First Times

KharmaCanuck

New member
I learn best, and am most comfortable - in any situation - if I have some vague notion what to expect. My fiancee (and the one who introduced me to this idea) has been very supportive in sharing her thoughts and feelings on the subject.

But I'd like to hear about others experiences with polyamory. Did you go looking, fall into it by circumstance, or were you introduced. How did the first time go? Were there pre-event butterflys? Did your partner show/share jealousy or some other emotion? Are there things you'd do different? What pit-falls could us noobs easily avoid if we had your experience?

Thanks in advance... I look forward to hearing your stories.
 
Hi there!

I sort of fell into it. An engaged friend of mine initiated a relationship with me. It turned out to be fairly unhealthy and ended pretty miserably. Some red flags...

Not properly communicating desires/limits with each other
Placing excessive rules on outside relationships
Attempting to isolate a partner
People not willing to meet you halfway
Partners who give you none or very little power in the decisionmaking of your relationship
Metamours who don't welcome you
metamours who refuse to work through their own problems
People not wanting to give your relationship a label even after being together for months
Highly closeted folks

There are plenty more. Not all apply equally to everyone. There are plenty of good things too. Just tread carefully.
 
Sorry. The water streaming down my back is from the wet still behind my ears. What's Metamours?
 
Whoops, sorry

A metamour is your significant other's lover/spouse/partner. One with whom you are not romantically involved. It's an important relationship, nonetheless. There should be a thread around here with some acronyms and shit... Hmmm, check the stickies.
 
try this sticky found at the top of the "new to polyamory" sectionWe had a thread about this before I think. I can't find it... not tagged I guess. I think I was thinking of this one actually How you changed when you opened to poly?

I came out as poly back when it was called non-monogamous around these here parts. I was a lesbian living with my then wife. We decided to open our relationship to other women and I found a man instead. We tried to live as a triad together and then as a vee, but she was mono and I wasn't and neither was my boyfriend, now husband. She moved on to other things and stayed very close to us both after some major work together.
 
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My first experience with multiple simultaneous loves (described in my blog thread) I just sort of fell into naturally. In my naivete, I thought I was alone in how I felt; that one could love more than one person at a time. As stupid as it seems now, I once the only alternatives to monogamy were polygamy and swinging. I was happy to learn that I'm not alone, and have never been happier about being wrong.
 
Not properly communicating desires/limits with each other
Placing excessive rules on outside relationships
Attempting to isolate a partner
People not willing to meet you halfway
Partners who give you none or very little power in the decisionmaking of your relationship
Metamours who don't welcome you
metamours who refuse to work through their own problems
People not wanting to give your relationship a label even after being together for months
Highly closeted folks

That seems to be a useful list, for all types of relationships even. It must have been hard to have been launched into a situation with any of these problems on your first introduction to polyamory, but its hopeful to see you've come out of that quite well.
 
I knew about polyamory from friends, but my spouse encouraged us to try it in order to get his needs met.

What didn't work well: his desire to move quickly, and thus I missed out on time to really sort out what would work for me and what would not. This was frustrating for both of us, and was impeded by poor communication skills. Also, trust was somewhat lacking, because my spouse had had affairs in the past. We didn't agree on the boundaries very often and I rarely felt safe, especially in the beginning. I felt that I needed a lot of boundaries in order to know what to expect might happen. I also tried to place boundaries instead of asking for respect around specific needs. He would have prefered not to have any boundaries at all. I was often emotionally exhausted trying to cope with the amount of change constantly happening, and it made me much less articulate than I am capable of. I needed a lot of support, and didn't reach out as extensively as I might have. I was also not firm about getting my needs met, because I was afraid it might end our marriage.

What did work well: he was very supportive of my first experience with someone else. I think occasionally, he experienced some surprise at his feelings, but didn't display a lot of jealousy and seemed genuinely happy for me. Compounding this, although my lover was also inexperienced, my metamour was not, and she has been our friend for quite some time. There was a lot of trust already there. She supported us all in that particular transition. My lover and my metamour also had clear expectations and desires, making it easy to decide if I wanted to be part of their lives in that way or not.

What else worked well: helping choose my spouse's lovers, and having open communication with them. Not that I set him up on dates, but that when he expressed an interest in someone, I felt better about it if I were encouraging and aware of what was going on from the beginning. I once brought in one of his lovers from out of town for a surprise visit, and I really enjoyed meeting up with them later in the day and seeing how happy he was.

Good luck, and good for you for gathering information first.
 
With our first and so far only real poly relationship we kind of just fell into it. We meet this fellow and before we even knew about the term polyamory we had formed a pretty solid triangle relationship. It lasted for about 4 to 5 years before the economy and our diffrent companies broke us up. Our partners company transfered him and he had to take the position or lose his job and we tried to keep it going but the costs of travel and just finding the time did not work out at all. We had a few jealousy issues and other things but we always talked them out and all went to bed happy.
 
Not properly communicating desires/limits with each other
Placing excessive rules on outside relationships
Attempting to isolate a partner
People not willing to meet you halfway
Partners who give you none or very little power in the decision making of your relationship
Metamours who don't welcome you
metamours who refuse to work through their own problems
People not wanting to give your relationship a label even after being together for months
Highly closeted folks

I would add unwilling to put you in touch with metamours as well as that could indicate lying and cheating.
 
Did you go looking, fall into it by circumstance, or were you introduced.

All three :D! No, actually, I started out looking for a triad situation on OkCupid, and thought things were going well, but the couple bailed on me after our first get-to-together - never gave an explanation.

I met a guy through the local poly group who had two relationships already, and we saw each other for a while, but things came to an abrupt end. However, he did introduce me to VanillaIce (a former sub of his) which makes the whole brief thing with him totally worthwhile :).

In the meanwhile, I quite accidentally developed feelings for a man in my gaming group, which I hated myself for, him being married and all. Sweetheart's wife struggled with the idea, and since I have yet to receive the "all clear" from her, I think of my relationship with Sweetheart more of as an online long-distance crush because the sexual side of things is lacking due to his commitment to his wife (that is the least of our problems, but that's off-topicky).

I met the Sweets (Moonlight and Windy) through the local poly group aswell, and although I was originally a bit hesitant because of my earlier experience with a couple, it turns out my triad dream was to come true after all :)!

Are there things you'd do different? What pit-falls could us noobs easily avoid if we had your experience?

Considering how well everything's gone so far, I don't know if I would do anything differently as much as maybe change my emotional orientation a bit. Not everyone you chat with, meet up or even have sex with is going to be your life-long partner, even if they seem to have great potential. Sometimes there is just not enough time, or you don't really fit well together, or the attraction isn't mutual. I find I really make time for the connections that matter to me most.

If dating isn't working out for you, take a break. Don't categorize people into "this will work out in the long-term and this will not" boxes; love requires an element of surprise. Don't have a strict list of expectations as to gender, relationship type, location, life situation etc. for your future partners. Hang out with polyfolks, either virtually, or even better, IRL. Watch/read polyfriendly material - seemingly trivial but it will help you feel more normal and see the possibilities out there.

Be very clear, once you enter into a relationship, what it is that you can expect. How many times can you expect to see them per week? What would you normally do? How much sex can you expect? Use primary/secondary/tertiary language if need be. It's nonmonogamous but is it open, closed, swinging, FWB, play partners only or what? Self-educate.

Bring up problems immediately when they arise. Even the slightest wicker of insecurity will grow to monstrous proportions if you let it fester. And don't trust you emotions - ask what kind of a position you have in the life of your partner(s), don't go by gut feeling. Have that in writing if need be, so you can revisit when insecurity and jealousy raises it's ugly head again.

Trust what people tell you - if they are lying, it's on them, not you. Don't agree on stuff you are not comfortable with only to regret it later. If you have a repetitive pattern of mis-communication, recognize it and change it. If you or your partner feel a need to introduce a specific boundary, be very clear on why it is needed - what insecurity or fear does it cater to? Don't cling to old boundaries just because you agreed to them a while ago. Also learn to recognize red flags, some of which ray and BG listed already. Know your limits - what are your dealbreakers when it comes to relationships?
 
Thanks everyone for sharing. I don't have as much time to spend online at this stuff as I'd like and it took me a while to get back to this but am very happy with the quality and quantity of responses.

Lots of food for thought. Thanks again.
 
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