My new partner considers primary connections to be emotional connections, not necessarily a function of who he's living with....But what I love most about his outlook is that each of his relationships can develop to what level of connection is right for them, not necessarily to a level that must fit in a hierarchy of already established relationships. That way, there can easily be more than one primary in his life. I tend to see it that way too.
I thnk that is awesome. That is my preferred lifestyle (is lifestyle the right word?I hope you get what I mean).
One of the most primary relationships in my life is completely non-sexual. MANY people who live in my day to day life have believed he was.... more tertiary in regards to the depth/importance of our relationship.Right up unto the point where it looked like was going to die-and they saw the toll that took on myself (and my oldest daughter as well).
Now they are seeing that my relationships are just too complicated to fit in those little "label" boxes cleanly.
When I love someone-I LOVE them deeply and fully.
When I have sex-who knows, it may or may not be related. Looking back over the years I can see many examples when it was and many when it was not-even within individual relationships.
... the idea of primaries and secondaries just isn't appealing. In some ways, we don't even like referring to ourselves as "husband and wife" in the context of polyamory, because that seems to automatically erect a barrier to any external partners.....
This too!
I really don't have an issue with it in context of acknowledging Maca's importance to me. He's VERY important to me and I want people to know that. I don't regret marrying him-I'd do it again. I love him and I know we belong together.
I DO have an issue with it in context of introducing Maca and GG together, or introducing GG to someone who knows Maca and I. Because it leads to the belief that GG is somehow less than Maca to me, but that isn't true.
IF poly-marriage was an option-I would marry them both. No if's, and's or but's. I love them both equally though differently and just as deeply. I believe that if one were to use the term soulmate-they are both soulmates to me.
I have 17 years of history with GG, I have 10 years as Maca's wife, and I met him 21 years ago(though he was out of the picture for 10 years as we had lost contact with one another). Soo how can I say that one relationship is MORE than the other? If the day comes where Maca and GG are more comfortable with one another and with our family-I will call them both my "term they choose together". Because they are both my beloveds.
I agree entirely. This is how I live my poly life also. I see no need for terms unless I am explaining something. I don't feel I need to categorize anymore, but it sure was helpful when I needed to sort it all out in my head at the beginning!
I loathe the terms and so far find it only serves to frustrate me if I use them. I say I have two primaries, everyone here seems to get that, but in "r/l" they ask questions about how that is possible, and seem to WANT to classify GG as a secondary regardless of how one chooses to define it (emotional attachment or living arrangement) and the truth is that he doesn't fit the definition either way.