Bisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual...is it all semantics?

There is a certain amount of separation with poly regardless of NRE. The co-dependant bit isn't as strong, or even in existent in most poly relationships. There is nothing wrong with that. It just takes some getting used to.

What would happen if you totally feel into NRE with another person? Would you run from your partner? Would you some how fall out of love with them? I suggest really allowing your mind to go there rather than avoiding it. Really see what you think you would do. No one knows what would really happen, but one thing is for sure, you won't know until it does and all you can do is prepare in all the ways you know how and see what happens.

I'm not sure what you mean about the codependent bit of relationships - do you mean the closeness and joined at the hip part of a monogamous relationship? We definitely have some of that going, and it would feel weird to me not to have that.

I know I need to think about this a lot more. My partner and I have talked about it quite a bit in the last week or so, but he gets overwhelmed if we talk about too much at once, and it might be a hormonal thing but I've been getting emotional at the thought of not being completely devoted to him. I realize that sounds odd. We're both very careful about our relationship as we've both lived through the crap of our respective parents' divorces and don't want to repeat their mistakes (lying, deliberately hurting each other, cheating, being unwilling to compromise).

This is so weird for me. I'm young (21) but very independent and mature for my age, so I'm not used to encountering something that I can't figure out or don't already know how to do.

Last night I had this weird freak out about this poly metaphor involving running shoes (something about wanting to buy new shoes but not abandoning my favorite pair, I think). :(
 
Many people talk with me about their relationships. (I suspect they assume a happy poly that's not in a straight-jacket must know how relationships work.). Of the monos, almost every one expressing a sex drive disparity has a female with a higher drive. This makes me wonder if societally we've programmed women to think their default is much lower than it really is.

In any case, your drive is what it is. You'll have to manage it regardless if what your relationship(s) look like. Polyamory isn't necessarily a good answer to a high sex drive. Heck, poly takes a lot if work at times, and some of thise times you might just really be wanting a good and thorough fucking.

You might want to start by asking what it is you're really after. Are you interested in one or more additional relationships? Then poly might be your thing. Are you interested in one or more additional sexual partners? Then swinging (or a open relationship) might be your thing. The right answer is what works for you, but in what you wrote, it seemed to me like the emphasis was on attraction and physical desires and less on connection and emotional togetherness. Poly and swinging are basically two areas on the long spectrum of relationships, but each has its own quirks.

Realistically speaking, I see a lot of theory and little practice. The poly approach tends to emphasize communication. Thus, think about how you feel and what you want, and then talk it over with your partner. If things seem like they could work, take small steps until you are comfortable.

Best of luck.
 
I think this is a case where your age is a factor. Quite simply, the more experience you have in relationships, and in managing multiple relationships, the more adept and confident you will become. It's quite okay at your age to not know something and to feel a bit apprehensive yet nervously excited about something you've never tried before. The 20s are meant to be about exploring and finding out who you are, you don't have to have all the answers yet. Just be smart, considerate, and take the steps forward that you feel comfortable with, and every now and then push up against a boundary, take a risk, and see how it feels.

About this:
We're both very careful about our relationship as we've both lived through the crap of our respective parents' divorces and don't want to repeat their mistakes (lying, deliberately hurting each other, cheating, being unwilling to compromise).
While it's very valuable to see the lessons in your parents' relationships, be careful that you don't start constructing your life around "not being them." Whenever we make up our minds to "not be like our parents," it's very easy to fall into the trap of shaping who and what and how we are as the opposite of them, or as a rebellion against what they did, which turns out to be, essentially, the same thing. It's just the flip side of the same coin, and ultimately, what we resist, persists. So, just try to stay open to finding out what works for YOU, what makes YOU happy, and treating others how YOU want to be treated, rather than just making sure you are avoiding what they did. Capisce?
 
I'm thinking that co-dependency does come from the experience the two of you had around your parents. Maybe you are clinging to one another. You can love and be with someone deeply without that but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. It sounds like you experienced some trauma and that takes time to heal from. I suggest backing right up and working on breaking out on your own in other areas of life first. If you can do that with success in terms of staying connected and building strength through independence then I think THEN might be the time to act on your crushes.
 
In any case, your drive is what it is. You'll have to manage it regardless if what your relationship(s) look like. Polyamory isn't necessarily a good answer to a high sex drive. Heck, poly takes a lot if work at times, and some of thise times you might just really be wanting a good and thorough fucking.

THIS. :) Good wording here.


At OP : You have the right to be a 'in-betweenie' too. :) Someone who wants a true friend, mutual respect, maybe a crush, and some really great sex. You can have a connection with someone, without wanting the entire poly lifestyle.
 
NRE definitely gave me "tunnel vision" when I started getting serious with Paramour and it started to hurt my marriage. I've learned to reinvest NRE into my relationship with my wife and she loves it! You could try it while you're still in the fantasy stage and see how it pans out for you.

There was a thread back on here in July, where a new to poly couple, was having a problem with a partner getting tunnel vision over a new relationship, and it may have very well ended their marriage, based on the last messages posted.
 
In any case, your drive is what it is. You'll have to manage it regardless if what your relationship(s) look like. Polyamory isn't necessarily a good answer to a high sex drive. Heck, poly takes a lot if work at times, and some of thise times you might just really be wanting a good and thorough fucking.

You might want to start by asking what it is you're really after. Are you interested in one or more additional relationships? Then poly might be your thing. Are you interested in one or more additional sexual partners? Then swinging (or a open relationship) might be your thing. The right answer is what works for you, but in what you wrote, it seemed to me like the emphasis was on attraction and physical desires and less on connection and emotional togetherness. Poly and swinging are basically two areas on the long spectrum of relationships, but each has its own quirks.

This makes sense. The previous attractions were more than just attractions. I'm a little shy sometimes about details, so perhaps I should have mentioned that these are both friends whom I love dearly. It felt very much like the NRE I experienced with my partner when we first met.

I don't feel like I need to be polyamorous. I'm mostly feeling like I have this high sex drive, I am attracted to other people, and at the same time don't feel like I have the ability focus on more than one person at a time. Sometimes I feel like I just want to put my man in a cryogenic facility for a few years so I can explore and not have to worry about neglecting our relationship.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. I do that a lot. I feel that (in my perfect world), relationships should be about sex, love, friendship, and no drama about whether or not you bought someone something for valentines day or what anyone else thinks.

I know I'm going to have to find some way to explore the part of myself that is attracted to/loves women at some point, and I know that if I ignore that it's probably going to bite me in the ass.
 
I wrestled with sex drive disparity over the course of many relationships. In some ways, I still wrestle with it. Being in poly or mono relationships doesn't change that. It's a matter of regulating what I want or need, what a partner or partners can provide, and how to handle the difference (handle being rather important).

That said, it the way you write, it seems to me like you're in a bit of a mono/poly limbo. I took me years to accept my poly nature though I had a history of poly relationships since my early adulthood. You seem to be stuck between mono programming and poly emotions, and it's not clear if this is you shedding programming or trying on the emotions.

NRE is something that happens regardless of whether a relationship is mono or poly and can happen even with platonic relationships. Just like how life can get in the way of living, it comes down to how you handle what resources you have and how you manage your time.
 
It's helpful to hear that I'm not the only one who's dealt with/is dealing with a different sex drive than their partner(s). The only time I've ever heard people discuss it was in the context of, "my gf never wants sex" or "since we had kids, we never have sex" etc.
 
Hi sadibird, welcome to the board.

From what you have said, I think you should keep your exploration of sexual/intimate feelings to a more limited level until you get your feelings sorted out.

I met my ex husband and commited to him very young, age 19. We got engaged after a couple years, but after the NRE wore off with him, I did find myself getting lots of crushes on other people (men or women) and when that happened, I usually did lose desire for my partner. However, he was extremely jealous, and threatened by my roving eye.

Later in life, I found that my interest in others would also increase my desire for my husband. We had worked thru some of his jealousy issues by then.

I have 3 kids about your age. My oldest who is now 25 had a poly relationship for 5 years, but she found it too complicated to pursue after a while. She broke up with that person and is now mono with a new partner, for now at least. Poly is complicated, and "kids" in their 20s are still doing lots of self-exploration. If you don't know yourself very well, it's hard to be respectful and thoughtful about others. Not impossible, but it takes a lot of work to get to enjoy the considerable benefits.

Maybe you and your fiance can explore polyamorous feelings thru fantasy and role playing for while as you work things out? Be as open and honest as you can, revealing your feelings in a respectful way, and see where it leads down the road.

Lots of women are hornier than their mates. If you need to masturbate a lot when your man is not in the mood, let him know this, and make sure he supports it without guilting you.
 
I think sagency and sourgirl hit it on the head. I'm not necessarily interested in poly for myself just wondering how other people have managed a disparity in libido coupled with being bisexual in a hetero relationship.

My partner and I are very supportive of each other - we've decided on what we want from one another and have committed to a life together. We both want kids, we both want to grow old together (we're best friends), but we don't want to be sexually exclusive.

He's more interested in a swinging/casual sex/FWB type thing, and that sounds awesome to me as well except I need to love someone to have sex with them but I don't want to have more than one romantic relationship. It's not about jealousy, it's not about roving eyes - it's about a very high sex drive, a very high population of hot people in my area, and a very supportive partnership. I like it when he sleeps w/ other people - he's happier and brings home more energy for our sex life.

Lots of women are hornier than their mates. If you need to masturbate a lot when your man is not in the mood, let him know this, and make sure he supports it without guilting you.

No offense or anything, but masturbation just doesn't cut it. If anything it makes it worse. He doesn't guilt me for it. We're pretty sex-positive.

It's so helpful to have a forum to talk about this on. I don't know anyone who would be as supportive.
 
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OK I see I was way off base. I'm sorry, I just read the thread too quickly this morning.

Are we to understand your partner has had a couple casual sexual flings already? And you want to have sex with, and love with, a woman, but do not want to do it casually. Yet, you fear you will desire your partner less, and neglect him, when NRE hits you if you combine sex with these certain other people, friends, that you desire.

This is so weird for me. I'm young (21) but very independent and mature for my age, so I'm not used to encountering something that I can't figure out or don't already know how to do.

Aren't young people always encountering new things they have never done before? Having to "figure stuff out" about life, about themselves?
 
No offense or anything, but masturbation just doesn't cut it. If anything it makes it worse. He doesn't guilt me for it. We're pretty sex-positive.

How so? Do you mind explaining how it makes things worse? I find that masturbation is really hot when my partner spoons me or holds me in some way while I'm doing it, even if he's not feeling sexual or is done for the evening and I'm not. ;)
 
I think I agree that female bisexuality (at least recently ala Katy Perry) is more acceptable. Frankly, it is encouraged by men, so...women want attention, what better way- have fun with a woman while a man is egging you on. But that's the pop culture side of it.
I am bi-sexual. I am married, love my husband and we have great sex. But, first time I saw a Playgirl I was grossed out at the naked male figure, but when I came across my dad's Playboy's thought it was beatiful and was (I know now) turned on. Weird, pushing 40 and haven't figured it out. I like the sight, smell and touch of a woman, but prefer the feel of a man. Innate, I don't know, I really don't have many "girlfriends", never have. Most of my friends were male. I would rather stick a fork in my eye than go to a Mary Kay party. But if I could hang with a group of guys drinking beer and watching sports, I would have a blast.
Oh yeah, and if my husband wanted to experiment with men, that would be cool with me. But he says no way, and I still wonder....nature or nurture?
 
I can identify with that. When I was younger, I couldn't stand seeing naked men. It seemed gross and scary. I didn't even like seeing men topless. I thought that women were very beautiful and sexy but was never really aroused by the idea of being with a woman. Now that I'm a bit older and have tried some of both and then some, I find that I am definitely sexually attracted to men. While I still find women to be very beautiful, I have little desire to actually be with them.
 
Scale? I dunno, but there are terms galore.

Straight
Cis-gendered
Het
Vanilla
Prude
Genderqueer
Genderfucker
Hermaphrodite
Butch
Femme
Ambiguously sexed/gendered
Androgyne
Penis ambivalence
Breast envious
Penis envious
Tgirl
Boi
Transman
Transwoman
Non-op (eration)
Pre-op
Post-op
Man
Woman

Ahem, hermaphrodite is not the correct term, that would be intersexed/intersexual. Hermaphrodite is actually quite offensive :/
 
Women will become attracted to who they're in love with

<span style="font-style:italic;">"Among humans, women show greater oxytocin release during sexual activity than do men, and some women show correlations between oxytocin release and orgasm intensity (Carmichael et al., 1994). Such findings raise the provocative possi- bility that women’s greater emphasis on the relational context of sexuality—that is, their greater experience of links between love and desire—may be influenced by oxytocin’s joint, gender-specific role in these processes (in addition to culture and socialization).

Furthermore, the fact that women sometimes develop same-sex desires as a result of falling in love with female friends (a phenomenon rarely documented among men) might be interpreted to indicate that oxytocin-mediated links between love and desire make it possible for a woman’s affectionally triggered desires to ‘‘override’’ her general sexual orientation."</span>

<span style="font-style:italic;">-Lisa M. Diamond
University of Utah
CURRENT DIRECTIONS IN PSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENCE
Emerging Perspectives on
Distinctions Between Romantic
Love and Sexual Desire</span>


According to Lisa M.Diamond (above) Romantic love in the abstract sense of the term, is traditionally referred to as involving a mix of emotional and sexual desire for another as a person. She proposes that sexual desire and romantic love are functionally independent and that romantic love is not intrinsically oriented to same-gender or other-gender partners. She also proposes that the links between love and desire are bidirectional as opposed to unilateral. Furthermore, Diamond does not state that one's sex has priority over another sex (a male or female) in romantic love because her theory suggests it is as possible for someone who is homosexual to fall in love with someone of the other gender as for someone who is heterosexual to fall in love with someone of the same gender.
 
I haven't read the entire thread, but being a bi female, I have thoughts. :D

My experience is that it's always been a part of me, it just took some unfolding. My senior year in high school, I read about some gay rights stuff, and in my head, was doing cartwheels, saying, 'women are an option?!!!?!! I can date girls TOO?!!!' I had serious crushes on three women in high school, two classmates and a teacher. Later, surrounded by gay community, I heard all these people telling stories about girl scout camp and thought, 'where were MY lesbians? I didn't know any, or hear anything remotely like that.' Then one day I was going through some old photos, and found one that I had taken at camp. Big ol' butch girl. :D Made my heart go pitty-pat. And I realized I had been there, just didn't know it.

Now, in all fairness, I was sexually abused, by my mother (first, but by no means the last). In spite of all that ick, I'm willing to acknowledge that could have something to with it. I occasionally wondered if I spent 10 years pretty exclusively with women to get my own attention so I could remember. But I really (really) enjoy sex with women, so I don't think it was only a way to get my own attention.

I was also raised on Playboy. It was the reading material of choice. I started with cartoons, and worked my way up to articles. (this would be ages 6-12). I'm certain that in a different sort of society, my dad might have been bisexual. My mother used to say she might be a lesbian, but the only women she could fall in love with were as hopelessly hetero as she was.

So I can see a heavy element of nurture in it for me. But I could easily believe I have an abundance of oxytocin. I fall in love with lots of people. I have fallen in love with people I would never have thought I could.
 
I haven't read the entire thread, but being a bi female, I have thoughts. :D

My experience is that it's always been a part of me, it just took some unfolding. My senior year in high school, I read about some gay rights stuff, and in my head, was doing cartwheels, saying, 'women are an option?!!!?!! I can date girls TOO?!!!' I had serious crushes on three women in high school, two classmates and a teacher. Later, surrounded by gay community, I heard all these people telling stories about girl scout camp and thought, 'where were MY lesbians? I didn't know any, or hear anything remotely like that.' Then one day I was going through some old photos, and found one that I had taken at camp. Big ol' butch girl. :D Made my heart go pitty-pat. And I realized I had been there, just didn't know it.

Heh, nice story, NR.

...I have an abundance of oxytocin. I fall in love with lots of people. I have fallen in love with people I would never have thought I could.

I can relate. I've always been so boy crazy, and a little bit girl crazy.

I do things now, almost intentionally, to increase my abundant oxytocin. I make sure my living space is clean and freshly scented, and I light candles and incense, sometimes buy flowers. I'm a sucker for long walks on the beach, sharing food with a lover, lots of eye contact during cuddling and sex.

My first date that promised to be sexual with The Ginger, I'd bought and arranged flowers. Surprise! He brought me some more. We had sexual tension after we kissed hello when I had to stop to arrange them in water. I wouldve let them lie on the counter for a while, but he insisted. I arranged them one by one, while I knew he couldnt wait to lay hands on me. Ah, good times.
 
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