Just need to talk

Confused

New member
Hi there. This is my first time on this site and first time ever anywhere talking about this subject.

I'm female, and very happily married to my sweetheart. We are best friends, and still completely in love. We have two young children. I always considered myself completely monogamous, since I haven't really even found other people attractive since I met my husband.

However there is another guy. He is my exboyfriend from before I met my husband, and he was and continues to be good friends to both of us from before we got together. He has a girlfriend already who is married to one of his other friends but recently my feelings towards him have been straying back towards romantic rather than just friendly. We live in different countries so we email and talk on the phone, we flirt like crazy, and I'm finding talking to him really enjoyable and exciting. My husband knows and we've talked and talked over it and he continues to mostly be happy with this although its well outside the range of our experience and expectations up until now, if anything I'm feeling more in love with my husband every day that he can be this strong and supportive of me being happy.

I am hoping the other guy can come to visit us at some point and although I think my husband is not ok with us having a completely sexual relationship, I think he would be ok with us playing in some ways if he was present. Its all so new to me all these feelings and they're creating so much guilt for me. I get jealous and insecure much more easily than my husband does, and I don't think I could cope if my husband had this sort of interest in anyone else. I know my husband is feeling some jealousy and concern at times and I feel bad about that even though he tells me its fine and he's coping and he just wants me to be happy.

It doesn't feel right to want something for myself that I'm not mature enough to allow him to have for himself. The only slight mitigating difference between our situations is that I spend a lot of time home alone craving companionship while he works, whereas he's working with people all the time so has no more desire to be with anyone other than me afterwards.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling. I'm sure this is about as clear as mud to anyone reading but I'm feeling anxious about it all.
 
Welcome

Hi Confused - and thanks for sharing.

From what you've written I'd maybe just toss out a couple comments.
First - I'd just go slow - acknowledge the new discovery you've made and try to get you and your sweetheart talking about what it all might mean. Don't be rushing to "label" anything or leap off in any crazy direction right off.
Explore together, learn to talk about potentially sensitive issues etc. It can only benefit your relationship long term regardless if anyone else enters the picture or not :)

Secondly, I'd encourage you both to dig into understanding the whole "jealousy" thing. Jealousy is a very negative and dangerous emotion, even if it seems to be built into us. It can however be banished to it's dark corner and told to stay there. This is just another thing that will benefit your relationship regardless of whether you remain monogamous or drift towards poly. It's still a dark demon that deserves banishment and there's loads of good resources and people that can team up with you on that quest. Lots of good reading material already right on here and some great people anxious to help. So don't be hesitant to call out.

Good luck - be happy.

GS
 
Thankyou so much for your reply. I talk all the time with my husband, we've got so good at talking over jealousy issues (usually mine admittedly) over the years. I've been working on myself an awful lot over the last couple of years and my jealousy has become much less, and neither of us ever display unpleasant jealous behaviour, we just talk it over and ask questions and try to do whatever it takes to feel secure again. Usually for me thats just being allowed to ask as many questions as I need to and have them answered freely.

I have been telling my husband about every feeling I have that pops up and whatever goes through my head, and we're both feeling really happy with each other but we both have feelings of "Are we completely crazy? What on earth are we doing?" sometimes I think.

I have spoken to the other guy about my feelings for him, I was worried about potentially hurting him if my husband and I decided at some point that this wasn't actually a good idea. Thankfully he replied that he was flattered, was having fun with me and enjoying talking to me regularly and is attracted to me and would love to play with me but doesn't think he has any deeper feelings. This is a guy who's heart I broke once so this is a huge relief to me that I'm not being totally selfish by getting involved with him again. I said before that he is already involved in a relationship with the wife of another friend for the last 5 years or so. Its not like either of us actually has time or opportunity to explore much more than a friendly flirtation but I guess I still have this nagging feeling that what I'm doing is wrong, particularly because he is someone I have always cared so much for.
 
"Are we completely crazy? What on earth are we doing?" sometimes I think.

Nope, I mean yup ;)

There have many people who have come to this forum with similar questions about hooking up with someone on line. Sometimes people they have known from their past. It isn't crazy, it happens, but it can make someone feel crazy.

Welcome to the forum. hope you have time to read.... there is a lot of information on here that may help.
 
Understanding

Hi Confused,

I am new on here as well but I can tell you that from my own experience if you can simply accept yourself for what you are the confusion will disappear very quickly. It is not insane to love more than one person any more than getting married blinds you to the existence of other people. human contact is necessary for a balanced mind and love for a healthy relationship. that you and your husband communicate is the right way to start, that he is accepting, even supportive is better. I don't know if this helps you any but i was once just as confused but just knowing I wasn't the only one helped me alot.
 
Well I keep reading and reading on this site of others experiences and I keep admiring my incredible husband who is willing (if not keen) to support me in having a closer relationship with this man.

There are some things that sound so lovely to me, mainly being able to talk for hours with him, and to cuddle and be affectionate with him. When the three of us are together I feel so happy and I love the way they talk to one another (they were best friends for a long time and I kind of got in the way) and the way they both flirt with and tease me.

But.. I find so many things that I read about poly relationships just don't mesh with the life my husband and I have created together. We have a policy of total honesty and love to share all our thoughts with one another, I worry that there would be things that I would end up not being able to tell. We share every moment together that we possibly can and would never want to spend less time together so I couldn't face sharing him with anyone else at all because I would see him less and I don't see as much as I want to of him as it is.
We have built such an intensely close, fulfilling, exciting and loving relationship and we talk about everything and share all our experiences and feelings. I think I'm spending more and more time lately thinking that I don't want to have anything taken away from that. I don't want to have experiences away from him and seperate from him. He's my sweetheart and I love him and miss him dreadfully when we're apart.
I'm just finding myself swinging wildly from desire to spend time talking with my ex and seeing where that could go, and desire to just cut off all contact with him, let my feelings subside before we all see each other again and focus everything back on my husband.
 
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Its been kind of complicated by something for me lately. I've always been fascinated by BDSM specifically being submissive and have had only a couple of vague experiences with it before I met my husband. My husband has always known about my desires but has struggled with the confidence to try to explore this area with me. Lately he's bought some books to read and he's really trying to think through his feelings about it all and find areas that arouse the both of us. So we're really inexperienced and lacking in time (because of having two small children) so our explorations are going very slowly and we're spending much more time talking than actually doing anything. Which is just the way I like it for now but sometimes I feel a little impatient.

However this year we found out kind of by accident that our friend (my ex) is interested in this too and in the summer when he came visiting for my birthday he teased me a little and made a few dominant type overtures to me which set my heart racing. Its been a great encouragement to my hubby, seeing the way I reacted made him feel more confident to approach this side of things with me himself but I am wondering how much of my feelings for our friend have come from this reaction.. and if so can they be genuine feelings of attraction or is it just a fascination?

Hi, I'm Confused and I tend to overthink stuff..
 
Hi Confused,

Sounds like you have an awesome relationship there ! Hope it continues to grow and get better for both.
Couple comments........

We have a policy of total honesty and love to share all our thoughts with one another, I worry that there would be things that I would end up not being able to tell.
Understandable concern but probably overemphasized. It's not a conflict to have private pieces of ourselves that we just don't share - maybe with anyone. Part of being an individual. From what you present I doubt that anything that needed and deserved to be "shared" would end up suppressed.


Confused; said:
We share every moment together that we possibly can and would never want to spend less time together so I couldn't face sharing him with anyone else at all because I would see him less and I don't see as much as I want to of him as it is.
We have built such an intensely close, fulfilling, exciting and loving relationship and we talk about everything and share all our experiences and feelings. I think I'm spending more and more time lately thinking that I don't want to have anything taken away from that. I don't want to have experiences away from him and seperate from him.

It seems here that you and husband will lean more towards relationships that include both of you as opposed to each having separate relationships. Personally I like that - prefer that - myself (ourselves - mate & I). Something about it is just more connecting for everyone. Then only complexity in that may be if you each tend to lean towards or be attracted to different personality/interest types. Then sometimes it's hard to meet someone who clicks with you both. But it's absolutely possible !

Just a thought though on your comment about wanting to spend "every minute" available together etc. This CAN be signs of dependency - or lead to it - so I'd just be a little careful about that (and honest with myself). Having a little "space" of our own is really necessary & healthy. Like so many other things - balance is the key.

Good luck ! Enjoy the journey.

GS
 
Thankyou so much for your reply, I'm so grateful for the space to work out my feelings and very grateful for any response to help me work through whats going on.

Hi Confused,

Just a thought though on your comment about wanting to spend "every minute" available together etc. This CAN be signs of dependency - or lead to it - so I'd just be a little careful about that (and honest with myself).

GS

I would agree with you that certainly earlier in our relationship I was very dependent on my husband. Things are different now, I want to spend every minute possible with him mainly because we don't get much of it I think. We have two small children around all day long and he often works evenings so we tend to get 4 evenings out of 9 to be alone together. I've worked a lot on myself this last couple of years and am finally making strides in accepting myself and liking myself without being entirely dependent on how he feels about me for my self esteem. But he's just so darn lovely to be around..
 
We have two small children around all day long and he often works evenings so we tend to get 4 evenings out of 9 to be alone together. I've worked a lot on myself this last couple of years and am finally making strides in accepting myself and liking myself without being entirely dependent on how he feels about me for my self esteem. But he's just so darn lovely to be around..

4 out of 9 is far from excessive I think <chuckle> But just keep TALKING - letting him know how much you value that time. But try to be fair also and acknowledge that within that limitation (4) there may be desires for both of you to pursue some self interests too. The more you talk about such things the less likely someone will come away with a feeling of being rejected, ignored or trapped by over-dependence.
Make sense ?

:)
 
Well I don't have any updates or anything other than that I'm enjoying just chatting with my ex sometimes and occasionally flirting. He's so busy that he doesn't reply to emails as promptly as I might like which sometimes leads me to pout a little but when we do talk on the phone we make each other laugh and we have fun. I don't need any more than that, but it will be interesting to see where this leads over the next year or few.. if its just to make me appreciate him more as a friend well that was a great outcome. I wish we could all meet up in person and chat though, I haven't seen him since last summer when we had the initial realisation that just maybe all of us would be up for some kind of extracurricular activity together..

I have been going over and over in my head how I would feel if my husband was interested in someone else, and I really feel that this is something I need to work on because I just don't like being this person who is asking something of her partner that she couldn't give back. I've come to the conclusion that if I imagine him being with a really close friend of mine that it doesn't feel half so bad which is interesting. My husband thinks I'm nuts for even thinking about it and tells me he has zero desire to ever be with anyone else, but I think for my own self esteem I need to at least explore these emotions some more.

The other thing that occurred to me recently was that one of the ideas that stays with me as I read this forum is a quote from the book Passionate Marriage, something like "Love is not saying to your partner, if you love me you'll live within my limitations."
 
Love is

You sound like you are doing great and making good progress :D Putting yourelf in your partner's shoes, looking at things from his perspective is
an excellent practise to keep up - Bravo

QUOTE:"The other thing that occurred to me recently was that one of the ideas that stays with me as I read this forum is a quote from the book Passionate Marriage, something like "Love is not saying to your partner, if you love me you'll live within my limitations." "

You are absolutely right. Love is more than that of course it is completely unselfish. Putting your partners needs, wants and feelings ahead of your own. Being willing to sacrafice for them and nor regret it or hesitate. This is part of how I define love but for this to work both persons have to be doing it the same for each other - then you know your needs will be met by your partner(s) just as theirs will be met by you. Giving it your all and having the faith in love that your lover will not let you fall. I don't know about anyone else but this is the way my heart works.

To address another quote : "Love means never having to say you'e sorry."
This quote ONLY applies if you've never done anything to apologise for.
 
I have been going over and over in my head how I would feel if my husband was interested in someone else, and I really feel that this is something I need to work on because I just don't like being this person who is asking something of her partner that she couldn't give back. I've come to the conclusion that if I imagine him being with a really close friend of mine that it doesn't feel half so bad which is interesting. My husband thinks I'm nuts for even thinking about it and tells me he has zero desire to ever be with anyone else, but I think for my own self esteem I need to at least explore these emotions some more.

I can identify with this. We're in the same boat as far as having husbands who work a lot and don't have much extra time/energy for relationships, ours or others. So I sometimes feel hypocritical when I say that I want a girlfriend, but I'm not that comfortable with him having one. Because right now, I feel like he's already spread so thin between work (new job, long hours, extra schmoozing to impress the bosses), his wife (me), and his daughter (teenager from a previous relationship, 2 hour drive out of town) that if he added a girlfriend into the mix, there'd nothing substantial left for anyone. Meanwhile, I have time to sit around playing on Facebook and watching TV while still getting all my schoolwork done early, so I figure that as long as I don't cut into our already scant time, it's not a "double standard." If our situation were to change and he started working shorter hours or closer to home, and he actually expressed a desire for polyamory, then I would be quite willing to work that out when the time comes.

So when you're sitting at home 5/9 nights a week, wanting some love and attention, it's easy to understand where your feelings are coming from of wanting to share your love with someone else while not wanting to share what little time you do get with him.
 
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Meanwhile, I have time to sit around playing on Facebook and watching TV while still getting all my schoolwork done early, so I figure that as long as I don't cut into our already scant time, it's not a "double standard." If our situation were to change and he started working shorter hours or closer to home, and he actually expressed a desire for polyamory, then I would be quite willing to work that out when the time comes.

So when you're sitting at home 5/9 nights a week, wanting some love and attention, it's easy to understand where your feelings are coming from of wanting to share your love with someone else while not wanting to share what little time you do get with him.

If being poly is about making sure you can get as much attention as possible, then sure, I suppose that's a good approach.

For me, it still seems like a double standard. I look at poly relationships in terms of who I love, not in terms of how space I have in my life for attention.
 
If being poly is about making sure you can get as much attention as possible, then sure, I suppose that's a good approach.

For me, it still seems like a double standard. I look at poly relationships in terms of who I love, not in terms of how space I have in my life for attention.

Oh dear, I certainly didn't mean to imply that polyamory for me is just about getting as much attention as possible. I, too, look at poly relationships in terms of whom I love.

What I meant was, I think it's important for a person to make sure they have time for a poly relationship before starting one. I.e. make sure you are able to take care of the needs of the people you already love, so that they won't suffer if you take on another relationship. If you're in a situation where your loved ones already wish they could spend more time with you, then (unless they're overly needy, which is a separate issue) you need to make sure you meet that need rather than biting off more than you can chew.

On the flip side, if you're in a relationship with someone who is "married to their job" with no intention of changing that, and you find yourself developing feelings for someone else, then it's natural to want to act on them. Not as a substitute for what you really want from your first partner, but as a means to a more fulfilling romantic life.
 
Oh dear, I certainly didn't mean to imply that polyamory for me is just about getting as much attention as possible. I, too, look at poly relationships in terms of whom I love.

What I meant was, I think it's important for a person to make sure they have time for a poly relationship before starting one. I.e. make sure you are able to take care of the needs of the people you already love, so that they won't suffer if you take on another relationship. If you're in a situation where your loved ones already wish they could spend more time with you, then (unless they're overly needy, which is a separate issue) you need to make sure you meet that need rather than biting off more than you can chew.

On the flip side, if you're in a relationship with someone who is "married to their job" with no intention of changing that, and you find yourself developing feelings for someone else, then it's natural to want to act on them. Not as a substitute for what you really want from your first partner, but as a means to a more fulfilling romantic life.

I understood what you meant. I also understood your frustration too. Its all such a fine balance isn't it?
 
What I meant was, I think it's important for a person to make sure they have time for a poly relationship before starting one. I.e. make sure you are able to take care of the needs of the people you already love, so that they won't suffer if you take on another relationship. If you're in a situation where your loved ones already wish they could spend more time with you, then (unless they're overly needy, which is a separate issue) you need to make sure you meet that need rather than biting off more than you can chew.

That certainly makes sense. I have come across quite a few people who desire polyamorous relationships because they simply need more attention than one person can give them even in the best of times. I've noticed it's pretty difficult to keep balance if that's a large force at play in the relationship.

But it certainly is true that people can only effectively commit to what they have time to commit to, especially in relationships.

On the flip side, if you're in a relationship with someone who is "married to their job" with no intention of changing that, and you find yourself developing feelings for someone else, then it's natural to want to act on them. Not as a substitute for what you really want from your first partner, but as a means to a more fulfilling romantic life.

I see what you mean here. However I definitely believe that sustaining multiple relationships works best when all relationships involved are healthy and whole. I was approached for dating once by a guy who wanted to date me because his girlfriend "wasn't sexually adventurous enough to satisfy him". My reaction is, "Well if "x" is important to you and you're in a relationship in which your partner isn "x" enough for you, then why are you in the relationship?" We all make compromises in any relationship we enter, but I'm certainly not going to compromise something I find important in one relationship simply because I believe I can find it in another relationship.

(I don't think this is what you were implying, but I think it's an important distinction to make for people who are new to poly)
 
However I definitely believe that sustaining multiple relationships works best when all relationships involved are healthy and whole. I was approached for dating once by a guy who wanted to date me because his girlfriend "wasn't sexually adventurous enough to satisfy him". My reaction is, "Well if "x" is important to you and you're in a relationship in which your partner isn "x" enough for you, then why are you in the relationship?" We all make compromises in any relationship we enter, but I'm certainly not going to compromise something I find important in one relationship simply because I believe I can find it in another relationship.

(I don't think this is what you were implying, but I think it's an important distinction to make for people who are new to poly)

I definitely don't agree with "wanted to date me because his girlfriend," as in "I would normally be monogamous but she's not enough for me, which causes me to date around" ... but there are some activities/features that I like in a partner which are not deal-breakers if they're missing, and if I'm dating other people anyway, why not try to find someone who does have those features?

Some people will only date people who are "perfect" for them; others are willing to make a lot of compromise in order to have companionship while they wait for "perfect" to come along. I don't believe there's an objective right and a wrong here, just right and wrong for different people. And if you're just seeing someone "for now," then as long as you're not misleading them into thinking it's "going somewhere" then I don't see a problem with it. When I was single, I would date some people who were definitely not long-term material, but what's wrong with enjoying someone's company and mutually satisfying emotional and sexual needs? Again, as long as everything's open and out on the table...
 
I definitely don't agree with "wanted to date me because his girlfriend," as in "I would normally be monogamous but she's not enough for me, which causes me to date around" ... but there are some activities/features that I like in a partner which are not deal-breakers if they're missing, and if I'm dating other people anyway, why not try to find someone who does have those features?

The situation I described involved an openly long-time poly guy who's partner was also poly. I'm certainly all for variety. Different people appeal to different parts of me. And I think you're entirely right about getting certain things from some partners that you don't get from others. I don't quite see that as a *lack* really. But I have noticed that people that even some poly people seek out relationships because of a *lack* in their current relationships. That can be a bit of a red flag for me. If I have a partner, it's because I *want* to be with them and I would want partners who *want* to be with me, not settle for me because they can get the bits they're missing elsewhere.

That's not quite the same as only dating people who are "perfect" for me.

(but now we're a bit off topic from the thread :) )
 
I don't mind OT conversation if nobody else does :)

I would be happy to be with my husband and only my husband forever, we have had a wonderful 11 years together so far. We are limited on time together, but its not my husband's choice to work in the evenings, its just the nature of his job and I know he misses me as much as I miss him when we can't be together.

But this friend and ex, I have always had feelings for and always very much wanted to keep as a friend. I broke up with him in the first place because I fell hard for someone else, not because I didn't love him. I hurt him very much.

I wouldn't be looking for someone else to love, but he's there and I already love him. I want him in my life forever and would rather that was as a friend than risk everything for a romantic connection. But if I could have a bit of both.. well that would seem like a dream come true.
 
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