thread on sex addiction

Most interesting! I have 'met' true addicts online,they hide behind their computers and rarely have a 'normal' relationship with a woman..they don't know how to!
As far as the celebrities go,well,I never thought Tiger was an addict,more an habitual cheater who liked the attention and the 'ego' involved. I see sports stars down here with women that are not their wives and girlfriends and it seems like people accept that it is just something that goes with the territory,I don't subscribe to that myself..
 
I wanted to try being a sex addict once so I asked my wife for a more regular supply ;)
 
Sorry to lower the tone redpepper that was a joke couldn't resist:eek:
 
I have actually done some reading on this. And this is covered in depth on one of the seasons of Dr Drew. They bring in sex addicts and you learn quite a bit about it. In the case of the 8 or 10 participants this is a little summary

Some are addicted to the physical chemical reaction, like any other drug
Some are addicted to the romantic side of having sex with someone new
Some are addicted to fresh love
All people required this to be NEW. Old partners etc, could not fulfill this need. So increasing the number of times you have sex with your wife would not make it better.

All three groups demonstrate these addictions by having sex with anyone they can. In the midst of what is pretty crappy television there is some good information released.

Obviously the show was a small segment and involved "stars" who were addicted. So it is a small subsection of narcissistic people. But it was interesting to watch how the addiction is more akin to chemical addiction than simply masturbating all the time. They really were craving that chemical release. One of the stars was a drummer from many rock bands. Had never touched drugs, didn'tlike to drink, but had had sex with 1000's of women. He had made the connection that his addiction was no better/worse than the guy addicted to heroin.

I think non-monogamy does attract sex addicts (hell how can't it, its pretty much an open door). We see serial monogamists become serial polyamorists. We see people jumping from person to person trying to get a fix, before NRE is even complete. Unfortunately that will be the connection made to non-monogamy, its bound to happen and you can't fault the general public for this connection as sex addiction becomes more prominent.
 
@ Ariakas: very interesting response. Thank you for sharing. I can understand why a person can get addicted to sex. People get so lonely that they begin to crave the one thing that is denied them. Then it builds and eventually gets out of hand when left untreated. Perhaps if the loneliness (or whatever) was addressed early on, the addiction might not get out of hand. Who really knows? Sex is pretty darn nice, especially when its with someone new...
 
Some of these responses seem to suggest that sex addiction is the product of deprivation, but isn't that like saying a person in AA avoiding alcohol is more addicted than someone who is still in denial of their addiction? Generally, I find that you only really find out how addicted you are to something when you try to stop using it. I think that people who have regular sex in whatever way have developed a habit that is very hard to break. This is, I think, why so many monogamous breakups are immediately followed by rebound relationships instead of people taking some time to themselves and re-centering. Idk, though, are there people who can have sex regularly for a long period of time and then go without for an equally long period without feelings of withdrawal?
 
This is, I think, why so many monogamous breakups are immediately followed by rebound relationships instead of people taking some time to themselves and re-centering.
I think it's more common for monos not to seek out new relationships on the rebound. Society has conditioned most monogamous people to be cautious about that. Whenever I heard about someone on the rebound was looking to get involved with someone, I ran in the other direction. It's generally common knowledge that rebound relationships will be fraught with trouble and/or drama.
 
I think it's more common for monos not to seek out new relationships on the rebound. Society has conditioned most monogamous people to be cautious about that. Whenever I heard about someone on the rebound was looking to get involved with someone, I ran in the other direction. It's generally common knowledge that rebound relationships will be fraught with trouble and/or drama.
When you say "looking to get involved," do you contrast that with more casual dating or all dating? My impression is that lots of people jump into casual dating and I don't know how they keep from getting involved. I seem to be better at walking away from people than I used to think I was capable of, but like most addictive things, I see a lot of people who aren't up to the challenge of resisting. Maybe I just don't see the people who are.
 
I think it's more common for monos not to seek out new relationships on the rebound. Society has conditioned most monogamous people to be cautious about that. Whenever I heard about someone on the rebound was looking to get involved with someone, I ran in the other direction. It's generally common knowledge that rebound relationships will be fraught with trouble and/or drama.

When you say "looking to get involved," do you contrast that with more casual dating or all dating?

Well, most of the time, dating is where involvement begins, so yeah, that includes dating (???). One wouldn't suddenly make a huge leap from being single to being involved, without some phase of going out together and getting to know each other first - right? So, back in the days when I was single (before I got married), if someone on the rebound asked me out, I would feel very trepidatious about it and likely turned them down. Guys on the rebound were simply considered too much trouble and drama. It's a very common thing that was always reinforced - don't date people on the rebound.
 
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Bah :( I wish I had given this more consideration. I had a few fleeting moments wondering if the nurse and I getting involved was just bad news given that both of us were on the rebound. And yup, it came back to bite me in the ass. I think that's the last time I ever try to make that work. What do you guys think in terms of time for some
one to wait after leaving a committed relationship?
 
Hey, dear sweet Ray, what I posted was just to comment on what's always been drummed into our heads about relationships, especially in monogamy -- because there's such a focus on finding that One True Love, you want to make sure that person is sane and ready for a "serious relationship," not broken and wounded. So, we're always warned against that rebound guy or gal.

But that's just the collective old wives' tale.

It isn't always necessarily true that we should avoid relationships when we're trying to bounce back into life after a breakup.

According to most wisdom, I should've waited one to two years after my husband left me to feel normal again before dating. But when I started going out with guys after just a few months, I really needed the validation and physical intimacy to help me feel like I had a direction in which to head. Otherwise, I thought I would be crumpled in a heap sobbing forever. Sure, sometimes I look back and say, "Oy, how embarrassing, I wasn't ready for what I got myself into," but it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't ready! Sure, we need to be careful getting involved with the ones who are so very wounded, or when we are so very wounded, but if we trust our intuition, we'll be okay!

There's that other old saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." All those rebound relationships can teach us something. Staying out of the game is not just no fun, it closes off possibilities for important lessons we can learn about ourselves. You can't learn about relationships when you're not in one.

So, don't fret! You have been, and continue to be, doing fine!
 
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All those rebound relationships can teach us something. Staying out of the game is not just no fun, it closes off possibilities for important lessons we can learn about ourselves. You can't learn about relationships when you're not in one.

Darlin', we're all profoundly related to everyone and everything--everyone and everything we encounter, and beyond. And "rebound relationships" are just the confused wanderings of those who don't yet realize this. There are no failed relationships. There is no failure in love. All loving leads to deeper loving.:)
 
There are no failed relationships.

That's what I have always said. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it failed or that anyone was wrong. Sometimes relationships just end.

I don't understand your comment about rebound relationships being confused wanderings. I'm not advocating that anyone avoid getting into a relationship soon after a breakup. I'm saying all relationships teach us lessons, so not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. That's all.
 
That's what I have always said. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it failed or that anyone was wrong. Sometimes relationships just end.

I don't understand your comment about rebound relationships being confused wanderings. I'm not advocating that anyone avoid getting into a relationship soon after a breakup. I'm saying all relationships teach us lessons, so not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. That's all.
And excessive drama and aftermath can all be part of the process of learning and self-expression that comes with the relationship?
 
I don't understand your comment about rebound relationships being confused wanderings. I'm not advocating that anyone avoid getting into a relationship soon after a breakup. I'm saying all relationships teach us lessons, so not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. That's all.

Nycindie, We're in agreement. We agree that the social norm which says one should wait a year or two before engaging again in a romantic relationship, as to avoid "rebounding," can be more than a little presumptuous. When I said "rebound relationships" are "confused wanderings," I was by no means implying that all relationships which begin very soon after the ending of another relationship are "rebound relationships". It depends on the maturity of the people involved whether it will be so. A "rebound relationship" occurs when person X feels a gaping hole, an unbearable lack, with the absense of a partner, and then attempts to fill that hole of lack (read, avoid the whole painful matter) by using another person to fill the hole.

Another way to move forward would be to add a "W" to "hole" -- creating a "whole". This doesn't require years to do. It can happen in a moment, in a month, in a week, in the blink of an eye....

My new "love interest" is presently separating from her husband. She's grieving the end of the relationship. But she knows she is a whole person, and I am a whole person. We are not lack-centered people. There is no hole to be filled, for either of us. (Keep it with those puns, dearies!) When two whole people come together, even soon after the ending of a relationship, there is no rebounding going on, because there is no hole to be filled, no gaping lack. Instead, there is the joy of wholeness shared!:)
 
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Sorry, I was feeling quite depressed when I posted earlier. I think you have a good point that it really is up to the individual and one can never know the true value of an experience until later. I do think that the Nurse and I moved a bit too quickly to our detriment but still, I suppose we had a right to try. And it's not to say we can't revisit it later. The hard time I'm having has less to do with the Nurse and more to do with existing mental health issues/emotional instability. I realized I need to be a bit more careful and my therapist and I are keeping close tabs on the situation. Transference, as they say?
 
It isn't always necessarily true that we should avoid relationships when we're trying to bounce back into life after a breakup.

I was introduced to mama 4 maybe 5 months after my 1st wife and I seperated. we've now been married almost 8 years. I don't think there is a specific time period, you just kinda know when you're ready to try again.
 
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