Hello and feeling bitchy

thunkybunny

New member
Hello everyone. Hope you're all happy and healthy. I am a scholar in the social sciences, so I am quite aware of the challenges to relationships whether they be monogamous or non-monogamous. I had an experience as an outsider to one half of an established couple that turned out to be a bloody nightmare. The couple boasted many years of practicing poly and claimed to have a good grasp of the basics. However, it turned out that they were an extremely unsafe couple sexually and emotionally. They talked the talk, but could not walk the walk. Both were very prone to jealousy, despite the fact that I was neither seeing nor having sex with anyone else at the time. Both were habitual finger-pointers instead of responsible caretakers when it came to problems within their relationship and their relationships with others. Both failed to communicate on important decisions that affected my life (e.g. new sexual partner with the person I was dating, rule and schedule changes). They demanded respect for their relationship, but failed to reciprocate respect for other relationships. Their relationship had codependency and folie à deux written all over it. The person I was dating and I had discussed early in our relationship that they would need to treat me as an equal human being instead of a pet, but they could not follow up on that in practice. My patience with them ended and I had to put my foot down with an ultimatum, to which the person I was dating responded with "just friends" and "casual". After that, everything ended. I have read elsewhere that such problems are common. I remain angry as hell about the experience, though it was an interesting learning opportunity. It's a shame that people can adopt the "poly" label to excuse themselves of poor behaviors. I am discouraged by the experience, but I don't want it to bias my future relationships.
 
First, welcome.

Second, I'm sorry you had a bad first experience with polyamory. It's not all like that, I promise! You just have to be on the lookout for people who don't seem to know what polyamory really is. A few months ago I was approached by a couple seeking a unicorn. I figured out over the course of one lunch date that all they really wanted was a sexual plaything to liven up their miserably failing sex lives, and a babysitter that they didn't feel obliged to pay.

Poly is a wonderful lifestyle, for those who truly want to make the emotional connections, and for those who have the maturity, respect, and discipline to make those multiple connections work. I'm sorry that the first couple you dated wasn't like this, but I'm glad that you're here to learn more, and not shutting out polyamory completely.

At any rate, I hope you find what you seek on these boards. See you around!

Also, let me be the first to point you to Franklin, the poly guru:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
 
Welcome ThunkyBunny !
I hope you find conversations useful and share (as you did here) your own trials and tribulations.

Speaking of which - your post was timely for me in that I was considering starting a thread addressing the whole equation that you outlined here.
Maybe you'd like to take what you have written here as a new General thread (question) of what - as a community - we might all do to minimize or eliminate this common issue for those that come behind.

Enjoy !

GS
 
I don't blame you for feeling bitchy! What a horrible experience to have to go through.

Unfortunately it is very common in the poly world. You get people who know the theory back to front, have all the right jargon down and say all the right things, but then can't do it when it comes to actually living it.

...and you get those who use poly as a crutch, believing that adding someone else can make up for some perceived lack in their relationship. It rarely works, and often becomes manipulative. Rules are laid out with no rhyme or reason, and the wishes, feelings and priorities of the "new person" are ridden over rough-shod.

In my opinion it's inexcusable, and I wish I could say that these were exceptions, but they're not, and it means that people entering a poly relationship have to be very very careful, looking for the so-called "red flags". There are a couple of threads on that topic on this forum about it.

I do hope that your nasty first experience hasn't soured you completely to polyamory, but that instead it just showed you more of what you don't want in a non-monogamous relationship.
 
Thunkbunny,

I had a similar experience with the two women that were my first poly relationship. My lifemate Jez and I adopted some rules about who and what we were looking for specifically, and it has helped us avoid disaster on several occasions. its good to be clear with precisely what it is you want before you enter into any kind of poly relationship, and not tolerate any deviance from it.

IE, I am jealous of other guys, and very territorial ((stupid triple y chromosome >.<)) but I am entirely indifferent of her relationships with other women. so "no other men" became one of our guidelines. neither of us is interested in "flings" so we do not do that either.

etc, etc, ad infinitum. I hope your experience will not ruin your potential poly lifestyle.
Shalom
Appolyon
 
I completely understand. I subbed for them on multiple occasions and often felt that their demands went beyond the bounds of play to actual abuse. hopefully you will be able to recover and let go of those bad times. ((HUG))

Shalom, sister. may the peace of the Light be with you.
 
If it ain't communication, it ain't poly.

Thank you. The hardest part was being treated as if I was sub-human. I should have walked away sooner.
Yes. Insist on the communicate, communicate, communicate mantra, and in such a 2+1 situation, it's their responsibility to meet you, communication-wise. ..If it ain't communication, it ain't poly.
 
Their relationship had codependency and folie à deux written all over it.

Welcome Thunkybunny!! :)
Yeah....it's very frustrating to be involved with people who do not have an emotional maturity. I've written some things about a codependent couple that I've been involved with. Unfortunately, our culture promotes codependency. Such ideas as "you are my everything" "I can't live without you" "I don't know where you end and I begin" are considered to be normal thoughts when in a relationship.

I did notice the dysfunction with this couple right away and chose to be involved with them anyway for the experience. As a result, I have not been surprized or hurt by their dysfunction. Maybe, I have experienced moments of disappointment, but then I remind myself that I made this decision to be involved with them, knowing full well how crazy it will be- so at that point when I take responsibility for my decision to be involved, I move from being a victim to being a person trying to have an experience and willing to suffer a bit and then move forward. It's amazing how taking responsibility for my choices (which are made will full awareness) prevents me from ever feeling victimized.

The problem would be (as I see it) to become involved with a dysfuntional person or couple thinking that somehow they are going to change just because you want them to..... because "that 'ain't gonna happen" as we say down here in the South!!

Anyway.....it's crazy to imagine that you might move into a poly lifestyle without using discernment because all poly people are supposed to be well adjusted, emotionally mature and highly evolved.

It's like going to church and expecting all of the people you encounter there will be kind, loving and accepting.....NOT !!! :cool:
 
Welcome Thunkybunny!! :)
I did notice the dysfunction with this couple right away and chose to be involved with them anyway for the experience. As a result, I have not been surprized or hurt by their dysfunction. Maybe, I have experienced moments of disappointment, but then I remind myself that I made this decision to be involved with them, knowing full well how crazy it will be- so at that point when I take responsibility for my decision to be involved, I move from being a victim to being a person trying to have an experience and willing to suffer a bit and then move forward. It's amazing how taking responsibility for my choices (which are made will full awareness) prevents me from ever feeling victimized.

Well said. Learning and moving on. :D
 
From what I've experienced and read elsewhere, it seems that a lot of people don the 'poly' label and ideologies to avoid doing the most basic work of relating like communication. "You own your feelings", etc. Pretty insane considering the unsafe behaviors that accompany such attitudes. I find that very troubling. Hard to get much traction for a social movement when such people leave trails of potential death and destruction behind them. I fear that as open relationships catch on, more and more irresponsible people will abuse the 'poly' label. I'll use better judgment next time.
My friend and I agree that this article captures my experience perfectly: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/polypeople.shtml
 
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From what I've experienced and read elsewhere, it seems that a lot of people don the 'poly' label and ideologies to avoid doing the most basic work of relating like communication. "You own your feelings", etc.
I totally agree with you - I have seen some very destructive people (either to themselves or others) don the poly mantle because they failed at a monogamous relationship.

This is why, when I meet a poly person, I don't automatically think that they have to have more integrity, compassion, or even general humaneness than the average person. I observe and learn.

I even know one so-called poly person who is a control freak - it seems like his reason for being poly is just the feeling of power at being able to manipulate more than one woman at a time. His poly is most definitely not mine. ;)
 
insight

I am enjoying this thread!

Being part of a "couple" with a third and wanting ever so much for each of us to feel respected and appreciated, it gives me a lot to think about.

Our relationship, specifically, is very new and poly itself-is brand new to all of us.

We want our new partner to feel respected and loved and for her to feel that she is an equal within the triad. The lines of communication are completely open.

One of the things that I have spoken to her about is the need for my husband and I to continue to do the things that we do that help us to maintain what we consider to be a very healthy and fulfilling relationship- at least until or if the triad becomes more the "thing" than the exception. We cant have our issues interfering with her health and enjoyment. She completely understands this. But- does this fall in the category of co-dependence?

Do any of you know of common "triggers" that contribute to out-of-house partner having negative experience?

Sorry to have what I am sure are BASIC questions- I am coming from a place of love and interest.

Thanks!
 
How about this? No unilateral decision making when there are consequences for another person.

Suppose you drive the family car to work everyday, and are in the habit of returning home by 6pm. One day, you have a crappy time at work and decide to go for a few drinks before taking a taxi home. You stumble through the door to your house at 11pm. Your family is upset because they thought you might have had an accident and have spent the last hours calling hospitals to find you. Furthermore, your family have no access to the car until the next evening. Now, your family is mad at you. Your response: "Wha...hiccup...whashha probrrremmm? zzzzzzzz" :confused:
 
Suppose you drive the family car to work everyday, and are in the habit of returning home by 6pm. One day, you have a crappy time at work and decide to go for a few drinks before taking a taxi home. You stumble through the door to your house at 11pm. Your family is upset because they thought you might have had an accident and have spent the last hours calling hospitals to find you. Furthermore, your family have no access to the car until the next evening. Now, your family is mad at you. Your response: "Wha...hiccup...whashha probrrremmm? zzzzzzzz" :confused:
Yeah, that's got "fail" written all over it, doesn't it? Thing is, from my perspective, that's not even poly-specific - that's lousy behaviour in ANY relationship.
 
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How about this? No unilateral decision making when there are consequences for another person.

Suppose you drive the family car to work everyday, and are in the habit of returning home by 6pm. One day, you have a crappy time at work and decide to go for a few drinks before taking a taxi home. You stumble through the door to your house at 11pm. Your family is upset because they thought you might have had an accident and have spent the last hours calling hospitals to find you. Furthermore, your family have no access to the car until the next evening. Now, your family is mad at you. Your response: "Wha...hiccup...whashha probrrremmm? zzzzzzzz" :confused:


Well, that is just crap no matter how you look at it.
Sorry you had a bad experience thunkbunny. I would like to avoid that in my new relationship.
 
Yeah, that's got "fail" written all over it, doesn't it? Thing is, from my perspective, that's not even poly-specific - that's lousy behaviour in ANY relationship.

Sort of my point. I'm not sure if there are many poly-specific tips that wouldn't also apply to any relationship. For example, dating is important whether your relationship is monogamous or not. A lot of couples become so comfortable that they forget to date each other once in a while, and then wonder why they don't feel all that special together anymore. If you want a third but are afraid of losing something special with your existing partner, I'd suggest existing partners remember to date each other too. The point is to focus on experiencing good stuff instead of worrying about losing stuff.
 
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