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Old 03-19-2013, 06:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,267

Glad it helped some to break it into bullet list. Sounds like there were updates to the situation though. Is this where it is at? (Again, I could guess wrong... so correct where necessary. You know your reality best over there.)
  • Ray decided he was done in triad and asked me to be with only him.
  • I told him I was not willing to be only with him. I wanted to be in relationship with Jason still.
  • We all talked, it was a relief to air out.
  • But the bottom line? Given the triad limits of "all in triad, there's no V happening" from before? That leaves us at
    • (me + jason) still in romantic relationship.
    • ray is broken up with us as a romantic partner.

Before jumping the gun, I could CONFIRM with Ray and Jason that YES -- there will be no V thing here with me as hinge. this is NOT the problem of "how do we learn to go from triad to healthy V shape?" but the problem of "How do we go from triad to one couple left and a good ex-friend person?"

  • I need help coping with the loss of romantic relationship with Ray. I do not have to lose Ray in my life, but the romantic relationship has come to a close with him. Even if welcome by me, it is a loss to process.
  • I need help in coping with the loss of Ray's financial support.
  • I need help in coping with the loss of Ray's emotional support. Even if we end up as good friends, in this "transition time" it gets too weird to be asking him to comfort me as I process the stages of grief for the loss of the romance I shared once with him. It's too close for comfort.

  • I could talk to partners (done/doing)
  • I could talk to friends/family
  • I could talk online
  • I could secure a counselor for extra support

  • I could avoid taking on stressy extra things (ex: choosing to also be dog sitting for a pal right now)
  • I could take actions so SOME things are being done (ex: look at flat rentals)

  • I could take a bubble bath, book a massage, take a walk, etc.
  • Eat, sleep right.

  • I could do my spiritual practice things that I do


I also need help maintaining my boundaries in the other direction. HE will be processing his own journey through the stages of grief. He might be "bargaining stage" when he tells me things like this and I could be aware of that:

We've been talking and he's willing to work on us and help me and feels I owe it to him and our relationship to try
Ray doesn't want me to see Jason and said he would be ok if I left him and wanted to work on myself and heal myself and find happiness,
(You actually don't owe it to him or the relationship to try... if it comes against your own willingness. You owe it to yourself to be true to yourself and asking you to go against your heart's willingness is what? Not you loving you, and not him loving you. Maybe finding your happiness IS with Jason -- Ray does not get to dictate that. Ray's hurting so could be generous and forgive it but don't lose sight of that for yourself -- that he could be in "bargaining stage" and struggling to find a way to digest the change and talking emotional stuff and not making sense. )
  • I want to be firm but kind to him in his process.
  • I do not want to get back together. I could hold the limit. Gently remind him it is done, the limit is there.
  • I just want both of us process the break up in healthy ways and be ok together as exes and friends.
  • I could talk to Ray about HOW we want to process this break up together in a healthy way and monitor each of us going through the stages of grief.

  • I want to slow things down with Jason to give me the space I need to process through my grief and deal with Ray's grief coming at me in the other direction in appopriate ways.
  • I could ask Jason for some time -- a month of limiting it to email contact and face time on weekends for lunch or something. But go easy on the other days this first month post break up because I still live with my / our ex and that's weird enough.
  • I could make sure to set me up in a flat of my own for at least a year post break up.
  • I could make sure I am appropriately supportive of Jason moving through his stages of grief also. Ray is ALSO his ex.

  • I could remember each player in the process is unique, and will process different than me. Less/more time, different was of expression, etc.
  • I could remember the triad polyship time has landed/is over Each crew member has the right to walk away safely into new times.
  • In my own sensitive time, I could try extra hard not to take anything personally as the people around me deal with their grief process.


We live in the same home and shared a life like a married couple. Our families love each-other and everything is shared. What do I do now?
I could confirm the outcome goals with Ray are these kinds of things:
  • Part ways in a good way.
  • Set up your own flat, bank accounts, etc.
  • Be APPROPRIATELY supporting each other in the stages of grief process.
  • Share the news with the extended family and ask for their patience and support in this time.

Then once firm on the goals/plan I could start checking off the tasks to accomplish the goals:

Call our people and tell them that we have broken up, check rentals, etc.
Ask them for things they could do -- make meals, help pack, lend general support as we try to be good exes and friends.


DO NOT GET SUCKED BACK IN with Ray if you feel happiest long term NOT being in relationship any more. Even if it takes short term break up suckage feelings to process -- be true to your heart and to yourself.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH JASON. Even if later you end up sleep over lots? Maintain your own place and independence at least for a year to get your bearings. If something goes wrong with Jason later down (while I hope it does not) the last thing you need is another "break up + move all my stuff elsewhere" experience so close together.

You are responsible for your own best healths.

Those would be my suggestions. Edit at will.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-20-2013 at 02:39 AM.
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