Total Reprogramming

Beatbox, I would add to my list your 2 and 5 and a variation of your 3. Thanks for those reminders.

That's great. I'm glad you feel that way, makes me feel we are on the right track with this.

I would agree entirely on knowing who my husband is involved with. That way we can talk about them and his situation.

I have a thing about knowing who is touching him. It makes me feel closer to them somehow so why would I not want to know who I feel closer to. Does that make sense?

I guess I feel that there should be some space given to the new relationship and that perhaps the details could be left out. I can understand more in a vague, general disclosure maybe. But, the truth is, she will ask regardless. I think her curiosity will get the better of her on most anyone I date. I know her well. :D

This evening I went to see if I could get the number of that waitress, whose name I found out. The whole thing felt odd, mostly because I'm out of practice and this was kind of a bold move on my part...for me at least.

Now, here is a situation where I'm never going to meet this person anywhere else. I see her and I'm attracted to her, so do I just let it go?.....No I go back the next day, sit, have a drink and talk to the people around me. She sees me again and so at some point I just ask the bartender to give her my number.

Well, the approach seemed reasonable at the moment. ;)

But now I'm thinking, what if she calls? How do I explain this whole thing to her? When do I tell her? That kind of thing....I will read around for some answers.
 
Holy crap you poly people got your work cut out for you :p

Sometimes I just roll my eyes and laugh at all the stuff we talk about on here lol!

They could definitely make a show about our lives..but not "The Family"...apparently it makes us look like dorks to mainstream relationship practitioners :eek:
 
You seem to at least want to have the answers people are looking for. Perhaps you have graduated to a degree that you can look around at us, or just me, and find these things amusing :D

Like watching a pet search around in new territory can be both interesting and funny because they haven't discovered all the surprises yet. I should think you have it pretty put together over there.....

I'm freakin 33 years old and I feel like a kid again now that our playground went from the swing, to monkey bars, a slide, a tire swing, and, well you get the point.

If the show were going to be any good it would have to be on Skinamax. Anything less would be a disservice. HBO has Big Love Showtime Californication and while that's not the same thing, there is hardly room on those channels for a poly show......But I do agree. You can play the lead character Mono. ;)
 
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It does feel strange beatbox... I think women have it a lot more easy. They just kind of announce that they are free and men come to them. I feel bad for all you men on the dating scene. Especially Poly dating!!! geesh, hard work. Still, try and enjoy it. You sound like you are! Remember you are not alone and have your wife to talk to and muse about the whole thing with... she could give you some points on what she think would work and what your strong points are that should be brought forward. This seemed to help my husband. I thought he was the cutest thing ever when he was dating a lot. My problem was not following behind him to yell at his date that they better treat him right or I would be after them! :D:p I am so protective over my men :eek:
 
Beat & Pepper

Beat:
I just want you to know, I'm your age, and this is AS new. Maybe a week. But I've embraced that attitude almost instantly. I am as happy as can be right now. This will work out and be grand and yes, I've already grown in many ways since I found an ideal that worked for me and my wife.

Furthermore, I think the search for another will just be as meaningful and fun, although it will have some extreme lows along with the rollercoaster ride of Highs.

And Red Pepper:
You are absolutely right in that regard, worse yet, most of the people that I know that I have suspicions about them being poly are, but they are single or at least have no kids. (Then again, almost none of my friends really have kids or they're not at home anymore.)
 
It does feel strange beatbox... I think women have it a lot more easy. They just kind of announce that they are free and men come to them. I feel bad for all you men on the dating scene. Especially Poly dating!!! geesh, hard work. Still, try and enjoy it. You sound like you are! Remember you are not alone and have your wife to talk to and muse about the whole thing with... she could give you some points on what she think would work and what your strong points are that should be brought forward. This seemed to help my husband. I thought he was the cutest thing ever when he was dating a lot. My problem was not following behind him to yell at his date that they better treat him right or I would be after them! :D:p I am so protective over my men :eek:

Well, my wife thinks I should be up front with everyone I date right off the bat. And I agree from an ethical point of view. However, from a probability POV I think I should give it some time. Let them get to know me. Decide whether or not I am someone they like, then tell them.

Two schools of thought, and the 3rd option.....don't tell them....which is neither practical nor ethical. Disaster would soon follow. I prefer to keep things civil.

And pepper, I appreciate you acknowledging this about the males having their work cut out for them. It may get rough and maybe even lonely.

Perhaps this girl will call me, maybe not. She didn't last night, but it was not unexpected seeing as how I had no "IN".
 
I always aired on the side of telling them right away. I always figure that someone will know they are interested in me in the first few moments of meeting and therefore they should also know the deal in those first few moments too.

I can't remember what I said to Mono, maybe he remembers, but I find it impossible not to talk about my husband and son as they are a huge part of my life. So I get it out of the way and then act like it's nothing unusual and totally normal, which it is to me anyways... acting like I am just me is the best I can do... often there are a lot of questions and I answer them in complete honesty and without taking on their judgment or jealousy, just stay humble.... "yup, I get to fuck three lovely men and thoroughly have my cake and eat it too :) lucky me."

I have the type of personality and character though that people seem to just accept and respect my openness and honesty. I am never shy, cautious or have any hesitation in telling people details about myself. Especially sexual details and fine print! I find it invigorating and a challenge... I think it is written all over my face in a cheeky self confident way :D
 
we kinda "grok?" sorry, I don't get it:confused:

Grok
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

To grok (pronounced /ˈɡrɒk/) is to share the same semiosphere or line of thinking with another physical or conceptual entity. Author Robert A. Heinlein coined the term in his best-selling 1961 book Stranger in a Strange Land. In Heinlein's view, grokking is the intermingling of intelligence that necessarily affects both the observer and the observed.

From the novel:
Grok means to understand so thoroughly that the observer becomes a part of the observed—to merge, blend, intermarry, lose identity in group experience. It means almost everything that we mean by religion, philosophy, and science—and it means as little to us (because of our Earthly assumptions) as color means to a blind man.​

The Oxford English Dictionary defines grok as "to understand intuitively or by empathy; to establish rapport with" and "to empathize or communicate sympathetically (with); also, to experience enjoyment."
 
I always aired on the side of telling them right away. I always figure that someone will know they are interested in me in the first few moments of meeting and therefore they should also know the deal in those first few moments too.

I can't remember what I said to Mono, maybe he remembers, but I find it impossible not to talk about my husband and son as they are a huge part of my life. So I get it out of the way and then act like it's nothing unusual and totally normal, which it is to me anyways... acting like I am just me is the best I can do... often there are a lot of questions and I answer them in complete honesty and without taking on their judgment or jealousy, just stay humble.... "yup, I get to fuck three lovely men and thoroughly have my cake and eat it too :) lucky me."

I have the type of personality and character though that people seem to just accept and respect my openness and honesty. I am never shy, cautious or have any hesitation in telling people details about myself. Especially sexual details and fine print! I find it invigorating and a challenge... I think it is written all over my face in a cheeky self confident way :D

I absolutely LOVE that about you, Red! I'm working toward that goal myself.
 
RP: I have to say that this is my planned approach too.

I don't want to waste a lot of time skirting the issue and it is an intense issue, but I hope that my personality and my body language are able to deliver that issue well. Furthermore, I'd hate to ask someone out and then after they say yes and before the date they learn that I'm married and am poly from someone else. Like that person can say it better or for me. I want to be the person who tells them. Doing so sooner than later ensures that.
 
Let me just take this moment to thank everyone for being so understanding and accepting about this. I appreciate all of the comments and I feel much better with you guys being a support group.

Honestly, I have always wanted more than one partner/lover/emotional friend, but I think I was just conditioned to think that it would never happen for me. Making it feel normal is probably one of the best things that has ever happened for me.....again thank you for your warm welcome. I will be a regular here, for sure.
 
Grok
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

To grok (pronounced /ˈɡrɒk/) is to share the same semiosphere or line of thinking with another physical or conceptual entity. Author Robert A. Heinlein coined the term in his best-selling 1961 book Stranger in a Strange Land. In Heinlein's view, grokking is the intermingling of intelligence that necessarily affects both the observer and the observed.

From the novel:
Grok means to understand so thoroughly that the observer becomes a part of the observed—to merge, blend, intermarry, lose identity in group experience. It means almost everything that we mean by religion, philosophy, and science—and it means as little to us (because of our Earthly assumptions) as color means to a blind man.​

The Oxford English Dictionary defines grok as "to understand intuitively or by empathy; to establish rapport with" and "to empathize or communicate sympathetically (with); also, to experience enjoyment."

Wow, cool! thanks.... :)
 
Well, my wife thinks I should be up front with everyone I date right off the bat. And I agree from an ethical point of view. However, from a probability POV I think I should give it some time. Let them get to know me. Decide whether or not I am someone they like, then tell them.

Two schools of thought, and the 3rd option.....don't tell them....which is neither practical nor ethical. Disaster would soon follow. I prefer to keep things civil.

And pepper, I appreciate you acknowledging this about the males having their work cut out for them. It may get rough and maybe even lonely.

Perhaps this girl will call me, maybe not. She didn't last night, but it was not unexpected seeing as how I had no "IN".

We've been discussing this the last few days. I think I think (no that's not a typo, still considering) that it needs to be said before anything sexual occurs. But if you are just saying hello-getting to know someone, I'm not sure at that point it's NECESSARY. I haven't decided.
For me I just tell people,Yeah I'm poly and no I'm not available. Because that's the case... But for maca... well see-I'm not really possessive in one sense. I don't mind if he makes friends and waits for the time he knows they aren't just "hello every morning at the coffee shop" people to tell them... on the other hand I'd be boiling mad if he had sex without them knowing he was married...
 
I always aired on the side of telling them right away. I always figure that someone will know they are interested in me in the first few moments of meeting and therefore they should also know the deal in those first few moments too.

I can't remember what I said to Mono, maybe he remembers, but I find it impossible not to talk about my husband and son as they are a huge part of my life. So I get it out of the way and then act like it's nothing unusual and totally normal, which it is to me anyways... acting like I am just me is the best I can do... often there are a lot of questions and I answer them in complete honesty and without taking on their judgment or jealousy, just stay humble.... "yup, I get to fuck three lovely men and thoroughly have my cake and eat it too :) lucky me."

I have the type of personality and character though that people seem to just accept and respect my openness and honesty. I am never shy, cautious or have any hesitation in telling people details about myself. Especially sexual details and fine print! I find it invigorating and a challenge... I think it is written all over my face in a cheeky self confident way :D

Ditto (but not 3 men!) I think I need some kids to grow up and move out if I want a third partner!:eek:
 
Date poly first.

Let me just take this moment to thank everyone for being so understanding and accepting about this. I appreciate all of the comments and I feel much better with you guys being a support group.

Honestly, I have always wanted more than one partner/lover/emotional friend, but I think I was just conditioned to think that it would never happen for me. Making it feel normal is probably one of the best things that has ever happened for me.....again thank you for your warm welcome. I will be a regular here, for sure.


I'm new to both dating and to being poly and I've been struggling with the "when to tell" thing. There's been kind of a steep learning curve, to tell the truth. I do think it's different for me as a woman, but, Beatbox, if at possible, you will find it considerably easier to start by dating a polygirl rather than approaching someone who will very likely not be cool with you being married.

Several times recently, I've dated mono men and I found them particularly difficult because they really didn't want to hear that I'm dating others, they sort of dismissively said yes, they were fine with me dating others or whatever, then, very quickly, changed their minds. It got stressful so I've taken a break from them for a while.

I think, though, that if you didn't tell a mono woman up front, she'd be pretty p*ssed if you're married. Single and dating others, you could probably get away with til the second date. But most mono women want relationships and they don't want to waste time with someone who really isn't available to them. Polygirl, Beatbox, give it a try. OKCupid can be a nice place to find polyfolk.
 
if at possible, you will find it considerably easier to start by dating a polygirl rather than approaching someone who will very likely not be cool with you being married.

.

Great advice! I am a huge fan of getting it out there right away so why not search in circles already aware and accepting of poly.

Oddly enough Redeppper searched for a very long time amongst other more like minded people and ended up with me! How ironic is that LOL!

It just goes to show that some relationships are found and some were just meant to come into your life.
 
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