Redpepper's journey

It makes just as much sense to me that I get dental and chiropractic covered with my insurance. Mental health is just as important. Our taxes cover the regular stuff, such as visits to drop-in medical clinics or to my family doctor. Even the crisis line I was told I could call if I felt suicidal is free. I can get meds easily enough too, just not the therapy that I think should go along with it. It should go hand-in-hand, I think.

I was charging $80 fresh out of school almost 20 years ago to therapeutic clients. It costs a lot to get the proper insurance and an office here. Totally understandable that a fee that high would leave little for the therapist. Subsidies for massage therapy exists through my family doctor. Why not therapy? Don't get me started. :(
 
Hi RP,

Not knowing what you do for work, but do you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) you can take advantage of? When my marriage was falling down around my ears, I found a counselor and got 8 sessions covered under my EAP.

I've been popping in and out of your blog sporadically, back when I was following Mono's posts intently (as a mono folk, myself), and I hope the good days are outweighing the anxious ones. Hang in there.
 
12 step-type programs are free. I think there must be something like "co-dependent anonymous". The thing is, you might run into people you know there.
 
Today I felt profoundly lonely. I suppose that might be why I am posting. Sitting in that and wondering why. Trying to find the space in my heart that says I am not lonely, I am having me time.

I kind of think that the feeling of being lonely is something most of us have at one time or another, just like feeling jealous or angry or sad. It's a normal part of our emotional repertoire, IMO.

For me, it's just a thing. Human beings are a sociable species. We need each other, sos of course, if any of us are going through a time of feeling like we need somebody there in the moment and we are alone, we are likely to feel lonely.

I use Facebook a lot when I feel that way. I have so many friends around the place that there is usually somebody to chat with or someone putting something interesting up.

To be honest, I'd be much more worried about myself if I never felt lonely and was able to meet all my needs myself. Needing each other is part of being a human being, IMO, and I think that losing that is a huge problem. (Of course, needing each other is a spectrum. I have friends who cannot bear to be alone, even for a few hours, and others who will happily take off for a week's camping trip alone, not see another soul and be absolutely fine about it.)

I remain slightly disturbed by the UK's focus on CBT as the counseling method of choice. I understand and see very much why it works and I think that sometimes it may be useful (although there seems to be little evidence for its efficacy), but I have a massive problem with the notion that each of us, as an individual, must fix ourselves. Human beings work better in groups and collectively.

Very often, when there is something wrong, it is something wrong in our living environment, and not in our own heads. Trying to change ourselves to fit in with a poor living environment is not a good way to go, IMO. I often think that those of us who tend towards independence and doing our own thing would benefit from spending time working our way into communities and trying to remain in them.

I hope you feel better.

IP
 
This article by Pema Chodron has helped me a lot with my loneliness and neediness issues. Just quoting one paragraph here, but the whole article is well worth the read. I like her distinction between the 'hot' loneliness that needs a fix, and 'cool' loneliness that is actually a completely new way of thinking.


Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.
 
Today I felt profoundly lonely. I suppose that might be why I am posting. Sitting in that and wondering why. Trying to find the space in my heart that say I am not lonely I am having me time. I am not alone. I am loved and people aren't leaving just doing other things. Its hard to do when sometimes there is so much silence compared to before. Its good that there is. I chose that, but I misread it sometimes.

It's possible that your brain is telling you that you've started to pull away from people too much. Maybe it's time to reach out and re-connect for an hour with someone you've been pulling away from. It's easy to go from one extreme to the next until no matter what we do, it's not healthy. Me time is great, until it's not, then it's time to reach out to others. Just take it slow and make baby steps. It's easy to go from nothing but me time to being overwhelmed with socializing. Reach out, have some me time, then reach out again, etc.

When I start feeling lonely, and then sorry for myself, I have to stop and think - Have I called anybody just to see how they were doing lately? Have I suggested a group of us meet for coffee lately? Usually the answer is NO. I've found excuse after excuse to isolate myself, including sitting alone at the kids ball game. Part of me says, you like to be alone and you like your me time, but... at some point, it's time for me to make the first step in reconnecting with certain people. I am going through this right now. After spending every weekend with certain people for 3 month straight, I pulled back for 2 months - now I'm missing everyone and need to make an effort to fix it.
 
RedPepper said:
I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here. Could you say a bit more please?


I am hoping I am not being an idiot, and failing to pick up on subtleties, as usually people get frustrated whenever I attempt to explain my words, I often have trouble doing so coherently.

What I was trying to say is:

I believe it's not wise to make such a distinction between polyamory and monogamy in regards to how you are going to live your life so that you will feel fulfilled and content. Unless of course your main relationship issues are centered around sex. If they are not, then thinking that being monogamous will solve your problems will only serve to confuse you

you may become so confused that it severely affects your life, to the point you may seek treatment like you would for a medical illness. If you do seek treatment, keep in mind there is nothing better than a good psychologist, however not everybody is good at what the do for a living, especially mechanics, doctors, and those in the industry of psychiatry.

So if you need clinical help, make sure you find services from someone who is good at what they do for a living.

I don't know you, so please make sure if what I am saying doesn't apply to you or seem like it would help that you dismiss my opinion because you should remember that nobody can be a better guide than yourself, so long as you aren't confused or otherwise not understanding yourself or the world due to believing lies. I would be suspicious of those who do not promote your finding clarity about yourself, and who you are and how you feel shouldn't depend on whether or not you relationship is with one or more person, sexually speaking, because what is more important is that you are only with people sexually that you are capable of being sexual with in healthy ways

healthy both emotionally and physically

If you know that you desire to feel important or in any way special, it isn't going to be healthy for you to have relationships with people who demand you feel average, or nothing special.

Unless you know that you can only be happy in a sexually monogamous relationship, I think it won't be wise to look to monogamy to find what you are looking for to be in a fulfilling relationship(s) Unless sex is without a doubt the only problem you are having in your relationships, I don't see the point or reason that being monogamous would help you find clarity, as sex is the main difference between monogamy and polyamory

the mono and poly prefixes describe the sexual aspect of relationships, and if it really meant love, and not sex, then all monogamous relationships are fundamentally abusive (unless of course that is what they truly desire) because if the prefixes did describe love and not sex, that is essentially demanding that your partners have no close friends that they care about, that your SO have only casual friendships that they must not give a shit a shit about because they are not allowed to be anything more than acquaintances.

Which does not describe healthy mono or poly relationships for the majority of people -- regardless of the difference being either love or sex -- not when most of US desire close friendships with others besides our significant others, and not when a person does not find sex with others fulfilling unless they are more than casual interactions, but not everyone requires the same type of relationships in regards to love and sex.

My previous comment was labeled as "Either that or certain poly families/communities" I was saying that the problem could be the poly community you are active in, as if it was a source of your problems, it wouldn't be the first community that people have distanced themselves from because the community was not conducive to what constitutes healthy relationships for them. Because not all poly communities embrace all ways to practice polyamory or non-monogamy perhaps your community is imposing their polyamorous beliefs on you and what constitutes a fulfilling relationships for you is not the style that has been decided as acceptable for the group.

Which would be the case if you need to be important to the people you are in relationships with, you won't ever feel satisfied in a relationship with people who subscribe to the belief that people who think they are important need to be humiliated into believing they are not, or ignored to the point where they believe they are not,

And that is in no way required in order to be poly and happy, and I believe that anybody who tries to tell you that feeling unimportant is a requirement that they are the ones who are confused, and possibly buying into that mentality is why you are confused.

I don't know anybody that has time for more than two relationships that do not have any overlap, in full disclosure, I don't know anybody who has time for two completely separate primary relationships unless they are satisfied with only having their partner around two or three days of the week. Which probably describes a majority of people who proclaim themselves to be polyamorists. And that is fine, however making it a requirement has nothing to do with polyamory, if it's a requirement it is the only because the club is maximum-of-three-day-a-week-polyamory community.

And by responses here, which is the only thing I have to go off of to get an idea of your life, if your community is more than just poly, if it is a cannot-believe-you-are-important-polyamory community, and you are not happy when you are made to feel less than, your problem isn't polyamory, it's the community you are active in.

It is more likely that you do not have similar enough beliefs on what constitutes respect towards others
 
Last edited:
My mind is beginning to come alive again in so many ways. I'm so excited! I'm shedding the bogged-down word poly, and accepting that each relationship I have is an entity all its own. There is no need for any label when there is opportunity to discover each relationship I have with everyone. Poly has created options for me, but it's not the only one. If the shoe fits, wear it and forget about having to wear the coat of a self-imposed methodology that just doesn't work for some relationships. I'm so glad I discovered this for myself before losing my relationship with Mono, merely due to my stubborn insistence that I HAVE TO BE POLY. No, I don't. I don't have to, at all. I can and maybe will, with others, one day, but I don't have to. Yay choice!

Thanks for some of the replies here. I intend to come back and respond to some of them, but just haven't had time lately. Happily doing other things. :) Thanks all.
 
My mind is beginning to come alive again in so many ways. I'm so excited! I'm shedding the bogged down word poly and accepting that each relationship I have is an entity all it's own.

Damn straight.


There is no need for any label when there is opportunity to discover each relationship I have with everyone. Poly has created options for me, but it's not the only one. If the shoe fits, wear it and forget about having to wear the coat of a self imposed methodology that just doesn't work for some relationships.

Well said, and exactly what happened to me. Poly is simply the option of loving more than one. The relationships and their structures are separate from that. It makes life (mine, at least) much easier and a lot less cluttered with junk.

I'm so glad I discovered this for myself before losing my relationship with mono merely due to my stubborn insistence that I HAVE TO BE POLY. No, I don't. I don't have to, at all. I can, and maybe will, with others, one day. But I don't have to. Yay choice!

Congrats, RP. Truly, Keep it simple and life will be much clearer.
 
Damn Straight :)




Well said and exactly what happened to me. Poly is simply the option of loving more than one, the relationships and their structures are separate from that. Makes life (mine at least) much easier and a lot less cluttered with junk.



Congrats RP.. Truely.. Keep in simple and life will be much clearer.
Yay! You said you'd be back, and here you are. Big fat hugs to you and yours. It was so great to see you a few weeks back. Made it even better to see you here. Thanks for your grounding and supportive words. :)
 
Cleo, the article link you sent was super helpful. Thankyou. I read it several times and will again.

InfinitePossibility, I agree, loneliness is just something I will feel from time to time. As does everyone. Reading the article Cleo sent put a different perspective on that and gave me something to focus on.

SNeacail, I likely have pulled away too much and am now feeling that pendulum swing a bit too much. Time to bring it back to center a bit more.

Dirtclustit, thanks for your words. You made some good points that I have mulled over. I appreciate your clarifying what you were saying.
 
Cleo, the article link you sent was super helpful. Thankyou. I read it several times and will again.

Glad it was useful! I've become a bit of a Pema addict :) Whenever I'm really anxious/jealous/needy/caught up I read her stuff. I know there are lots of Buddhist writers out there, but she seems one of the very few who talks about these things from the perspective of someone who has lived a 'regular' life. And she has a sense of humor, which really helps. I know you are not a big reader, but I really recommend all her work. Lots of it is in short easy-to-read articles online.
 
Update is that there is some headway on my me stuff. :) Sitting in it all is working! I am generally more content alone than with others and actually crave alone time. I get sad when I know I have to be in the company of others some days.
 
HI

Nice to see some old names here, Ari, LR, SNeacail.

I'm back because I'm giving poly a go for myself, and one of the first things I'm learning to deal with is the loneliness of being apart from a love. I read the Pema Chodron article and it was just what I needed.

Loneliness is obviously something not to be avoided for me, because when I was identifying as mono I had exactly the same issue when Zen was away with his love. Now I have another love of my own and I miss him. Time to sit with the feelings and accept them, I guess. :).

Kudos to you, RP, for doing the hard work. :)

Thanks,
Sage
 
I am glad you are making progress, RP, and are starting to come out of that cloud I metaphorically saw hanging over your head. I don't think I've ever been monogamous, but we did live several years in pseudo-monogamy, where we weren't actively dating or having relationships, but had FWBs who came in and out of our lives (Runic Wolf more than myself)

It's been a hard adjustment for him to have me be the one in a steady relationship for the last 4 years because I was never the one actively looking for a second relationship. However, I love the idea of intentionality in relationships. I may have accidentally fallen into my relationship with Wendigo, but I am intentionally fostering it and letting it grow. I am also intentionally fostering my marriage.

Early on, it was easy to let NRE take over and let my stable marriage slide. I wonder if, in a way, you did something similar in your relationships by feeling like you HAD to keep adding to your poly family, as if being content with the loves you had would somehow make you less poly, in the eyes of your community.
 
Update is that there is some head way on my me stuff. :) sitting in it all is working! I am generally more content alone than with others and actually crave alone time. I get sad when I know I have to be in the company of others some days.

I spend a lot of time alone traveling. It's been interesting since I do treasure that time. However, I am happy with myself and what I am doing, so I never feel lonely.

I sometimes feel guilty over that happiness at being alone. But it's also where I reboot. I have that time to do those things I enjoy. I just wish I could bring my bikes everywhere I travel.

Sometimes in poly we spend so much of our meager 24 hours a day sorting through our poly relationships, we forget the relationship with ourselves.

Ari
 
So good to hear from you Sage, Bridgidsdaughter and of course, you too, Ari!

I just stopped by to say we are off on our Oregon coast bike trip tomorrow. There is a lot going on for me in good, clarifying and settling ways, but I will write when I get back. For now, there is a break in the storm and some fun to be had. I intend to embrace it and ride. :D Cheers, everyone.
 
I won't be writing here anymore, I don't think. My poly head is filled with cobwebs and tangled messes of new ideas and thoughts, but none of it is for public consumption.

I am unwilling to share much more than random boring updates about what I am doing, as if it were a log of my life, with no context or inclination of mental process or feeling. So much is going on for me that is not shareable in a safe manner, that I am speechless when I sit and write. Maybe one day I will be able to, but right now I can't even share with those close to me, let alone publicly, so I am taking an extended break.

Peace out, people. Enjoy the ride and good luck.
 
Back
Top