Building Self Esteem - What Works?

polycouple

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It seems many people go through a point in time where they realize self esteem is an issue. I am at that point. Most people don't know this about me. I am 27, live on my own in a cute apartment, have great friends, a loving family, two lovers, and I am in my last year of a graduate program at a prestigious university. Despite all of this, I am have low self esteem that follows me like a shadow. I find myself wondering often, can I do this right? Do people really like me? Am I good enough? Why can't I do more? etc...

I am looking to change this. I just want to be more loving towards myself. I have taken a lot of great advice from members of this site about my relationship with an established couple (which may or may not be a permutation of a negative relationship pattern that I have). Mainly, I have taken a step back from the relationship, started to take time to myself, and seek friendships outside of my relationship. It's been hard the last week, feeling lonely daily, lots of teary calls to mom who is thousands of miles away.

I guess what I am after is some ideas about what has worked for you in terms of enhancing self esteem? What works?

Thanks ahead for any advice/insight!

I don't think this is necessary but if you want some more context on my situation feel free to look up some background info here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14435

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13430
 
I guess what I am after is some ideas about what has worked for you in terms of enhancing self esteem? What works?

I used to feel that way, "why would anyone like me". The thing I remember that changed how I felt about myself was when I discovered I was really good at giving massages. I was working as a picture framer and I used to do people's wrists and shoulders on our breaks. ONe thing led to another and I started to feel better about myself. I still continued to have those low points every now and then but as I learned new things started writing bad poetry that other people liked... well I liked it then too but I don't relate to it anymore.

I haven't felt like you said in years. I think I'm the coolest person I know. :cool:
 
hi PC!

The Essence resolves low self esteem, lack of confidence and diminished self love. In the negative mode the person will appear crushed and 'held in'.


the first thing i did (that was suggested to me by someone) when i had to face serious problems jumping out from my low self esteem, was getting this Flower

it's named Five Corners; it gives a strong stability as if our five limbs become five columns. the first few days in taking this flower (2 drops under your tongue every evening, last thing you do before sleeping also to be sure that you don't stop its effect while "dirtying" your mouth with other susbtances like food or smoke) may be a bit strange 'cause we have to give time to our "system" to approach to a completely new circumstance. than it will give a proper, direct answer to what you're looking within yourself.

in addition to this i asked for and received a good kind of literature that could substain this path.
i didn't approach any psycologist for this kind of ego-tricks.
my motto is "più pratica e meno grammatica".

if you feel in getting Flowers (you may buy it in your chemistry) maybe i let you know little advice more about. ;)
 
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Building self-esteem is as simple as changing the way you talk to yourself.

Its also as hard as the way you talk to yourself.

A friend once said, "Positive thinking is powerful, but negative thinking is 1000X more powerful"

Its a matter of retraining your brain as to how you think. A couple of methods:

Mantras - create a mantra (or two) for yourself and tell yourself that whenever you look in the mirror. It works better if you say it out loud. That way your brain processes it verbally as well as in thought form.

"What's good about me" lists. Create a journal about what's good about you. Add to it. Read it frequently.

Find something you're good at and get better. Find something you'd like to do and get good. Find something that you want to do and excel at it. Learn a new skill.

Ask your friends, "what is it about me?" and write it down.

Wash, rinse, repeat. The messages we hear when we are very young permeate into our daily lives as adults. We need to rewrite those messages.
 
Thanks all for your replies. They are much appreciated! I do think I need to change my perspective. I've been feeling really lonely, wondering if I will find new people to connect with in my new-ish town.
 
This is something I've been struggling with for a long time. With my home life I never got out much, and my father put a huge early dent in my self-esteem. I always think I'm not smart enough, strong enough, fast enough, attractive enough, to fat, or in other words, always lacking. Because I have this view of myself, I'm extremely self critical of any perceived failures, personal, social, or with relationships.

How do I fight it? It's hard some days. Sometimes a massive "failure" can send me tumbling deeper into a depression cycle for my bi-polar. But there is one thing I always do that helps me gather my self-esteem up.

I get up, dust off, and have another go.

The worst thing you can do is fall on your ass and not get back up again. Trying something over and over again can hurt, but the feeling of beating it can help build more self-esteem then all the failures combined. As was said before, learn a new skill, or try something new and see if you have a talent for it.

But most of all, believe that you can do something and keep on trying. Don't know it, feel it.
 
I'm finding that learning about mindfulness is helping. I'm reading Tara Brach and listening to her audio talks and they really bring home the point that most of us feel some sense of deficiency about ourselves at some point. She has an audio CD series called Radical Self-Acceptance that is cool, and her audio talks free on her website can really help.

I also really enjoy Brene Brown's books and talks. She has a couple on you tube from some conferences-- good stuff.

For me these things have helped me realize that I'm not alone in this, that I'm worth loving and given me some tools I'm learning to use to shake myself out of the denigrating self-talk.

Plus-- both of these ladies are awesome and FUNNY. And laughter helps a lot.

That and yoga. :)
 
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I've been feeling really lonely, wondering if I will find new people to connect with in my new-ish town.

Some friends of mine moved to a new city two years ago and they told me today that they're just now really starting to make new, good friends. I'm not saying it'll take you that long (these particular friends have some small amount of social anxiety going on), I just wanted to make the point that you're not abnormal for feeling isolated now -- it can be *hard* to build a brand new network from scratch! But it'll get easier with time.
 
Some friends of mine moved to a new city two years ago and they told me today that they're just now really starting to make new, good friends. I'm not saying it'll take you that long (these particular friends have some small amount of social anxiety going on), I just wanted to make the point that you're not abnormal for feeling isolated now -- it can be *hard* to build a brand new network from scratch! But it'll get easier with time.
One thing I find hard when meeting new potential friends is perhaps coming off too strong. But also found that by not even trying to make friends will often lead to making more friends. =]

I really love the earlier comment about making a list of everything good about yourself and adding to it. Asking your friends and adding those to the list too. I want to try that out. See how much I can really find out about myself. =]
 
My suggestion is double-edged:

On the one hand, it might help to find out just WHY you've got this low self-esteem (when everything seems to be going your way). In my own case, it was largely due to

a) my father's continuingly telling me that I didn't match up to my [eight year elder] brother. ("Why, at your age he was so much more responsible than you! I could have dropped him off at the corner and by the time I'd found a place to park, he'd have bought half the items on this list. With you, I have to drag you into every single store myself...")

b) my eldest sister's continuingly telling me that I broke everything I touched.

c) the Church telling me (continuingly) that I was basically an oozing bag of filth, and that it was a miracle beyond human understanding how God could possibly love such a scumbag.

Often we have low self-esteem because somebody has drummed into us what losers we are. It might help to realise that the kind of people who spend their time putting other people (us) down are usually pretty fucked up themselves and turn their own self-loathing into attacks on / criticisms of others.

The second part of my advice I now copy-and-paste from another thread that I posted it on. This one seems a good home for it. Bear in mind that the individual details need to be tailored to each person's own situation / capabilities / strengths. It's almost 3am, I got just a few minutes sleep LAST night, and I haven't got the energy / time right now to modify it into general terms:

I had a MASSIVE inferiority complex when I was a child and adolescent. I'm going to give you my self-therapy tip and ask you to try it out:

Look at yourself in a good-sized mirror. Look into your eyes and tell yourself:
a) I'm an attractive woman.
b) (More important) I'm a good person.
c) I have friends who do really care for me.
d) I have a supportive husband who loves me (and loved me when I was "OBESE") and a son who thinks the world of me.
e) I'm an excellent ---. [In my case it was ... babysitter and the maker of the best pizzas I know. (I have now graduated to "the best babysitter I know", as well.)]
f) I'm intelligent and caring.
g) If anybody else has problems accepting me as I am and/or seeing my worth... well that's their problem - not mine - because my worth is plain to see to anyone who (as the Little Prince' Fox said) "sees with the heart".

My therapy is free, it works (even if you can't help laughing at yourself during the first few sessions)... and it'll drive your husband crazy, wondering what you're doing for so long locked in the bathroom.

+++

I hope that that helps. If you click on that link, you'll find that Ivy DID feel silly trying it... but that it did help.

It doesn't even matter if you have a sneaking suspicion that those nice things you're saying to yourself are lies. Hearing them helps... and works the miracle that they stop being lies (self-fulfilling prophesy).

[It actually took me years to really feel good about myself... but mine was a pretty extreme case.]
 
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I too struggle with low self esteem and I absolutely love everyone' comments on the matter. Thanks for posting!
 
I found that i would look in the mirror, and rather than focusing on all the things i would change if i could, i would tell myself 'your hair is GORGEOUS, look how it makes everything light up'. And slowly my own list of things iliked i about myself grew.

Admittedly its been a long uphill battle with everything. But its focusing on good things.

I have a 'self-esteem folder', and when i get really good feedback/comments from work i add them, i've asked my friends to write me letters telling me why they love me.

ETC. and i can refer back to that folder when i feel like a crap person who is totally unlovable. :) [mine is still tiny and very underfed, but at the same time - the act of asking people for that feedback, means that a lot of them are just more verbal in 'loving each other up' from time to time - so its actually benefited my entire group of friends because we just tell each other that we love each other/why, a lot more now ]
 
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