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Old 03-14-2010, 05:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default What can we do ? (pri/secondary)

The whole primary/secondary discussion really dominates the whole poly lifestyle. It's been analyzed, micro analyzed etc and, at least for me, I think there are sufficient resources published in/on numerous sites, books etc so that at this point no one, be it primary or secondary, should need to be walking blindly into this.

But my question now seems to be - what can we all do as a community to keep an awareness of the tricky nature of this - and what responsibilities are there from each side ?

I'll just grab this quote from one of the threads .........

Wording a new relationship as "entering OUR relationship" implies that the new person is of a second-class status. They are not "entering your relationship" they are "starting or having a relationship with you and/or whoever". That's the kind of language construction indicating the subconscious thought-process that leads to "prescriptive" expectations.
We talk much about the poor handling of the existing relationship (couple, triad, quad- whatever) in regards to the "new" entry. And without a doubt, handling this new entry has had more horror stories than success stories. To the point that a vast majority of solo people are reluctant to attempt it even if they can see some obvious advantages for themselves ! Bad news travels fast they say - and now that "news" seems prevalent.

But I feel it's a shared responsibility of all parties. Which means the new "entry" must (should) have some background, have some true empathy for the complexity of the model(s) and have a desire to put their "work" in also.

Because we all ARE "entering an existing (our) relationship" ! Even in a 2 person monogamous "entry". Even if you were stranded on an island alone when I washed up, I'm still entering your existing relationship to survival. And it's natural that it's going to take time and knowledge of me before you are going to be ready to share the locations of the coconut tree with me. There's certain chemical bias of self preservation (security, lifestyle, comfort etc) that exist in you as a human.
If I refuse to acknowledge that - or am ignorant of the fact - what reaction should I expect ?

A certain level of trust and desire must be built. And this takes some time - which can vary. I feel it's unfair for me to just climb out of the water and demand equal access to your coconut stash - as much as I might desire that !

So is it possible for us (as a group) to adopt a belief that we know we have an unlimited supply of coconuts, and we desire to share that. And as the newcomer, we understand that, in fact, we do have something to "prove" -if you will - and that we in turn have that desire and are willing to exert the reasonable effort and patience to become a unit under the tree.

Can we get past the finger pointing and blame casting and acknowledge that for the vast majority of "poly" people, this is new territory, new skills and that a certain degree of compassion, forgiveness and patience may be in order for all involved to build a better model. To speak out the hurt and fouls when they occur, but not allow ourselves to become biased and cynical. And spread that poison to the world around us.

I wonder...........
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