Redpepper's journey

It's unfortunate that you can't make people aknowlege and respect your relationship. I know that Mono doesn't pretend that you don't exist while he's with them though. Maybe they'll come around and maybe they won't but you still have an awful lot of people who love you just as you are. :D

It was a great visit, but they are pretty sure that I have been brainwashed by a cult LOL! Just so everyone is clear, it wouldn't matter who I was with, they wouldn't be accepted easily because this family is also my ex-wife and daughter's family and the woman is her best friend. Poly just adds to the strain because they have much different values. It's no worse than the way I think about people who swing before I get to know them.

I don't blame them for judging the situation, because I would do the same if I didn't have the experience I do. They are worth my investment and that is not something I say about many people. The sad thing is that they get less of me because they still relate me to my ex-wife and don't want to open up to my other family and new love. Ultimately, I prioritize Redpepper and so they get what I can give when I can give it.
 
If they value you like you value them they will come around eventually.
 
Given time, I think so.

Hm, we shall see. But they really think you have abandoned your child and can't seem to shake that she is the one who has chosen not to talk to you. They think you have replaced your daughter with my son. And without finding out what is really going on, or who I am, they will always think that. They will always judge. How could they not, if they don't know me?

It's like getting to know a metamour. We don't know them and have no right to judge unless we have spent time with them and have gotten to know who they are. There has been no attempt and therefore they have no right to judge.

I know you are not invested in caring about what they think. You don't let it affect you, and for that I am glad. You were like that when my mum accused you of abusing the boy and it proved that you have no guilt for something you did and don't do. I admire you for that and love you for it. You have taught me so much. I love you. :) (there should be a *kiss* emoticon...)
 
It is their loss if they choose to judge instead of getting at the truth :).

If there's no emoticon for kiss I simply type the one from msn messenger-- (K) .
 
(there should be a *kiss* emoticon...)

As the mod, you might have access to add some. It's easy enough. hehehe

Of course, the other way is to use smilie centres.

love-smiley-001.gif
Find a smilie, add the link (remove excess spaces).

Code:
[img]  http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/liebe/love-smiley-001.gif[/ img]
 
I had a wonderful date last night with my wonderful husband, whom I love so much. We went to an IMAX movie (Van Gogh) and then out to a local brewery pub where they play music. We drank. I drank their pumpkin ale. Oh, so damned delicious. I must buy some today, as they run out fast!

We caught up on some stuff going on for each other and rehashed a lot of the same stuff we always do, ie., our connection and the fact that because we have a child and deal with everyday stuff together we don't get to connect as much or as often. I reminded him that our connection is continuous and steady. With my other loves it is in a moment and situational. Its really about the same amount, but different. There was other stuff that we talked about too that relates to PN's health and is not for public consumption. But I got to console him and tell him what is going on for me in my life.

It takes him a long time to open up and get into the moment. I need to be patient and let him come out of his shell. He is very private about his "stuff" :) which is annoying and frustrating at times, but also very endearing. I feel very blessed that he shares with me, as he doesn't with anyone else, on some things.

When we got home we decided to sleep in my bed for the first time. We headed downstairs. (The boy was at his grandmothers.') We opened the door to a steam bath. There on the floor was a whole day's worth of water from the hot water tank. We hadn't been down there all day. We spent three hours cleaning it up. At one point we couldn't figure out why it kept still coming up! We realized, with much horror, that we had been floating on water. The whole floor was lifted. We began tearing up laminate and discovered another inch of water underneath. Sigh.... it was a long night and now the place is a mess. I had no idea where to start, and neither does PN.

Of course, Mono came breezing in this morning, completely unfazed. "Oh yeah. That's nothin. I'll fix it up in no time." He's down there doing stuff now while I get ready to go out with Derby to a girly afternoon of bra sizing and eating treats. :) PN is listening to music and ironing his shirts for the week. Mono is downstairs listening to music too. The boy is playing on his DS with the guinea pig. The sun is shining through the windows. All is good in the world, as of this moment. :)
 
all is good in the world as of this moment. :)
and that's what makes this all worth it...our world being happy & good in the moment. No matter what comes down the road we still have that moment to remember, embrace and enjoy.
 
It makes me smile that you ended that post with "all is good at the moment". I'm not sure how quickly I would get to all is good after a flood. It definitely took me more than a day when it happened to me...and I don't even have a room in the basement!

It was lovely seeing you today as always...the time with you goes too quickly.
 
I swear those water heaters need warning lights or alarms or something on them. You never know there is even a problem until your ankle deep in water:eek:. Just went through this last month, but luckily ours was in our garage and the floor is just concrete, but we did find 2 additional leaking water pipes. You have my sypathies.
 
I know you are not invested in caring what they think and don't let it affect you and for that I am glad. You were like that when my mum accused you of abusing the boy and it proved that you have no guilt for something you did and don't do. I admire you for that and love you for it. You have taught me so much. I love you. :) (there should be a *kiss* emoticon...)

There is no bite to words fueled by misunderstanding. I have found that internal knowledge of my own truths negates the need to defend or retaliate when others inject their perception of truth. I smile and move on, feeling nothing, and holding nothing against them.

I have no issues with being judged based on knowledge or ignorance. Perhaps this is because I am guilty of this, as well.

On the other side of complete loss, I have found something inside me that is everything. I can't describe it, but it is all I truly need. I feel self fulfilled, self contained and self complete. As a result, I feel most capable to love you to the fullest. You helped me find that completeness, Lilo, held my hand while I consolidated new knowledge and cradled me when reality overwhelmed me. Without you, I don't know where I would have ended up. Would I have made it this far? Never so soon, I am sure.

Thanks, Bbay.
 
for all the wrong reasons... to run away, to make tons of cash and come home a basket case, to possibly mean your death...

As much as this poly thing has been hard for you, and has sucked on so many levels I'm glad you are good my love.
 
for all the wrong reasons... to run away, to make tons of cash and come home a basket case, to possibly mean your death...

As much as this poly thing has been hard for you, and has sucked on so many levels I'm glad you are good my love.

Better than good, Lilo :) XO
 
As someone mentioned in the "how are you thread" it is interesting that the tank chose to flood now. The experience was a coming together for PN and I and we are left feeling like we are on the same team. When we were down there last night, side by side, doing our darndest to get to the bottom of it, we were doing it together to save our suite floor, but also because we know it will be Mono's place. We were concerned that it wouldn't be nice for him and that he would have to have a crappy floor. Also that he had just painted there and we didn't want to wreck the paint job he worked so hard to do... it was a group effort. Mono was on the phone with advice and support, and we did it together. It harks for things to come I think :)
 
just for prosterity. cause I like some posts.

PN put this up on his FB status update the other day, "Anyone have any thoughts on the relationship between judging others and trying to control them to get them to do what we think they should do?" Many people wrote in at length about this question and their answer to it. PN has a way of getting people to open up, the likes I've never seen. It made me realize something. In regards to that and the reaction I have been getting from my NS boyfriend about the Halloween party I might be going to, that my swinger friend is putting on.

It seems that some people see judgment as a way to attempt to control others. Whereas, I judge out of concern for others, because I compare their experience with my own. This misunderstanding of the way I judge has meant that my NSBF is surprised that I want to go to such a party, because there might be people in states of being half naked and flirting with others. He is surprised, because I might be offended, and have reacted strongly to swinging in the past because of my own hang-ups.

Why would I object? I don't think I have objected out of trying to control or out of judgment, for no reason. I have been concerned and don't know why, so I discovered why and then dealt with it and I now feel far more healthy around the whole issue of sport sex. I just don't want to participate and have no need to. My need for thrill seeking and accomplishment in this area is fulfilled.

On PN's FB status update, I got the feeling that people thought that to judge others was because we don't have compassion, and I think that is true. It's hard to have compassion for swingers if you don't know any, or care to. But really, there is another kind of judging and that is in order to help ourselves make sense of our world.

I wrote on his update, "To me, judging is about about expressing concerns and talking about personal opinions. After all, how are we going to figure our shit out if we don't talk about it and judge the actions of others against our own? It's when one sits in their shit and doesn't attempt to get out of it that bothers me. If it takes judging, then so be it. Judging and controlling are completely different to me. I don't judge because I want to control and if people think that, then they don't really know me and perhaps should look at their own stuff around that belief."

and

"I agree with the link to compassion, if we are not to judge, but I still think that isn't the answer to it all. I think one can still be compassionate and have an opinion about someone's actions and it comes off as judging. Sometimes judgment is in the way something is received, rather than how the words were expressed. It's still a really good idea to check and see if what was said was meant to be a judgment as a way of trying to reach compassion, an opinion based on a person's own experiences and therefore concern, or a way to keep sitting in one's shit and not budging. Really, if we didn't openly judge others, then I don't think we would ever understand one another or accept one another. I would take someone who judges me openly over someone who says nothing any day."

Mono, I think that you are trying to figure it all out for yourself and I am so glad that you have chosen to admit that, rather than pretend you don't care and are sitting in your shit about. Sometimes people sit in their shit until you they are uncomfortable and still sit in it and blame their lack of comfort on those that they judge. People seem to create so much negativity by blaming others for how they feel, rather than trying to figure out why they are uncomfortable with others. I'm so glad you don't do that.:)

This is a really great post, RP. There IS a big difference between judging a situation selectively, for one's own benefit or the concern you have for others, and judging out of fear in order to blame or control other people.

I know that many people, myself included, can often lump ANY kind of judgment in with "desire to control or blame". For myself, this is due to past relationships where I *was* blamed and judged quite frequently by my partners. Your post has given me just a bit more clarity on and awareness of this and I wanted to thank you!

As an aside, one of the most beautiful things I've learned from being polyamorous is how each person I am in a relationship with is different from each other person. It may seem obvious, but people tend to get lazy and follow patterns and assumptions from past relationship when in fact they are not applicable to a current relationship. This goes for friendship, as well as partnership.
:) These posts mean a lot to me. That is why I wanted to put them here.

People do tend to get lazy and make assumptions, and it really is a shame. I think we miss out on so much by jumping to conclusions and not checking in with each other in life. I have learned from my job that if I don't understand and find myself thinking something is a certain way, I become rigid. The way to understand is to be open and ask questions, I find. Its hard to do that when you feel threatened and your comfort is threatened, but it is so necessary and helpful in terms of having good relationships and finding a place in the world for me.

I fear I have burned some bridges in my very public struggle with my past sexual experiences being brought into who I am today and who I have become. I fear that some people see me as judgmental and unaccepting and that I now have a name for myself as such. It's a shame, because I see signs of it everywhere and don't know if it's my paranoia or the repercussion of my journey.

This is why I am very pleased that my swinging friend asked me to be an administrator for her Halloween dance. She is hosting it for the sex-positive community in the hopes that somewhat like-minded people can learn from one another and come together at a function that is shared by all-- Halloween. We will mingle and dance together and maybe make new friends. I think it is very inclusive and very brave of her to take it on.

I already find it interesting how her invite has been received. Some poly folk were confused and perhaps offended by the invite as it says it is a party for couples, single women and select single men only. I guess its hard to invite poly "couples." And what does "select single men" mean? It is all very "lifestyle" in her approach, so I had to remind that these are the people she knows and it's the language they use to describe themselves. It isn't ours, but perhaps we need to be patient with that and just take it as it comes and in our stride. Interesting though, that the discussions are starting already, before anyone even goes!

I am so pleased that there are so many poly folks I know going! I think it shows good community spirit and that we have a good foundation to be so open minded. I love us. :D
 
This upcoming burlesque show is doing me in. I'm not feeling on top of my game and it's really stressing me out. I have a costume to make and a routine to practice in two short weeks. Yesterday I got a total of one hour done on the costume after spending far too much time on here! Not on public posting, on mod posting. The amount of work and emotion that this forum is taking up right now is not helping my sense of stability and self esteem. It takes a kick-ass attitude to go on stage and take your clothes off to music and right now I just feel vulnerable and like hiding in my bedroom under the covers with the heating pad on and my favorite music and someone to snuggle with, naked and warm. sigh....
side track.:rolleyes:

November 6th it will be done and I am planning to hide for a bit. I have kept all social events at bay as much as I can to make more time. Time is hard anyway in my life. Surprise surprise. :p

Tonight I'm taking a break and going to Mono's for my usual Tuesday night at the OH. Time is running out on the OH and I am feeling that too. Basking in the sun on his bed will be missed... also the privacy we have there. I am going to do my darnedest to create it at our place, but he is nervous about showing affection and love, even when no one is looking there! Let alone have sex and let himself go... I might just have to do a bit of domming on that one. :cool:

This afternoon I'm going for coffee with a young woman in the community. I'm excited because I love it when people ask me to meet them with their problems and dilemmas. I like being relied upon as a source of help and support in our community. It should be interesting and I hope I am of some help.

I think a lot of the time I am intimidating to people because I do come off as confident and empowered. somewhat domineering. HA! surprised? yet I have a soft heart and am almost never negative and judgmental. I recognize quite freely that if I am, it's because there is something going on for me and not the person. I do my best to get to the bottom of it fast.

I'm almost always the center of a room and have worked hard at sitting back and not being. Sometimes its hard to and I struggle with the fact that sometimes it makes me seem unapproachable. I am a loud mouth, radically honest and like to joke around, what can I say?

Thursday is Mono's birthday. We have our monthly meeting and drinks after to look forward to. Then Friday we are celebrating with my parents! How's that a change from last year, when they weren't even talking to us? PN has a big mushroom foray on Saturday that he is really looking forward to/ I will take the boy and my dad (who is still very sick) to get pumpkins at the pumpkin patch. Mono has a date with a paint brush, I believe, amongst other things. I think he is going to start to move! He has two days off at the end of the week where he is going to do a lot of stuff so he can start moving. We shall see.

I signed up to be a living book at the local university next week. I will be someone that people can call on to talk to about poly, BDSM and sexuality. Should be interesting. I intend to make it from a biography perspective as I don't think I am qualified enough to be a text book on such subjects. I am so looking forward to seeing what comes of it.

Somewhere in there I have to burlesque! AHHHHHH :eek:

Off to have coffee and a chat with my lovely Derby girl.:)
 
So happy to hear you're coming Thursday night (with Mono)!

Just remember that those of us who know you, love you (and your soft, squishy centre inside that loud, domineering and deliciously crunchy exterior, hee hee.. )! :D

-- Gem
 
I am going to do my darnedest to create it at our place, but he is nervous about showing affection and love even when no one is looking there! Let alone have sex and let himself go... I might just have to do a bit of domming on that one. :cool:

:)

I've been around long enough to know that PN will be experiencing some awkwardness, just like me, Lilo. I'm just being hypervigilant about being respectful and making sure we don't repeat mistakes we've seen/read about. That's the beauty of patience I think. Don't worry You'll get lots of lovin. :D
 
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