Redpepper's journey

Feeling good in this moment. First long moment in a very long time. It lasted seven hours. A record in the last couple of months. Going to sleep with a smile and some peace.
 
Feeling good in this moment. First long moment in a very long time. It lasted seven hours. A record in the last couple of monthes. Going to sleep with a smile and some peace.
=]
 
Just wanted you all to know I went to my doctor and he is doing a full medical and a psych evaluation. I'm sleeping more often and eating more often and my work and home life hasn't been affected. He wasn't overly concerned because of these reasons, but likes to be thorough and I am agreeing to that for now. No rush to meds, it seems.

Every day I seem to be better, as long as I don't think about what everyone else is doing and how I fit into that. I am working hard to think about MY plan and MY future on my own, with others in mind.

I have been talking a lot with my monogamous OKC friend. He has been giving me his mono perspective, which includes a bachelor pad and celibacy. I have been thinking that is an option, but there are many others. All seem to lead back to a less drastic change.

My mind is shifting slowly in moments of peace without feeling anxious, devastated and traumatized. The longer time goes on, the less abandoned, out of control, out of my body, less busy in my brain I am. I'm getting my ability to remember things back. I feel less burnt-out and over-burdened, more conscious of what I do and say.

I see light at the end of the tunnel. It will take time. I know I keep saying that, but today is a good day and I am grateful to be alive and loving myself. I feel loved too, and today that is enough. Gently and carefully, I am carrying on.
 
Damn. I wrote a post last night but I see it didn't go through. Ah well. I am writing it again.

It seems my OKC mono friend has bailed on me. He had a hard time when I referenced his astrological sign and had a gut feeling about getting to know me. I suspect he had a hard time with my lifestyle choices of raising LB with two men. He told me that if I wanted to be appealing as a partner I should live alone, have joint custody of LB and be celibate for awhile. He thought it strange to be entertaining the thought of monogamy with someone in my circumstances, that being: the offer of being monogamous with me, but keeping our living situation here.

I don't see how his suggestions are going to benefit LB, the guys or me in any way. I'm not planning on going anywhere. Dating outside of my family monogamously didn't seem possible, as far as he was concerned.

I'm not attached to it, just looking at all the options. There is something not right in my life, and unturning every rock to find it is important, I think. He was part of the rock turning.

I'm not very upset about him saying goodbye. I liked him and we had some good chats. I will miss that. It was early days, though, so I suspect missing him will peter out soon enough.
 
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He thought it strange to be entertaining the thought of monogamy with someone under my circumstance.

Hmm, well, RP, I think the idea of you being monogamous or celibate would seem pretty strange to anyone who has been reading your blog and all your posts in other threads for the past few years.

So, I am going to just come out and say something that I've tried to say before, in ways that are as nice and polite as possible. It doesn't seem you really ever got the gist of my message, because you kept going back to feeling devastated and wanting to escape from what is going on in your life, somehow.

Here it is in a nutshell: I think that all the turmoil you've been putting yourself through, including considering monogamy and celibacy, is simply about needing attention and to be in control. No judgment, it's just something you want. These are not bad things to admit to oneself. It just is. We all want to feel special for some reason, especially if needing that special attention gives us a false sense of power and helps us cover up all our insecurities.

Now you feel like the attention you had from all your loves has wavered, and you are not in control of the situation anymore. That is probably what kills you more than anything, because it sure sounds like the people in your life still love and care about you just as much as they always did. They just started directing more of their attention in other directions, at other people. But were they actually rejecting you? It didn't sound like it, but you made a pre-emptive strike and rejected them.

I, frankly, have been very surprised at how you reacted to the changes in the lives of the people you love and care about. They wanted to expand, but you made it all about you. You now come across like an orphan who has been abandoned, someone suddenly bereft of love and kindness in your life.

It just doesn't make sense to me that you can be stewing in such pain, when you are surrounded by love and caring and honesty. As I've said before, your dream of a poly tribe was coming true, but you are upset because you are not at the helm. People are making choices and sometimes those choices don't include you. But you have so much, many people who love you. Your life is so very rich. So, where is the self-love and strength I know you have?

I hope you can open your eyes to to really see how much love you have in your life, and that you are the only one who is creating the hurt you feel, and no one else. I truly hope you can work through this and get past it, Redpepper.
 
Hmm, well, RP, I think the idea of you being monogamous or celibate would seem pretty strange to anyone who has been reading your blog and all your posts in other threads for the past few years.

So, I am going to just come out and say something that I've tried to say before, in ways that are as nice and polite as possible. It doesn't seem you really ever got the gist of my message, because you kept going back to feeling devastated and wanting to escape from what is going on in your life, somehow.

Here it is in a nutshell: I think that all the turmoil you've been putting yourself through, including considering monogamy and celibacy, is simply about needing attention and to be in control. No judgment, it's just something you want. These are not bad things to admit to oneself. It just is. We all want to feel special for some reason, especially if needing that special attention gives us a false sense of power and helps us cover up all our insecurities.

And now you feel like the attention you had from all your loves has wavered, and you are not in control of the situation anymore. That is probably what kills you more than anything, because it sure sounds like the people in your life still love and care about you just as much as they always did. They just started directing more of their attention in other directions, at other people. But were they actually rejecting you? It didn't sound like it, but you made a pre-emptive strike and rejected them.

I, frankly, have been very surprised at how you reacted to the changes in the lives of the people you love and care about. They wanted to expand and you made it all about you. You now come across like an orphan who has been abandoned, someone suddenly bereft of love and kindness in your life. It just doesn't make sense to me that you can be stewing in such pain when you are surrounded by love and caring and honesty. As I've said before, your dream of a poly tribe was coming true, but you are upset because you are not at the helm. People are making choices, and sometimes those choices don't include you. But you have so much, so many people who love you. Your life is so very rich. So, where is the self-love and strength I know you have?

I hope you can open your eyes to to really see how much love you have in your life, that you are the only one who is creating the hurt you feel, and no one else. I truly hope you can work through this and get past it, Redpepper.
I don't actually feel like what you suggest any more. I don't want to be at the helm of anyone's life but my own. Why? Because I suck at relationships right now and I don't deserve anyone. I don't expect anything and they shouldn't expect anything from me, as I have nothing to give. Just hope. Not because I feel sorry for myself but, because it's the truth. I don't deserve anyone and yet people are here around me anyway with love and support. I feel as if I used people to get something from them, to boost myself up so I don't have to look after myself. It makes me feel ashamed and weak. I will be glad to change that.

Here I stand, squarely looking myself in the face and owning my shit. I'm making myself do this work. I felt it coming for a long time, in the form of fear of abandonment and a need to stay busy to avoid that. Now I'm facing it all. For the first time since LB was born (he just turned ten), I spend huge amounts of time staring into space thinking thinking thinking. Letting all the fear wash over me. Making myself be alone and living in that fear and quiet space of doing nothing. It's a meditation, of sorts.

I am wondering, by exploring monogamy, if really I only have room to take care of me and possibly one other. To be blessed with the love and undivided attention of one and to do the same towards them seems fitting for where I am, at this moment in my life. One person to think about over me. That is reasonable, no?

I can still be close and friends with others, and just not call them partners; still a tribe, just different expectations in the definition of the relationships: not as much ownership and control; backing away from the responsibilities of being constantly in demand and on call to be present in the lives of everyone I am close to. The change of relationship definition could be my key to successfully looking after ME first.

There is love in how I see my tribe and those I hold close, just not romantic love. I'm okay with that. Romantic love seems to die out anyway, into friendly care and comfortableness. Why call that love something it isn't? I love my chosen family and don't intend to leave them. (In all honesty, they may leave me first.) I am trying to find new ways to be Redpepper within the tribe. What I speak of here is an option. Just one option. Isn't it best to look at all options? Right now, this one is on the forefront.
 
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Romantic love dying out... Hmm...

I can't help but ponder. I definitely have it with Maca and GG. I have had times it wasn't there. It seems to fluctuate, but it always returns. 20 years now with GG. 15 with Maca, and if I include the first "puppy love desires," 25 years.
 
Romantic love die out... Hmm...

I can't help but ponder. I definitely have it with Maca and GG. I have had times it wasn't there. It seems to fluctuate, but it always returns.
20 years now with GG. 15 with Maca, and if I include the first "puppy love desires," 25 years.
Well, maybe it will come around for me too. I just have an appreciation for their presence in the house and for my role. It makes me feel as if I am needed as a contributing member.
 
Haven't you already "explored monogamy"? Or is that some new, uncharted territory no one has ever navigated before?

#justwondering #captainobvious #asksthequestionsoneveryoneelsesminds
 
Haven't you already "explored monogamy"? Or is that some new, uncharted territory no one has ever navigated before?

#justwondering #captainobvious #asksthequestionsoneveryoneelsesminds
I haven't been monogamous in almost 20 years. I was in my 20s when last I was monogamous. It feels uncharted to me.
 
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Romantic love-- yeah, it comes and goes, especially when things seem to be changing a lot.

LB is 10. Our babies don't need quite so much of our attention anymore. They are much more independent and it can be exciting and depressing at the same time. (My oldest will be 18 in 2 weeks and off to the army in August.) They still need us, but they don't want us hovering (or they don't want it to look like they need us). Learning how to shift gears to the more independent child can be difficult and disconcerting.

Age-- we are the same age. At some point after 40 I started to wonder where I fit. I still feel like that sometimes. I watched a video on drowning recently and I realized, that's what I've felt like for a while. It may or may not be directly related to our kids getting older, or maybe that just adds another complication.

It doesn't help when our loves seem to develop all these outside interests that take so much of their time/attention, all about the same time.

You have spent years focusing on poly, relationships, etc. Maybe it's time to just do stuff that's fun without any relationship expectations. Get back to your art, take a class, teach a class, etc.
 
I don't have a lot of suggestions, just one caution: be careful about labeling something as "the end" or "final." Too often we assume something is "the end" when, in fact, it is just "a long pause."

As an odd twisted example: my grandfather married young. They had two children, a boy and a girl. The girl died of an illness. The grief tore them both apart and they weren't prepared to deal with it. They divorced. She remarried and her husband adopted the little boy.

My grandfather remarried. He had my dad and my uncle with his second wife. They were married 25 years and then divorced. My grandfather remarried the grandmother I knew him with. They were married 25 years and then she died.

Six months after the death of his 3rd wife, 50+ years after his first divorce, he remarried his first wife, reconnected with his first son (and grandchildren). They were blissfully happy together until death.

EVERYONE thought their divorce was "the end." And yet, 50+ years later it came back around, and lo and behold, they were madly in love and happy together.
 
http://www.birdclan.org/crow.html

Crows are with me everywhere right now.

A relationship with myself, even in the presence of others-- I intend to have that and I do.

I have a tree I go to, to pour the content of my aching chest into, and a beautiful rose garden to bring back some love in my heart. I'm very fortunate.

I have been given an appointment in July with a mental health team.

I went and got some St. John's wort tincture. It helped me the last time I was down, in my early 20s. Maybe it will help again. Rescue Remedy is helping also.

I am conscious not to use finalizing words. Nothing is ever final, just changing.
 
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It seems that either nothing is going on, or no one wants to tell me, or everyone is scared shitless of my reaction, or it's not that big of a deal, or people want their privacy. I can't figure out which.

I'm enjoying a quiet calm. That usually means a storm is brewing and I will be faced with hard emotions once again. How about some fantastic floaty love ones in there? I'm putting it out there. Just a thought.

Or maybe I'm paranoid, and this is just my quiet life now?
 
RP, I'm in no position whatsoever to judge your choices, but I did want to say, if I were Mono I'd be deeply wounded that you're willing to consider exploring monogamy now, with someone you just met on OKC, no less, when it was never an option with him. Why not consider being mono with him, as he's still your lover and life partner, if you're going to consider it with anybody? It would be oddly poetic if you guys flipped the script and did the mono/poly thing in reversed roles. Maybe it would revive your bond with him. Then again, maybe it's too painful to even think about trying to do that.
 
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RP, I'm in no position whatsoever to judge your choices, but I did want to say, if I were Mono I'd be deeply wounded that you're willing to consider exploring monogamy now, with someone you just met on OKC no less, when it was never an option with him. Why not consider being mono with him, as he's still your lover and life partner, if you're going to consider it with anybody? It would be oddly poetic if you guys flipped the script and did the mono/poly thing in reversed roles. Maybe it would revive your bond with him. Then again, maybe it's too painful to even think about trying to do that.
I have suggested we try monogamy. I felt that I freed up my life to be available to try monogamy. I want to try that and see if some healing can occur around his having tried out an open relationship without my knowledge or blessing. We haven't had a chance to heal and regain a connection from that, after all.

I thought I had fucked up a chance at being monogamous, but the truth is he liked that I am married. He didn't have to commit and could rest assured that I was taken care of by PN in terms of all the things marriage covers. He never wanted to replace the marriage he lost with another marriage-type relationship. He prefers me to be occupied.

He's not deeply wounded. He says it was never an option.
 
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Heh, and this is what I meant by saying I was in no position to judge your choices, so many layers here. I felt a bit silly posting in the first place, knowing I'd likely be off the mark in some way. Anyway, wishing you all the best.
 
Actually, Mono was in a relationship with PN and me, not really monogamous with me at all, by my account. It could be seen that way, anyway. I came as a package deal for him. That package is no longer as I move into just being me and doing my thing. It's threatening for him, apparently. He's having huge feelings about what his role is now in my life. He feels his responsibility is bigger. To me, nothing has changed there.

Life is quiet and full of moments of intense discussion and emotion. I await doors opening and change to occur with a sense of wonder and patient contentment right now. I'm not clinging to what once was as much. Those in my life tell me they have noticed the difference. I remain as in contact and available as I can be to people, but I suspect it's just weird for others. I don't know. Maybe I just feel weird.

Home life is good. I enjoy my routines. I've included new ones just for me and enjoy those too. It's just my sense of inwardness and pulling away to look after myself going on right now. That, and repeating the same things over and over again until something solidifies or I come out of my confusion about what happens next. I'm sure I will post once I figure it out.
 
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Actually, Mono was in a relationship with PN and me, not really monogamous with me at all, by my account. It could be seen that way, anyway. I came as a package deal for him. That package is no longer as I move into just being me and doing my thing. It's threatening for him, apparently. He's having huge feelings about what his role is now in my life. He feels his responsibility is bigger. To me, nothing has changed there.

Mono wrote way back in the beginning that he needed you and your husband to be having er, i forget the exact words he used, but "healthy and active sex life" would not be too far off base, in order for him (Mono) to be able to function in that relationship with you.

So there was that, and also the thing about how he could deal with you having girlfriends, but not so much having other boyfriends.

I remember that.
 
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