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Old 08-02-2011, 02:00 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default My husband's attempts at poly always seem to adversely affect our own relationship

I am in a long-term and mostly very happy marriage of 23 years. We have two children at home. I have known that I was poly for going on five years now and I have been in two long-term serious relationships, plus had a number of more casual connections. I do not have any partners outside my marriage at present unless you count a long-distance virtual connection whom I plan to meet in person, but have not done so yet. I am actively looking for a local partner and I do date a little bit, although nothing has caught fire in a good while except for my long-distance friend.

My husband has been very supportive of my outside relationships. His own poly experience has gone quite a bit differently. His first attempt at a poly relationship went as badly as anything could. Three years ago, he got involved with a needy and hysterical woman who wanted out of her own marriage and wanted to break us up. His brief (six weeks, only one in-person meeting) relationship with her culminated in her threatening to kill me, and chaos ensued in our relationship because he didn't want to take the threat seriously, and even actively tried to hide it from me. We had couples' counseling for a year after that, plus he had a lot of individual therapy. He did manage to get his head on straight, and to mend my shattered trust in him.

Fast forward a year and a half. My husband had not dated anyone else since his bad first experience. I was not at all comfortable with him being open to meeting strangers online because his judgment in his first relationship had been terrible. It felt exactly like what I've read about post-traumatic stress, the idea of him dating anyone after what had happened the first time. I did want us to progress towards us both being actively poly though. I thought that one way for me feel more comfortable with him having another partner was for us to date another married couple together. I met a married poly man whose wife seemed open to this (they are not easy to find, most married couples just wanted me, not both of us, it took some hunting!), and we started dating them. I liked the other woman, formed a friendship with her, trusted her.

At the point where we started in our quad, my husband had some mild sexual problems that we did not really understand, but thought it was just him getting older. He had occasional impotence, and his libido had not been nearly as high as mine for a number of years. This was one of the reasons that polyamory attracted me to begin with. I had the idea that our quad would energize and inspire him sexually. The other woman was a whole lot younger and I even joked with him that she would be "human Viagra."

Within a month of starting in the sexual relationship with the other couple, my husband was almost completely impotent with me, but functioning fine with the other woman. I insisted that we enter sex therapy together at that point, and we put the relationship with them on hold at least sexually (although the friendship the four of us had eventually fell apart too, for other reasons, and we never resumed things with them).

We both learned in sex therapy that his issues had at least partly been caused by extreme performance anxiety with me, which he did not have with the other woman. Sex therapy was a valuable experience overall for both of us, but my husband did not resume anything that looked like normal sexual function until over a year later, when a medical doctor figured out that he had low testosterone. (He'd been tested for it previously by two other doctors but for some reason 1 and 2 didn't seem to know diddly.) He's on testosterone injections now and he has been very sexually functional for about two months. It's been quite wonderful for me, I don't think sex our sex life together has been this stress-free since we've been in our 20s.

Recently, my husband added a photo to an online profile he maintains (he had not had one up since his disastrous first relationship), and sure enough, within a week, someone interesting and local was hitting on him. (What can I say, he's handsome.) His profile makes it very clear he only wants friendship, and this new person very clearly wants more than that. She sounds interesting and cool and potentially even trustworthy, although I have had no contact with her yet, and he has not met her in person even though she lives practically around the corner.

Husband now says that he's still mostly interested in friendship but if something catches fire with someone else, he wants to feel free to pursue it wherever it goes. I want him to have what he wants, I want things to go well for him. He's overdue to have a good poly experience, I know that. But we have a bad history. I know that if this new person is the catalyst for our sex life to take a nosedive again, I am not going to be able to support him having a romantic relationship with her. I'm also leery of him dating anyone who doesn't already have a solid primary relationship, because of what happened with his first partner. The person he's conversing with is married and that's about all I know.

The bigger part of me wants to just let go of my fears and misgivings and just be the perfect supportive partner he has always been for me. He deserves that. But a small part of me is just screaming "Danger, Will Robinson!"
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