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Old 01-08-2010, 01:56 AM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by LadyMacbeth View Post
He admitted he did have a date. I was very hurt, not because he had a date, but because he cancelled OUR date and further, didn't tell me. He apologized for both. He said that he was worried it would upset me, and that it was "no big deal" anyway and was confused as to why this would be a problem for me. I explained that in poly, this is "cheating." He could almost understand, but not quite.
Hi Lady,

Some thoughts on this and more..........
If you think about this, it seems to me this is pretty stereotypical dating behavior for the mono world - which is obviously where he comes from (and still is to a large degree). Maybe you should rethink your expectations. You really are more in the role of a teacher at this point than an equal. Make sense ?

Originally Posted by LadyMacbeth
I stated that I needed to know one thing. "Are you seeking an addition to our relationship, or a replacement?" And he can't or won't answer. He became very defensive. .............................
I later said I needed to reconsider my ultimatum, because I wasn't sure if that was fair.................

Anyone have experiences in these relationships? I feel compassion and want to treat him with love and respect, but am not sure I could deal with the emotional turmoil that would come from constant uncertainty about whether or not he had just been on a date with my replacement.
Again, I really think you exacerbated the problem here. Partially because of my prior comment (he's a newbie) and because you immediately chose to go on the attack. You provoked a confrontation on a topic he probably is not at all clear on in his own mind and expected an answer - RIGHT THEN <chuckle> Was we being a bit unfair & unrealistic here - ya think ?

As to ultimatums etc......where's the love in ultimatums ? Don't you think a better approach to this might be to empathize with him, offer to help how you can, and in your heart hope that he makes the decision that will make HIM the happiest ?
Nope - this isn't 'typical' human behavior in these areas but what is it about poly loving that's typical ?

And I doubt he has the foggiest idea if his date was a potential replacement or not. But whether you are "replaced" (big fear word here) depends also to a large degree on your own behavior and living true to what you profess !

Be kind.


Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 01-08-2010 at 02:00 AM.
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