NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

What if you both just tried to let the person whose responsibility it is to make sure they are not selling themselves short, i.e. themself, worry about their own needs, and trust the other person to take care of themself? That way you can both truly enjoy what you have as long as it feels good, without worrying about the future time when it may no longer feel satisfying.

Yes, thank you. We do. It doesn't stop us from having the occasional conversation about, "Are you sure I'm good for your life?"

When you say C is mono do you mean him not seeing other while in a primary relationship and or him requiring the same from primary partner?

Is your husband aware that C is mono in terms of how he(C) would structure a primary relationship.
C doesn't think he'd be able to share his attention between more than one partner in his life at a time so he will likely not date me when he finds someone who can participate more fully in his life. He does say he still loves all his ex girlfriends though, so I don't feel like he'll need to push away from me when that happens. I don't know if he would "require" the same from a mono partner... he doesn't seem to have jealousy issues when it comes to sharing me. I don't know if my husband knows or cares what C's future relationships would look like, but I've made it clear to both of them that if my marriage fell apart for any reason, I would not pursue a monogamous relationship with C (or anyone else).

Or maybe you should look in the mirror and accept just how beautiful your lashes really are.
Oh, I know. We are all beautiful, aren't we? Someone said something about it being the polishing that makes a stone beautiful, and anyone who gets "polished" with enough love is going to be beautiful. At the same time, lashes are lashes. Hardly a reason to feel emotion for someone!

L gave me a nice compliment recently. I've been bedridden a lot with health problems this past year and was bemoaning the loss of my figure and the difficulty I'm having in getting it back, since I keep having relapses, getting stuck in bed and gaining weight again. He said, "You're a beautiful woman who needs to lose some weight. You could be an ugly woman with a fit body and there'd be nothing you could do to fix that." Ha ha -I felt so much better!
 
The reason I asked was because it was put to me that that type of attitude would be insulting to the husband. Having no frame of reference from personal experience because the guy that dated my wife was married. However his wife did not date other people. Never had any conversations with her so I don't know if that was her choice or his. But now I will have to inquire just out of curiosity.

As for sharing ... I do know entering as a secondary has a completely different mindset attached ...right or wrong it different.
 
Yes....him being mono....and particularly not wanting a wife or primary partner of theirs being poly.

I'm not sure how C being mono would be an insult to my husband. I would almost think that it would vouch for his sincerity in his attentions to me -he's not just out playing the field. (Not to say poly people are, but my husband might see it that way.)

Whether C would want his own wife to be poly or not isn't something we've really discussed. I think if C had a primary relationship he would want to do what it took to make his partner happy, so if she was poly like me he'd let her be poly. If he could choose the same person in mono or poly flavors he'd undoubtedly choose mono, as my husband would, but when you love someone you don't always love everything about them. If C thought he was causing me to be poly he'd back right out of my life out of deference to my husband, but I've told him plenty of times if it weren't him, there'd be someone else. This is just the way I'm happiest.
 
feeling sad tonight. even though i am so grateful for this poly framework, this way of thinking about myself that is not pathologizing, sometimes i wonder why i can't just be more like other people who seem to have found THAT person, the ONE that makes them sure about how they want to spend their lives. even if they are poly. what is wrong with me that i can't just give myself that, or give myself to other people like that?

i am constantly running away. alex loves me so much, she is practically bursting with it and has supported me through so much that has been so hard for her, most of the time all she wants is just to spend time with me. but i recoil from her, her kiss, her touch. i enjoy spending time with her but only for contained periods of time. it mostly feels like i am taking care of her.

and then there is K, where the NRE is just bubbling over. i am constantly distracted by thoughts of her, the sex is incredible, i love the way she smells, tastes, feels. and i also keep thinking about all the reasons it wouldn't be okay to fall in love with her. well, maybe falling in love with her would be okay but i can't see myself in a relationship with her. she's got such a wild past that she is still recovering from. her life is so different from mine, sort of like lovers from different sides of the tracks.

alex and i are pretty clearly from the same side of the tracks in many ways. its why our relationship "makes sense". our families, friends, shared interests, all make perfect sense. so why do i want to pull away when she kisses me? why do i not like the way her mouth tastes anymore? am i supposed to try harder, or stop trying??

i have already asked these questions many times here on this blog. you all gave me permission to stop trying, and its was a huge relief to read that. maybe what i need to do is to tell alex to stop trying. that scares me, and that probably means its because i am on to something.
 
I'm not sure how C being mono would be an insult to my husband..

I said the same thing ...." what difference would a potential partners philosophy make to you. " I got a rather long answer back ......(paraphrase) ...to the effect that having this new relationship pushed on to him ...all the adjustments he's had to make to accommodate "them"... and then knowing this new guy doesn't have to and more importantly wouldn't do the same....really would rub him the wrong way. Along with that was the issue of honest intention....just using his wife for sex...or trying to steal ones partner....all that got thrown in the mix.

I did say if that's what your wife wants...(to be used sexually by some guy) and agrees to it .."whats it to you ." It went back to his comfort and the survivability of their marriage. And the need to have a respectful metamor type relationship. And that wouldn't be respectful and thus couldn't happen.

So I guess it's just I guys opinion.
 
I meant to say earlier, I was glad to hear you turned down Sam's offer of hooking up. Seems like the right decision.

As for the other stuff...

Your questions always resonate with me...because I don't know the answers either. :(

I too struggle with the feeling that other people are able to be with someone, to feel purely happy and to know that they want to spend their life with that person...and moreover, that poly people can have that feeling for more than one person.

But I don't experience that feeling. I've figured out that I'm happiest, most in tune with myself, most sure of myself, most content with my life, and most clear about my future path, when I'm single.

I don't want to be celibate or totally alone, and I don't want to not care about other people and their feelings, so I'm slowing figuring out alternative forms of dating/sex/friendships that work for me.

Unlike you, I'm not living with a partner who loves me desperately, so I never had to make the choice to give that up.

Like you, I spent a long time in a situation where I was involved with two people of totally contrasting personality & relationship types. One was a boyfriend I cared deeply for, considered my best friend, and would have moved mountains before hurting. We had a million things in common, including professional and social spheres. But we also had poor sexual chemistry, and he had his own sexual issues which I thought he needed to explore on his own.

The other guy was just pure sexual chemistry, not at all "relationship material," hardly had anything in common with me. He made me feel amazing and I liked him immensely. He was also a complete moron who was stoned a lot.:rolleyes:

Neither guy was right for me, but my instinct to be single was.
 
body feed back

I've been following this thread, and think that BL is doing some brave processing. I left a "good" relationship last year because I felt I needed time to "do my own thing" and explore new loves, relationships, sex partners or whatever. I had been feeling stiffled in the relationship ( with Adam) and though I think we both could have the capacity (and perhaps now do) to work at a poly relationship, last year neither of us was up to it. It was painful for sure to make that choice, but I have learnt and grown imensly because of it. Of course a different sort of learning would have insued if I'd stayed. Listening to how I felt, and how often that "I feel trapped, I'm scared, I need ________" came up was important. Pay attention to how you FEEL with different people. Do you feel free-er, more alive? more loving?Do they facilitate you loving yourself?
hmm, that is some super interesting feedback. i definitely have noticed that my body was more energized when i was convinced i would break up with her, and now i feel more anxious/tired. but i have been attributing it to just the hard work that comes with long-term relationships, thinking that we/i will come out on the other side of this eventually.

I think it's really important that you noticed when your body felt energized. This is crutial!! Our brain/intelect has been overemphasized in our current culture, and I believe our bodies have a lot of wisdom to offer us if we'd only listed. I've been doing a lot of learning about this in my own life, including learning about specific female body issues connected to emotional responses and patterns. (check out the book "Women's bodies, Women's wisdom by Cristiane Northrup)

BL, you mentioned about sliding into depression. I spent many months with Adam being emotionally unhealthy, and yet fearing that I couldn't leave him because he was my support. I've been blessed to find loving people outside of that, and find myself much healthier in all ways as I learn to listen to my body, not feel guilty about what I want/need (and learning how to non-accusingly state this. You're statement sliding under a blanket....love should make you unfold and feel free. Not like you need to crumple and hide. Sometime we tell ourselves a relationship is loving just because that fits with the story we've told ourselves (and our circle of "friends"). Keeping up with a pre-scribed story when it goes against what you *know* somewhere in your body is, in my opinion, dangerous, and unhealthy.
I'm not saying I know what you should do in your circusmstance....just that I applaud your desire to be honest. Keep listening to your body. Do small things to let your body know you are listening, a gentle bath, and soothing words. Sometimes I find it helpful to acknowldege part of my body/feelings as if they were another person....."breast, I hear that you have an abnormality, I'm interested in if there's something you'd like to bring to my attention through this...." or when you feel trapped with Alex "body, I hear your trapped feeling....thank you for bringing this up...I'm not sure how to best act as a result of this feeling, but know that I hear you and want you to keep informing me...."
here's the other wrench in my confidence as of late: in the past month, both my mother and sister have been diagnosed with breast cancer. i went for a mammogram to get myself checked out, and as a result of microcalcifications they found they are asking me to come back for a biopsy. i am not terrified and i know i will be okay no matter what, but it has brought home how nice it is to have someone who i know cares, knows my family and cares about them too, and who i know will support me through whatever i end up needing to go through. that's not to say i don't have other people in my life who will support me, because i do. it just has given me another perspective to think about. i don't want to stay with alex out of fear of being alone, but how does one weigh the pros and cons without thinking about these things?
 
thank you truebrooke for your response and your insight. i agree that the body is such an important source of information and guidance. i am practicing listening to it, and i notice that sometimes i can confuse myself by thinking about what my body is telling me to do especially when it come to NRE. of course my body feels relaxed and excited around K, and tense and anxious around alex (often), because of the circumstances. how do i distinguish between what my body wants to avoid (such as difficult conversations, facing alex's pain and insecurity) and what i "should" do despite that desire to avoid? and when all my body wants to do is bathe in the NRE with K, how do i override those bodily impulses to say "actually what i probably need right now is alone time"?
 
so last night was one of the worst nights of my entire life. i will make the recap brief. basically, i spent a lot of energy trying to make alex's birthday fun for her by planning a party, inviting all of our friends, decorating, getting food, etc. i had a lot of anxiety because we had had a difficult night the night before, and i really did NOT want to mess up her birthday. oh man. then, for some still unknown to me reason, i handed my phone to her to hold for me. i do not know why i did this! later everyone was looking all over for her, and it turned out she had been in the bathroom for a very long time, reading all of my texts. she did this with my email once before, so i should have known better, but really when it comes down to it i have nothing to hide. the problem is, from her insecure, panicked perspective she read into every conversation i had with K and other friends and made it mean that i had been lying to her about something. i am still not sure what in those texts made her think i was lying to her about something because she was never specific and i think i have been really honest (while sparing her the "gory" details, at her explicit request). she mentioned that fact that i called K "love" in a few of my texts (as in, "goodnight love") and a joke i had made to a friend about strapping it on for a guy, but its hard for me to believe she was that mad about those two things.

anyway, she came out of the bathroom livid. she took me outside and proceeded to yell at and berate me. called me a piece of shit and a horrible, evil person. she told me she hates me and its over. i went to turn away and she grabbed me hard by the collar and spun me around to face her. it was horrible. all of our friends were still inside. i walked away in the rain, without my coat or my wallet and got as far as i could. i stood in a doorway blocks away until my best friend came and got me. a friend later told me that alex went back into the party and talked to some folks about what had happened. then everyone dispersed.

talk about the most melodramatic ending possible.

i know this is my fault. i basically set it up to end this way. something had to give because i was too afraid to make the call myself, in a mature and proactive way. i was too scared of feeling the loss, too scared of alex's pain. i wanted her to end it but i didn't know what i would have to do to get her to. its such a chickenshit passive way to go about things but it is what happened. i guess it was my subconscious that knew that by giving her my phone i was giving myself an out. nothing in my conscious mind registered that. nothing in my phone was directly incriminating and i didn't feel like i had anything to hide. but it didn't matter. she reacted to what she made those texts mean in her mind, and she reacted the way she needed to react in order to be able to let me go.

ultimately i am grateful to her, even as i acknowledge that she invaded my privacy and that was wrong. i am glad she is taking some power back and that maybe now we can both truly start moving on.
 
awwwww, sweetie, I'm so sorry for all your drama. Sounds like pretty normal, 30something lesbian life, to me. (been there, done that, got the scars) I'm so glad a friend did come to get you.

You sound really calm. Are you able to stay in friend's apartment, or will you have to be moving out somewhere this weekend?

Even though it wasn't the way your conscious mind wanted it, sounds like you're glad the decision is done.

Be prepared, she may change her mind. Maybe not, but it's been known to happen. I've thrown a lot of people out, and changed my mind.

{{hugs}}
 
Oh, never mind. I'm not over the NRE after all! I've just spent some idyllic time with him, and I'm apparently still quite madly in love. This marks a year since we became friends, and next month marks a year since the first kiss. I suspect this kind of relationship is going to take a very long time to get past this stage, because we are never together frequently enough or for long enough to get the slightest bit tired of each other. (Not to mention the fact that we never get to actually have sex...)

I did challenge him to find some part of me that he did not find overwhelmingly wonderful. He settled on a small chicken pox scar, which he said did nothing in particular to enhance or detract from my appearance. I told him everyone deserves to be loved this much.
 
NRE Goodness and Badness

NRE can be maddening, or amazing depending on if you're on the receiving, experiencing or viewing end of things. To me NRE is like being drunk on love; it's hardly the time to make rational decisions, but it sure is fun!! I say as long as it isn't confusing or hurting anyone it's fantastic. I find it lasts up to a couple of years, but still feel like I'm in NRE with my husband every few months - love goes in cycles in some ways.

Enjoy!
 
I did challenge him to find some part of me that he did not find overwhelmingly wonderful. He settled on a small chicken pox scar, which he said did nothing in particular to enhance or detract from my appearance. I told him everyone deserves to be loved this much.
Oh, you are so funny! "Find something wrong with me! Find it!" You reminded me of the play Italian American Reconciliation by J. Patrick Shanley. One of the main characters is a woman who can't stand how much her husband is so nice to her, puts her on a pedestal and idolizes her, she goes out of her way for him to see she's just a normal human being - she locks him out of the bedroom, poisons him, and finally shoots his dog!
 
Oh, you are so funny! "Find something wrong with me! Find it!" You reminded me of the play Italian American Reconciliation by J. Patrick Shanley. One of the main characters is a woman who can't stand how much her husband is so nice to her, puts her on a pedestal and idolizes her, she goes out of her way for him to see she's just a normal human being - she locks him out of the bedroom, poisons him, and finally shoots his dog!

Ok, I would not go that far! It's not that I want him to find something wrong with me, it's just that I know he's thinking every little thing about me is so great just because it's me. For example, he said my breasts were the perfect shape and size. I said if they were bigger or smaller he'd think that was perfect instead. He admitted it was true. I treasure the compliments that are really about me -he said really sweet things about my dancing style this weekend, for example -but the stuff about my eyelashes seems so obviously love-giddy it doesn't have much meaning. He tagged along on a grocery run this morning and thought it was endearing that I had a menu plan and a list. Really?

But I love being adored, I do admit. And he has the most unique and beautiful eyes, and listens to me like no one else I know, and I love him.
 
it's just that I know he's thinking every little thing about me is so great just because it's me. For example, he said my breasts were the perfect shape and size. I said if they were bigger or smaller he'd think that was perfect instead. He admitted it was true.

I actually am very similar to your guy here in this respect, and it totally has nothing to do with NRE for me. I don't have very many bodily preferences in the first place, but when I love somebody whatever they look like becomes to totally hot/beautiful to me because of that. That also works to the other direction; I find a person I don't like extremely unattractive no matter how hot they are (or were before I found out what they are like).

I actually find it a shame that so many people spend time "hiding their flaws". Flaws are usually whatever makes them look even more personal, and I especially adore those things in people I love.
 
Oh, so sorry to hear this. Wish I'd seen it sooner.

No, you're wrong, this isn't your fault at all. You've still got a lot of guilt going on.

I don't think that you subconsciously handed her the phone because you knew that would spark the end. That doesn't make sense. I don't think you were hiding anything in the text messages that you knew would provoke Alex to leave.

I do think you wanted Alex to end it for you, and that you've wanted that for a long time. But I think you were also trying really hard to make things work with her. You were the one who was being really patient with HER.

My college boyfriend wanted to get me to break up with him--and believe me, he treated me like shit to bring that about. There was no trying, no unconscious sabotage with him.

I think Alex is the one with the subconsciously unhealthy behavior here. Why did she read your texts on a day that you were trying to make special for her? Why did she extrapolate imaginary lies from texts that you weren't even trying to hide from her? Why did she pick a public fight in a way that humiliated you? Why did she say cruel things to you?

She's the one with the problems here.

So please stop beating yourself up.

In a less negative slant, Alex herself, in her own heart, may have known the relationship was over for quite some time, and she was looking for an excuse to end things on her own terms.

Two bits of advice:

1) Things will be okay. It may take a while, but really, trulyou will someday be okay again.

2) Don't throw yourself more into intense feelings for K because of this. Give yourself some personal space to deal with this. Take it slow with K.

Keep us posted.
 
I didn't want to start a new thread about NRE and this one seemed fitting since it's listed in the Master thread.

I wanted to share some comments Seamus made about NRE that I found interesting because I hadn't considered them before. I'd love to hear other people's opinions.

He started seeing this new woman recently, and is experiencing some NRE. The subject was brought up and he commented that he "hated" NRE because it was "fake".
He clarified what he meant: while en enjoys the drugged feelings, being high, and so on, he is frustrated by the fact that he knows it's a chemical trick, that it affects its judgment, he feels manipulated by it. Plus, he much prefers established relationships and the feelings that go with them, and so he sees NRE as something necessary to "go through", but he wishes we hadn't evolved to require it as a species.

I found that interesting because so many people get addicted to NRE, to the point that when it fades off a lot of relationships end, people get disappointed, etc. But he's the other way around, he waits for it to end so he can move on to the "real" relationship, the one where he's not blind to the other's flaws, the one when he's not likely to make bad decisions based on the rush of good feelings, the one when he can think clearly, and feel connections and caring and love rather than NRE.

He says that under NRE he's just aware enough to realise it's affecting his judgment, but not enough to prevent it from doing that. Similar to being drunk I guess.

Does anyone have similar feelings about it? I know personally I really enjoy it, although sometimes I feel silly and immature and get embarrassed about it. But mostly, I just enjoy the rush, and while sometimes I wish I didn't get crushes on some people, for instance, I don't think I would want NRE to just stop existing.
This being said, I do like and want established relationships. But I do want to go through the NRE stage before that.
 
I am right there with Seamus. I hate NRE. I make stupid decisions, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I take risks I know I wouldn't otherwise take. My emotions are more labile. I get anxious. I'll cry over small insecurities. I'll worry I've said the wrong thing in my eagerness, or give the wrong impression.

Yes, there are good parts of NRE, too, but I much prefer being relaxed and happy in my relationships. Once the NRE is done, I love the feeling of contentment as a couple. I enjoy most the part of a relationship where instead of going on dates and explaining ourselves to each other, we are entwined on the couch in pajamas doing crossword puzzles. Where we know each other well enough that small mistakes don't matter and trust in innate. That's where I want to be.

I don't go looking for NRE, I always just hope to survive it.
 
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