redpepper
Active member
This thread gives some really interesting insight into the possible history of poly. When I read it my confusion lifted a little. Some people are purists I think and others enjoy divisions...
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But as I got older, I have come to enjoy my solitude and independence, although there are times I am quite lonesome. A poly tribe, or big poly family, is nothing I would ever want, whether there were kids in the equation or not. Maybe if I were still in my 20s or 30s, I'd be into it - but now in my 50s?
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For me, the ethical aspect of polyamory - honesty, communication, that everyone involved with me knows about the other people I'm involved with - is paramount in defining polyamory. The ethical aspect is what makes polyamory different. Without openness and honesty, it's cheating.%
Sorry I didn't thank you, SoCal, for your comment sooner. I do love it when my "brilliance" is acknowledged!This is brilliant. There have been plenty of insights in the thread, but I think this one really cuts through all the semantics and gets to the heart of the matter.I think it is a tiresome exercise when people struggle with "am I poly or not?" Well, I don't think that's as important as asking what kind of relationships you want in your life and how to create them.
I'm a little confused by your "married vs. cohabiting" statement. Could you elaborate?Divisions I have noticed first hand;
. . . Interestingly enough, married folks vs. co-habiting folks. Specifically, some people who are co-habiting have little understanding towards poly folks co-habiting and deciding to marry despite having other relationships.
. . . People with children and people who hate/fear children
agree with you this far...When I say I do not identify as polyamorous, I mean that I don't see people as wired that way. I'm just saying that I choose to live polyamorously. That's all.
and here I part from you. The fact that it is a choice does not stop it being an identity. I chose to become a Quaker, but that is now part of my identity. Likewise I more recently chose to identify as poly: the word represents a whole set of choices I have made since 1985 (many of them before the word 'polyamory' even existed).I disagree that polyamory is something you identify as, like a gender or sexual orientation.
Here I agree with you again. If someone is struggling with "am I poly?" then the most helpful response is "well do you want to be?".I think it is a tiresome exercise when people struggle with "am I poly or not?" Well, I don't think that's as important as asking what kind of relationships you want in your life and how to create them.
Polyamory differs from various other forms of non-monogamy in that it explicitly emphasizes loving relationships, as contrasted with sex and sexuality. This distinguishes poly relationships from "f**kbuddies" and most which go by the term "friends with benefits," as well as "casual" ... "one night stands".
Most poly folk are not happy to have the term "polyamory" eroded or degraded to mean just anything anyone wants to use this term for.
In short, for those who like academic soundbites: being poly is a chosen identity, not a determined one.
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I do believe it is possible for someone to choose to be poly, structure their relationships in a poly fashion, or identify as poly. However you'd like to put it.
But there are some for whom it is not a choice. What proof do you want? Well, me. Unless you are referring to choosing poly over cheating or serial monogamy for the rest of my life. That's about the only choice I have over how I deal with falling in love ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME.
I'm a little confused by your "married vs. cohabiting" statement. Could you elaborate?´
Also I hope you don't consider all people who are childfree by choice, as I am, to be hateful toward or afraid of children.
It didn't mention poly no... poly history started similarly it seems. That is what I meant.How is the other thread a possible history of polyamory?
Have to disagree with you, here. (And NYC's similar sentiment; can't be bothered to multiquote on iPad.)
I do believe it is possible for someone to choose to be poly, structure their relationships in a poly fashion, or identify as poly. However you'd like to put it.
But there are some for whom it is not a choice. What proof do you want? Well, me. Unless you are referring to choosing poly over cheating or serial monogamy for the rest of my life. That's about the only choice I have over how I deal with falling in love ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME.
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I readily admit that, as with sexual orientation, poly vs. mono probably has a spectrum: some are hardwired mono, some could choose to live either way, and some are hardwired poly.
The comparison that comes to mind is the reluctance of some of the gay community to accept bisexuality. There are gay folks out there, for whatever reason, who do not readily accept bisexuality. Lets not forget a few of the ignorant heterosexual crowd who believe bisexuals are just "confused" and haven't made up their minds yet. The community strives for acceptance because they still face a great deal of prejudice. Showing the world how "normal" they are perhaps means rejecting some of the variation that comes with sexual identity. It's sad really and I don't know what the solution is.
Let's not have any of this amongst poly people? We can accept those who are poly, polyflexible, by identity and those who feel it as a conscious choice, surely? None of these is "better" than any other, nor are any of us "better" than mono peope. Just different.
Well THAT would be nice ! I think they call that 'Live, and let live.'
... and don't any of you ever forget that.
I call it "minding my own fucking business" but that's because i'm negative and cynical and hypercritical, and don't any of you ever forget that.