What are the benefits to being in a poly relationship?

But then things blew up and I almost lost them both. The girlfriend (who I just broke up with) started demanding more and more of my time, and seemed to care less about respecting my marriage and more about getting her own needs met.

I was talking about this very subject with a girlfriend (who knows) yesterday and we were talking about the 'woman' mind. She said that women just simply cannot help themselves....they want to believe in prince charming whisking them away, even though you tell them time and again, that it is not going to happen.

Think of all the countless affairs of the world, where the woman really believes that the man will leave his wife and kids for her....and some do, but some wallow in "nowhere land" for years.

Is day to day 'happiness' really that much more special than a future together? I am not sure....and I don't know what the 'other woman' is ever thinking. I think that they may be a bit broken themselves and willing to settle for second best, when many of them deserve better.

P2
 
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It's ok. One thing that I want to make abundantly clear. I do not believe that my experience with poly is definitive or indicative. If anything, I consider it illustrative of the potential pitfalls of self knowledge.

Love it! Self knowledge...sometimes KNOWING nothing is better! I mean really...how much effort does one have to put into something, before they pick up their marbles and go home??

I am not saying that it is TIME for me to do that yet, but I can see it on the horizon.

The books, the conversations, the therapists....seriously....wtf?? AND this is making me better how?:eek:
 
With all due respect P2, that "woman brain" thing? Total generalization. I know many many women who would be insulted by being lumped in with all women on that one.
 
With all due respect P2, that "woman brain" thing? Total generalization. I know many many women who would be insulted by being lumped in with all women on that one.

YES,you are right...that is a BROAD generalization. I apologize. Dog knows that I do NOT have a typical women's brain....um....er....most of the time! ;)
 
Dharma-

I don't have time to reply right at the moment.
But I wnated to quickly say-I really am enjoying talking with you!
I like your attitude and I like your sense of responsibility in conversation!

:)
It's very nice to "meet" you!!!

TY. I wish I could say that it was All Her Fault. But I know it isn't all her fault or even most her fault. It is either nobody's fault or my fault and both of those end up in the same responsibility bin, that being my own. I hope at some point to be "uber" enough to be able to go out and start looking again. Maybe when I can bench press a Kia(I kid, I kid). I think that if I had someone that I could be intimate with that would help a lot.

And I wish my attitude was all that. I have to shoo the "Black Dog"(Winston Churchill's nickname for depression) away quite a bit recently and it is real hard not to get bitter some days.

DharmaBum23, thanks for opening up. I read with much interest.

Thank you. I do my best with what I have. :D
 
I agree that it is a hard question to answer. So many things that have to be untangled that are not easy to disaggregate. I went through personal hell that led to self reflection and - eventually - self growth that got me to honestly look at a lot of things. Gave me the courage to recraft a life that largely ignored social convention - only part of which is about being Poly. The tumult in all of my life is both the cause and result of that honesty and growth.

For me, asking is it worth being poly is akin to asking is it worth knowing yourself? It is true that ignorance is bliss. But, I'd rather live life fully than be ignorant. Because I am much more closely in touch with who I am, what I need, and what I am feeling, I am both happier and more sad. However, I am more self-aware, fulfilled and purposeful (or "full of purpose").

Saddness is a 1000 times more tolerable in this state than it was without that self-understanding.
 
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It is true that ignorance is bliss. But, I'd rather live life fully than be ignorant. Because I am much more closely in touch with who I am, what I need, and what I am feeling, I am both happier and more sad. However, I am more self-aware, fulfilled and purposeful (or "full of purpose").

Saddness is a 1000 times more tolerable in this state than it was without that self-understanding.

It is so strange for me to have put myself in this situation....I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would do this??!

BUT, I have to agree, that the whole experience is where it is at...and if somehow, the experience opens me up to more confidence and self-actualization and understanding...then maybe, just maybe it will have been worth it.

The trouble is....how do we know until we are able to have such hindsight?

For now, I will try to invite the moments and be in the present and to NOT freak out if I don't know/understand what the hell is going on!! :p

P2
 
Hopelessly adorable. :)

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

;)

LR,

Isn't that just it? Polyamory is a ticket, really--to self-discovery, to learning about your partner, to so many things.

Honestly, prior to this past year, most people didn't believe how close and in love DW and I were. And yet, he reflected this weekend, we were on auto-pilot and this polyamory journey has put our relationship back as central where it belongs.

I'm so very happy for you all, LR!
 
So far the journey has been worth it!

The last few months have been some yes & no but for the most part yes.

I'm missing the compersion factor though. Breathes doesn't currently have another & is unhappy about it (won't admit that it's bothering him but I can see it in his eyes & hear it in his laughter).
 
I think how much it's worth it is due to how much one puts into it... I mean positive work... not work that is a detriment to others. Work that makes lives better and that is giving and accepting and nourishing. That means a lot of negotiating and being on top of emotions and what is going on for ourselves... but that is what makes it worth it. knowing how to do that.

If my poly relationships ended and I went back to monogamy, then what would be worth it is how much I have learned about myself, other humans and what capacity I am able to love. That is what makes it worth it. I would use what I know to better the world, be an activist in someway for change towards a healthier planet.. of course I can do that anyway.. so it's all good. ;):p:D
 
I credit the journey into an open marriage (and on my side, polyamory specifically) as what ultimately ended my marriage.

Or more specifically, introducing other people into my life romantically and intimately, and my wife finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage, caused out relationship to ramp up and get more intense in every aspect.

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.

I don't believe poly DESTROYED out relationship though, I think it just made the inevitable conclusion happen faster.

So yes, I think poly for me has been worth it. I'm far more honest with myself and with my partners about what I want and expect in a relationship because of it, because I know avoiding or even simply not knowing eats away at things very quickly when the intense emotions of open dynamics are at play.
 
I've been following this thread for awhile and it's only just occurred to me the difference for me and the other replies.

Poly is worth it for me because Z is worth it for me. I guess that would be the bottom line for most monos in the poly world? LOL! not Z but there own poly partner.
 
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Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.

Well spoken Porcupine,

I think this is maybe the most common set of experiences when people open up a marriage/existing relationship.

The closeness and sharing will always leave fond reminders of what CAN be - AND the fact it CAN be that way outside the whirlwind of the NRE phase.

The honesty required that you speak of is so often suppressed in relationships and it's almost like a weight off your back(s) when something (in this case openness) forces that level of honesty into action. Again, this is the type of thing that leaves a solid lesson in place for the future on how successful relationships need to function.

Well put !

GS
 
I've been following this thread for awhile and it's only just occurred to me the difference for me and the other replies.

Poly is worth it for me because Z is worth it for me. I guess that would be the bottom line for most monos in the poly world? LOL! not Z but there own poly partner.

Good point Sage for the mono pov!;)
 
I credit the journey into an open marriage (and on my side, polyamory specifically) as what ultimately ended my marriage.

Or more specifically, introducing other people into my life romantically and intimately, and my wife finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage, caused out relationship to ramp up and get more intense in every aspect.

Some of the best sharing I've ever done with my wife, and her with me, came shortly after we opened. Some of the most loving, concerned moments.

At the same time, some of the biggest flaws in our relationship also became extremely apparent and it was those flaws that ultimately caused us to separate.

I don't believe poly DESTROYED out relationship though, I think it just made the inevitable conclusion happen faster.

So yes, I think poly for me has been worth it. I'm far more honest with myself and with my partners about what I want and expect in a relationship because of it, because I know avoiding or even simply not knowing eats away at things very quickly when the intense emotions of open dynamics are at play.

Interesting perspective here. Maybe not wholly positive but worth it for the exploration of the level of connectedness in relationship.
 
Drunken, thanks for coming back and telling us what's been happening. I'm sorry for this end but with end there is beginning and it sounds like you are better for it in the end.
 
Isn't that a never ending question? It goes on and on, life goes on and on... it isn't a static thing. It's a lifestyle that some chose or don't.

It's like asking if eating that piece of watermelon is worth it to me. It sustained me to eat it and I enjoyed it. Would I eat it again, yes. Did I need to eat it, yes. do I regret it? that doesn't make sense to the context. Was it worth it? Also doesn't make sense to the context for me.

I read some of the replies, but this is a long thread so I skipped. :) Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else said.

Redpepper, I think, taking the analogy of the watermelon, that you're missing the question, was it worth it to eat the watermelon instead of sticking only to oranges for the rest of your life? :p

Mono, you gave me the impression that you don't feel like Redpepper and Polynerdist have a sense of calm fulfillment from their relationship. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, but if it was, can you elaborate? I got the impression that Redpepper, and you as well, felt pretty fulfilled.

As for me, the answer is yes. Poly has been full of pain and depression for me. But, it brought understanding into my life that had been lacking before. The communication skills I've learned have saved my marriage. The self-knowledge I've gained has taught me what exactly I needed that I couldn't ask for before. I've filled gaping holes in my life, holes that I was looking into but couldn't for the life of me find a way to fix, because I didn't know what I needed. I feel like a more mature adult now and I'm happier with who I am. I think the communication skills have also made me a better parent, and they're definitely skills I want my kids to have.
 
@lemondrop- I said what I said because it would be like asking me if eating is worth it. I can eat whatever I want, but in that I have likes and dislikes, food that I know isn't good for me, food that others eat and I don't (meat). I guess it was never a choice for me, I just had to realize. Short answer, "yes" its worth it, because I wouldn't be me.
 
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Mono, you gave me the impression that you don't feel like Redpepper and Polynerdist have a sense of calm fulfillment from their relationship. I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant, but if it was, can you elaborate? I got the impression that Redpepper, and you as well, felt pretty fulfilled.

.

Remembering that I am not only verymono in nature but I have a very traditional background, I have a hard time seeing calm fulfillment in any poly relationship. I have no doubt that this is because I truly can't understand what it feels like to be poly. I don't mean this to sound negative, it is my honest observation :eek:

The more I think about this the more I realize my perception is skewed by what I would want in a primary relationship. Poly is not it. That is another reason that fostering and promoting the relationship between Redpepper and Polynerdist is in my best interest...I won't allow myself to feel as though I am a primary partner because I see him as her primary. It's a weird mechanism to enable me to be in a mono/poly relationship but it works in a way that makes me feel happy and healthy so I don't question it :)

As a side note....I do not feel lacking in any way. I don't need the idea of a "primary" as in a mono partner. I already had one of those, that need has been filled :) I love the way my relationship works for it's differences as well as it's similarities.
 
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