Blogging, blogging, blogging.

I feel that even if I was to say either of those no one would care to try and provide me with things.

Well, you won't know unless you tell it to them clearly. Including the part where you feel like no one cares about what you want.

Then at least you will know for sure whether or not your people care about you, and you can make your next decision based on that.

(I myself need to take my own advice here.)
 
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And I think I may have just destroyed one of my relationships.

I wasn't paying attention to who was around while I was talking to Woodsmith about what I was hurting so much from. Started rambling because I'm hurting and said (in pain and anger) that I just wish Peaseblossum would die.

90% of the history of having things pushed aside has been Primal pushing aside for her. I mean he treats her better than he treats Lamian even.

Primal was sitting near by. I was in such tunnel vision I didn't notice.

I think all he heard was me wishing she was dead.

Wandered off to talk to Lamian about something, has come back, and won't even acknowledge me.

I can't live here if this is the case.
 
Discovered limits I need to set.

Also need to know if this sounds ok (in a pm is fine).

I've been feeling hurt and neglected lately. And if things continue down this way then I will need to end things but because of how much I love you this would mean moving out and removing myself from any thing I would see you at until I heal. Not because we broke up but because we did so without any feelings changing.

Here's what I need. If peaseblossum needs to call you after 10, unless it's an emergency please keep the conversation under a half hour.
More importantly, if we make plans, even if it's just to work out don't cancel them on me for someone else or put me in the position of deciding whether I see you or she does.
 
That sounds pretty straightforward. :)
 
That sounds pretty straightforward. :)
It doesn't sound ultimatium-like does it? Cause I don't want to have it sound like that.

It's so strange how just simple wording can take the same request from a request/need to an ultimatium.
 
Doing much better. I got to talk with Primal about a minor issue that's been hurting (I want to save the bigger issues for when we have our family session with a therapist so we have the mediator).

We're going to change our day together away from the day of the D&D game. It started as that because I was only down in his area on Thursdays for game. But we really don't have any time to actually spend together.

We are also going to make up the 3 weeks we've lost this month. Once was because Lamian had to go the dentist the next morning to have some teeth pulled and she was in too much pain to sleep on the couch. The next was because he was talking to Peaseblossum at 11:30 at night after game and still had to pack for his weekend with her when he got off the phone with her at 12:30. And the last one was a mix of my breakdown but also he wanted to make it easier for Peaseblossum to get sleep before having to get up at 4:30 for work.

So we still need to figure out when we want to change the day to and get out make-up days figured out but it's going to be taken care of.
 
Realized another thing I need to bring up when we have our family session (and they ALL do this).

Sometimes I'll send out texts (whether individual or group) that either have a question or a thought that is important. And I'll never get a reply until i see them (which could be a day or two depending on plans). So I would like to have at the very least some sort of message acknowleding that they got the text and will talk to me about it when they see me next.

I don't trust technology all the time so it's just a reasurrance for me that the message didn't get lost in the electrical webs.
 
So I realized I may need to ask for some reasurance today.

Some background:

Primal and I used to have our night on Thursdays. In October we lost our night three times (once because of Lamian and twice because of Peaseblossum). Because Thursday is also D&D game night we decided to move our day to Sundays so we actually have some time where it can just be us (as opposed to only getting maybe a half hour together after big social time). We also planned to spend this weekend coming up together to make up the time we lost.

Peaseblossum's mom is out of town right now due to a death in the family and told Peaseblossum she has to take care of her grandmother and the dog. Peaseblossum's mom is very against her relationship with Primal and has stated he's not allowed in her house (also he used public transportation which would not get him from her mother's house to work). He's been trying to convince her to go home tonight so they can have the time together.

Sunday she was stating that she wouldn't be able to be home because that would mean there'd be a 24 hour period the dog would be alone and threw a fit when he refused to go and spend that day with her because it was going to be our day.

Now I need the reassurance because on Saturday she made a comment about taking him home with her this coming Saturday (It's Darkeye's birthday and Lamian was joking that Primal can't have the 12 girls that are invited over because it's not his birthday) and now I know she's going to want to guilt him into spending the whole weekend with her because she didn't get to see him this week.

He gave me some reassurance on Saturday when she made the comment because he noticed I got visibly upset by it and let me know that wasn't going to happen because he promised it with me. But now my head is spiraling on me and needs to just hear that again.
 
You know, I really wish I had someone at my work I trusted to fill in on my relationship stuff.

It sucks having things happen that make me giddy that aren't done by Woodsmith and not being able to share them because I'd be looked at strange (and possibly lose my job since I work with kids and OMG, that would make me a deviant).
 
In therapy yesterday I came to the realization that I want Peaseblossum to show my relationship with Primal the same respect I show for hers. As in don't throw a fit if he says he can't do something with you because we already have plans, don't constantly call/text him even if he doesn't answer while we're doing something.
 
Why do I keep giving him more and more chances? So I mentioned last week that the comment Peaseblossum made left me visibly upset and Primal told me that he was going to spend the whole weekend with me because he had promised it.

Well guess what he did last night? Ended up going home with her because she asked him to.

And what am I thinking of doing rather than just ending things with him and moving out? Giving him one last fucking chance. Basically since he lied to me and pushed me aside (for probably the 6 or 7 time since we've been dating) for her I'm making it clear that next Saturday (when he was going to take us both to an event) after the event I want the time with him and for it to be just the two of us because I need him to actually show me that he gives a flying fuck about this relationship and what he tells me he's going to do.

If he doesn't then I'm finally going to grow my own balls and break up with him, move out, and stop spending time anywhere I may see him until I'm no longer in love with him.
 
So I know I talked about the latest drama in another thread cause I needed the advice/support.

Things are still a little tense now a week later but overall it's starting to heal. Basically turned out to be for me emotionally basically a break up with most of the group. Primal and I have talked a lot since Sunday and throughout the week about everything and he's stated that he doesn't want things to end between us, that he still wants to be my boyfriend if I will have him but that he's one request for now is even though I hate thinking of things in terms of hierarchies to think of him as my secondary.

So I know at some point I will still want a relationship with a girl but I'm not going to even think about looking or developing one until A) I'm healed from this all and B) I'm in a healthier spot emotionally.
 
This is not very poly orriented but it's on my mind.

I really want/need a kitten. Our place won't let any more pets in it (the downstairs neighbors have 4 pets and our place has a dog and a snake) but I just feel disconnected not having that cuddle monster that's mine. I miss having that living thing that needs me to take care of it and love it.

The other cuddly type of pets either won't work because of serious fears or the fact I don't have the time to train a puppy.

It's probably why if I wasn't so seriously frightened of being pregnant I really would want kids.
 
I'm so confused what to do. I don't know how to be supportive of Primal without hurting my friendship with Lamian or even if this is something I should be doing.

Back story time.

Lamian and Darkeyes started dating June 2011. Her and Primal had been fighting since April. Primal really wasn't okay with her being in another relationship but felt like he had to say it was okay to try and fix things. September of that year there was a major explosion that almost resulted in Primal and Lamian getting a divorce (they did not live with each other from the end of September till probably around January of 2012).

Lamian refuses to share time with Primal and either Peaseblossum or myself. That wouldn't be a problem in itself but since May (when Darkeyes started feeling comfortable even sleeping in the same house as Primal) she has Darkeyes stay any night she has with Primal so she can snuggle between both boys. She's still highly sexual with Darkeyes (Primal and I accidently walked in on them Sunday when we were getting towels to shower) but hasn't been sexual with Primal in over 2 months (which includes their anniversary and his birthday) because she won't spend any time with just him.

The Sunday of the explosion that happened with me she was talking about how she feels that it's mine and Peaseblossum's fault for needing so much out of Primal that her marriage is still possibly going to end. She also mentioned that she had told Primal that if she met him and Darkeyes at the same time she would have only been in a relationship with Darkeyes.

So now I'm trying to figure out what I can do. I don't want Primal to still be hurting because Lamian constantly pushes him aside but I don't know if there's anything I could do that wouldn't jepordize my friendship with her.
 
So I guess I kinda lied to myself about not looking for a relationship. But I started talking to girl (I'll call her Dsy) on OkCupid who is my age and married and poly. I think the reason why I feel comfortable talking with her is she even stated on her profile that right now she's in the middle of a move/new job so where she is wanting to start is making friends and then after things start settling down start thinking about going on dates with the people she's met.

So at the least I may have a nice new friend from this.
 
There's part of me that's concerned I'm doing things wrong in relation to Dys correctly. I haven't talked with Woodsmith or Primal about her yet. Primal wants me to work on putting him as a secondary right now not on equal ground to Woodsmith so I feel like I should talk to him (Woodsmith) first about Dys. He's been studying for finals and I don't want to disrupt him during that time.

Thankfully he's done with finals tomorrow so I can talk to him about her then. And when I see Primal next after that (and we can have time for just the two of us) I can talk with him about it.

Dys and I haven't even progressed past the talking online part yet to even think about setting up a time to actually meet so I'm not feeling as bad about it if that had happened.
 
Unwanted. Unneeded. There's no allowing of feeling upset or hurt or else I'm just a selfish cunt. I wish I could go back 4 years to never had meet any of them. How, no why, is it the ones you love always cut you the deepest and harshest. Why if they all treat me as a dead weight do they not just drop me? I don't know what to do anymore or how I am supposed to go on.
 
I need to stop journalling/letting my head run away from me when things are not good.

They do care about me. I just have been feeling neglected this past week because I lost my job, Woodsmith is spending almost all of his time sleeping cause he's done with finals and everyone else was out of town house sitting.

Woodsmith and Primal yesterday got me starting to focus on my photography which actually made me happy for the first time this week. So maybe now that everyone is back in town things will get a little easier. I doubt Woodsmith will change his sleeping patterns though. He likes to sleep in (and can easily do so till 3 or 4).
 
Hope you are doing okay. Best of luck with everything!
 
Hoping that once I do this note I am in a more clear spot. I can't go back to the hospital. Not if I keep falling afterwards.
 
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