KT's Blog

Thanks Mono and LR, I always love it when people agree with me ;) but I would never want KT to think that I don't want her to also post here. I'm suddenly nervous about the way this line of the thread might be misconstrued. That was in no way my intention.

Ditto!

I was just thinking-I hope Maca reads your post and goes to look.
I've already suggested he read your blog a few times.

He's struggling again too.

The rollercoaster DOES SUCK.

Unfortunately one has to CHOOSE to get off of the ride.

I've chosen to get off of his rollercoaster by taking myself to the couch.
I share this KT because he's like you-in your role in a lot of ways.

I wanted to share with you where I am at as it might help you some.
I love him. I love him SO MUCH.
But his emotional rollercoaster-it's all his.

HE IS WHO HE IS and that's ok with me.
I'm not asking him to be anything but himself-whoever that is.
But he has to decide if who he is includes being MY husband or not.

You see, I am who I am and who that is includes being polyamorous.

IF Maca told me he couldn't be my husband-I would STILL love him, respect him and honor him. I would in fact still consider him my husband even if he filed for divorce.
I would even willingly move if he needed to move to another state; so that we could continue to keep our kids in touch with both of us EASILY.

I would not go to court. I would settle out of court with him in regards to our kids and stuff. BECAUSE I love him and he has to be REAL with himself just as much as I have to be real with myself.

I haven't a clue what it is he's going to decide he needs. He is different than you in that he has figured out that he CAN be in love with two people at once.
But he's the same as you in that he keeps allowing himself to ride the emotional rollercoaster.

Ironically-all of the advice he's gotten from the christian spiritual perspective, from friends, from family, from the psychologist, from the Dr. etc is all the same as the advice I've shared with you here.....

You and only you can decide to stop allowing your emotions to control your actions. You have to choose what your course of action is, then take the steps to make it happen. It's just that simple. It SOUNDS hard-and getting started IS hard.
But it's the truth.
It's no different than an alcoholic getting clean.
They first have to choose to stop drinking alcohol. No one can make it easier-they have to suffer through the cravings, DT's etc and just NOT PICK UP THE DRINK.

You have to suffer the pain of NOT acting upon those emotions which do not lead you down the path which you want to take.

Only you know what path it is you are going to take.
But it's OBVIOUS that the path of having a loving relationship with 2rings that does not include him loving MG isn't an option.
So you have to stop thinking about it. It's not an option.

Like someone whose legs were blown off at war.
They have to stop thinking about "if I had legs..."
They don't have legs.
They aren't going to have legs.
That life is over-no matter how great it was-its done.
NOW if they want a happy life they have to build a happy life with no legs.

Your life with 2rings only being in love with you-is over.
You have to choose to have a happy life without him
or
choose to have a happy life with him that includes him being in love with MG as well.................

In truth-we all have these choices in life.
For those of us who are poly they aren't about the being in love with another issue.
BUT-we ALL have these choices in life and they are HARD CHOICES for all of us.
 
I feel disrespected, not valued, and unappreciated. I feel like a second class citizen in my own marriage. I feel like he is more concerned about MG's needs and wants than those of his own wife. It breaks my heart because despite all that - I still love him with all of my heart, body and soul. But the person I love the most is the one who is hurting me the most.

Opening ourselves to love also means opening ourselves to the hurt that those whom we love can inflict upon us.

Sometimes just letting ourselves feel the hurt is all we really need to do in order to no longer feel it.
 
That is an important and very good point.

If you want money-you have to accept that it comes with a head AND tail, not just one or the other.

You can't have the deep, grandeur of Love's gifts if you aren't willing to accept the deep, agony that goes with the RESPONSIBILITIES to be Loving.

I used to battle this A LOT in my relationships.

One day I decided to try to actually LIVE 1st Corinthians definition of Love.
It's not easy.
It's not easy AT ALL.

I don't advice starting with a significant other.
It is in fact easier with your children (imho) and that would be a better starting spot.

But if you really want to get down and dirty in truly enforcing in your own self to be lovING all of the time-start forcing yourself to uphold all of those rules.

I have it posted all over my house and on a bracelet I wear all of the time.
I tell you what-I find I am PERSONALLY less unhappy and miserable when I DO THAT.
Hell if I know what other people feel like about me doing that-but it sure helps me.
 
If you want money-you have to accept that it comes with a head AND tail, not just one or the other.


This analogy makes no sense. How does the two sides of a coin or dollar bill represent the hurt that is the risk we take when we love? Heads and tails are just pictures. There is nothing that indicates one represents the positive side of money and one represents the evils of money.

Notwithstanding that, I disagree that hurting othrs is a necessary and inescapable part of experiencing love. I think that's a cop-out for people to justify bad behaviour.
 
Notwithstanding that, I disagree that hurting othrs is a necessary and inescapable part of experiencing love. I think that's a cop-out for people to justify bad behaviour.

I didn't say that it was a necessary and inescapable part of love, I said
Opening ourselves to love also means opening ourselves to the hurt that those whom we love can inflict upon us.
To me that means they are ABLE to hurt us more easily than those we don't love or care about. That doesn't mean they will.
 
Apologies to you Kt if you feel that your blog has been somewhat hijacked. Neon we don't actually know what has brought on KT's latest attack of the blues other than overhearing a conversation in a lunchroom. I know that I've managed to feel very sad over love when Z has been away with J, even when at the outset I was perfectly happy. The coin analogy probably isn't the best analogy but I get what LR is trying to say. We have to take the challenging with the wonderful and get away from the idea that we can change a person from being polyamorous anymore than we could give them legs if they had none.

A very wise women posted something this morning that has stuck with me - We have to decide at some point whether we love the person we have or the fantasy of the mono person that we would really like but doesn't actually exist.

And as an aside what would we do without KT's postings to get us all going?
 
Kt and sage- I'm going with the assumption that kt just wants to vent. I'm thinking you have a lot of empathy and solutions now... Vent away my dear, if anything new comes up I will be sure to chime in. Otherwise I only see two options; decide to stay and take on a positive attitude, or end your marriage and move on to something that creates positivity in your life. The way I see it is that 2rings has chosen what makes him feel positive and happy, mg has chosen the same; its up to you now to chose. Its only a matter of time now I think and I am reading and waiting.
 
I am here - I have been reading all of the posts - I just don't have it in me to respond right now. This latest down spiral isn't because of the conversation I overheard in the lunchroom or even necessarily about my husband loving MG - but because of my needs not being met or even taken into consideration. What him and MG want and where they want this to go is beyond what I can handle - but they don't care. They want what they want and I'm in their way. As someone PM'd me - it's more like she's his wife and I'm just an interloper whose getting in the way. We aren't a team anymore. His priority is no longer us - but them. He can't just be happy with having a girlfriend - he has to push it farther with no care how I feel. I'm his wife. I have stuck by him through thick and thin for 20 years. She's been here 18 months and her wants and needs are more important to him than mine. That's bullshit! What about our marriage vows? Is this how a husband should treat his wife? No - it's not.

I said more than I wanted and I'm not sure I've made myself clear. Probably not. I've been crying on/off all day, my rings are still off and instead of being here with me trying to work this out - he's out with her.

I'll write more later tomorrow and I will respond to today's posts.

Thanks - Kat
 
Before
 
A very wise women posted something this morning that has stuck with me - We have to decide at some point whether we love the person we have or the fantasy of the mono person that we would really like but doesn't actually exist.

And as an aside what would we do without KT's postings to get us all going?
Precisely.

There is an assumption where I am from that heads is positive and tails is negative.
Thus why the coin analogy made sense to me-one side is positive, one negative but you can't have one without the other and they can work together in such a way as to be just working-and not positive or negative.

As for the pain that comes with love;
there IS pain with love.
It's not about THEM hurting you per se-
often times it's your OWN self that hurts you.

Which is what I see happening here.

KT is hurting herself in her love-because she's trying to hold on to a fantasy instead of decide if she does or will love and accept reality.
 
KT-

It's ironic what you say in that last post-because Maca OFTEN perceived it that way in regards to us.
Then this morning he said to me that he perceived it that way and that now he realizes it was never about me not caring about his needs.

What it REALLY was-and this is ME explaining-is that I no longer was willing to meet his needs INSTEAD of my own. If I can meet my own needs AND his-I will.
But if his needs are such that I can't meet them without sacrificing my own true self-then he needs to find someone else to meet those needs.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together. YOU need to make sure that YOU get your needs met and HE needs to make sure that HE gets his needs met.
It's not fair to expect that he not get his needs met in order to meet yours and it wouldn't be fair to expect you to not get your needs met in order for him to get his met.

BUT-it's YOUR JOB to meet your needs-not his. He can HELP if it doesn't mean screwing over his own needs.
It's HIS job to meet his needs-not yours. You can HELP if it odesn't mean screwing over your own needs.
 
KT-

It's ironic what you say in that last post-because Maca OFTEN perceived it that way in regards to us.
Then this morning he said to me that he perceived it that way and that now he realizes it was never about me not caring about his needs.

What it REALLY was-and this is ME explaining-is that I no longer was willing to meet his needs INSTEAD of my own. If I can meet my own needs AND his-I will.
But if his needs are such that I can't meet them without sacrificing my own true self-then he needs to find someone else to meet those needs.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together. YOU need to make sure that YOU get your needs met and HE needs to make sure that HE gets his needs met.
It's not fair to expect that he not get his needs met in order to meet yours and it wouldn't be fair to expect you to not get your needs met in order for him to get his met.

BUT-it's YOUR JOB to meet your needs-not his. He can HELP if it doesn't mean screwing over his own needs.
It's HIS job to meet his needs-not yours. You can HELP if it odesn't mean screwing over your own needs.

LR, isn't that just a definition of being selfish though? I mean to me, a marriage is special because you do cherish the other person and want to fulfill their needs.
That is what makes marriage different to living together. People live together because their needs coincide for a time. When they don't they can walk away.
Maybe I am old fashioned but I don't agree with you.
I don't see that KT is hurting herself.
She has tried to accept poly but 2r and MG are not playing by the rules of poly. Instead they are ganging up on her and deciding for her how things are going to go. It is their way or no way.
KT getting HER needs met-as you say she must- depends on 2r listening to her and respecting her and doing what she wants in some things.
 
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@vodkafan

I'm with LR on this one but for me having needs met is the superficial/practical level of the whole thing. The fundamental level for me is loving yourself first and in so doing so then being able to love others in a way that isn't clogged by neediness and dysfunction.
Having said that I am the first one to acknowledge how difficult that is in a long term marriage because the practical level seems to outweigh the fundamental.
 
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The fundamental level for me is loving yourself first and in so doing so then being able to love others in a way that isn't clogged by neediness and dysfunction.

In all her posts here (and I have read them all) KT comes over as rational and logical in her examination of her situation.
I don't think she is dysfunctional. She is just mono.

Not only that but KT is also supposed to be the primary. Does 20 years and children count for nothing? Does KT have to accept being secondary to MG and 2r now because she doesn't share their poly mindset?
 
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Not only that but KT is also supposed to be the primary. Does 20 years and children count for nothing? Does KT have to accept being secondary to MG and 2r now because she doesn't share their poly mindset?

You make a lot of assumptions in the other direction. You are assuming 2rings and mg spend a tonne of time together. You are assuming that MG is trying to really inject herself into their lives as a whole. You assume MG wants 2rings as a primary when she has clearly stated having a loving husband and kids and her own family.

Please remember, this is a one sided blog, MG and 2rings can't put their positions into this at all. The blog is 100% one sided, as all blogs are, so the information is heavily biased to the poster herself. You are making a lot of judgments based on a single side.

Not to mention, in response to your actual question. They have stated they are broken up. There is no primary or secondary designations now.
 
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OOps, sorry KT if reading that upset you. I wasn't meaning you are in particular dysfunctional. It was more about the way we love can be dysfunctional when it prevents ourselves and the person we love most from being happy.

@Ariakis
They are obviously back together in some capacity because KT said they were together yesterday.
 
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Please remember, this is a one sided blog and MG and 2rings really haven't put their positions into this at all.

Nor will they, whether directly or via a third party.
 
I do plan on responding - but it's been an emotional day and I'm just too tired right now to write a coherent response to all of your posts.

I'll re-read everything tomorrow and will respond to everyone.

Good night!

Kat
 
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