Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion

I'm new to this site so I don't know your back ground but your post has made me wonder whether it's just going to be all too hard and maybe I should just cut my losses and find myself a nice mono man.

The part I highlighted stands out to me as a cause for concern. The way it's phrased makes it sound like you need to be in a relationship to be happy. You'll be much better off if you look to yourself and only yourself to provide your happiness. If this relationship prevents you from making yourself happy, then you can decide to make yourself happy by leaving it. And if you find yourself a nice mono man, bonus!

If my partner is anything to go by you guys do stuff up at times by either taking the situation for granted or in subtle ways trying to push out agreed to parameters. Is this really any different to jealousy?

Yes, it's really different to jealousy. Taking your partner for granted and trying to manipulate her to get out of agreements... that's just being a jerk - a condition of which monogamous people are just as capable as poly folk.
 
happiness comes from within

Hi
Thanks for your response it reminded me of what so many people told me while I was married ....happiness comes from within. That statement kept me stuck for a lot longer than necessary but your response prompted me to think about it and put up a post on my blog Happiness comes from Within...Yeah Right! xwifez.com
I think the truth is that the ability to create your own happiness comes from within . :)

The part I highlighted stands out to me as a cause for concern. The way it's phrased makes it sound like you need to be in a relationship to be happy. You'll be much better off if you look to yourself and only yourself to provide your happiness. If this relationship prevents you from making yourself happy, then you can decide to make yourself happy by leaving it. And if you find yourself a nice mono man, bonus!



Yes, it's really different to jealousy. Taking your partner for granted and trying to manipulate her to get out of agreements... that's just being a jerk - a condition of which monogamous people are just as capable as poly folk.
 
Happiness comes from Within...Yeah Right! xwifez.com
I think the truth is that the ability to create your own happiness comes from within . :)

Hm, a good point. It's a subtle difference, but I think I understand what you're saying.

sage's Blog said:
The subtle, but crucial difference is that ‘happiness comes from within’ always made me feel deficient. To most people looking in I had a wonderful life, but because I was often unhappy it was as if there was something fundamentally wrong with me. If I could only fix myself I would be happy. Had I interpreted that statement as being about taking responsibility for my own happiness, I’m sure I would have felt more empowered to change the things I was unhappy about.

"Happiness comes from within" makes it sound like we're all "secretly happy on the inside" just waiting for that happiness to magically be released. That's not at all what I believe.

"the ability to create your own happiness comes from within" makes a lot more sense. It's saying that whether or not we're happy right now, we all have within ourselves the power to make changes which will make us happy. Some of those changes may need to be external, and undoubtably some will need to be internal. We can't always change our surroundings. Sometimes all we can truly change is how we feel about them.

I often use the term "find happiness", which implies to me that it's something either lost or missing... not that it's sitting around "within" just waiting to be discovered.
 
You've said it even better than I could have

"we all have within ourselves the power to make changes which will make us happy. Some of those changes may need to be external, and undoubtably some will need to be internal. We can't always change our surroundings. Sometimes all we can truly change is how we feel about them."

If someone had said that to me twenty years ago I think my life would have been very different. Or maybe we all have to reach a level of awareness and maturity for wisdom to reach us?

Hm, a good point. It's a subtle difference, but I think I understand what you're saying.



"Happiness comes from within" makes it sound like we're all "secretly happy on the inside" just waiting for that happiness to magically be released. That's not at all what I believe.

"the ability to create your own happiness comes from within" makes a lot more sense. It's saying that whether or not we're happy right now, we all have within ourselves the power to make changes which will make us happy. Some of those changes may need to be external, and undoubtably some will need to be internal. We can't always change our surroundings. Sometimes all we can truly change is how we feel about them.

I often use the term "find happiness", which implies to me that it's something either lost or missing... not that it's sitting around "within" just waiting to be discovered.
 
I have to agree that its easier to feel compersion when our own needs are being met, or at the very least recognized.

For me its about security. I am secure in my husbands and my playful banter, wrestling, joking, etc etc - so when he does that with our wife I feel overwhelming compersion. I am not so secure when it comes to our sex life - so when I can hear them having sex or whatever - I dont feel jealous...I feel..something else. I have felt jealousy before - and its definitely not that, but its something all right. Not all bad, there is some compersion there its just being masked by the something else.
 
If someone had said that to me twenty years ago I think my life would have been very different. Or maybe we all have to reach a level of awareness and maturity for wisdom to reach us?

indubitably!

I first heard this kind of thinking in my 1st year philosophy class, and I thought it was phoney baloney. I tried to argue some kind of infinite regression of wants making us ultimately not in control of ourselves. Something along the lines of, even if I can choose to be happy, I can't choose to want to be happy, or to want to want to be happy, etc.

A couple years later, I met a boy a couple years younger than me but who had already done a lot of the "hard thinking" that I had yet to do, and he claimed that you can control your feelings, and he knew because he had done so.

It took me quite a few years to catch up, and honestly it's only been within the past few years that I really started believing it. Deepak Chopra had a way of putting it that helped make sense, but the ultimate "proof" came when I started doing it and it started working, and I realized... "hmm, if it works, then that should be evidence enough?"
 
not quite there yet

indubitably!

I first heard this kind of thinking in my 1st year philosophy class, and I thought it was phoney baloney. I tried to argue some kind of infinite regression of wants making us ultimately not in control of ourselves. Something along the lines of, even if I can choose to be happy, I can't choose to want to be happy, or to want to want to be happy, etc.

A couple years later, I met a boy a couple years younger than me but who had already done a lot of the "hard thinking" that I had yet to do, and he claimed that you can control your feelings, and he knew because he had done so.

It took me quite a few years to catch up, and honestly it's only been within the past few years that I really started believing it. Deepak Chopra had a way of putting it that helped make sense, but the ultimate "proof" came when I started doing it and it started working, and I realized... "hmm, if it works, then that should be evidence enough?"

Good for you but unfortunately I'm not quite there yet. If I were I would undoubtedly find the whole compersion thing a whole lot easier. I'm at the point of "wanting to to be happy" and succeeding most of the time. There are still times when the old emotions get the better of me and I have to dig out why. It's usually a misunderstanding that we need to clarify or that my partner has pushed the boundaries out without realizing it.

He finally feels accepted for the first time in his life and is enjoying the freedom of being able to explore a secondary relationship. I'm having to accept that the boundaries have to be pretty flexible to accommodate this exploration and I find that difficult at times. It seems like the more I accept the more he wants. But we keep the lines of communication open and our relationship is in a very good space. If this changed I don't know if I could keep "wanting to be happy"

Sage
 
I have been having trouble with insecurity. Sometimes I think that I still feel compersion, even though I feel insecure. Maybe the two can over lap. I'm not sure.

9 out of 10 times that the woman that I'm dating has sex with her other boyfriend, I feel compersion. I learned compersion through developing voyeuristic fantasies. It is harder for me to feel compersion when the other guy is more fun and has excellent conversation skills.
 
yep i know how you feel. My partner's OSO is 10 years older than me (14 years older than him) and so different from him that I feel no real threat. I think it would be very different if she was younger, hotter and funner :). But I'm only in polyamory kindergarten, if and when someone more challenging comes into his life, hopefully I'll be ready for her.

Interesting way of dealing with jealousy though. Very creative.
 
Id like some insta-compersion please!

I dont think compersion is something I feel with frequency what soever. Maybe I feel it in hindsight or for fleeting moments when my bf is with another woman who makes him happy.

My boyfriend says he feels compersion for me and my girlfriend . He would also like me to have mutual compersion type feelings for the relationship he wants to build between himself and my gf. I simply cannot have feelings that do not exist (or rather, they exist in fleeting moments...and I think more "I am so lucky to have two people who I care about in the same bed with me" not exactly (much to my dismay) "I want my lovers to be sexual with one another".

I think those feelings may evolve over time. Yes I have known P for over a year but my gf, N I have only been with for a month. As much as id like some insta-compersion, I think I might have to wait, to become more secure in my relationships, more trusting and less fearful. Is this an appropriate way of looking at things?

or is it possible that if I dont feel compersion for my bf now, that I never will? Part of the reason I find it hard to access this compersion factor is probably because I feel afraid and threatened that my lovers will evolve in a way that will not include me. I dont rationally think this is the case but its a little annoying bug inside me that will not let up.
 
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you really can't learn compersion in my experience. It will happen when it happens. If you understand it, recognize it and then see it whell up in you, you could always try and hold onto that feeling.

Everyone gets it differently. Its very natural for my wife, where I find it a little more difficult. Don't beat yourself up for not having it all the time, just try to figure out the reasons why :) Sometimes it takes time.

Its also hard to feel compersion for a situation if you aren't secure in that relationship or the situation. It healthy to identify that and the reasons why.
 
do you trust your bf to include you and be honest about his feelings for his other female lover?
 
Yes, it's normal not to feel compersion right off the bat.

Having trust and a strong relationship foundation will be a huge step towards getting there. I've found, too, that if I like my partner's partner I'm more likely to feel compersion than if I don't.

So just take your time, develop the trust you need and go from there.
 
Personally, I've found that 6 months is my magic number for full compersion to kick in. Funny, that's how long NRE lasts on average ...

Is this situation complicated by the fact that your bf is trying to develop a relationship with your gf? That's a double whammy of insecurity right there.
 
..

Is this situation complicated by the fact that your bf is trying to develop a relationship with your gf? That's a double whammy of insecurity right there.

Exactly. Thats the peice that has been a little hard for me to swallow.

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I feel your experiences and reassurance well...reassuring. I guess I can just let things play out and be aware of how im feeling about things.
 
I dont think compersion is something I feel with frequency what soever. Maybe I feel it in hindsight or for fleeting moments when my bf is with another woman who makes him happy.

My boyfriend says he feels compersion for me and my girlfriend . He would also like me to have mutual compersion type feelings for the relationship he wants to build between himself and my gf. I simply cannot have feelings that do not exist (or rather, they exist in fleeting moments...and I think more "I am so lucky to have two people who I care about in the same bed with me" not exactly (much to my dismay) "I want my lovers to be sexual with one another".

I think those feelings may evolve over time. Yes I have known P for over a year but my gf, N I have only been with for a month. As much as id like some insta-compersion, I think I might have to wait, to become more secure in my relationships, more trusting and less fearful. Is this an appropriate way of looking at things?

or is it possible that if I dont feel compersion for my bf now, that I never will? Part of the reason I find it hard to access this compersion factor is probably because I feel afraid and threatened that my lovers will evolve in a way that will not include me. I dont rationally think this is the case but its a little annoying bug inside me that will not let up.

Well we can not predict how we will feel...I find joy in bringing wifey joy even if that does not include me I smile and feel warm when I see wifey and nikki interact...Wifey for sure does not share that same feeling...Nikki is understanding the idea of compresion and it seems like she has accepted it....Compresion comes after Jealousy, insecurity, envy, spite...and so on..
 
Compersion

Hey Glow - good to hear from you again.

If this helps..........

Remember, compersion is a SELFLESS emotion. It's when our joy & happiness of someone else's good fortune flow out of us to add to their life.
It's a gift we give.
And giving has it's own rewards.
But first you have to get there. And that means focusing your energy - and love - outward - not inward.
It's not about 'us'. We're simply the soft, warm breeze on the bare flesh.

:)

GS
 
Sypathetic Joy, Non-attachment, Challenges etc.

hello friends :)

I was hoping to hear about your experiences with sympathetic joy, self identity, and your struggles as you embark on different adventures.

What do you think of sympathetic joy (the idea of feeling happy because someone you love is happy, even if they are happy because of someone else)?

To me it seems really logical, but very difficult.

Is it hard to experience sympathetic joy sometimes? What do you do when you are feeling jealously, or envy creeping up on you?

It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?

Has it been worth it? What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?

Thanks! Can't wait to hear from you guys

:) :) curlyqhooper
 
It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?

Has it been worth it? What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?
"Compersion" or as you are referring to it, "sympathetic joy" is difficult to achieve, but for me it doesn't have to do with attachment in the sense of co-dependence. I am very attached to my partners and am very grateful that they are in my lives and attached to me. Attached does not mean unable to move, live, make a decision, have my own path, have my own thoughts, feelings, adventures, dreams of the future.... and, have my own connection to myself as primary. I am first for sure, but I can't go about life alone. I need a mirror to reflect back in other people I trust and confide in. That is healthy attachment to me.

So often I think people think that they have to abandon all attachment in order to be successful in poly, in compersion, in a successful relationship life at all. Commitment and attachment are very important... I believe in "attachment theory" in raising my child (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory, http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/attachment01.htm) and believe in it for my own life. We are social creatures and need each other in order to be healthy. I chose who I want to be with to be healthy and work hard at keeping those relationships strong.

I think that when someone is jealous it is from a place of fear of losing someone's attention because they are overly dependant on the person that is seemingly moving away from them. It's not a marker of being overly attached so much as an indication of imbalance. Of not creating and finding within what is missing and depending unhealthily on another to "give" a sense of purpose and belonging.

There are a lot of people with a huge sense that they will be "hurt" by others and therefore should stay detached and distant from them. I find more and more that on-line life creates this for people. It is a false sense of safety that occurs on-line. Real relationships becomes overwhelmingly unsafe in appearance because the person is not capable or convinced that people are unsafe (I'm talking extremes here, but I have seen and heard of extremes).

The thing is, if I am safe to be close to and attached to, then shouldn't other people be just as safe? If I feel that I am a good person to trust, then aren't others? These are the questions that I ask myself... sometimes people turn out to be not trustworthy with my heart, sure, yet I push forward and find others to trust... and have!

The world is huge, there are others out there... finding them and trusting is all I have I reckon. Vulnerability is a huge part of that. I make myself vulnerable enough to attach and commit to others. They do to me.

I am not possessive, but I find that I have never really said good bye to anyone I have loved. They are always in my heart and send that love to them always... we are all connected, as I said before. That might sound flakey, but I really believe that more than ever we need each other.

We need to commit to each others well being and we need to be attached enough to be able to experience empathy/compassion... otherwise, I think we are all fucked; wars will go on, children will be abused, animals mistreated, elderly blown off, blah, blah,blah... everyone, at some point will be in pain simply because no one has stood up for them and loved them because they were too busy looking after number one and not paying attention. To love others is to love oneself. This means evolving our empathy by involving ourselves in others I think.
 
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