read it as well. Our friend is most likely coming over this weekend, so we can all discuss it together.

In the meantime, every day we have had more questions for each other, and I feel the communication is going well. I actually feel a stronger connection in our marriage and with my husband.

I'm soo glad I found this site!!
 
Thanks for sharing, JenAgain. Here's a short message for your husband.:

Hubby,

Try, as you explore this new territory, to keep in mind that love is very unlike cherry pie. When you give a slice of cherry pie away, the whole pie doesn't stay the same size or grow. But love can. It often does. Also, if X loves Y and Z, that doesn't mean the love has been divided in half between them. X has a full love for both! (or can).
 
Boy, I've got a lot of reading to do!! I'm Jen's hubby, so I'm sure I'll be seeing many of you in the future.




He doesn't really "get it", but is willing to keep discussing it and give it a try.

I am not unhappy, even if he pulls the plug, I will still be incredibly happy in our marriage, but knowing how much this feels right and normal for me the more I learn will be difficult.




I think this is a big one for me. Ultimately, making Jen happy is my goal. I could probably count on one hand how many times I've said no to her. That being said, if I don't feel comfortable with something, I'm worried that I'll be stifling her, and that she'll potentially have regrets. I know everybody has regrets throughout their lives, but I'd like to keep them to a minimum.

We have done a LOT of talking, and are starting out very slow (if there is such a thing!). Our friend that is going to be included in our relationship is very respectful of our wants and needs, and I have a lot of trust in him. I'm sure it helps that we were friends before he even met Jen, so we have a mutual respect for each other.

Jen gave me some reading material, so if I don't post much, it's probably because I'm reading!
 
Our friend that is going to be included in our relationship is very respectful of our wants and needs, and I have a lot of trust in him. I'm sure it helps that we were friends before he even met Jen, so we have a mutual respect for each other.

Jen gave me some reading material, so if I don't post much, it's probably because I'm reading!

I'd just to comment on how much I like seeing the word "respect" being used.
A great starting point - good luck to you all !
 
I think the biggest thing that I need to remember in this transition in my life, is that I love Jen the person. After seven years, we have grown together very well. We have adapted to many different situations, and have always been on the same page (more or less).

That being said, if Jen decides that she is poly, I need to adapt to the situation, and overcome the things I feel. Ultimately my goal in life is to keep Jen happy. If being with my friend makes her that much happier, be it with him, with me, or both... Then that is what makes me happy.

The amount of intimacy we've had in the last week has been amazing. We've talked about very deep things more than we ever have in our relationship. I think focusing on points like that will help me to get through this situation.


I don't know if I'm poly. I'm probably mono. I feel completely satisfied emotionally and physically by Jen. The situation has never come up that a female could be let into our family, so who knows?
 
welcome newbies!

I'm pretty new here (started a mfm poly triad on 10/10/10) but I just wanted to say I love what you have written, you sound like a great couple and the three of us have felt many of the things you say you are feeling. It's been a fantastic journey for the three of us, although yes at times very hard. I wish you so much luck and so much love! I am so glad to have found this forum as well!
 
Thank you for the positive thoughts! They are much appreciated, and make us feel even more confident in the strength of our relationship.

We did have our friend over again last night and all discussed. I'm going to start a log in Life Stories section :)
 
You guys sound really together. Congratulations on starting your journey from a place of love, respect, and integrity; you're already ahead!

Hubs and I experienced a similar honeymoon period when we opened our relationship. I was so happy to be able to be myself, and couldn't believe there was someone so accepting of me. Big communication boost, for sure!

If your experience follows ours, the next phase will be exhausting. You'll need to constantly communicate with everyone. They might all be good productive conversations, but it will still be draining.

Best of luck to all three of you! This poly rabbit hole is interesting, for sure.
 
We have been down your path many years ago. I look with envy upon your journey because, for us anyways, it was incredible how much we came to understand about ourselves, each other, our partner and even the world around us.
The common saying is that the first three rules of real estate are Location, Location, Location.
I like to say the first three rules of Poly (actually ANY relationship) are Communication, Communication, Communication!
My wife and I have said many times since becoming Poly that if NOTHING else ever came from our life change that we still have a huge benefit from all the communication that we have done over the past number of years.
I have said many times that there is no such thing as jealousy. Jealousy is simply fear. Fear of what will happen, what could happen, will he/she/they still love me, will I still love her/him/them? Open, honest communication will kill that emotion dead imho.
Finally, we firmly believe that Love is not a finite thing. Human beings simply expand the amount of Love they feel to encompass those that are giving them Love. If we are capable of loving multiple parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins then why wouldn't we be capable of loving more than one partner?
Enjoy your journey, we did.
IThink.​
 
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