how can I move past this? can I move past this?

jones

New member
hi all, I found out today that my primary thinks he loves his ex (his secondary partner) more than me and that he wish he met her in uni or when we broke up a few years ago, he wish he got with her.

I am so heartbroken, I have felt second best for a long time and now its clear I am, I don't know if I want to carry on being second best even though they aren't together but her primary partner is thinking of breaking up with her as she did something very hurtful and he hasn't loved her in a long time, so if she is free and single they will get back together.

I don't want this, I have told him this but he is doing it anyway. do I stay or leave? can I stay and how will I deal with it.
 
I am sorry you are upset. :(

I don't want this, I have told him this but he is doing it anyway. do I stay or leave? can I stay and how will I deal with it.

I'm a bit confused... What is he doing that you do not want?

1) Pining for the ex and dreaming?

2) Or asking the ex to get back together with him even though you don't want him to pursue her?​

If it is 1, then perhaps with time he will come back to earth and meet your needs in your relationship. He can still love the ex but past is past.

If it is 2, and he's not meeting needs and there is no hope of meeting needs in future... perhaps it is best to accept and split.

Only you know if partner meets your needs or not (both in short term and in long term.) So debating whether to break up or not... that's up to you.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
I am sorry you are upset. :(



I'm a bit confused... What is he doing that you do not want?

1) Pining for the ex and dreaming?

2) Or asking the ex to get back together with him even though you don't want him to pursue her?​

If it is 1, then perhaps with time he will come back to earth and meet your needs in your relationship. He can still love the ex but past is past.

If it is 2, and he's not meeting needs and there is no hope of meeting needs in future... perhaps it is best to accept and split.

Only you know if partner meets your needs or not (both in short term and in long term.) So debating whether to break up or not... that's up to you.

Hang in there!
Galagirl


he is still talking to her despite it hurts so much that she won't talk to me, she doesn't love me anymore but she still loves him again it hurts, she said she doesn't want a relationship with him but that was a lie.

when he is with me and its just us I don't feel he meets all my needs.

he said today he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me so much, which is great but he loves her more than me, we have been together for ten years and he was with her for 8 months.

he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me, this guy who I love isn't poly if he is thinking like this. or is he?

j is done with me and everything to do with me and she is still talking to G, this hurts so much.
 
I see that it hurts. :(

But here's what appears to be the bottom line --

"when he is with me and its just us I don't feel he meets all my needs."

He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but goes telling you things that upset you like

  • he loves her more.
  • he wish he didn't get back together with me
  • he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me.

That's mixed message. When in doubt? I go with the actions and NOT the words. The actions of him still going after her like this sounds like "less than loving / alienating" behavior to me.

Even WITHOUT all this extra frosting?

You say he doesn't meet your needs when it is just you two anyway. So no cake here, really.

Maybe in the interest of your own best health you pull the plug and walk away? :confused:

I won't kid you -- breaking up stinks. But at least it is stink with an end point and you can start to heal and start to feel better in time.

Rather than staying here only to be enduring never ending stinkage heaped on your head day after day. :(

Freedom comes in two flavors -- "freedom TO" and "freedom FROM."

Maybe you want to reach out for Freedom FROM this yucky even if you don't have anything in mind for what you want to be reaching out TO at this moment?

Galagirl
 
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Big hugs, I know this sucks...

His statement that he wishes he hadn't gotten back together with you and wishes he had met her sooner is certainly not being kind to you at all, and if he doesn't meet your needs, you might need to break away from him. Its going to hurt yes, but it's not seeming to be so
great now either...

I wish the best for you....

Nancy
 
"he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me" <-- This is a terribly cruel thing to say to someone who you're supposed to be in a relationship with. I'm so sorry, but it's time to move on. You deserve better than that.
 
What a cruel, cruel thing to say. I think you need to leave him. You are not second best, and he should have ever said anything like that. Let them be together. When a person shows you who they really are, believe them. Sending hugs your way. You deserve so much better. How can someone say they love you after saying something so cold?

Ry
 
I see that it hurts. :(

But here's what appears to be the bottom line --



He says he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but goes telling you things that upset you like

  • he loves her more.
  • he wish he didn't get back together with me
  • he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me.

That's mixed message. When in doubt? I go with the actions and NOT the words. The actions of him still going after her like this sounds like "less than loving / alienating" behavior to me.

Even WITHOUT all this extra frosting?

You say he doesn't meet your needs when it is just you two anyway. So no cake here, really.

Maybe in the interest of your own best health you pull the plug and walk away? :confused:

I won't kid you -- breaking up stinks. But at least it is stink with an end point and you can start to heal and start to feel better in time.

Rather than staying here only to be enduring never ending stinkage heaped on your head day after day. :(

Freedom comes in two flavors -- "freedom TO" and "freedom FROM."

Maybe you want to reach out for Freedom FROM this yucky even if you don't have anything in mind for what you want to be reaching out TO at this moment?

Galagirl


Hi gala,

me and G had a chat this morning, I spent the night away from him yesterday to think about things, we aren't 100% but getting there, J is the main source of our fights, B is leaving her because he found out she didn't use a condom with G and P, he has moved out and I was trying to talk to her and she said she wanted nothing to do with me, still G is blaming me and fighting with me.

here is my main question: how can I be happy and move on from the right J wants nothing to do with me and wants to talk to G but not me and will one day start dating him again. I did say to G if he dated her I would leave him but he is still going to date her.

I can't see myself staying with him if he dated her.
 
"he said he wish he didn't get back together with me and he wished he met her in uni and dated her and dumped me" <-- This is a terribly cruel thing to say to someone who you're supposed to be in a relationship with. I'm so sorry, but it's time to move on. You deserve better than that.

thank you I wish it was that easy, I love him so much but this makes me so unhappy but he won't stop talking to her or seeing her, I wish she was gone, I am not opposed to him having a relationship just not with her.
 
I did say to G if he dated her I would leave him but he is still going to date her.
I can't see myself staying with him if he dated her.

No matter how you slice this whole thing it is going to hurt. :(

I am so sorry you are going through stages of grief right now. Hang in there. Eventually you will get through the stages to arrive at acceptance and then be able to decide things with less pain. Maybe it helps to know the stages names and monitor yourself as you work your way through? You might wibble up and down but the overall trend getting better?

Do you self care that you need.

People see your struggle -- you aren't struggling alone.

Namaste,
Galagirl
 
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I know I would walk right out the door if someone I loved said such hurtful things to me. Loves someone else "more than" me? I can't quantify love in amounts like that and find it distasteful that anyone would say that! And to my face? That is mean and cruel. Wishing he met her first and was "with her instead" of me? Fine, good, go for it and good luck - you don't deserve me. I've got better things to do than waste my time with someone like that.

Why do you think it's okay to stick around with someone who speaks to you that way and isn't interested in investing in a relationship with you?

I know it hurts but think about it - you can do better!
 
You start loving yourself enough to expect to be treated decently. You tell him if he's not happy with you, there's the door. And you get on with life, focusing on who you want to be, the life you want to live, what you want to have to look back on one day that will make you proud of who you have been.

I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes seeing the way clearly is the first step. I think you're still looking for a magic answer to give you a happy life with a man who continues to do hurtful things, and there is no answer. I'm sorry.
 
Why do you want to be with someone who says that kind of shit to you?

Aren't you the same person who was in a quad with another couple and the woman of the other couple doesn't love you anymore, never loved you in the first place, loves your male partner and is pretending to love you in order to get near him, and you love her so much you want to know how to work things out so that you can all be one big happy poly family? Is that you or do i have you confused with someone else? If it is you, are these still the same bunch of people? The reason i ask all this is because the alphabet soup looks familiar.
 
No matter how you slice this whole thing it is going to hurt. :(

I am so sorry you are going through stages of grief right now. Hang in there. Eventually you will get through the stages to arrive at acceptance and then be able to decide things with less pain. Maybe it helps to know the stages names and monitor yourself as you work your way through? You might wibble up and down but the overall trend getting better?

Do you self care that you need.

People see your struggle -- you aren't struggling alone.

Namaste,
Galagirl

yes that is very true, it still hurts.

yesterday morning we spoke, he said she means so much to him and he can't and won't stop talking to her, I said if she was single would have date her and he said yes, I said to him that it still hurts and everything he said:

he explained: saying he doesn't get jealous if I sleep with someone else he would not get jealous but if she did it he would get so jealous because he didn't get to see her as much (as they don't live together) so that is why he thinks he doesn't love me as much.

J said he said ages ago he wish he never got back together with me, he is saying he doesn't remember this but he would, wouldn't he? he doesn't want to lose me and loves me so much but it hurts, he has known her for a year and known me for ten years, we have children, this feels like a lie.
 
I know I would walk right out the door if someone I loved said such hurtful things to me. Loves someone else "more than" me? I can't quantify love in amounts like that and find it distasteful that anyone would say that! And to my face? That is mean and cruel. Wishing he met her first and was "with her instead" of me? Fine, good, go for it and good luck - you don't deserve me. I've got better things to do than waste my time with someone like that.

Why do you think it's okay to stick around with someone who speaks to you that way and isn't interested in investing in a relationship with you?

I know it hurts but think about it - you can do better!

well the bit about loving her more and wishing he was with her was via text, I was on the way to my bf's at the time.

I told him I needed a day to think away from him, stayed with bf for a bit, he is my best friend too so we talked about it, while he was at home talking to J but he would allow me the time to heal and deal with this and work out what I wanted to do, he wanted a answer right away, I have told him if he EVER got back together with her I would leave him.
 
Why do you want to be with someone who says that kind of shit to you?

Aren't you the same person who was in a quad with another couple and the woman of the other couple doesn't love you anymore, never loved you in the first place, loves your male partner and is pretending to love you in order to get near him, and you love her so much you want to know how to work things out so that you can all be one big happy poly family? Is that you or do i have you confused with someone else? If it is you, are these still the same bunch of people? The reason i ask all this is because the alphabet soup looks familiar.

yes sadly that was me, J and G were happy for a long time, B didn't want what I wanted so we worked on it, B was so unhappy with J being poly, he wanted out and he broke up with us, for months J would only talk to G and me a few times but only to shout at me, it all started when she said she felt she had to date me to date G.

I do love her yes but right now and for a very long time I do not want a happy poly family, not with her, she has done so much, broken my heart, lied to me but to G she is prefect and special.

B has left J now so G will be dating her soon enough and I'll be leaving him but I still need to think on the now, can I keep forgiving G? what will happen next?
 
So G is the one who is saying he wishes he had been with B this whole time? (I'm so confused with all the names.)

I guess forgiveness is one thing as long as the behavior doesn't continue. Also, G owes you an apology.
 
he explained: saying he doesn't get jealous if I sleep with someone else he would not get jealous but if she did it he would get so jealous because he didn't get to see her as much (as they don't live together) so that is why he thinks he doesn't love me as much.

So he's taking your for granted and devaluing you because you live with him? Explaining that doesn't make it any kinder/loving here -- "I love you less because I can take you for granted." Sheesh! :(

J said he said ages ago he wish he never got back together with me, he is saying he doesn't remember this but he would, wouldn't he?

How long ago was this? A LONG time? If so, how about not grinding on the past? Because it is past and you have enough present probs?

But if this was recent past and still applies -- it just adds to the load. Him saying he doesn't remember? He either really doesn't or is lying. Another notch on the "taking for granted" stick then.

he doesn't want to lose me and loves me so much

How about SHOWING it then? Like not taking you for granted and talking mixed messages that cause pain? Make up his mind to be with you, love you, and not alienate you so you want to leave him by demonstrating loving/kind behaviors?
but it hurts, he has known her for a year and known me for ten years, we have children, this feels like a lie.

Of course it hurts.

He treats you with less than loving/kind behavior if he's telling you things like he doesn't love you "as much" because he can take you for granted.

You are grieving... and not ready to accept and make an action choice of your own.

But keep a journal, write all these things. Behavior done/not done. Remember that even without her, you state he does not meet your needs.

So maybe this isn't about her really? Could it be about growing apart in general and digesting that?

Galagirl
 
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How long ago was this? A LONG time? If so, how about not grinding on the past? Because it is past and you have enough present probs?

I only found out this on tuesday but he told J this at least six months ago or more that he thought he loved her more and J says he told her be said he wishes he didn't get back together with me. he still says he doesn't remember saying this (maybe he doesn't want to remember this?)

I told him last night if he got back together with J I would leave him, but he doesn't want to lose me so he wouldn't date her and then it changed to ' what if I have a romantic relationship with her ie no sex but he'll still go on dates, kiss, hugs and tell her he loves her. I said no, the more he talks about the more I feel yes saying yes ok fine, last night I sent a text that I wish I didn't send. I know if I don't do this he will resent me, he told me this a very long time ago.

I gave in and said yes because I want him to be happy, 100% happy which I can't do and G can't understand that having a relationship with her should be enough to make him happy because she is in his life but no he wants a relationship with her.

he is confused, I said how can you love someone more than me who he has been with for ten years, how can he love someone more who he has only known for a year, to which he said more time doesn't equal more love.

How about SHOWING it then? Like not taking you for granted and talking mixed messages that cause pain? Make up his mind to be with you, love you, and not alienate you so you want to leave him by demonstrating loving/kind behaviors?

I told him this and he just says I should leave him if I am so unhappy, so he is not willing to take this onboard, he just sulks and tells me to go because when I get home and I have been away from him all day I want a cuddle but he won't even look up from the pc.

when he was daing J, she use to babysit so we can go on dates. our first date he wanted to rush home because he missed her. ( sucks right?)

second date out: he got home and B was with us too and the first thing he did was sit next to her and hold her hand and talk to her. ( he has never done this to me)

third date: we had a lovely night out, he took me to the park, cuddled me on the swing ( something he did with J on a date with her) but we got home and wanted J to stay, on our date night, J left and gave us time alone ( good for J)

he put some much work in those 8 months than he has ever done with me.

But keep a journal, write all these things. Behavior done/not done. Remember that even without her, you state he does not meet your needs.

So maybe this isn't about her really? Could it be about growing apart in general and digesting that?

I will thanks gg

maybe I don't know as he doesn't know. I try talking about it and we fight.
 
Sweetie, you sound like a place holder. He rushed home after your first date because he missed her? It sounds like he is just not that into you. It does not matter if he said that six months ago or six minutes ago. He still said it, and it had to hurt. He has selective memory.

You had series of bad dates. I would have left then. He wants her so bad? Let him go and be with her. Why would you want to be with somebody so cold? You want to cuddle and he tells you to go? The nerve.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love. You also deserve someone who is not rushing to end dates or asking the other person to stay the night on your date night. That is BS.
 
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