The Yellow House

Yays all around!

Just to be clear; you and Nurse have had sex off/scene, right?
 
Weelll, actually, I am, in fact, a virgin. *Gasp, I know. Well, I guess that depends on how you define sex. Well, I haven't done much and I haven't had intercourse. The Nurse is aware of this and I had told him a few weeks ago that I wasn't really wanting to do sexual things in play or elsewhere. He and I have been spending a lot of 'normal' time together and the other morning when he left for work, he kissed me. (gasp again!) So, it is a bit unclear to me exactly where this is going since not an awful lot has happened. There's really great energy between us and I'm hoping that it's developing into more but I won't really know until we have a conversation about it.
 
So, when you were talking about participating in "scenes," you weren't referring to acting school?

(That's a joke.)

I figured out you're talking about BDSM. The whole thing about scenes totally confuses me, and now especially that you do this and you're a virgin. I just don't understand any of that. May I ask how old you are? I thought I understood the relationship part, when you talked about O., but now I'm wondering if any input I gave you was useful at all, since I don't relate at all to the idea of going to a dungeon, performing BDSM in groups in front of people you don't know, nor being in relationships without sex. If I ever offer you an opinion that's totally off-base, please let me know! :)
 
Weelll, actually, I am, in fact, a virgin.

Drat, I used to know that. Anyways, I think the fact that you are spending so much time off/scene is a good indicator that there is potential for something really great happening.

Is Nurse poly?
 
@ Indie LOL, I used to be a theatre major ;)

But really, I appreciate your input. You have so many great things to say that apply to relationships of all varieties. One things that I like about BDSM right now is that I can participate in scenes and not have sex. It's a great way for me to explore my sexuality without having to jump into something I'm not ready for. I've struggled for a long time to be comfortable with being sexual. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to feel comfortable in that role. I intend to keep exploring it both in kink and relationship-wise. I'm not really looking for a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic. I enjoy play and some power exchange but with moderation.

@ BU

Yes, Nurse is poly. I hope it is too. :) It's beginning to seem more like that.

I feel like I need to have an essay on hand entitled "Why I am STILL a Virgin" lol

I'm 22 and O, my previous relationship was my first one. His wife didn't approve of us having sex except in the context of a threesome with her. Only she didn't really want to have a threesome, (go figure?) and I didn't want my first time to be in a threesome. So, that never quite worked out. I also have a large amount of psychological issues regarding sex. And, as if that weren't enough, I have an abnormally thick hymen so until I finish the dilating process or have surgery, I can't have PIV sex anyway. So there's a lot going on.
That being said, I'd really like to try it and I'm hoping that if things with the Nurse go well, that could be a possibility.

So I suppose I am trying to say that I am not asexual, I'm just a very late bloomer. ;)
 
Oh, honey, 22 is not very late. You take your time and do it when it feels right. If you feel that BDsm scenes are helping you come to terms with sex and sexuality, I think that's great. I certainly made some idiot moves when I was your age, trying my sexuality on for size. Oy! I do find a lot of the BDsm world disturbing, but some of it appeals to me. I think if you can pick and choose what aspects appeal to you and set boundaries that make sure you are safe, it's good. I would only caution you to make sure the people you play with are trustworthy and not assholes about it. My next question is possibly the weirdest sentence I've ever written on a message board: I am curious about your hymen. <giggle> Have you never used tampons? Or is it so thick you can't insert one?

Sorry about such a personal question, but you just piqued my curiosity when you mentioned it!
 
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I'm not really looking for a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic. I enjoy play and some power exchange but with moderation.


I'm starting to suspect that TPE isn't actually even very compatible with poly - the two relationship ideologies just seem fundamentally at odds to me. Maybe some form of poly-fi would work, but again, I have an outsider's view on the matter - I would fit the audience of the book 'When someone you love is kinky' :confused:.

I'm sorry to hear your first relationship experience was so shitty! But to paraphrase a recent campaign, 'It gets better'.

I had my first relationship/first intercourse at 20, going on 21, because I just never found anyone it would have felt 'right' with before. And look at how I have sluttified! Since starting on poly, the amount of my sexual partners has increased by 300 % :D.
 
@ BU

Yeah, I agree somewhat. Perhaps there are some who make it work but I think it does pose problems given the intensity of a M/s dynamic. In addition, I think, for me, it would be pretty stressful. I'm not a big fan of 24/7 anything. But I suppose if real life is taken into account and woven well into the protocols.... General kink lends itself exceedingly well to poly. I've encountered many in the kink community that seem to be at least poly friendly, if not poly themselves to some degree. And like poly, there are so many ways to be kinky and a rainbow of ways a relationship can be built. I like the variety and flexibility.

Yes, I think it is starting to get better. :) I, too, am in my sluttification process. lol I've been rather enjoying it lately.

@ Indie


TMI WARNING


Hehe, it's ok to ask. I think I did chuckle a bit when I read it though. So I do use tampons although I had to start with the supermini ones and for a long time it was pretty painful to use them. Over the years, I managed to graduate to some larger objects... I still am not quite at the point where I could fit a normal penis. I'm getting closer though. It's about as thick as the webbing between a normal person's thumb and pointer finger. So penetration with movement can be uncomfortable/excruciating. I'm beginning to wonder if I should just have it removed. I'd like to try and progress without the surgery but I may end up needing it. :(

I think a lot of us in the BDSM world sometimes struggle with finding what we do disturbing. ;) I know I felt like a gigantic freak for years. The kinky community does some crazy stuff! The thing to keep in mind is that those involved, 95% of the time, are absolutely ecstatic to be doing so. I will encounter fetishes that I might find gross or scary and I try to remember that. It usually helps me. I've been pretty lucky to come across a quality group of people who are really respectful in play and very friendly. People have been helpful in letting me know who's good to play with and who to be careful of. :)
 
Wow, what a weekend! It felt so good to get a full nights sleep last night! I think I finally feel human again. :) I had a munch/bonfire/party on Friday night. On Saturday the Nurse, I and two of our friends went on a little outing downtown. Later that evening there was yet another bonfire/party. Then, bright and early Sunday morning, we all got up to march in the Pride Parade.

It was a gorgeous day and there were a ton of entries in the parade. I'd never been in one/watched it or anything before. It felt really good to just be out there. There's been so much lying and hiding in the last year and I loved being open. I also love that I have the freedom to do that in my life without losing my job and what not. In addition, my family lives really far away, so I don't worry too much about it filtering back to them. I saw a few people I knew but no one that couldn't know about me being kinky/otherwise alternative. Me and three other girls were handcuffed together and we had fun dragging each other around/clotheslining people and otherwise trapping them. The crowd seemed to enjoy watching our antics. Afterwards we all hung out. Lots of napping, eating and drinking. I think I was pretty beat for most of the weekend due to lack of sleep.

I realized that I really missed doing art. I feel like I need to get back into things. I have a few projects in mind. And I have a good deal of free time on my hands given that it's summer. I finally found a decent job as well. I'll be working on campus at my university teaching people how to use computers. I also get free textbooks! How awesome is that... :) I've been trying to find a stable job for awhile so I was so happy to finally get an offer. The people I'll be working with seem pretty chill, as well.

I also became an aunt again this weekend! I have a brand new nephew, born very healthy. :)

On Thursday night, I had a huge fit on insecurity and freaked out about stuff with the Nurse. I spent the evening confused and hysterical. I felt like maybe I was silly to like him as more than a play partner and that he couldn't possibly be interested in me given how wrapped up he seems to be with things with his ex. I had this horrible feeling like maybe I was setting myself up for another broken heart. He had written a blog entry about some stuff and even though it didn't say anything bad...my brain went ahead and interpreted it in the worst possible light. So then I was pretty upset and feeling like I wanted to distance myself from him. When I saw him on Friday, he asked me what was wrong and I'm not sure I explained it very well but we decided that we should sit down and just make sure we're both on the same page. Unfortunately, we didn't get a chance to talk this weekend and I must admit I feel a bit frustrated about that. Mainly because I'm impatient and anxious and I don't want to have to be on edge about all of this for a long time. We're probably on the same page, I'm probably just making a big deal out of this because I feel insecure. :( Sometimes I feel like such a crackpot. I just want to protect myself from getting into something that isn't healthy. I don't know if I could handle getting my heart crushed right now.
 
Sometimes I feel like such a crackpot. I just want to protect myself from getting into something that isn't healthy. I don't know if I could handle getting my heart crushed right now.

Ensuring you are protected and the relationship is healthy means you aren't a crackpot. Thats a good way to do it. What if you get involved and the relationship is a mess.. be true to yourself before you can be true to others...

for the record.. heart break is always survivable, no matter how difficult..
 
I'll be working on campus at my university teaching people how to use computers. I also get free textbooks! How awesome is that... :)

I also became an aunt again this weekend! I have a brand new nephew, born very healthy. :)

Oy, lots of goodness! I am secretly dreaming of a job at the university library, although I am massively unqualified, as a content descriptor. Imagine getting to read textbooks all day and then writing down what they are about and getting paid to do that :eek:!

How do you feel about Nurse? Are you two dating as far as you are concerned? Would you like to be? Is he primary material?
 
Librarians are sexy. ;) Everyday, I like this job more and more. I hope to keep it for awhile.

Soooo, last night, the Nurse and I finally had "the talk." Although it was not as thorough/complete as I'd hoped. I think that our previous conversation from last week confused him. I'd had a bit of a freak out and told him that I was concerned that I was getting too attached. I think he interpreted that as I didn't want to be attached and need him to back up. What I really meant was I have feelings for you and don't want to get attached unless you feel the same.

I had him go first and he was like, I think we should just be friends right now and then if it develops into FWB or play partners, we can think about that later. My heart wilted a bit. Then I responded with how I didn't think I could keep doing things like kissing him/spending the night/playing if we were just friends. That it would be confusing. I acknowledged how things are complicated right now with both of our break ups but said that I really liked him regardless. Then, he made a happy sound and asked me if I would be ok having an open relationship of some kind. To which, I said yes. Then we figured that we'd take the next few weeks to define things a bit more. So, it appears that we are moving towards relationship land. :) Yippeee!
 
So, still moving very slowly but still moving. :)

We haven't been declaring it and I do still feel like the Nurse's response to when I asked him if we were together was ambiguous but he didn't say no and we've been continuing to act more like a couple, so I'm assuming that's good? He recently had a sexual experience with one of his play partners that was previously a non-sexual relationship. I was kind of surprised that it didn't upset me. The first thought after he told me was "how was it?" And at that point we hadn't made any agreements about that sort of thing, so it's not like he broke any promises? I like her myself, as a friend, and find it to be a relief to have possible metamours that are people I can connect with. And today I asked him if they planned on sex being a regular thing and he wasn't sure, so I just asked him to let me know when they figure it out. Typically I would prefer to know before a relationship becomes sexual but seeing as our status is so ambiguous and we're not sexual ourselves, I don't think I have much to get in a twist about. What do you guys think?

He and I got a chance to play a bit a party over the weekend and the energy was really great. We tried some new things (for me, anyway) and I loved it! As the scene was ended he kissed me and it was one of my favorite kisses I've ever had, not that I have a huge library of experience... :p But still! The energy!

In other news, I've decided to have my infamous hymen surgically removed. I realized that doing things the natural way just isn't working. The surgery has very little risk and involved and a lot of reward. I would like to make sex a part of my life and after I have this surgery, the physical barriers will be significantly reduced. I was talking to my therapist about the emotional barriers. There are many but I'm starting to see a vision of how I would be most comfortable exploring my sexuality further. I think when I decide that some one is going to be my first sexual partner and they reciprocate that desire, I will need to go through a progression. Trying different sexual activities as I feel more comfortable. Building up to the things that are more scary for me. I have some pretty intense baggage and feel like I need to explore in a healthy and safe place so I make positive associations. I envision this process taking one to three months. Obviously, it's fluid but that sounds about like what I might need. So, the next step for me is to share with the Nurse what I think I need in order to be sexual. If he thinks that's something he can be on board with and wants to participate in that, great! If not, I'll have to look elsewhere. It's hard sometimes to hold firmly to what I know I need when it runs counter to what some one else wants. But I feel like I need to not compromise on this one. It's pretty important!
 
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So happy and proud of you! Yes, it IS important, and you need to stick to what you want and know you need.

Just curious - what happened to the other guy? Sinclair I venture his name was.

As to your question - do you feel you should be getting in a twist? Or is it something you thought of previously as a boundary and now you discover it's not that big a deal?
 
Sinclair and I don't seem to have much of a connection. No hurt feelings I'm aware but it just wasn't a match of any kind other than friend.

The nurse and I did discuss an open relationship. Not in detail and we never specifically specified that we were in one. I interpreted it as when we decided to be in one we would hammer out some agreements. I envisioned something along the lines of sex and or play is ok as long as it's agreed upon beforehand. I would have like to have known beforehand that he was considering having sex with our friend. I think it was a spontaneous thing but it did bug me a bit that I felt slightly out of the loop. And I've obviously made some bad calls in the past as to peoples trustworthiness. So im feeling a tad paranoid about choosing/judging wrongly. He has a good reputation as a human being within the community from many people including those he's dated previously. So, maybe im just worrying too much?
 
Someday's, I look at myself and think, gosh I am FUCK-ed up!

And after getting out of my relationship with O, I feel even more damaged than I was before. I've been having a lot of anxiety lately, in part because of a few injuries that have made it difficult for me to exercise. I'm all wounded up and constantly feel on edge. I found a chiropractor this morning and I'm going in later today. I hope that he can help put my back together (I'm like humpty-dumpty) and then I can get back to my physical routine. I did a bunch of writing and thinking this morning and that has helped me to clear my mind a bit.

I've been reading a lot lately about D/s relationships and other power exchange dynamics. The more I read about it, the more I feel like my relationship with O was a lot like a non-consensual D/s relationship. We were never equals in that relationship. He found me in a very vulnerable place and preyed upon my naivety.

Sometimes, when we would train, I would accidentally hit him. This happens a lot when you train. We all try to avoid it but mistakes happen. He had this thing where he would get kind of upset and stop what we were doing and intentionally hit me to "punish" me for hitting him. This was confusing to me. Sometimes I like getting hit and I often am hit in neutral ways for training. When he would do that, it made me feel uncomfortable and sad. It was not something I'd asked him to do or negotiated in anyway. I never asked him to stop because I felt bad that I hit him sometimes on accident and I justified it in my head by saying that it didn't matter because he didn't hit me that hard.

And there were times where he'd mess up and hit me in training. Once he hit me with an elbow to the back of the head and I had to go to the ER to get checked out for possibly having a concussion. Another time, he wanted to get fancy on a takedown and slammed me into the ground from 4 ft in the air, rotating my body so I unexpectedly fell face down, hitting my knee on the ground first. That left me in pain for a couple of months. When I would accidentally hit him, it was like oops, I tagged you with my knuckles and your lip is going to hurt for 5 minutes.

Thinking about all this really, really freaked me out.

Feeling like the line between consensual physical impact play and this was not clear to me. And I had to sit down and write out the differences, even though I know them in my head, it's still confusing emotionally. All the play that I've done, I've finished it and felt happy. With that, I never felt happy afterwards. I know that is enough of a difference but part of me just feels scared and upset. I guess I probably just need to process it all. I'm tired of the past sticking it's head in my business and making it difficult for me to enjoy the present.
 
You are NOT fucked up. He most certainly sounds to be.

Unless you meant that physically. Is the back injured from training :(?

In my book, hitting another person in purpose for some kind of imagined 'retribution', 'punishment' or 'fairness' is just plain WRONG.

I am glad you are rid of him. And happy that learning about BDSM is helping you to learn about yourself and your past :).
 
Well, I am fucked up physically as well, but I did mean in the emotional sense. Given my life experience, it's a miracle that I'm not completely batshit. My back has been injured for over a year now. I keep hoping that someday it'll go back to normal. It was kind of a stress/over training injury.

This week has been a difficult one. I've had to make some tough decisions but I think I made the right ones. My connection with Nurse was starting to create a lot of anxiety...not having a definition, him dragging his feet, not knowing what he wanted. I realized that it just wasn't healthy for me. He still needs time to heal from his breakup. I need stability and something that's well defined. So I decided that it would be best to take a step out for a bit. He really wanted to remain friends but after we put the kibosh on things I freaked out. My therapist recommended that I step out of the friendship as well for the time being. To give myself time to heal and not get stuck torturing myself more. So I sent him a message last night and told him. His message back made me cry. Well, I've been crying quite a bit this week anyway. I hope that soon I will feel well enough to reconnect. I miss him already. I'm guessing that a month or so is what I'll do.

I hate that I had to do that but I just need to take care of myself. And right now it hurts way too much to be close to the Nurse. He's really awesome and I want to get better soon, so that we can at least be friends again. He understood, not happy about it, but he gets it. He really doesn't know what he wants right now and that's really hard for me. Because I do know what I want. And that's being with him. But I can't have it so I need to be able to let go for the time being. :(
 
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