In the beginning.....was confusion.

StudentofLife

New member
Being entirely new to this, it's with some trepidation that I start this blog. I have so many questions, and so little insight. I have so much to learn, and no real life guides to turn to. For me, the first step has always been to read, read, read, and try to educate myself as best I can from the resources available. Then, when I feel I have the ability to ask a question, (preferably not one that has already been asked and answered a million times before ) I can venture out.
The first problem I see is simply one of semantics. It appears that for someone new, the chances of putting a foot wrong by not expressing clearly and correctly what they are asking can lead to a veritable shitstorm of confusion, possibly the leaving the newcomer ashamed, wigged out, and wishing they had thought to put on a helmet before posting. Maybe one of those with a faceguard.:eek:

While looking for information on triads, I found this post by Zylya:
(slightly trimmed)

“The second set, which applies to me personally, is the group of people who simply prefer triads to other relationship configurations. For me, saying I'm looking for someone to join our relationship shouldn't hold any implications of unicorn-hunting, because that's not how I view relationships, but I will admit it is probably a lazy use of language on my part. The thing for me is that saying "I'm looking for someone to join us" is far simpler than saying "I hope to find another person that we're both interested in, to some degree, who is also into us, to some degree, that we could form a whole cluster of mutually enjoyable and beneficial romantic and sexual relationships, together with no prejudice based on previous relationship status and with no unrealistic expectations other than to be totally honest with each other and let things develop naturally."

If I had to type that out every time, I'd get arthritis in my wrists in no time. "to join us" is just a short-hand way of saying that for me. If you think about, any relationship is a joining of two people, it's just that saying you're looking for someone to join me/us is simply from my perspective. It doesn't mean that I think the other person doesn't have a perspective, it's just a way of phrasing it.

To me, it seems like a lot of people say something without carefully considering their words, and so people assume things that weren't necessarily intended, and could've been avoided with a better use of language.”


EEEEEEEK! Arthritis seems to be the least of the pain involved with having to type that repeatedly, and yet failure to clarify will likely lead to the Land of Nothing Good. It seems to me a lot of people arrive here in mid-crisis, having experienced some kind of upheaval in their relationships and being thrust into the idea of “more than two” without any prep time. Others appear to have come voluntarily, but without any long periods of reflection on what the consequences to their lives will really be. For my partner and I, there has already been over a year of casual discussions, and now the agreement that at least another year should be spent examining the issue in detail before making any moves forward in terms of real life people. Are we too cautious? It seems that no matter how much preparation goes into this, unintended issues will arise. The best we can do is expect the unexpected. Is it worth it? Not something we will know until we try, I suppose. But to not try will have consequences also. For myself, leaving things as they are means ignoring who I really am, and that has become unacceptable to me. For my partner, it means leaving some truly serious questions unanswered. For both of us, my fear is that failing to address these issues now will lead to regret later, when we are both too old and withered and prune-like to be able to do anything about it.:(
Am I morbid for worrying about the regrets I’ll have on my death bed? Heh. Probably.
Then again, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Especially if The Pidge is the one driving the bus!!
 
Studly Sixpack Or Grizzly Grandpa?

People are curious creatures. I've been reading at some other sites and there seems to be this....trend.
Married couple decides to try open marriage--hot young girlfriend is located--quickly becomes obvious Young Hotty is much more into the husband than the Wife--chaos ensues. Wife does superhuman things to try to make things work--husband repeatedly disrespects Wife in order to champion Young Hotty--Wife's brains begin to boil within her skull--Young Hotty reaps the benefits of appearing to be the easy going one--Wife takes on the burden of supporting Young Hottie, either financially, emotionally, or spiritually--Husband continues to disregard the needs of Wife in order to pacify Young Hotty. Wife ends up being Young Hotty's surrogate mother, teaching her basic manners and ethics, while husband has his nose sharply nipped when Young Hottie's ardor for him cools and she plays the "I get another boyfriend in addition to Husband!" card. Husband comes crying to Wife that he feels abandoned. Wife gives him comfort.:confused:
All of this makes me convinced that The Pidge and I are lucky to be two women possibly opening up to the idea of meeting a man. Also, if we do go out to meet someone, he'd better be a combination of Rooster Cogburn and Grizzly Adam's grandpa; someone with rampant ear and nose hair, those eyebrows that look like cat whiskers, a paunch belly, bowlegs, and his pants hiked up to his armpits. His idea of a good time will be the early bird buffet special at the local Chuck Wagon, followed by a quiet evening of Laurence Welk reruns, a glass of Metamucil, and safely tucked into bed by 7pm. Yup, this will be the man of our dreams. If by some freak of fate, we were to meet swaggering young Studly Sixpack, The Pidge can throw some quarters in the air and while he's distracted ("Oh, look!!! Sparkly!! Shiny!!") she and I will beat a hasty retreat to the Nash Rambler and get our saggy butts home where they belong. Too much youth and beauty is just not where we want to go.
 
Asked and answered

I posted my first question today and got some really great answers and two new links to sites I had never heard of. It's clear now that by trying to fit questions based on a standard mindset to a non-monogamous situation, I'm not going to find the answers. I'd never really thought before about how for people in small sub-sections of the population, no sweeping answers are available for their group as a whole. I guess in my mind it seemed like if you just knew where to look, someone somewhere had gotten a grant and done surveys and research. The internet seems these days like you can find anything--the numbers of one-eyed Saggitarian platypus living in one square mile of swamp eating only green and yellow slugs? Look *here*...
The Pidge and I have talked recently about how terrified I am to make mistakes, because in my family mistakes are not acceptable. The constant judgement of even the simplest choices eats away at my brain until I am almost paralyzed, for fear of doing the thing wrong. To me, a lot of the people I have been reading about seem fearless, leaping into shark-infested waters and risking their lives without any sign of terror that it will lead to huge regret. I can remember being able to do that, many decades ago, but it seems beyond my capabilities now. And yet, just like it was with meeting Pidge, eventually it came to the point that I just had to do it to know if I could do it. When did I become such an utter chickenshit? This must be one of those things where they say people only move when the pain of moving becomes less than the pain of standing still. I really miss the good old days, when trying something new was based in enthusiasm, and not just fear. Middle age is not fun. Not right now, anyway.:(
 
Chew the newbie

Mmmmmm.......Take that first bite. Oh, the tender, flaky crust. Buttery and luscious, folded over on itself so many times, and lightly golden brown. Delicate and rich, just the way a first time poster should taste. Like a croissant, but not necessarily French. Like an Egg McMuffin, but glorified and brushed by an angel's wing tip. Still warm from the oven, just the way we like it.
And the filling!!!! Fresh meat, clearly. And not some tough old mutton, either. No, this is the GOOD STUFF! This is lamb, this is veal, this is baby squid still squirming as you swallow. This is the stuff Anthony Bourdain dreams of when he's been swilling absinthe. This is the stuff Andrew Zimmern would trek across the globe to try.
Tiny cubes of succulent nervousness, in a creamy white sauce comprised of equal parts insecurity and the desire to be welcomed. Is that a hint of trepidation, perhaps infused into the olive oil? No? Chive, then? Fear of rejection? I never would have guessed!
How did you get that shine to the top? Ah....a wash of second thoughts, applied with a brush just after it came out of the oven. Clever.
Nothing feels better than coming home from a hard day, and settling in with a nice glass of white wine and a steaming plate of Forum Newbie. It's even better when you spoil yourself, and use the good china.:eek:
 
For my partner and I, there has already been over a year of casual discussions.

Good. You took a good while to deliberate each of your willingness. :)

now the agreement that at least another year should be spent examining the issue in detail before making any moves forward in terms of real life people. Are we too cautious?

There's initial willingness and then there's mapping out the plan if you want to go in with a plan. The HOW you want to do it. To want to polyship WELL and from a solid foundation is commendable. :)

Because different people bring different skills to the table, there is no "how much time is enough time" that is the SAME AMOUNT of time for every polyship that wants to go in with a plan. (Some don't and like winging it on the fly -- that's fine too) Could just take the time required for THIS polyship to be on solid ground before launching a new mission.

It seems that no matter how much preparation goes into this, unintended issues will arise. The best we can do is expect the unexpected.

Yup. Can map out how THIS polyship will deal if it encounters common mistakes and lay out a plan to cope.

But can also accept it is not possible (nor should you try) to predict each and every situation Life will throw your way. Can't spend all your life "What Iffing." You will miss your Life by not being present for it! Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Could focus on having set out conflict resolution method you both can deal in to sort out whatever conflict arises.

Could choose to set out how you want to part ways, should that ever come to pass. Fix the two end points, then let it be what it will be in the middley bit there -- in the good faith in each other that you both will treat each other WELL regardless where you are within that scope. Be it solving a conflict problem thing, being just fine, or being at landing the polyship and disbanding the mission.

You will be ok.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you Gala Girl

I just wanted to say thanks for your response. Your comments and suggestions have been uniformly kind and helpful, and you always come across with the links, too!
The Pidge and I had a really good talk about all of this yesterday, and I think we have reasons to be reassured by how similar our goals are, and our plans for how to handle this. Bottom line, it'll be a learning experience no matter how it ends up. I hope for both our sakes, and for the sake of our as-yet mysterious Third, Toilet Seat Guy, it ends on a positive note.
In our three years together Pidgie and I have gone through some wacky and scary stuff together, and through it all our friendship has been solid as a rock. I truly believe that no matter what happens, it always will be. That comforts me.:)
 
Some progress

A really good conversation with the Pidge yesterday. It's nice to see how much we are on the same page. We both agree we don't want drama, and endless stress. We agree we'd both rather pull the plug on the whole thing if it seems to be heading that direction. We both agree that we can't predict the emotional tone of the relationships we will each have with Toilet Seat Guy until we start spending time with him. Pidgie seems to seriously doubt that she and Toilet Seat Guy could ever fall in love, and I keep trying to get her to keep an open mind. She is utterly lovable, and there's no reason to think he couldn't adore her just as much as I do. Whether or not she would allow herself to fall in love with a man is another question, and one I certainly can't answer for her. For me, it's not really a question of falling in love, I am already in love with Pidge. iI's more about having that masculine energy back in my life, and in our bed. I don't need to fall in love, a good solid friendship with benefits would suit me just fine. Still, we can't predict.
We keep trying to remain very aware that how Toilet Seat Guy feels, what he wants, what he needs, is as important as what we want and need. At times it seems we aremaking better progress identifying what we *don't* want than what we do.
Any way you look at it, I really feel reassured by how much she and I agree on. I really just hope T.S.G. likes gardening.:D
 
Fits & Starts, Snits & Farts



In the course of the conversations The Pidge and I had recently, I found myself thinking a lot about how we got to where we are now. It turned out that a lot of the things I had seen as negative at the time were actually mixed blessings.

The Pidge and I met in March of 2010. I was living with MD Guy, in a non-sexual relationship of 7 years that met his needs for a home health aide, but ignored my needs to be in a physical relationship with someone. Pidgie was in year 10 of her domestic partnership with the Banshee. The Banshee considered herself free to have sex with anything that moved (and a few things that didn't, I *still* wonder about that dead possum she dragged home) and the Pidge was living a celibate life, afraid of whatever germs the Banshee might be coated in.

Pidge and I fell fast and hard for each other, and to say it wigged me out was an understatement. I had never had a relationship with a woman before, and I was lost in typical "Am I gay? Am I straight?" brainloops without a soul on the planet I could talk to about any of it. While the Pidge had the green light from the Banshee to see other women in theory, The Banshee never missed an opportunity to remind Pidgie that it would always and only be bad sex, because the Pidge was unlovable, and lousy in bed to boot. Not to mention that if the Banshee saw anything she didn't like, she'd find a way to take their house, and leave the Pidge homeless, and alone. Ah....what a nurturing person the Banshee is.:mad:

New Years of 2010 arrived, and I found out that the Pidge had been talking to another woman online, and had in fact met up with her a few months before. The whole thing was confusing, and still is. I have had to come to terms with not knowing for sure what the true extent of that was, what the Pidge's intentions were, what really happened. I know the Pidge lied to me, and continued to try to hold that lie together until I threw the evidence in her face. I know she says one thing happened, the evidence would appear to say something else happened, but I can never be sure. All I could be sure of was that I had been lied to,and had my trust betrayed.
 
One step forward onto the banana peel

Looking back, I think the Pidgie said and did everything she could to try to help me get over the lies. It was a lot of old baggage I was toting around, having been lied to and cheated on in the past. It was also the realization that as close as I thought we were, she was so able to deceive me. I wouldn't have thought that was possible, but since it clearly was, I had to face the fact that if she chose to lie to me again, I'd probably not see through it the next time either. I'd had enough of being in relationships where the primary focus was playing a private dectective to know what was happening in my own life, and I wasn't able to face doing it again.

We spent the next 9 months dealing with my lack of trust. Finally, after I was literally starting to die from kidney problems, I moved out of MD Guy's house and moved in with the Pidge. She had finally managed to move the Banshee out, and her divorce was in the final stages. It was a pretty awful time. My daughter had a miscarriage, I was recovering from 2 kidney surgeries, the Banshee was up to every nasty trick she could think of to punish the Pidge for having divorced her...I just couldn't cope with my own suspicions and doubts and told the Pidge that since I couldn't stop her from seeing other people, the only option I saw was to open up the relationship. That way, if she chose to date other people, whatever it was, it wouldn't be cheating, and she'd have no reason to lie. I told her that we were both free to see other people. She was sad, but agreed, and told me again she didn't intend to date anyone else.

Looking back, I can see it wasn't a choice we made together, to move forward into an open relationship to make ourselves happier. It was my choice, made only to get that sense of impending doom to stop hanging over my head. I just couldn't face another revelation of lies, and I couldn't stop loving her. At the time, it seemed like a very unhappy truth on top of our already massive pile of unhappy things. It was also a choice I had never made in a relationship before.
Although I had always outwardly stated that I wanted to be monogomous, the fact was that when I was unhappy I either set about looking for a new person to replace the old, or I tried to micromanage and control my partner in order to keep them from finding someone new. Looking back, I can see that it truly never crossed my mind to try to fix problems by being open and honest. that's just sad and wrong.:confused:
 
18 months in hell

Then in the fall of 2011 the Pidge started to get very very sick. We spent the next 3 months fighting with doctors to try and get a diagnosis. She was wasting away in front of me, slowly starving to death, and in constant pain. Nothing else really mattered as much as keeping her alive. All of our relationship issues went to the back burner. Finally, they took her gall bladder out and we hoped things would improve. And for a while, they did. She gained weight, was able to eat regularly, and although we still related more as best friends than lovers, things were outwardly getting better.

Then in August of 2012, her health took another nose dive. Again, I watched her starve, and fought with doctors about what was wrong. Finally, out of desperation, I started trying to devise a plan to save her life without doctors. I prepared all of her meals, determined what she could tolerate, read everything I could get my hands on about motility disorders, and joined online forums for people with the same symptoms. We found a drug, not prescribed in the US (Die, F.D.A, bastards!!!) and started ordering meds for her from New Zealand.
We tried herbal remedies, over the counter combinations, anything we could think of. The doctors ordered useless test after useless test, tried to imply all of it was in her head even with the proof that she had lost over 30% of her total body weight in just 4 months.

Slowly, we discovered what worked for ourselves. We patched together a plan that works, and now she is heading into a remission of her gastroparesis/CIP. None of her doctors except one sanction what we have done, but the prooF is there in that she can eat again, she has stopped losing weight, she can do her job, and she actually feels good part of the time. By this time, we've been in best friend/health aide mode for 18 months. Our romantic relationship is functionally gone. We still love each other, but we sleep in separate beds, we don't have sex, we don't go on dates, we don't flirt.

About 2 weeks ago, I had to admit to myself that this relationship has changed so fundamentally that it no longer fits any definition I know of for lovers. I spent 7 years nursing MD Guy, trying to pretend that sexless, passionless relationships based on friendship and support were the same as love affairs. Having to face that they aren't, and that not once but twice in a row I have gone from lover to health aide just about burst my brain. I still have no ideas what conclusions to draw from that.:confused:
 
Up to date

So that pretty much brings this blog into current time. In the next couple of months, I'll be moving two hours away to our little farm. The Pidge has let my daughter and son-in-law become her housemates, so she'll have people here who love and support her health challenges. I finally broke silence and told her that our relationship has changed so fundamentally that it's time to look at other options. She was able to hear that, and didn't fall down dead. (This fear sounds ridiculous, but in light of how hard I have fought to keep her alive, it doesn't feel that way).
A couple of days ago, while trying to make sense out of all of this, I asked myself a question that had never crossed my mind before...What if all these years of having relationships not work were problematical because I was not a heterosexual monogomist? If I am a bisexual polyamorist then no wonder things never fit. Maybe it was more than a square peg and a round hole. Maybe it was a rainbow colored, triangular peg trying to squeeze through the eye of a needle. A very very dense peg, at that.:)
 
A bright light

Recently on another thread, in response to my comment about the seemingly somewhat negative tone of the average post, Autumnal Tone wrote:

(Quote)
"And the folks who have years of happiness where it doesn't fall apart--you think they're going to be posting about all of their non-dramatic continuation in their relationships? Would anybody want to read a post that says, essentially "Still together, yup"?"(End quote)

I responded that yes, I thought some people might like to hear about something implying a happy ending was possible. While reading Phy's blog today I came across some interesting other remarks which suggest to me that I am not alone in finding good news and normalcy reassuring.

JaneQSmythe wrote to Phy:
(Quote)
"From my perspective, please keep posting! People tend to post here when they have problems. Being able to point to "successful" poly relationships I think has beneficial effects and is encouraging to those who are just starting out." (End quote)

rory wrote to Phy:
(Quote)
"I think there are way too few examples here of stable, drama-free poly living. I don't know what exists in the 'real world', but the relationship corner is full of stories one more horrifying than next (though not all posts over there are like that), and I feel this forum gives quite a disproportional picture of what poly must be like. I think it must be healthy to have at least some members writing who are making it work without huge amounts of drama. Even if that means that we don't often feel there's much poly related to post since it's just life." (End quote)

I hope it is acceptable to quote from other member's comments from someone else's blog. I saw nothing clearly forbidding it, but apologize if it was out of line.

I think there is an element of learning what *not* to do in reading some of the crash and burn threads here, and that has value. I also believe that for those of us who want the minimum amount of drama in our lives, these success stories can give us hope that our dreams can possibly come true. Thank you to the members quoted above, and to Phy, for shining a positive light out there for this newbie.:)
 
Everyone needs positive reinforcement and that DOES often come from hearing/seeing or reading other people's happy stories.

But, Autumn is right, most people who are happy-are busy enjoying their happy lives. Whereas, the people who are online desperately seeking-are the ones who aren't happy.
Thus-you end up with the majority of posts being made by people struggling through some issue or another.

THAT SAID-I wanted to say a few things to you. :)

1st-I'm enjoying reading your blog. It's funny and sincere at one time and I appreciate that.

2nd-in the midst of what feels terribly like crisis-we are living life and sometimes "crisis" is just a lesson we are learning.

3rd- About happy endings. ;)

I met GG (my boyfriend) 20 years ago this coming April. We have been lovers, friends, sexually intimate, not sexually intimate-the whole spectrum over that time (ok-except exes-we've never been exes).
The piece that remained constant was that we love one another, that we care about and care for each other, that we are committed to being there for each other.
But-in what form? That has changed so many times over the years! None of those changes was a "bad" thing. In each case, it was a matter of life circumstance and our personal needs.
I think our story IS a happy ending. In fact, it's a happy beginning, happy succession of time and a happy ending-though of course with the end of each day, moment, experience, we are already beginning a new one-so we haven't ended really.

If you read through my blog on here, you will mostly read about the ups and downs my husband (Maca) and I have struggled through. You won't see a lot about GG and I-not because it didn't matter-but because it gets so repetitive. :)
We're happy. We love each other. We wish there were more hours in the day. Sometimes we get mad or hurt or sad or lonely-but we always find our way through the darkness together.

Though the rocky spots have been much more..... wild? with Maca-I could say the same is true for he and I. We met 25 years ago. We started dating 15 years ago and we married in July of 1999. We've been through hell-with GG right in the midst of it all. But, the key word isn't hell, the key word is THROUGH. ;)
You see, we made it through. I imagine there will be more hell to get through before its all said and done. I have no intention of dying yet (though as you noted it could happen that a bus took me out tomorrow).
But we too are a success story. We navigated through an affair, abortion, into polyamory. We're raising children (21, 13 tomorrow, and 5) and enjoying our grandson.

And finally, there is the V which is myself, Maca and GG together as a family with the kids, grandkids and extended family. We too are a success story. We're making progress financially, looking at buying a second home in the next year or two (have to find the one we want). We've cleaned up credit and paid off debt. We've survived several medical crisis with each others support. We've successfully raised and given our daughter in marriage, witnessed the birth of our first grandson, with a second on the way. Tomorrow we will celebrate the 13th birthday of our son. In June we will celebrate the 6th birthday of the daughter we created together (long story written elsewhere).

We've built a family amid the dysfunctional mess our parents raised each of us to be. We've pulled that family through the fires of hell and the ash and debris that were the aftermath of some pretty idiotic choices.
Today-we are living our lives, looking to the future with curiosity and to the past with relief AND more importantly a sense of accomplishment and success.

So, yes, it is a struggle to FIND the success stories. But, they do exist. Don't doubt the existence just because it doesn't appear the minute you type it in a search engine. :)

And-as for the research-it's in process! Many of us are already researching poly. But it will take time to process enough info for it to be functional statistically. ;)

Keep writing, keep living, keep loving, keep learning.
 
Thanks, Loving Radiance

I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read, and for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts.
This kind of feedback is incredibly helpful.:)
 
Square One

Today the Pidge and I had another long, hard talk. I'm not sure there have ever been two people more awkward and floundery when it comes to conversations about feelings and perceptions.
We talked about events from 2010, and it was horrifying to realize that one event we both remember, we saw completely differently at the time, and have seen differently every since. Something I said in frustration some months later
has been hanging over her head like an ominous threat since then. She has been severely curtailing normal human interactions in order to try to reassure me, while I am Captain Oblivious. The list of misperceptions seems endless, and painfully self-destructive, and just so unnecessary for two reasonably intelligent adults.
She thinks she is messing things up, I think she's coping as well with her illness as any person could. She thinks my saying that if our relationship ended, we would still be friends means I want to break up. I think it means I don't want her out of my life. She thinks she's the problem, I think the problem is she never wants to tell me when I've got my head so far up my ass I can see my tonsils.

She is crying so hard she can barely speak, I am cold as ice the whole time. Finally, she just says "If you are in love with me, and want this relationship, why can't you just SAY SO? Sometimes people need to hear the words! All you ever do is ask me how *I* feel, then stop speaking at all." Yeeeech. I'm just an ass. Here, let me kick this puppy, pluck the wings off some butterflies, and pee in a blind man's coffee....then I can finish this blog entry.:(:mad::eek:

Bottom line...When I feel a relationship is in jeopardy, and the outcome is out of my control, I will shut my feelings down. Hard, cold, dead. As I told her, I would rather kill something myself of my own free will than have it taken away from me against my wishes. I will pull my own heart out of my chest and throw it away before I'll let someone else break it again. Pidge is not that way. She is a much warmer, much kinder person than I am. And yet, for a year and a half I have been by her side, caring for her, keeping her alive, and that's not actually an exaggeration. I have demonstrated my love and my committment to her in tangible ways. For whatever twisted reason, I just can't actually speak it in words.

How does this relate to poly relationships? Well, if you could have seen the fear and sadness in her eyes when she asked me if I would be able to open up to a man the way I have never opened up to her again since that steaming pile of bullshit happened in 2010....you'd understand.:(
 
Hey there :)

I have been following your blog as well. Let me tell you that I feel for you with all that medical struggle and health issues. But somehow, I wish there was something I could actively do to improve Lin's health, like you who worked so hard for Pidge. I hope things will continue to get better for you two.

And in regard to this problem that you discovered in retrospection: Lin and I had a similar situation not so long ago. The only difference was, that we immediately talked about it. Checking in with your partner is so important, it avoids those sitautions. Harboring negative feelings never gets you to a place where you will be happy and content. Speaking about everything that doesn't sit well with you is the way to go. I hope you will be able to clear this. Speaking up is something both of you need to bear in mind. I know how hard it is to talk about feelings, I have that crack as well. But I am getting better. And she seems to lack the currage to confront you about all this earlier. That was 2 years in the past already and it still hung over her head. She should have spoken up earlier. I hope that your exposure to poly will help you discover the full set of possibility of this important tool for maintanance that every relationship so desperately needs.

Recently on another thread, in response to my comment about the seemingly somewhat negative tone of the average post, Autumnal Tone wrote:

(Quote)
"And the folks who have years of happiness where it doesn't fall apart--you think they're going to be posting about all of their non-dramatic continuation in their relationships? Would anybody want to read a post that says, essentially "Still together, yup"?"(End quote)


I think there is an element of learning what *not* to do in reading some of the crash and burn threads here, and that has value. I also believe that for those of us who want the minimum amount of drama in our lives, these success stories can give us hope that our dreams can possibly come true. Thank you to the members quoted above, and to Phy, for shining a positive light out there for this newbie.:)

I was questioning the same thing when I got those responses. Does it make sense to tell happy stories when others are so desperate? It does indeed, as there is merit in the negative experiences as well. That's how I delved into it. Reading every negative bit I found to not make those mistakes as well. It worked, mostly.

We have been quite lucky up to now. There is normal relationship stuff going on, but no real negativities in regard to poly. Our overall happiness has taken quite a hit right now, but again, nothing poly related. I hope that this tendency will go on (even though I hope for some happier times right now for sure). Therefore: you are welcome :) I hope the light doesn't cease to shine on. ^.^
 
Thank you, Phy!

Phy,

I so appreciate your taking the time to comment on my blog. I know from reading yours that you really have your hands full right now, and it means a lot that you spoke to me. I know you can relate to watching someone you love so much struggle for their health, and I deeply hope that both Lin and your mother are doing okay right now. I also hope that your desire for a baby comes to a happy resolution for you. You deserve the good things in life.:)

I agree 100% with everything you said. Communication is the life raft that will save Pidge and I, if we can just be smart enough to climb into it. Yesterday I was a bit overwhelmed with the intensity of our conversation, and more than a little horrified by how frightened and sad she had been about our relationship, when on the surface nothing much showed. I can't escape the irony that I was so afraid to upset her by speaking of difficult things, yet it was my silence that was terrifying her.

We agreed yesterday that what is needed is a fresh start for us together, to let go of the hurts of the past, while retaining the lessons there to be learned. We went to a book store after our conversation, in search of non-violent communication method reading, and other books I have heard of here that we thought might help. We've agreed that no matter how difficult honest talks are for both of us, they must and will happen from now on. Scheduling time for talking will now be done, and we will hold each other accountable.

I am glad that we gave ourselves this year to get into a good place together before we tried to involve another person/s in our lives. We both still want that, but as things are now it wouldn't be kind or fair to anyone. Still, we agreed it remains as a longer-term goal for us both.

At the end of the conversation, I told her I thought we just needed to let the past go, it was beating a dead horse. I asked her if we could do that, and she laughed and said "Well, we may need to circle the corpse a few more times, counting flies, but then we'll bury it or cremate it, for sure!" I just love that girl.:D
 
Me too

When I read your post.. ."Bottom line...When I feel a relationship is in jeopardy, and the outcome is out of my control, I will shut my feelings down. Hard, cold, dead. As I told her, I would rather kill something myself of my own free will than have it taken away from me against my wishes. I will pull my own heart out of my chest and throw it away before I'll let someone else break it again."

I had to reply. That is exactly how I am only you put it into words I can never seem to articulate to anyone. I too shut down. Let me be the one to hurt myself, rather than it be from someone that I love so much. I even jump ahead into that ending even if what that person was trying to tell me was not an ending but just a discussion. Because from there....the only obvious ending (in my mind) is an...ending.

I have bee reading your posts and want you to know that I really love your directness and honesty. I am new to being Poly. Not even sure I am....Poly. Just trying to figure it all out. :confused:
 
Hi kclynn

I wanted to say thank you for your response, and your kind words. It would be great to talk with other people who are struggling a bit with the process of getting our skills to grow.:)

I think I need to really look at how unproductive my old patterns are. In terms of dead horses, I don't know if it's worth a huge amount of time to worry about the history behind it. Maybe what would truly help is to become aware of the patterns, recognize them consciously, and have a stategy in place for moving in the direction I need to go, instead of down the same rutted path. I don't want to spin in circles of "Why am I this way?" I just want to stop being this way!:p

That said, the Pidge does say she understands it's just the way I protect myself. I want to get to the point of not feeling so tender that I require that level of protection. The walls that should protect me isolate me, isn't that how it goes?

Anyway, I'm glad you're enoying my crazypants blog. I swear when you dig down to the root of it, you'll find the desire for a poly relationship. Maybe I can console myself by thinking that the experience of two people trying to find the right way to open a relationship has merit, along with the people who write about how it turned out later. Or, I can console myself with pie...:D Pie......
 
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