Being the Third Wheel.

blackbird

New member
Hey folks,

I'm relatively new to polyamory, and in the past few months, since I've been involved in open relationships, I've never felt so myself before.

But I need some advice about being the third wheel, something that's made me pretty lonely lately.

Situation

I've been in an open relationship with a good friend of mine, Dave, for the past few months. Our dynamic is made up mostly of sex and pillow talk.

Dave and Mary, a female friend of mine, with whom I'm not sexually engaged, have been intense lovers for some time, bonded in a way he and I never have been. When all three of us, who are politically active together, hang around each other, I can't help but feel left out, a little awkward. They gently stroke each other's hands and are constantly engaged in conversation that I can never really include myself in.

Dave doesn't seem to want to show me much affection when Mary is there.

I tend to feel as if I have no right to be there, when they're together. Mary tries to include me by being affectionate, and by constantly asking in general terms how I'm doing, or kissing me gently on the cheek.

I love them both and don't really feel any animosity. But I do feel very alone. I'm not really engaged in any other relationships for now. I'd love to be able to hang around with them in a group, but it's so much harder.

As the third wheel, what should I do?
 
I deduce that you are female. Are you and/or Mary straight or bi? This matters insofar as it brings insight to the dynamic between the two of you, and allows us to know if this relationship is fashioning itself as a V or a triad. The dynamic is different for each, and varies within each, as well.

The simplest answer is also a question-- have you talked to each/both of them about it, where you want to be and where they see you in the relationship?
 
I tend to feel as if I have no right to be there, when they're together, though M tries to include me by being affectionate, by constantly asking in general terms how I'm doing, or kissing me gently on the cheek.

I love them both...

Since my above linked post, I have come a long way in getting past that third-wheel syndrome. It's not completely gone, and varies in intensity, depending on where we are, but it is certainly reduced!

Here's the big thing. Although I may feel alone or isolated in group settings, this is a self-generated feeling, for the most part. That sense of being a "hang around" to their relationship and that they would have more fun or be more relaxed if I wasn't there is often nothing more than my own insecurities, and feeling that I am less important and not essential to their lives. This is a projection of how I feel onto them. I also project that the other people around us would prefer if I weren’t there. In poly settings it comes from my fear of not being accepted, because I am monogamous, and the boundaries I have within the relationship. This is not totally untrue, in some cases. But for the most part, again it's a fabrication of my own mind. Apparently people do indeed like to be around me, for no other reason than they enjoy my company as a separate individual.

You’ve said that Mary engages you with affection in these situations. Embrace that, return that and let yourself feel good in that. Mary is doing that because they want to! Redpepper does this to me, and her husband does, too, just in a different way.

At first, during our monthly poly meetings, I felt so separate because of my nature that I was lost if Redpepper and her husband weren’t talking with me. I felt completely isolated. I’ve come to develop my independence in these settings and found people I am comfortable with and eagerly engage with on my own. Now I seek their company during those meetings because I have an interest in their well-being, and we have fun talking.

Learn to identify as yourself with them, not as a portion of them through them.

Find your individuality in group settings, accept the affection given you by Mary, and don’t project!

Hope this helps.

Mono, the isolated, separate, community of one, unincluded. I could go on, but it’s all self-generated bullshit. See what I mean?
 
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Speaking from the point of view of the one who isn't the third wheel, I find that it is of utmost importance to hear from Mono when he is feeling left out. Well, actually, to hear from him continuously about everything. I see it as my responsibility to show him how much he is cared for and how important he is to the inner functionings of our relationship as a whole. We are forever changed because he is in our lives, and for the better! There were adjustments to be made, though, and you may be experiencing that uneasy adjusting energy.

I see it as his responsibility to let us know when he is feeling uncomfortable or left out. I can't read his mind. Well, I come pretty close... So he needs to keep us informed every step of the way, before his feelings get away with him and he wanders too far from reality in the situation. It's much better to check in when something seems silly, than to leave it and let it grow into a real issue.

With time, the silly issues have subsided, as he knows where he stands and knows he is supported. We both love him dearly and he is one with us now. This process was a struggle, but all good things are a struggle to get to, it seems.

Keep talking, expressing, accepting that they love and want you in their lives and with them, and see where it goes. If it is a good thing for you and them, it will be revealed.
 
Great answers, Mono and RP. I was all ready to write something, but I think you both put it much clearer than I could!
 
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