need advice and help

evelinkfalls

New member
Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and new to the lifestyle of poly. A little about me, my hubby and I have been together for 14 years and just started a sexual relationship with a girl we have known for over a year now about 3 months ago.

My experience with other girls is very limited a couple of intoxicated kisses and a proposition from another friend for a threesome with my hubby which I freaked out feeling pressured by her and not wanting that to be my first experience fast forward to about a year ago hubby and i meet a girl who we are both attracted to and who is both into men and women. A friend introduces us and we become friends hanging out doing family stuff and the occasional flirting then in June of this year things went farther she stayed the night and things happened oral from my hubby on both of us and me to her. There was no penetration sex as he wasn't able said it was a lot of pressure with me there, this happens one more time and then we go on an overnight out of town and we all three have sex which is pretty hot, he doesn't orgasm so next morning I take care of him with her watching. we get back from the trip and she is practically living at our house staying over cuddling every night and sex one more time and maybe it was all the togetherness or stress from the kids she has two and we have two one of hers is a 3 and a half month old so I was helping with the baby and maybe feeling jealous a bit about that after having two miscarriages in Dec. And Jan. but anyway start getting testy with hubbyfeeling jealous over him cuddling with her stupid things.

Anyway we the trupple which is what we call our triad decide to go to my patents house things are fine and then my mom falls in a fire pit my gf pulls her out of the fire my hubby puts the fire out mom is taken hospital we drive after the ambulance gf stays with kids at parents house, mom is stable waiting on another ambulance ride to get to a life flight to uc Davis on ride back to parents hubby says he cant get time off work and has jobs out of town etc. So he can't go to Sacramento with me I want to talk about anything but whats going on so I bring up one on one sex because hubby is not having greatest time performing and its because he says he feels too nervous cuz I'm there I give permission for one on one thinking it will be no different than when I'm there but I also tell him I dont know how I will react when it happens.

On way back to our house to drop off the kids and pack gf says she is going to stay at our
house and take care of things for me i tell her about the convo hubby and I have and tell her since I know she isn't that into girls or at least she identifies as straight even though she had two year lesbian relationship, anyway I tell her I think I am ok with the idea of her and hubby just being together but I'm not sure how i will be when it happens.

We get home I pack to drive 350 miles with hubbies sister to see my mom who is in ICU while hubby and gf stay at home, I tell him i feel like they(he and gf) are high fiving each other because I am leaving he says that is not the case and for me not to worry she says the same so I go. I do ok on the drive but the when I get done at the hospital seeing my mom I lose it feel totally alone out of control and then we me and sis are staying at hubbies ex childhood gfs house which shouldn't bother me but does.

Meanwhile hubby and gf have her sister and brother over which I am livid about how dare either of them have fun while I am in hell. I vent this to hubby who tells me its fine they aren't throwing parties etc. and can her parents come over the next day I say yeah thats fine as he is supposed ti he out of town working that day. Fast forward to the next evening I am totally freaking out want to go home need my husband call him and in the background I hear kids laughing playing in a newly set up pool her parents and sister and brother in law are all over for a BBQ I am livid hubby and i argue until about midnight when he tells me he's tired and wants to go to bed where of course gf is.

About 20 minutes goes by and i have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach so I call my teenage son to ask if his dad is having sex with the gf teenage son says yes I hear her moaning I instantly call hubby and he lies to me off the bat I hit my knees and vomit I hate them both in that moment and feel like he cheated.
He and she both tell me I am being unfair and i gave them permission blah blah blah I cant think I cant feel so after talking to hubby all night I drive tell my dad I cant stay and drive home, now mind you in this period of time my hubby tells me hes in love with two women wants to leave me all kinds if craziness. I get home talk to both of them their sorry they hurt me it just happened blah blah blah he tells me he thought of me the whole time blah blah blah and he loves me and isn't leaving me and i gave him permission and I'm not being fair.

Anyway fast forward a couple weeks she and i have one on one it is horrible she gets hers I give myself my own I am still pissed about them cuz I cant let it go and this doesn't help

anyway the trupple has played a few more times after this but I am having sever anxiety and jealousy issues I cant get over that when I needed my hubby most he was with her, for instance if he's tired and doesn't want to have sex or cuddle with me I get mad because he wasn't to tired to put out to her, he says he's sorry and it was poor timing.

I made the boundary of no one on one till I got my emotions under control but now he is pushing for the one on one he says because he doesn't think there should he rules and i would have one on one if she were more into girls and i am a hypocrite for that. He tells me he loves me and it was just comforting sex and thats all it is between them that and they are friends.

I cant help but feel like an animal backed into a corner because I was just starting to feel ok about the trupple again and US doing the threesome thing once in awhile but now that he is pushing the one on one again I have all these jealousy issues coming back and the hurt and pain again.

How do I get rid of those feelings how do i not get jealous if he rubs her shoulder or cuddles with her while we are in bed when I get those things too. Hubby des try to be fair. I enjoy the sex when we are all together mostly but I dont like that she is a taker and not really a giver at all although she will blow my husband.

I feel like I am losing my mind and I am driving a huge wedge between my husband and i and she is left out of the loop on our fights which may or may not be fair since they are about an action that happened with her but heres the thing I am not mad at her over it just him I feel like he cheated on me and i cant get past it so I guess I am asking how I do that, and should I consent to the one on one(she told him she thinks its a bad idea) or what I just want my marriage back to when i felt secure and i dont know how to get those thoughts and feelings to go away other than to be done with her and the situation entirely. I am so sorry this is so long and maybe shouldn't have its own tread but I need help and advice from people who have been sorta in my shoes.
 
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Can you format your post to include some paragraph breaks? A lot of people here will probably agree its much easier to read when its not a big blob of words.
 
Hi there. Sorry to hear that you're hurting, and I hope your mom is ok!

If there's still time to edit your post, I would suggest going back and adding some paragraph breaks, many people have trouble reading long posts that don't have any breaks and so may not respond. This post maybe also ought to be moved to the Poly Relationships section of the boards -- more people post replies there when folks are seeking advice for specific problems, whereas the life stories section is meant to be more rambling and less feedback-focused. Just a suggestion, again to help you get more replies, the site moderators can help with that or you could just re-post this there.

Ok! All of that said, here's my take. Your husband didn't cheat. Plain and simple. You have to figure out how to get that idea out of your head. You told him that he could go for it and you picked the timing of when you did that, not him. If he has feelings for her, how is it surprising that they followed through? If he wasn't physically where you were, then it's not like he could have supported you more or been there for you more by not sleeping with her, you still would have been exactly as alone. Are you mad at him for not coming with you to the hospital in the first place? It sucks that he panicked and lied, and that he handled his responses so poorly afterwards, saying he wanted to leave, but it sounds like both of you are very jumbled up in your feelings right now.

The main problem that I see here is simply that you all moved way too fast. A lot of people make that mistake. But this is all so new, just a few months, and there's so much to sort out in terms of how you all relate to each other, what you can handle and what you're not ready for, what everyone's feelings are. Having her be practically living with you guys, having her family over to your house, all of that is just way too fast, there's no time for anyone to process and deal with their feelings rationally.

So, my advice, assuming that you want to try to make this work -- dial things back. Get everyone together -- all three of you, because she has a stake in this too -- and explain how bad you've been feeling. Don't engage in any blaming or shaming because none of you have actually done anything wrong (except for him lying, which, again, it seems like he panicked), just own your difficult feelings. Tell them that you want to be able to be ok, but that for that to happen you need some breathing room. Maybe that means that she comes over less... once or twice a week instead of every night. Maybe that means that you all set aside one evening a week where you check in, talk honestly about your feelings. Maybe what needs to happen, if she really is mostly straight, is that she and your husband develop their relationship *slowly* and you and he work on your marriage, but you and she just stay friends and not be "gfs" per se -- a three person relationship where everyone's feelings and interests aren't equal is very difficult to sustain and can build resentments, such as with you noticing she doesn't give to you in bed the way she does to him. But all of these are just ideas. The important thing is that you guys talk it out and slow down.

Like I said above, a lot of people make the mistake you guys have made, underestimating how much works it takes to get involved in poly and how slowly and carefully things may need to occur. I strongly encourage you to do some reading. www.morethantwo.com has great resources on dealing with jealousy and on dating as a couple.

Finally, I've got to say that the part about having your teenage son report on their sexual activity seemed way out of line to me. It's not fair to put your kid in the position of spying on one parent for the other, and it must have been weird for him, listening to then have sex! Try never to put them in the middle, especially about something so personal, it's really unfair.
 
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I just want my marriage back to when i felt secure and i dont know how to get those thoughts and feelings to go away other than to be done with her and the situation entirely.

That would not be dealing with the problem. That would be shooshing it way to not have to deal with it. If you get rid of people? You still are not getting better at CLEAR COMMUNICATION and REPORTING ACCURATE FEELINGS.

This may be Hard to Hear.

But I notice that there are a lot of times where you say things are fine and they really are NOT fine with you. Then you take your feelings out on them later. So you are communicating poorly and giving false information about your emotional state. That is lying.

I know with the hospital stress you are hurting and frazzled. But that's no way to behave to your polypeeps.

  • TELL them you are hurting rather than telling them you are fine and all is NOT really fine.
  • TELL them you need extra care and comforting right now so they can do it.
  • Don't punish them for not mind readering you. Do not push them away. Invite them in.

And sure, you wish you could laugh and BBQ and not be there in hospital things.

But are you really saying you wish for your children and polypeeps to suffer misery and endure suckage? Just so you don't have to be doing it alone?

When you don't HAVE to be doing it alone if you just opened your mouth and told them what kind of care you are needing right now to help you in this tough time?

Why are you afraid to tell them straight up what you need?
Why are you afraid of owning your own feelings?

How do I get rid of those feelings how do i not get jealous if he rubs her shoulder or cuddles with her while we are in bed when I get those things too.

Is that really speaking to attention given you in sexy time?

Or is that speaking to you not getting care for your stress regarding parent in hospital? If you need EXTRA care -- how's he supposed to divine it from the skies? Or her?

If you cannot articulate to your own self what you want or need, how can THEY be expected to divine it?

I'm not trying to be mean to you. I know you hurt. :(

But in your hurt state you are hurting others there by PROJECTING at them and not ARTICULATING at them. Look....

I give DH permission for one on one thinking it will be no different than when I'm there but I also tell him I dont know how I will react when it happens.
I tell her I think I am ok with the idea of her and hubby just being together but I'm not sure how i will be when it happens.

If you are not ready to go there and deal with you unsure in constructive ways why give permission in the first place? You are dealing with it in destructive ways.

And at this time? With a parent in hospital? THAT is the best time to go there to explore murky water feelings to see if you can grow?

By presenting it this way it is like you expect THEM to own your feelings and mind reader your emotional health and well being for you. Like what you really mean when you say it is

"I give you permission but i don't know how I will feel. So if I feel yucky if you do it, and I do not like to feel yucky? I will be yucky to you and you deserve it. So you better not make me feel yucky."

So mixed up. Nobody makes you feel anything. Emotions just bubble up. You feel whatever it is when you feel it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. You do not choose how to feel. You choose how you behave in response to those feelings.

1) WHY did you give the permission?

  • Thinking that it would never happen?
  • Thinking that if you mindreadered them successfully and gave them something you thought they wanted they would return the favor and mind reader YOU and give you something you wanted? What if they guess wrong? And you don't get what you hoped?
  • Were you afraid they'd cheat on you? So it was a preemptive strike? If so, did you deal with the fear?
  • Was it to share in their joy of the developing mini relationship inside the larger polyship? If so, what stops you from enjoying compersion for them?
  • Something else?

Because you did give blessing. If you gave it without meaning it? You lied to your people.

You need to own that and stop beating THEM up for it. You gave false information. Apologize to them for that part of it.

I tell him i feel like they(he and gf) are high fiving each other because I am leaving he says that is not the case and for me not to worry she says the same so I go.


When you left you felt like this before leaving? Here you are PROJECTING your ugh on them when really what you mean is that you REGRET giving the permission.

So why not TAKE IT BACK and say "Wait, I want to talk about it before it happens. With Mom in hospital it is not the best time to change to a new polyship agreement."

Instead you project your resentment at them along with your anger. But that anger belongs on you being angry with yourself for lying. Not on them for going ahead with what they were told BY YOU was ok. If you punish them for that, you are punishing them for you being a liar and for them not being mind readers.

2) When you gave permissions, you stated you were not sure how you would feel. You did not state your expectations of them for helping you deal with your feelings.

  • Has there been a time made to process in trio how you felt (from the FIRST encounter) with them to digest it?

I'm not hearing how they are supporting you through mom's hospital stay. (How are you with that? Are you feeling better? Is mom better? )

Have you asked them for support directly? How?

Since you do not clearly state your other needs I don't think you are stating THIS need -- that you DO need before care and aftercare before they have alone couple time. So you feel like you have connected with both in the mini relationships of

You + DH
You + GF

before they spend time in their mini relationship of (DH + GF)?

Because if you do not get that? The mini relationship of

You <--> (DH + GF)

is going to feel ugh.

TIERS

I am not getting the vibe that you understand all your tiers. The polymath of this poly configuration. Each mini rship has to be well or else it affects the others.

SINGLES
You to yourself (this is different than you to yourself as a foot loose single)
DH to DH
GF to GF

DOUBLES
You --> DH ( do you go to him well with your stuff?)
You --> GF

DH --> You (does he come to your well with his stuff)
DH --> GF

GF --> You
GF -->DH

TRIPLES

You <--> (DH + GF) (I'm saving space typing so the arrow for info flows both ways

DH <--> (You + GF)

GF <--> (You + DH) (Note this is different than when it was just You + DH. Now how you behave as a duo has to take her into consideration. She is alive, she is here, she has feelings. )

You + DH + GF working as a team together

GHOST LAYER

How you choose to be when you break up. Are you parting as friends? Enemies? What? Because all relationship end at some point. Not talking about how you want it to end so it ends well is avoidy. The trio must talk about this to avoid feeling all "Ack! They will leave me in the lurch and leave me badly!" type feelings.

Each mini rship inside the larger polyship needs TLC. Has it been given it? I don't think so. Figure out which one is needing some TLC and get it some.

Hope that helps you to sort our your feelings and in which tier the problem is. Perhaps parking each puzzle piece in the right tier would help give clues to possible solutions, who is responsible for what, etc.

Talk to them. Perhaps they can help you to sort. But everyone has to own a piece of the elephant. Even you. (Another thread where I wrote about breaking down the elephant problems in a polyship. In case it helps.)

HTH!
GG​
 
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Thank you for the advice.
My mom was in the ICU for 30 days with burns over 23% of her body she is home now and doing better and will hopefully be fully healed in 18 months. Full function of her hands maybe never.

Yes I realize now that then was not the right time to make that decision. And I made it in part because I thought my husband would do it anyway even though he's never cheated on me, and because i thought it would help with his performance issues, which he was starting to be weird about and thirdly yes in the back of my mind and in my heart I never saw him going through with it, I always thought i was enough.

Anytime we have had play time there has been no time for me to regroup with my husband and when ive asked for a regrouping there either isn't time, hes tired or I should just know he loves me. The truth is I need that one on one time with him to know that and i am angry he doesn't give it to me. I am also angry at me because maybe I should just know he loves me. I used to know this.

As far as her being straight or identifing as straight I am ok with that she does everything but oral so I dont know how straight that is its just she is a taker and really not much of a giver to either of us except for to him but this isn't a deal breaker for me as I enjoy being a giver. However this brings up its own set of issues within myself because I never saw myself as a giver especially in a woman on woman scenario so i am wondering what that means for me am I straight, gay somewhere in between.

Gf says she loves us both and has told hubby the 1 on 1 is not a good idea that she and I are both happy with how things are they are hot and exciting and comfortable. He is pushing for the 1 on 1 because he feels his window of opportunity is quickly closing. As she will eventually have a bf and our relationship will end and we will go back to being just friends. Although I am not sure how that will work since we are all very physically attracted to one another but we will see.

And as far as one of them being there with me while my mom was in hospital I asked hubby to take time off he wouldn't because he said he couldn't which is a lie he is an independent contractor he didn't want to go with me he says because he couldn't handle seeing my mom there and it reminded him of his mom who died when he was a kid she had breast cancer, this I believe because he broke down at the transport hospital we were first at. Gf said she couldn't go because of her 2 kids who are 3 and 3 months.

I really didn't want them to be feeling yucky with me at that point in time I just wanted someone anyone to be there to hold me while I broke down and I was alone. While they had each other.
I have always had my husband there to confide in but he was more caught up in his relationship with her or his own feelings than worrying about me because and i quote " my mom was going to live she maybe fucked up but at least shes alive" so yeah sorry I'm pissed at him and his selfishness. Like I said I am not mad at gf I am not her responsibility however my husband made a commitment to me to be there and when I needed him most he wasn't so how do I control those feelings of abandonment from the one person who swore they would always be there? I am to own my own feelings but how do i own something that wasn't entirely caused by me? Do i just say he really didn't mean to let me down it just happens? Why was getting a piece of ass more important than holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok. And while he says it was just comfort sex and didn't mean anything it had to have ment something in order to even do it at such a time but i am to blame for that so i cant be mad at anyone for that but me.

Now however I have clearly told him I am not ready for 1 on 1 between them and yet he is pushing for this so do i stick to my ground and say no I am just not ready or do i just go ahead and let him do what he wants because he should be happy?

This poly stuff is so complicated why cant it just be simple we get some together and hes happy about that instead if being a greedy little piggy and wanting more and more and more that I just am not comfortable with yet? Grrrrrrrrr.

Also is it normal for a couple to go from having sex at least once a day (more for him) to maybe 2 or 3 times a week when they are doing this triad thing? Part of it has been that she is always or was always here so I wouldnt feel comfortable just dragging him off to the bedroom or initiating anything when she was in he'd with us as she is more of a cuddler.

Sorry I know there is some venting in here but it helps to write it out and then look at it or other people look at it and point things out.
 
Hmm, well, I I am actually feeling much less sympathetic towards your husband now.

On the one hand, this -- "Why was getting a piece of ass more important than holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok." -- is still unfair. You said above that he didn't want to go with you because he couldn't handle it emotionally because of his mom, and you said you believed that. You could be angry at him for not trying harder to overcome his sadness about his moms to support you, but if you really do think that's what his decision was about then he didn't stay just in order to get a piece of ass and making it about that is unfair.

On the other hand, it sounds like he's being very, very insensitive. I also I think he may be lying, on an emotional level. Look at it this way... either A) he was lying when he said he was in love with two women (why would he lie about that?) and he really is just after a "piece of strange"... in which case it's pretty callous of him to be pushing you so hard when you're having so much trouble, or B) he was telling the truth when he said he's in love with more than one woman, and that's why he's pushing so hard for this now because it really does matter to him. Chances are good he's confused himself. But I thank you may need to confront him with these two scenarios and find out for real which it is. If he *does* have feelings for her and is lying about it, which I think is more likely, chances are good he won't come clean if he thinks that doing so will break your heart. So... *would* it beak your heart, would you be furious with him, if it turns out he loves her? If not, you have to help him believe that. If so, you have to be honest about that but tell him that you need the truth anyway, because being lied to would be worse, and even if he tells you something you don't want to hear you will respect him for it and deal. That's one approach, anyway.

It's also really messed up that he won't give you the post-threesome one-on-one reassurance that you're asking for. It doesn't need to make sense to him, even though I think it makes perfect sense for the record, he can just accept that you need it and your needs are important. What will it hurt him to help you with this???

Bottom line, all the other questions and complications in this situation aside, he REALLY needs to work on his empathy to be a better partner for you. It's like they say, poly really shows you the things that need strengthening in any relationship.
 
Hang in there with mom. So stressfull! :(

Anytime we have had play time there has been no time for me to regroup with my husband and when ive asked for a regrouping there either isn't time, hes tired or I should just know he loves me.

You need the after care. Ask it of him. You MAKE the time. Skip the next threesome time to have DUO time then.

Love is a living thing. Neglect kills it. He is neglecting you.

Add that GF sounds like a "pillow princess" where everyone else does all the work -- you aren't sounding like you get all your needs met there in sexy time either.

So a lot of your needs are going on the back burner. Of course you feel blah. *hug*

And as far as one of them being there with me while my mom was in hospital I asked hubby to take time off he wouldn't because he said he couldn't which is a lie he is an independent contractor he didn't want to go with me he says because he couldn't handle seeing my mom there and it reminded him of his mom who died when he was a kid she had breast cancer, this I believe because he broke down at the transport hospital we were first at.

Well, you can choose to be mad. Or you can choose to try to work around his hospital / death phobia thing. Can he be with you by cel phone when you have to go again? Will he come as far as the hospital cafeteria or the restaurant down the street even if the hospital wigs him out? Ask him where his comfort line is and work something out.

Gf says she loves us both and has told hubby the 1 on 1 is not a good idea that she and I are both happy with how things are they are hot and exciting and comfortable. He is pushing for the 1 on 1 because he feels his window of opportunity is quickly closing. As she will eventually have a bf and our relationship will end and we will go back to being just friends.

He sounds drunk on NRE. It will pass. Tell him to get himself into balance -- it's fine to be all lalala clouds with the GF since things for them just changed with the 1 on 1, but he has to tend to you too. Like giving you 1 on 1 time to reconnect!

Why was getting a piece of ass more important than holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok. And while he says it was just comfort sex and didn't mean anything it had to have ment something in order to even do it at such a time but i am to blame for that so i cant be mad at anyone for that but me.

Well, a lot of times after a death people make love just to feel not dead. To feel alive. I'm sure it is same with big illness. He has a phobia. AND you gave clearance so it is what it is. I'm not saying it's fun to feel or the best way for him to behave, but it is what it is.

You could choose to let this go and move past blame. You could choose to focus on getting YOUR needs get met NOW.

the need to reconnect with him
the need to feel close to him
the need for him to behave in loving ways toward you.

OWN that you misjudged that whole thing -- giving clearance at not a great time. How can you make amends to him?

But ask him for an apology for HIS part in the mess -- NOT tending to you when you are clearly hurting with your mom in hospital. How will he make amends to you?

This was not sensitive at ALL in how it was expressed.
" my mom was going to live she maybe fucked up but at least shes alive"

If he meant it like "I am glad she isn't dead. Things are going to be tough but I am so glad she is not dead" he could work on his phrasing!

Talk to him. Get back into right relationship.

Maybe print the thread and have him read it?

GG
 
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I am feeling compelled to add that it was entirely out of line to ask your teenage son if they were having sex. As a child who was subjected to her parents sex lives in way more detail than any child should ever be, I speak to you from experience when I say this is creepy and damaging.
 
Also is it normal for a couple to go from having sex at least once a day (more for him) to maybe 2 or 3 times a week when they are doing this triad thing? Part of it has been that she is always or was always here so I wouldnt feel comfortable just dragging him off to the bedroom or initiating anything when she was in he'd with us as she is more of a cuddler.

If he is a married/co habitating person, and his partner does not want her there all the time.. SHE SHOULD NOT BE THERE ALL THE TIME. Unless you want her there all the time? If you don't - make a schedule - really, if this were a platonic friend of your husband's, would you let them cock block you a few days a week? If the answer is yes, you should get yourself to some counseling ASAP. Set the precedent now for what you want and need - or you could find months of unhappiness turning into years if you can't speak up clearly for what you want.

And I wouldn't consider it a triad at all unless she is romantically interested in you, which it doesn't sound like she is. In a V, I wouldn't invite the other arm to spend so much time with us unless she was a BFF, my husband can go hang out at her place if he wants her company more than I do.
 
I would like to say that yes I know asking my son was wrong however his room is right next door to ours and well gf isn't exactly quiet so I wasn't having him press his ear to the wall or door he couldn't sleep because of the noise so not really sure where to go with that other than to say I was sorta peved about that as well. And angry that I even asked him.
 
Your bi partner

My ex girlfriend and I had a girlfriend that used to come over for sex with us, my girl was more sexually dominant with her, however I had no problem letting them play while I watched a ball game, I thought we had everything we needed to be happy till one day my girl was almost in tears and unhappy, when I asked why, it seamed our girlfriend was not only submissive to both of us but she was what you call "passive", she enjoyed all the attention and being sexually dominated and eaten by my girlfriend, but she wouldent return the favor to her, and this drove my girlfriend nuts, it seemed so unfare and selfish, because she had no problem going down on me, but thats the way some females are.

I suspect your girlfriend is the same way, all this unhappyness and accusations with your hubby would go away if your girlfriend would go down on you, you would be very happy and wouldent care about their 1 on 1.
Dont laugh, but we even tried some BDSM and whipped her ass & cunt and punished her breast to force her to go down on her, but she said she couldent.
we ended up letting her know that she needs to find another or others to service her because of her reluctance to orally service my girl was hurting her even though otherwise we were happy together, but even with the possibility of losing two good friends that gave her an excellent sexual servicing she still would not give oral service to my girl, and my girl had such a smooth plump delicious tasty cunt that was so orgasmic and fun to work on. We let her go! within a month found a younger skinny girl that became so orraly obsesed my girl would be up against the wall in the hallway,she would be on her knees, giving oral service to my girl the min the door was closed, so erotic to watch them, seeing the satisfaction in my girls smile was awsome, especially after she cum all over the girls face, little things like this mean a lot.
So if its not happening with her, dont feel obligated, save your relationship, just tell her "your fired". hope nobody got wet reading this!
 
Cunny,

Where have you been? we haven't heard from you in a while.

"Dont laugh, but we even tried some BDSM and whipped her ass & cunt and punished her breast to force her to go down on her, but she said she couldent."

Don't LAUGH...really....that all I've been doing :D

Maybe you didn't punish enough or correctly ....more training was needed. Firing someone for a preference doesn't sound too kind or loving?



I think you need a blog to let out some of these fantasies... go into more detail on the fine art of breast punishment ....mouse traps I bet :eek:


As I said once before every problem or thread doesn't have an erotic fantasy solution:(..... Remember penthouse forum ...basement :D
 
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I think you need a blog to let out some of these fantasies... go into more detail on the fine art of breast punishment ....mouse traps I bet :eek:


As I said once before every problem or thread doesn't have an erotic fantasy solution:(..... Remember penthouse forum ...basement :D

This. ^^

I wish Cunny would take it somewhere else too. It seems like his solution to everyone's problems is "Find women who want to eat each others' pussies always, no matter what, under any circumstances."

Go find some good amateur porn or something. It's out there.
 
Wow that is some advice, umm I haven't really thought about the whole her going down on me thing I have but I haven't .

I think I would like this of course I mean who wouldn't. But i am ok if it takes her time to reciprocate that. I've only done it twice and am not really sure it is for me maybe though I mean I never thought I would do that anyway so surprise.

After speaking to both gf and hubby I just needed to be reassured. I needed to know he still loved me and that she loved me too and isn't interested in doing a 1 on 1 with him she also apologized for not being there and hurting my feelers. Hubby has agreed to back things up to where I'm comfortable. I understand now after actually communicating with him he has friends feelings for her and a fantasy of it would be cool if he were able to be with her then tell me about it, I dont find this to be a turn on sorry I'd like to and maybe one day I will but she and I both feel girl on girl way hotter and way hotter to talk about to hubby so, right now I think things are mending I feel calmer about the situation than I have in weeks and am starting to be able to let some of my hurt go.
I really needed to stop being mad at myself also for not listening to hubby when he was trying to tell me to take things slower we both moved very fast so now we have backed up and are sorta starting over, with good communication between the three of us not just me to her or me to my hubby or her to my hubby.

I need to trust that neither of them is trying to hurt me and thats a scary thing to have to trust not just one person but two.

I think it has also helped me tremendously to know how she feels towards me, its nice to hear you are loved.

So we will just go from here that is all we can do, and try for better more honest communication on all sides.
 
update to the craziness

So it's been a few months since I was on here and I must say things went downhill very quickly.
So after we all sat down and talked about what we wanted out of the relationship and what our relationship was and that it was exclusive. Gf did a complete 180 and ended up not talking to either of us and having casual unprotected sex with a few different people. Absolutely a deal breaker. Then apparently she had been telling her friends she was going to take hubby for herself and that they had been screwing around behind my back and her new baby could be his and she was hoping she was cuz then I would be out of the picture. All of which I know was not true or possible on hubbys part. I have no doubts she was saying things just what remains a mystery but hubby and I have a pretty good idea.
Anyway so after a couple of months of not speaking to one another gf and I buried the hatchet so to speak. Things are weird. Like she is trying to get her gf status back and its hard to not fall back into how things were.
How do we handle this situation? Hubby and I are not interested in anymore drama or lies being told and we are not interested in a second or a serious gf relationship at this point. We went through alot to make room for her in our marriage I went through hell being ok with things and then it was just thrown away and walked all over. I also feel like now she is husband chasing and not in a I'm happy to share way. I would be lying if I said I didnt miss the physical connection we all had.
That being said though I can't get past how disposable she made not just my friendship but also my family and marriage.
Is it wrong of us to shut her out sexually and keep her at arms length. She has stayed over a couple of times the first time we ( hubby,myself and gf) talked and cuddled and slept nothing else the next time hubby didn't want to sleep with us, he doesn't want to lead her on in anyway. She got agitated that he wouldn't come to bed and then ended up by leaving early morning without saying bye or anything.
Is it best to at this point to keep her out of our bed in anyway or how do we handle this? We like her and don't want to lose the kids but we are just at a loss on things should be
 
I don't understand. If something is a dealbreaker, it means if the other person does it, you don't date them anymore. period. end of sexual relationship. it means you can't be involved with them anymore for your OWN sanity.

Usually in this case most people wouldn't even want to be friends with somebody who lied or was disrespectful like that, or risked your life by having unprotected sex with other people. I really can't see why you'd be having her sleep over or even giving her the time of day.

I'm confused about why you need other people to tell you that keeping her in your life is a really questionable decision, but I'm going to guess that is what 99% of all people in the known universe would say.
 
Yes, if someone ignores you, breaks the boundaries that you jointly set, and then spreads disrespectful lies about you, you shouldn't sleep with them. Or even be friends with them. How does this not go without saying?
 
I think your lingering romantic feelings for her could be clouding your judgement here. :(

You miss her. I get that. But here's your current goals and behaviors you list in your post. Could examine it through the lens of "What behavior am I choosing that supports my goal? What behavior does not?"

CURRENT GOALS:

  • We buried the hatchet, made peace, like her and the kids and want to be friendly.
  • Hubby and I are not interested in anymore drama or lies being told.
  • We are not interested in a second or a serious gf relationship at this point.
  • We want to shut her out sexually and keep her at arms length.

BEHAVIORS:

  • You invite the ex-gf for a sleepovers. (caution ahead!)
    • If in guest room or couch? (Great. Friend zone. Supports arm's length. Supports less drama.)
    • In your bed?. (This is not friend zone behavior. Could lead to drama.Not honest with yourself or her if goals is friend only. )
  • DH opts out of the next cuddle sleepover not wanting to lead her on. (Support less drama, supports arm distance.)
  • Ex-Gf gets upset and leaves. This is you and DH protecting yourselves from drama and misunderstandings HOW? Have you...
    • Communicated your boundaries and goals to the exGF clearly and honestly? (Did you set her up with mixed message or was that her own faulty expectation alone?)
    • Is she honoring your boundaries/goals even after being told them? (Can't control her behavior, CAN control hanging around with her)
    • Are YOU honoring your own boundaries/goals? (Could control your own behavior.)

If she is not looking out for her own best healths by not accepting mixed messages from you and asking you to clarify first -- that's on her.

But you and DH do not seem to be choosing behavior consistent with your goals all the time here. That is on YOU two.

Everyone has to hold their own baggage. Inviting ex-gf now friend into bed is giving her mixed message. You are giving YOU mixed messages like that and not giving you the environment you need to stop missing her as a GF and open yourself to her as a friend only.

  • You could apologize to her for giving mixed messages and clarify that you want to be only friends and keep it in the friend zone. Could ask her to call you into account if you move out of the friend zone unaware. Could do same for her.
  • You could consistently choose behavior (in words and actions) that helps move you forward toward your goals instead.

If the goal has changed (ex: "get back together with my ex") that's another story and you could have to re-evaluate.

But if those are the goal? The bottom line?

You could maintain good boundaries, could not send mixed messages, could keep your own behavior in the friend zone, could call her into account if she does not keep her expectations/behavior in the friend zone and you could not invite her into your bed at all.

Cuddles or casual sex -- you don't do that with friend only people.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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So it's been a few months since I was on here and I must say things went downhill very quickly.
So after we all sat down and talked about what we wanted out of the relationship and what our relationship was and that it was exclusive. Gf did a complete 180 and ended up not talking to either of us and having casual unprotected sex with a few different people. Absolutely a deal breaker. Then apparently she had been telling her friends she was going to take hubby for herself and that they had been screwing around behind my back and her new baby could be his and she was hoping she was cuz then I would be out of the picture. All of which I know was not true or possible on hubbys part. I have no doubts she was saying things just what remains a mystery but hubby and I have a pretty good idea.
Anyway so after a couple of months of not speaking to one another gf and I buried the hatchet so to speak. Things are weird. Like she is trying to get her gf status back and its hard to not fall back into how things were.
How do we handle this situation? Hubby and I are not interested in anymore drama or lies being told and we are not interested in a second or a serious gf relationship at this point. We went through alot to make room for her in our marriage I went through hell being ok with things and then it was just thrown away and walked all over. I also feel like now she is husband chasing and not in a I'm happy to share way. I would be lying if I said I didnt miss the physical connection we all had.
That being said though I can't get past how disposable she made not just my friendship but also my family and marriage.
Is it wrong of us to shut her out sexually and keep her at arms length. She has stayed over a couple of times the first time we ( hubby,myself and gf) talked and cuddled and slept nothing else the next time hubby didn't want to sleep with us, he doesn't want to lead her on in anyway. She got agitated that he wouldn't come to bed and then ended up by leaving early morning without saying bye or anything.
Is it best to at this point to keep her out of our bed in anyway or how do we handle this? We like her and don't want to lose the kids but we are just at a loss on things should be

Just tell her the part that I bolded up there.

I can't believe how well you articulated the problems you have/had with her and then turn around and say "should we or shouldn't we?" Read your post again and imagine that your best friend or a close relative wrote that. What would you tell them to do?
 
thank

I know my questioning probably irritates some of you who have been doing this for awhile. I have not this was my first relationship like this and my first with a woman and I am finding it hard to be in the friend zone when I still find myself attracted to her.

Gala thank you for breaking things down like you did it does help to see.

We have told her we are not interested in a relationship like that. But we did say we missed her and were confused by how things should be now. We also told her about a girl who is interested in us and we would like to get to know better, not in a sexual way. Is it ok to say this? she wanted to know who she was and why she was hanging around me.

The first time she stayed over she was going to stay on the couch and yes it was my fault for any confusion because I did invite her into our bed.However this was because we had all been drinking she more than we and we also had another person over who creeped her out who was staying on the other couch. The second time she came over I and hubby had no idea she was staying the night. She just stayed. I know I could have should have said you got the couch but she just went in and jumped in bed. I know I should have asked her to hit the couch, but it seemed rude somehow. As far as the rumors and things which have been being said, she denies these things she does say she told the thrid party things and regrets doing so but I honestly don't get why someone whom I don't know and who was and is her friend would say the wild and vicious things she said without them being said to her or at least some of it being said to her.

The reason I ask advice is because I really did value the friendship we had and I am so confused by the feelings I have been having. Part of me loves her as my friend, part of me is attracted to her and part of me wants to hate her. I feel guilty that I still have feelings for this woman, I feel guilty that I don't trust her intentions. I also question if I even if I should.
I know if the situation were with a family member I would tell them to stay the hell away from her. And our family members have told us this but we don't know if this is because they see what kind of person she is or if they are upset with what our relationship was with her.
There is this part of me who wants to believe this third party made everything up and my friend would have never done that or anything to hurt me. I feel dumb for feeling this way but I do.

Questions- Will those feelings that I had for her go away?
How do I make them?
Will the hurt that I feel from her betrayl go away? Will I ever be able to trust her? I know they say to forgive and forget but I am finding this difficult. Or is it really just cut and dry and I should just walk away from her.
I hate being a noob and having feelings:(:confused:
 
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