Isn't this poly behavior?

I don't doubt that she loves you.

I do...

I don't doubt that you love her. But you two each want something fundamentally different. She wants to be your one and only. Nothing wrong with wanting to have that type of relationship. However, that is not the type of relationship that you want. So the basis of the relationship between you is that you are both doing all of this manipulative shit in order to get the other to fit into the mold you have each designed for the other.

Except I'm not. I thought we could be together until she leaves the city, which is what she claimed she wanted too in lieu of a permanent relationship. I get that things have changed for her, the biological clock is ticking louder... but then she needs to let go.

I've tried breaking up with her, and it just doesn't take. I just get guilt trips about leaving her alone when she's feeling bad, or she didn't get to spend enough time with her dog (dog lives with me because her hip displaysia and arthritis make the stairs to the g/f's apartment too difficult.) Eventually she works her way back in, I try to act like her friend, she cuddles up to me and keeps my hopes up... and the cycle repeats.

I shudder to think of a baby being brought into this unstable situation.

I guess I had hoped the fighting would stop if she were happy. Probably a vain hope, but I was basically broken down by all of this. I feel like if we'd just had a clean break I'd have healed and moved on, instead she insists on spending all our time together and keeping me wanting.

Granted, I should just be strong enough to "lay down the law" and tell her I need space and stick to it. I guess it's called co-dependence for a reason right?
 
I do...


I've tried breaking up with her, and it just doesn't take. I just get guilt trips about leaving her alone when she's feeling bad, or she didn't get to spend enough time with her dog (dog lives with me because her hip displaysia and arthritis make the stairs to the g/f's apartment too difficult.) Eventually she works her way back in, I try to act like her friend, she cuddles up to me and keeps my hopes up... and the cycle

While probably not consciously, she is taking advantage and manipulating the situation. But you already know that. Maybe she is hoping you will change or as others have suggested, she is hanging on until she finds a replacement.

The hope you are experiencing is false hope.

Unfortunately there are no magic answers. It is going to suck until one of you does what you know you need to do. Yeah, it's going to hurt, and you will have second thoughts, but this situation continues as it is until you do.
 
I do...



Except I'm not. I thought we could be together until she leaves the city, which is what she claimed she wanted too in lieu of a permanent relationship. I get that things have changed for her, the biological clock is ticking louder... but then she needs to let go.

I've tried breaking up with her, and it just doesn't take. I just get guilt trips about leaving her alone when she's feeling bad, or she didn't get to spend enough time with her dog (dog lives with me because her hip displaysia and arthritis make the stairs to the g/f's apartment too difficult.) Eventually she works her way back in, I try to act like her friend, she cuddles up to me and keeps my hopes up... and the cycle repeats.



I guess I had hoped the fighting would stop if she were happy. Probably a vain hope, but I was basically broken down by all of this. I feel like if we'd just had a clean break I'd have healed and moved on, instead she insists on spending all our time together and keeping me wanting.

Granted, I should just be strong enough to "lay down the law" and tell her I need space and stick to it. I guess it's called co-dependence for a reason right?


Now I'm really confused. Are you saying you want an open relationship because she won't let you out of this one? Tell her you're breaking up with her, start dating other people. If she starts fighting with you ignore her, or just keep texting that you two broke up and you're seeing other people now. If she still won't leave you alone... well heck I guess you're in that open relationship you were looking for if that fits your definition.
 
Now I'm really confused. Are you saying you want an open relationship because she won't let you out of this one? Tell her you're breaking up with her, start dating other people. If she starts fighting with you ignore her, or just keep texting that you two broke up and you're seeing other people now. If she still won't leave you alone... well heck I guess you're in that open relationship you were looking for if that fits your definition.

OK yeah, I am too. I thought you lived together and couldn't avoid each other because of routine and roof and what-not. But you're staying together because of... what was it? a dog with hip dysplasia? I mean... I don't think it's the dog's fault or anything but... you are a grown man, no? You are in control of your own destiny, are you not, Luke Skywalker? You have your own place, you can have people over...?

Refresh my memory - why are we having this discussion again?
 
Now I'm really confused. Are you saying you want an open relationship because she won't let you out of this one?

No. I want an open relationship for other reasons, and that became known two years ago.

Tell her you're breaking up with her, start dating other people. If she starts fighting with you ignore her, or just keep texting that you two broke up and you're seeing other people now. If she still won't leave you alone... well heck I guess you're in that open relationship you were looking for if that fits your definition.

That's just it. Every time I try to break up, I get hit with a bunch of guilt trips ranging from "you promised we'd be friends" to "you're the only support I have." The fighting, guilt trips and other stuff eventually wear me down. When I try to move on... if there's any hint I might be dating, talking to women or even as little as going to a strip club with some friends she gets really pissed and starts a fight with me.

Again, you'll say I should just not get drawn into the fight... but that's very difficult for me.
 
No. I want an open relationship for other reasons, and that became known two years ago.



That's just it. Every time I try to break up, I get hit with a bunch of guilt trips ranging from "you promised we'd be friends" to "you're the only support I have." The fighting, guilt trips and other stuff eventually wear me down. When I try to move on... if there's any hint I might be dating, talking to women or even as little as going to a strip club with some friends she gets really pissed and starts a fight with me.

Again, you'll say I should just not get drawn into the fight... but that's very difficult for me.

Well there's your problem right there. That's what you need to deal with. Sometimes breakups get ugly. Basically what you just said is that she's trying to hold you hostage and you allow it.

What do you want from the people on this forum? Do you want us to drive to her home and tell her to let you go? If we did that, do you think it would work? Because I'm not wasting all that gas driving out there if it's going to just be all for naught.
 
Answer the question, Claire!

ONe thing though - There is now enough information here for me to judge in no uncertain terms that this is NOT, in fact, "poly behaviour".

The End.
 
Well there's your problem right there. That's what you need to deal with. Sometimes breakups get ugly. Basically what you just said is that she's trying to hold you hostage and you allow it.

What do you want from the people on this forum? Do you want us to drive to her home and tell her to let you go? If we did that, do you think it would work? Because I'm not wasting all that gas driving out there if it's going to just be all for naught.

Well, I told you want I wanted in the beginning... and interpretation of her behavior. Now I'm just replying to questions/statements.

If it helps, your job is done here. :)
 
Well, I told you want I wanted in the beginning... and interpretation of her behavior. Now I'm just replying to questions/statements.

If it helps, your job is done here. :)

Yeah, I was writing my report as you were typing that. See previous post.
 
No. I want an open relationship for other reasons, and that became known two years ago.



That's just it. Every time I try to break up, I get hit with a bunch of guilt trips ranging from "you promised we'd be friends" to "you're the only support I have." The fighting, guilt trips and other stuff eventually wear me down. When I try to move on... if there's any hint I might be dating, talking to women or even as little as going to a strip club with some friends she gets really pissed and starts a fight with me.

Again, you'll say I should just not get drawn into the fight... but that's very difficult for me.


Ask yourself this: would you do to her what she is doing to you? If the answer is no, then accept the fact that at the least she is fucked up and spreading pain THAT YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR, or that she is not a nice person.

I understand being the bigger person; I understand being the adaptable person. But believe me when I say that there are some who will use these strengths to suck the very life out of you. Disentangle. Run!

It will hurt like a MF, but when you look back in a few months, you won't believe the self respect you have lost by listening to her insecure bullshit and trying to be her knight in shining armor.

(I say this not as criticism - but because I have been there.)
 
I have to agree with everything here. I am sad for any baby that she conceives while in this state of mind. I was going to be nice and say she is just confused and you need to have an open talk about your future together, but when you said trying to get pregnant alarms went off. I feel bad for both the baby and any man she manages to trap this way.
 
Onoma, going around fucking random people is not polyamory. It's not monogamy, but it's not polyamory. Sigh. Please read some more about what poly is, if you really want to know. There are threads here where you can find a glossary and book recommendations. Use this site's search function.

Oh, and by the way, your relationship with this chick sounds like it's been over for a while. Move on.

Amazing to me how so many people stick around in really fucked-up, dead-end relationships and then come here and ask, "Am I right or wrong?" Huh? You've been walking around blindfolded for years while in a shitty relationship that gives you no satisfaction and just now it occurs to you there is a problem? I really fear for the future sometimes when I read this shit.
 
I really fear for the future sometimes when I read this shit.

Me too, especially when there's baby-making involved in said fucked-up relationships. Oh yes children mean sooo much more love. Oh no you can't tell other people how to manage their gonads.

(I like MY life, but I still can't wait to get off this planet)
 
Your partner might be polyamorous. How much sex one has, who they have it with under what conditions bears no influence on someone being poly or not. Polyamory is about loving or having the potential to love more than one person in a romantic sense. Your partner may have the potential to love more than one person, she may, but I don't think any of the people she loves at the moment are you. Whatever her orientation, she is treating you badly. That's what counts. That's why you should end it.
 
Great, way to go, onoma, you broke BoringGuy.

Oh Marcus, I LOL'd so loud, I think I frightened the neighbors.


onoma,

My father spent a fair amount of time trying to teach me this, and I share it with you because I think he was right.

People vote with their feet.
If you want to know what someone is about, and their words and their actions do not match, look at their actions. Then it is up to you to decide your actions. You also vote with your feet.
 
Onoma, going around fucking random people is not polyamory. It's not monogamy, but it's not polyamory.

As I said "Apparently she had dates lined up, and was starting to look for a new relationship."

Nitpicking a bit, aren't you? :) Or cherry picking, since you only seemed to pick up the "one night stand" part?

Sigh. Please read some more about what poly is, if you really want to know. There are threads here where you can find a glossary and book recommendations. Use this site's search function.

I have, and I understand the distinction... I was just dealing with something confusing.
 
As I said "Apparently she had dates lined up, and was starting to look for a new relationship."

A new 'monogamous' relationship.... I am not sure why you consider this nitpicking when everyone so far agrees on this thread that she is looking to replace you and her behaviour is not Polyamorous. Just because she might be acting in what could be called a non monogamous sexual behaviour, since it is for a particular purpose I would not use that as evidence for future polyamorous inclination.

She just likes having someone there who loves her but when she finds someone else...boom she is gone. I know women who do what your girlfriend is doing so....ignore the warnings at your peril....


Dead men tell no tales,

Natja
 
Well, I told you want I wanted in the beginning... and interpretation of her behavior. Now I'm just replying to questions/statements.

If it helps, your job is done here. :)

To my knowledge, no one here is a clinical psychologist. Even if we were, we haven't met her and couldn't make a reliable assessment based on third-party communication.

If she wants to get her life in order, holding on to a dead relationship is counter-productive. If you genuinely want to help her get her life in order, enabling that arrangement is counter-productive.

If she wants to meet someone new, she's better off single. Most people who are looking for a serious, long-term relationship turn the other way when they meet someone who's in a relationship. They would look at dating her as cheating, and would be rationally concerned that she may later abandon them in favour of the next guy.

My advice?

Tell her in no uncertain terms that your romantic relationship is over and you are no longer "boyfriend and girlfriend" but that you are willing to have a friendship and support her through her hard times, but with no romantic behaviour. You are not abandoning her in a time of need, but you have needs of your own and it is your responsibility to have those needs met. Tell her that, being now single, you will be dating other people and if she wants to remain in your life in a friendship, she needs to get to work out how to become okay with you having a romantic life of your own. Respect her desire not to hear about your new dating life.

I've never understood when people say they can't get a break-up to stick. Unlike starting a relationship, breaking-up doesn't require mutual agreement. Any party is free to end the arrangement at any time and for any reason. It's not a contract. The fact that you're still in this arrangement speaks more to your own issues than hers. Get some backbone!
 
I've never understood when people say they can't get a break-up to stick. Unlike starting a relationship, breaking-up doesn't require mutual agreement. Any party is free to end the arrangement at any time and for any reason. It's not a contract. The fact that you're still in this arrangement speaks more to your own issues than hers. Get some backbone!


It's a bit harder when you live together, and harder still when she doesn't have anywhere to go yet. Being around someone constantly and trying not to let a single affectionate gesture get through is a little tough...

Also, I actually did tell her I'd be just friends... a week and a half later she got upset when I went out with one of my old college buddies, because she was afraid I might be hitting on women. It actually does take two people to let go of a relationship...
 
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