Need help

aussielover

New member
Ok, so as you know I'm seperating from my ex atm. She is still living here until sat. then she's leaving.
There has been a lot of bad blood as she sees my leaving her for sg & ab, which is NOT the case. Sg told a 'friend' about our situation, as I outlined somewhere else on here, can't remember where. She is nothing but a bitch and has tried to cause problems for us. Recently she contacted my ex, and now they're talking.
This morning I was bad. She left her computer unattended and I snooped. I found msn chat logs between these two and sent a copy to myself.

Upon reading them, I find both of them talking shit about both me and Sg, another friend, and our relationship. There were talks about reporting me to the Australian government, immigration... I am not a threat to the country, but this could cause me problems trying to get there. Hassles more than anything.
Also, I come to read, that she was planning on writing a letter to my parents basically 'outing' me. Now I fully intended on telling them in a few months once things settled down. It's not her place to tell them.... Near the end of the chat log, I read that she has ALREADY called my father and told him. This would have been wednesday, now my parents left thursday morning to go to a family reunion, so i can't get in contact with them. I don't know if she was just saying this to that woman or if it was true, and now I'm freaking out because I'm relying on them to help me get there, and if she's told them, I may be fucked.

I'm afraid to tell her I've found these logs, afraid to confront her because she has been violent in the past, and who knows what other problems she could cause for me.

I dont know what to do! I'm freaking out and I sent the logs to Sg and she's fuming as well... What should I do when I'm afraid for my saftey and my future? I would say try to keep my mouth shut but I need to know if my parents know for sure so I can try to repair any damage she may have done!!

HELP!!!
 
oh, honey, this isn't good but not something that can't be fixed. All you have to do is tell your parents the truth or as much of it as you see fit (I wouldn't lie but do they really have to know the whole truth?). Just explain to them if your ex did say anything that she is just upset with you and trying to find ways to keep you here and tell your parents that she is trying to control you and this is one of the reasons you want out of the relationship with her because she is mentally abusive to you. Don't freak out too bad or she will win. stay calm and use your head.
 
They already KNOW she's been emotionally abusive.
*sigh* I had a bit of a talk with her and told her I had a bad 'feeling' about some things... Like intuition. She swears she hasn't told them anything and would never call immigration on me. She was crying too and she looked sincere, so I don't know what to think now.
I don't know if she was just trying to show off to this bitch or what. *sigh* I guess I'll know for sure when my parents come home. I'm not going to lie to them, but I should be the one to be telling them, not her. *sigh* I dunno.
Thanks for your reply btw Destiny
 
Im fuming..thats an understatement I was shaking so bad. Sitting pretty for the moment. Safest thing For you If we do.
 
What an awful position to be in... and even more awful that she is creating trouble for you. ((hugs)) I think Destiny had some good advice. Good luck and be strong. Don't let her get the better of you.
 
Holy Cow!

Just get away from the psycho. If she's out on Saturday, go stay with a friend, take anything of value you have and put it in your car and go to a hotel if you have to.

I've dated women like this before and you just don't know what is truth, what is just talk, and what they will or won't do. You say she's been emitionally and physically abusive in the past, so just get away now and make this psycho part of your past right now.

Once she's gone, break all contact. Don't give her the time of day. Don't try any retribution to "get back" at her. Nut jobs like that will just view that as you wanting them back in the picture. Ignore them completely.

I'm willing to bet that anything she might tell the Austrailian Immigration beaurocacy will just be swallowed up in the black-hole of beaurocacy. If you really think that she might actually do that, contact them yourself and tell them you are planning to move there on the work study program and a jealous friend has threatened to mess it up. Get your side of the story to them first.

Good luck to you and remember these types thrive on conflict, don't give her any.
 
Unfortunately there is NOWHERE She can go ..which is why she is still living in the same house. Counting down till she will be gopne and She will be safe. This has gotten beyond a joke and Its killing us to be so far away. I feel so fucking helpless.
 
Unfortunately there is NOWHERE She can go ..which is why she is still living in the same house. Counting down till she will be gopne and She will be safe. This has gotten beyond a joke and Its killing us to be so far away. I feel so fucking helpless.

Even a cheap motel would be better than being around this crazy person.

If it's a mater of money, for her, can't you just wire her the few of hundred it would take? being away from this nut job is the only safe thing to do.
 
Unfortunately there is NOWHERE She can go ..which is why she is still living in the same house. Counting down till she will be gopne and She will be safe. This has gotten beyond a joke and Its killing us to be so far away. I feel so fucking helpless.

When there's nowhere else to go, there are always women's shelters. If your safety is at all compromised, I would recommend going to one for the week.

http://www.shelternet.ca/en/women/find-a-shelter/clickable-map/

http://www.housinghelpcentre.org/shelters.asp


One thing for certain, you cannot trust this person or trust anything she tells you. Whether she is lying to you or your friend, she is clearly not telling the truth to somebody, which pretty much invalidates everything she says.

I would recommend cutting off contact as much as you reasonably can given the circumstances. If you must remain in contact, then just stick with the logistics of your situation- the arrangements of moving, what stuff goes where, etc. Don't get into any emotional stuff. Apologies, blaming, denying justifying or anything else having to do with what happened is now irrelevant. Your relationship with her is over. Any emotions you're still dealing with about that are yours to deal with, not to be shared with her, but with your other loves who will support you. And whatever happens between you and your parents has nothing to do with her anymore.

If she is emotionally abusive, she will most likely attempt to maintain control by keeping hold of your emotions. Your emotions are yours, not hers. Feel them, indulge them, deal with them in any space you can that has no attachment to her.

Good luck getting through the week!
 
We had a pretty long chat about things last night, as the power went out, and didn't really have a choice. She's instistant she hasn't told them, which will be easy to prove as soon as they return from their trip I suppose, it's not like she can get away with that lie for long if she is.

Also, she's said from the beginning she wants to remain friends after. For now I'm letting her delude herself into thinking this could happen, and she's said 'if she wants to be friends why would she do something like that'
I'm REALLY hoping she was just saying what this woman wanted to hear. I'm not believing anything she says, but unfortunately there's things that have to be done at the house as she's gone in a week and me in three.

I'm trying to keep my emotions under check and not push her. Things seemed to have calmed down between the two of us since I told her about my 'feelings' of being fucked over. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see. She seemed sincere last night and actually looked hurt that I said those things (although she obviously at the very least thought about them, and put a LOT of thought into them at that).

Ooh, and also, not as serious but still not good none the less, my connection has been dropping out for weeks, and Sg, Ab and me all knew she was doing something. In the logs she says that for fun she was booting me off the connection. Anytime I accused her of it she'd yell *roll eyes*

Also she said some very harsh things about Sg's best friend. Things that would hurt her very deeply and were just not nice at all.

*sigh* I guess at this point I'm just waiting it out and hoping nothing happens. Hoping that she was just saying what this bitch wanted to hear.
 
Good Luck

I hope you are right with what you want to do. This manipulative pyscho will most probably cause some type of scene before she goes. She's loosing what she views as her property, that would be you.

These types of unstable people were taught by their parents to be abusive and they will resort to the same tactics they watch the parents use to control them and the other person (the husband or the wife). They rarely "just go away". You are right to let her think you'll be friends after she leaves. That will let her think she still will jave a chance to control you later.

But my advise is to break all communications as soon as she's out. Let your parents know that she will try to contact them and say hurtful things to get back at you, Be preemptive in dealing with whatever parts of your life she can mess with. change your phone number, change banks, change any habits that she can predict (i.e. going to the gym or other hobbies, etc.).

Whatever she knows about you she will try to use to mess with you and cause you problems.

I had a gf once who was so obsessed, she went to my work and told nasty lies to my workmates that included me being homosexual and using her as a "cover" to keep my high profile job. Don't get me wrong here, I have absolutely nothing against gays and lesbians. I am on occasion bi with the right man, but I work in a profession that is full of close minded old school bigots, nut they pay me extremely well for what I do. So her trying to "out" me and mess up my income was just a tool in her arsenal to cause me pain and issues.

If she couldn't have me, she was going to make sure no one else wanted me. She even followed a girl a met 6 months after we split to her house and threw a wild tirad about how she and i were still together and told this girl to stay away from her husband. We were never married, never engaged, never lived together, and only dated for 6 months.

This went on for over a year after we split up and it became a job, just running around repair the damage she caused me. It only stopped when I got a transfer to another state.

I hope you don't have to deal with this extreme type of crazy, but i recommend being preemptive. Change or insulate everything about or in your life that she knows how to mess with.

But most importantly, cut off all communication as soon as possible. Be sure to change all passwords to all your emails, bank accounts, etc. She will try to snoop in order to get info to use against you and just to cause you problems.

Best of luck to you and may all your dreams come true.
 
That's awful!!

Thankfully she's moving out of the country back to Denver, and I'm moving to Australia. So I wont have the stalker kind of stuff to deal with. That's pretty scary.

As for sg & ab forwarding money, it's not that quick or easy. by the time it got here she'd be gone anyways.

I think things have calmed down a bit.... Although I just heard her screaming at her mother in the other room *roll eyes* Talk about abusive and manipulative... that's exactly where she learned it, you're right, her parents taught her everything she knows in regards to that stuff.
 
Wow. Your ex is horrible. My advice is, unless you feel you're in danger, just sit tight and hold on to the knowledge that she'll be out in less than a week. In less than a month, you'll be with your loves and never have to see her again. This is likely to be the worst part because she knows it's over and she can do nothing about it and will cause you as much misery as possible before she goes. I highly doubt any report to the government by a nutjob will be taken seriously, even if she does dare to do it. As far as your parents, if they know she's abusive you can pretty much tell them anything you want regarding what she may or may not have told them. I'm not suggesting lying, but I'm sure if you told them she's just doing things to hurt you they'd believe you. Let her think you can be friends so she doesn't go full blown psycho. In a few weeks you'll never have to deal with her again. But, if you do think she'll be physically abusive, please get out of there. Do whatever you have to to get away-friend, shelter, even staying in your car-but get away from her. I hope you get through this in one piece, sanity intact. Let us know how it goes.
 
Going along with the "just sit tight" thought, you don't have to sit tight at home all the time. Find your local 24 hour diner or a coffee shop and splurge on a refillable coffee or drink. I'm not saying never be at the house, but if things do start feeling strange or dangerous, make sure you have somewhere in mind you can escape to until this weekend.

Good luck!
 
Thanks for all the support guys.

xyz, I'm pretty good at reading when she's about to be physical after 11 years. I know when to back off and will not push her now as I know it wont take much. I have a coffee shop close by if I REALLY need to escape, and my parents are back in town on thursday.

We haven't fought today, which is good. She was actually severely attacked by one of our cats Sunday night and since then she can't do much with one of her hands, so is somewhat dependant on me... found out today her hand's infected too *roll eyes* so yay... less she can do. But we did get all the running around done that needed to be fairly peacefully today.
 
poor you! Talk about uncomfortable!

It's a shame you read her IM's etc. That was not the right thing to do, but as you have it probably brought stuff to a head that would never have gotten there.

If she knew you would read it then she wouldn't of said it. She was totally saying that stuff to make herself look good in her hurt, disappointment and perhaps embarrassment that you are moving on to a better life rather than sticking it our with her. She is trying to save face essentially.
So let her. What does it matter in the long run?! These things have a way of blowing up in peoples faces when they go on and on about something and the recipient of the "crap" stays calm and quiet.

Sounds like you are doing the best thing.... playing it cool and letting her believe all is good. Placating is a wonderful thing at times!

Give her some nice pets to the ego and wait it out.... you are almost home free sweets! Keep that eye on the prize.
 
The smallest Concern here is that the person she (the ex) has spoken to is Actually HERE. This Person has also threaten to physically harm ME should I see her in a public place. She (the ex) has Also shared Personal conversations between herself and Me with this person to provoke a reaction from her.And lied to me about doing so when asked if she was speaking to this person. This person is a former friend of mine that has taken great pleasure in making MY life a living hell and sticking her nose into things that have NEVER concerned her.

The biggest Concern here atm IS with AL's safety. I do not believe that This Person Would actively seek me out at this stage. But I would not put her past making things as difficult as possible in any way that she could.

Right now We are sitting on it. And yeah It was dishonest to read the IM's. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
 
I'd have to agree with Thirdwheel here and try to distance yourself permanently from this psycho.....you don't need people like that taking up valuable room in your life. Secondly, I have to agree with Ceoli (which I rarely do, lol) and say get to a shelter, if only for a few days til you fly. You don't know if this other person will flip out and do something irrational and violent toward you. Wackos can go wacko at any minute.....It may not be safe. Crimes of passion are crimes for a reason, you know?
 
I'm confused. The ex is in Canada and the psycho is in Australia. They have been chatting on line and are in it together to make it all difficult for you all in different countries. The ex is moving out on Saturday and the psycho could continue to harass you all?

Did I get it right?

The shelter might be the answer or a hostel. Could you take early flight to Vancouver? I know places to stay there and you would certainly be out of there. Besides you could come visit us :) heh... If you want.... No pressure, but at least we aren't psychos (just on line... :p) and when would you get to spend time on the west coast of our pretty country? You could camp even. We have all the gear and it has been hot and gorgeous here for monthes.

Just some thoughts to consider to hopefully put a good spin on it all.
 
Redpepper, I read it to believe the ex IS the psycho, but that the "friend" she was talking to online is in Australia. Either way... an early trip to Vancouver would be fun! ((teehee))
 
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