What are your "What ifs"

MonoVCPHG

New member
Redpepper and I had a great discussion today about the compromises we make to be together. This was sparked by some new posts around mono/poly relationships.
One of the things brought up was her asking what if about relationships that have possibly passed her by due to our compromises. What would have happened to those relationships if they were allowed to become whatever naturally occured?

This made me realize that I also often ask myself what if we just drop this compromise and see what happens? This leads to what if it is great, no big change, more freedom and acceptance. It also leads to what if it breaks my connection with her or sets me up to make an exit.

There is a constant assessment of the impact of these what ifs that both of us go through frequently or all the time.

Do others go through this and if so...what are your what ifs and how do you handle them?
 
I usually wonder if any of that could possibly be as bad as cancer, kidney failure, or paralysis... so, no.
 
I am trying very hard to avoid all the what ifs and deal with things as they come. I can't prevent myself from thinking of them, but I'm working to not live by them.
 
but I'm working to not live by them.

I think this is a very important point. Being consumed by "what might have been" can almost become an addictive behaviour. It can lead to the erosion of present happiness as we live in either the past of possible future.
 
I can't prevent myself from thinking of them, but I'm working to not live by them.

Love this statement!!! That's exactly how I try to live my life as well.
 
Do others go through this and if so...what are your what ifs and how do you handle them?

I wonder what would have happened if, instead of breaking up with my ex, I had suggested poly to him. We were in a long-term LDR, I wasn't getting enough of sex, and whereas I wanted to graduate, move to the same country and be together, his plans for the near future changed constantly, until at last he was able to fess up that he didn't see himself settling down to any one country in the next five years. And I told him I was not going to waste next five years of my life hanging on to a monogamous LDR. I later thought it could have been the chance to bring up poly, but I didn't know the concept at that time.

Besides, everyone here says that relationship issues will only deepen and worsen with poly, so we maybe weren't really cut out for that anyway.
 
If the what if's are looking back the list could potentially could go on forever. Going forward .... I had and interesting encounter at the local gas station-mini mart... they have opposite swinging doors....an in swinging and an out swinging ...... this stunningly attractive women steps in front of the in swinging door and I almost hit her with the door ....next as I was getting my morning coffee she slipped and bumped into me..... then as we were both leaving the parking lot she changes her mind and starts backing up and I had to honk to divert the accident...she stopped just in time .... I got out ....she started to apologize and I said Hi I'm (name ) I think the universe wants us to meet....better get this out of the way before somebody gets really hurt.....she laughed and that was it....haven't seen her since. But what if.

Mono the" what if's" only extends to you dropping the compromise. Not "what if " I'd had the same number of partners RP has or just simply having one other relationship?? The what if's thoughts that cascade out of that are pretty endless.
 
What if I had followed the person I'm not dating all those years ago when I saw hir walking down the street from my highschool parking lot and said hi at the local store, instead of meeting hir about a year later at a mutual friend's party. Would I have started polyamory sooner? Would I have been happier? Would I have started on my journey sooner? Would I have been happier sooner?

Oh well. At least I'm happy now, and honestly, wouldn't change a thing at this point. :D
 
The thing is Mono, if I hadn't of agreed to make the compromises I did I would be saying, "what if I had agreed to compromise?" Its more attuned to my nature to agree to try "us" out and give "us" time and space to grow than to say "fuck it I'm doing what I want because I'm poly and you have to deal with it."
 
What if I had posted more openly on these boards?
What if I had reached out in a way that I was able to get constructive advice?
What if I had stayed in Victoria?
What if I had learned some lessons about myself and my marriage sooner?
What if I had known to define things so that everyone's expectations were on the same page?
What if...

Well, it doesn't matter anymore, because NONE of those things happened.

So instead I could think...

What if I find someone who interests me enough that I start dating?
What if I get lost in NRE?
What if I never find anyone else?

Meh.

Its all good... because I could what if myself back to 1989 when I was first with my first 'love' and he threw me to the ground and hit me and instead of going with the kind strangers who offered to help me, I stayed with him...

So I prefer to think...

What if we just keep on doing what we're doing?

Because right now its working :)
 
What if my husband gets posted? What will that mean for me?
 
What if I untether from identifying as monogamous? OK, so I haven't got another love in my life at the moment but neither do many polyamorous people. What if we can release identities/labels that no longer serve us?
 
What if the sun explodes?

What if an asteroid half as big as the moon collides with Earth?

What if a 12.8 earthquake rocks the whole continent?

What if she is an alien disguised as a human and intends to eat my lungs for breakfast?

These things worry me. A lot!
 
My biggest "what if" is "What if I had not been openly poly".

It's not a think with a SPECIFIC relationship or anything. But when my ex-wife and I opened out marriage (I'm poly, she is 'open'), it was clear that it was because I wanted to fall in love again. She wanted partners.

This level of freedom and honesty in our relationship felt amazing and I wanted to share that "option" with people, so I came out pretty early on.

I live in a community of a thousand tight-knit folks with a common purpose. Within this community, I became somewhat of the poster boy for polyamory.

My only regret is what if I hadn't done that. The first person I fell in love with never returned my feelings... or not openly so. She was married and supposedly mono. She seemed to react more to the fact that I was poly, even when I was poly and SINGLE, than the fact that I was developing feelings for her.

She's been struggling with her marriage for a long time and she seemed to think that I was advocating one of two things - poly or divorce - when I was simply advocating for her to do what was right by her own developing standards. For years, she stayed with her husband.

Several weeks ago, and after I got myself to believe that holding those feelings for so long was unhealthy for me, she divorced of her own free will. After becoming limerent toward my best friend who is mono.

I have to wonder, partially arrogantly and partially just to ponder how domino effects happen... Had I been visibly "single" at that time... Had I been less of a leap from her valued "traditional" relationship, may that have happened sooner? Might we have become involved?

But I don't strictly REGRET my decision. I just wonder.
 
Back
Top