accidentaltriad
New member
[NOTE: I posted this in the "Life stories and blogs" subforum, but I'm thinking it probably belongs here instead. I can't find the delete button on the original. Sorry for the double post.]
Seeking insight from those who may have experienced a similar situation.
I'm part of a MFF triad, and though we try to keep all the branches of our little poly family equal (and non hierarchical), I am in actuality the addition to an established relationship of about five years. I did, however, date the M in our triad first, about 7 years ago. The relationship just wasn't ready to grow into commitment then and we both moved on - he to the other F, and me to other relationships that never stuck. I've been friendly with both of them all these years. Now, we've all fallen rather unexpectedly into this relationship. None of us went looking for a poly situation, but here we are. We are very happy and in love on the surface. But I am having problems reconciling some resentment that is, as far as I can tell, programmed into me by societal standards of marriage and family.
I'm feeling hurt over the fact that I will never have the "package deal" as it were, because I have known from the beginning that they are lifetime committed and there will be marriage somewhere down the line. I went into this already knowing that, and accepting it. But now, it's starting to hurt. I know they aren't itching to get hitched any time soon, since they pretty much function as married anyway and all it is would be paper and a party. But the idea of being left out of that really does cut my heart strings.
I've talked about this with both of them. They understand where my hurt is coming from and are being supportive. They have their own set of insecurities. We try to communicate about them as much as possible. She feels like she's the "bitch who stole him" so many years ago. I never thought of her as that at all, because it was me who pulled away from him. She didn't steal him, I gave him up before they started seeing eachother. He, on the other hand, has a lot of guilt for not growing up sooner and realizing what he was losing by not pursuing me. That's not to say that he isn't happy with her, just that it was too little too late when it came to me for many years and that our chemistry deserved a better shot. I don't look at it like that at all, though. It just wasn't the right time. I'm relatively sure if we had pursued a relationship then, we wouldn't have lasted. We were different people.
But the people we are now still have that amazing chemistry, and it has only been even more wonderful with the THREE of us sharing our lives. What started out as friendship turned, somewhere, into the most fulfilling love I've ever known. At first, I think it may have stemmed from all of us wanting some sort of second chance. I didn't think it'd turn into what it is now. I never went looking for a poly relationship. I fell into it. I don't regret it, but I'm having trouble navigating this particular rocky road of the relationship.
I have this gnawing feeling, as we start talking about the future and coming out to their families (mine knows and is extremely supportive) that I will always feel secondary to what they already have committed to. I'm just trying to rationalize it as part of what we know as "normal" not being able to be applied to a nonstandard relationship - like fitting a square peg in a round hole. It's causing me a lot of grief for no reason. Add in to this mix the fact that she had never been too keen on having babies (though she loves children) and he wants them (eventually, when the time is right) I thought I had something big to offer in that department. Now it seems her clock might be winding up after all, and that put a bullet in my heart. As stupid as it is to feel like that somehow lowers my worth, that's my gut reaction. It doesn't help that I too wasn't exactly planning on kids until an unplanned pregnancy a few years before this relationship started changed my entire view. That ended in a miscarriage, and having children has been on my mind ever since. I will be 30 this year, and I don't want to wait too much longer.
So there are a lot of factors here. I'm sorry this got so long-winded. If you're still with me, I appreciate it. I guess what I'm looking for is any kind of insight on ways to deal with that "square peg, round hole" feeling of how things are "supposed" to be and how they really are.
Thanks for listening.
Seeking insight from those who may have experienced a similar situation.
I'm part of a MFF triad, and though we try to keep all the branches of our little poly family equal (and non hierarchical), I am in actuality the addition to an established relationship of about five years. I did, however, date the M in our triad first, about 7 years ago. The relationship just wasn't ready to grow into commitment then and we both moved on - he to the other F, and me to other relationships that never stuck. I've been friendly with both of them all these years. Now, we've all fallen rather unexpectedly into this relationship. None of us went looking for a poly situation, but here we are. We are very happy and in love on the surface. But I am having problems reconciling some resentment that is, as far as I can tell, programmed into me by societal standards of marriage and family.
I'm feeling hurt over the fact that I will never have the "package deal" as it were, because I have known from the beginning that they are lifetime committed and there will be marriage somewhere down the line. I went into this already knowing that, and accepting it. But now, it's starting to hurt. I know they aren't itching to get hitched any time soon, since they pretty much function as married anyway and all it is would be paper and a party. But the idea of being left out of that really does cut my heart strings.
I've talked about this with both of them. They understand where my hurt is coming from and are being supportive. They have their own set of insecurities. We try to communicate about them as much as possible. She feels like she's the "bitch who stole him" so many years ago. I never thought of her as that at all, because it was me who pulled away from him. She didn't steal him, I gave him up before they started seeing eachother. He, on the other hand, has a lot of guilt for not growing up sooner and realizing what he was losing by not pursuing me. That's not to say that he isn't happy with her, just that it was too little too late when it came to me for many years and that our chemistry deserved a better shot. I don't look at it like that at all, though. It just wasn't the right time. I'm relatively sure if we had pursued a relationship then, we wouldn't have lasted. We were different people.
But the people we are now still have that amazing chemistry, and it has only been even more wonderful with the THREE of us sharing our lives. What started out as friendship turned, somewhere, into the most fulfilling love I've ever known. At first, I think it may have stemmed from all of us wanting some sort of second chance. I didn't think it'd turn into what it is now. I never went looking for a poly relationship. I fell into it. I don't regret it, but I'm having trouble navigating this particular rocky road of the relationship.
I have this gnawing feeling, as we start talking about the future and coming out to their families (mine knows and is extremely supportive) that I will always feel secondary to what they already have committed to. I'm just trying to rationalize it as part of what we know as "normal" not being able to be applied to a nonstandard relationship - like fitting a square peg in a round hole. It's causing me a lot of grief for no reason. Add in to this mix the fact that she had never been too keen on having babies (though she loves children) and he wants them (eventually, when the time is right) I thought I had something big to offer in that department. Now it seems her clock might be winding up after all, and that put a bullet in my heart. As stupid as it is to feel like that somehow lowers my worth, that's my gut reaction. It doesn't help that I too wasn't exactly planning on kids until an unplanned pregnancy a few years before this relationship started changed my entire view. That ended in a miscarriage, and having children has been on my mind ever since. I will be 30 this year, and I don't want to wait too much longer.
So there are a lot of factors here. I'm sorry this got so long-winded. If you're still with me, I appreciate it. I guess what I'm looking for is any kind of insight on ways to deal with that "square peg, round hole" feeling of how things are "supposed" to be and how they really are.
Thanks for listening.