Love, Family, Friendship

Talking it out

So all my closest friends came over last night to talk to me and they made me feel a lot better.

Im not sure if T and I are still a couple, but she wants us to get to know each other better. I don't even know how to do that, and when F is always around when she is, we get no alone time, though we did cuddle on the couch a bit today, but I initiated it and Im afraid to initiate anything, even kisses. Ive asked her for her boundaries but she hasnt responded.

I want to be more intimate with T and it drives me nuts that she wont even talk to me about what she wants and where she is comfortable because that is all I want is for her to be comfortable in our relationship.

I want to help her discover her boundaries without pushing and Im not sure how to do that. She says she doesnt know what they are.

Im thinking about getting her something with a claddagh symbol on it, it means love loyalty and friendship. I know where I can get a ring cheap but Im not sure I want it to be a ring. That may be a little much for a new relationship.
 
A scary confession

Since I am going to reveal this to my lovers tomorrow for us to make a joint decision, I will post out my thoughts here first, F prefers me to have all my "ducks in a row" before I come to him with something.

I dont know what to do. I found out my birth control - nuvaring - doesnt kick in immediately like I thought, it takes 7 days if you dont put it in right after your period. So I put it in Monday, so it will apparently kick in next monday, on the 26th. I figured out I ovulated today or yesterday. Ive had unprotected (unknown to me until today) sex with F, both last night and the night before and I know he will want to tonight. I can brush off and not have sex tonight, or get him to not come in me, but If I ovulated yesterday, the likely hood that I am pregnant is high, both times I got pregnant, I had sex the day of ovulation, I usually avoid when Im not protected, but I thought I was. Now I have the possibility of being pregnant, with about a 70% chance, considering that I had unprotected sex on the day of, no matter when it happened. As far as I know Everytime I had sex within 12 hours, Ive gotten pregnant. I know Ive had a few "missed miscarriages" since my cycle is so perfect, when it is off, I likely was pregnant for a few days, says my doc anyway.

I'm not going to let it happen again and just up the chances, but if it has happened I would want all of us, including T, to have a say in what happens. I could go with herbs or the morning after pill (you actually have like 72 hours), but I know F believes that things like that are wrong, but I also know he doesnt want kids at all right now, though he does in the future.

I already took herbs as a precaution once, and it really upset F, I didnt tell him what was going on and we ended up in a big fight about it. I feel so bad, I kinda want to go get the morning after pill anyway, and just not tell any of them, I know that the egg hasnt implanted yet and wont for like a week, so to me, that isnt abortion, but to F it is. Even not knowing if it happened and taking precautions to prevent implantation, like I did with the herbs (im an herbalist) makes F upset, but If I do get that positive, it will upset everyone, especially John, because he wants to have another kid but I wont because he wont be around. That is why I put in my ring.

I know I need to know what I want and have a clear argument for it and I know no matter what this is going to cause problems, even if Im not pregnant. Should I just shutup about it until I find out if I am or not, because even if Im not, it will cause a big upset. If I am, John will still be here when I find out. I can test on the 1st, my period will be due on the 4th, and John doesnt leave until the 14th

This is going to go to the main boards, I need some insight
 
One down...

I told John about the possibility that I am pregnant with F's kid. he was upset, but he said it has always been a possibility and he isnt gong anywhere and he is behind me no matter what I do. He is also against me preventing anything from happening.

We decided that if Im not, I get an IUD ASAP. That should prevent me from having this happen again until the situation is right for F or John.

Ive found myself hoping I am on some levels, I guess that is the natural way for it to work, survival of the baby and the race and such. Im still waiting to talk to F about it, and Im afraid of that discussion, but I kinda want to be pregnant, not because its his kid, just because Ive found myself wanting another baby.

After the scary discussion with John was over, I felt like it would all be ok if I was. It made me want it, knowing there isnt going to be a big huge problem in mine and John's relationship

Right now the thought of putting in an iud saddens me. I know Im messed up emotionally because of the change in my meds, but I also know that right now, if John was going to be home for a little while, we would try to have a kid.

Maybe Im just messed up because the doc changed my meds
 
Hey there, great that it worked out for now and that you don't have to face this alone. But ...

We decided that if Im not, I get an IUD ASAP.

[...] just because Ive found myself wanting another baby.

Right now the thought of putting in an iud saddens me.

This worries me. You say 'we' but I can't see this mutual agreement later on. If this saddens you, if you don't want this to happen to your body and to your possibilities and if you want a child, you should have said so to him. Some commented on the 'super big problem' thread that they see some things that rose some red flags in their opinion. I think it was about this 'getting attention' you mentioned twice or thrice. Are you able to speak your mind when you have conversations with them? Or do you tend to keep those important thoughts to yourself? If yes, why? You haven't messed up anything. Something like that can happen and both of them should start by searching their own faults before they begin to count yours.
 
Its not just up to me

If I could have a kid right now, if I had someone who was going to be around an wanted to have a kid with me, I would do it, but F doesnt want one and John wont be around.

I am hoping I am pregnant and I think that if Im not its going to upset me, and its something Im not sure if I can handle or not. And I wont be able to go to F about it, and John will be gone.

How f'd up am I.

The good thing is John and I were having trouble reconnecting and we figured out what I problem was, quite simple actually. We were trying to fit ourselves into an old mold of what our relationship was "suppose" to be, instead of letting it be what it wants to be. We have to realize that we change and our relationship must change too

Im down at JOhn;s parents house for the week, and Im really missing home, and F and T and my friends and Im really upset about a lit of stuff, and I keep trying to remind myself that if I am pregnant and I want to keep the baby I need to be calm.

Ive been upset a lot lately, and I wonder if it is just my medicine or if im actually loosing control. Or I guess it doesnt matter why im loosing control, just that I am.

I want to curl up and sleep until the 4th. It would be best for me to not have to deal with anything until I can find out if Im pregnant or not. And I feel bad hoping that I am.

I want to have the can we please have kids talk with F, but I know its way too early for us to think that long term together. We are going to talk about getting handfasted in about two months, then I guess I can see about putting a time frame on children. I really want to be done with kids by the time Im 30. But I do want more. I know Ive got a few years, but still.

In my magical world of everything I want, Id either be pregnant now (best option) or F would be okay with us having a kid if it happened to happen. Not that I want to track and OPK and try to have a kid, but to be open to it happening. but I know we are a ways from that. I know Im not thinking right right now.

Im so messed up. I want to scream and I want to cry and i want to... I dont know. Something. Anything, nothing.

Im so stressed, cant be if Im wanting to be and stay pregnant. Maybe I shouldn't want to be, but now that its a real possibility Im hoping it is, that it happened. Maybe that makes me a bad person.
 
You're certainly not a bad person for wanting a child with a loved partner! I know the timing is poor for all involved but wanting to be pregnant even in a complicated situation is not wrong.

Have you told your doc about a possible pregnancy? Some bipolar meds are not safe for pregnant women or their babies.

*hugs*
 
I see a woman's health Psychologist, all the meds Im on are safe for pregnancy and I even take a ton of folic acid to counteract any negatives of the meds. .4mg is what you are "suppose" to take as a pregnant woman. I take 3mg every day.
 
I have been told I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. Im not sure exactly how Ive changed, and I dont know if I can "fix" it and become at least one who makes my lovers happy. If not who I was.

I know that I have been swinging crazy lately, and I know its taking a toll on F. I want to be the one who makes him happy like I did when we got together, but I dont even know what about me made him happy. Hes close to his breaking point, so I have to tread very lightly. I think I have done well these past few days, but I know he wont respond to a change that fast. I have to show him that I am serious about making him happy and being happy and not being as stressed as I have been and using my tools to conquer my emotional problems. I have felt good emotionally maybe because I have blocked everything out, but other than mourning the loss of the baby, I havent been too upset, well thats not true, T says she wants to break up, Im not even sure where we stand, but its not something I want to bring up right now. I dont even know what Im going to do next but I do know that mine and F's date tomorrow night will be full of flirting and fun, I have to make it fun and prove to him Im trying.

I figure that it will take a few weeks or so to rebuild with F and I want to limit the time T is here, the primary relationship has to come first and be stable in order for poly to work. I have to insure both mine and John's and mine and F's relationships are stable and right now they arent.

I have a lot to think about and to try to decide what to do about, and right now that doesnt scare me. Im actually feeling pretty good about most things, I just need to set a temporary boundary on how much T is here until F and I are back on track. If he values our relationship he will do it, if he doesn't then I will start to look elsewhere.
 
well damn

So T broke up with me. She is still seeing F and since I only said ok to breaking my rule of another relationship was because I wanted her, it is really bothering me.

F and I are still on shaky ground but at least we had sex. John and I are still not there. That makes me sad.

T is still around because of her and F are seeing each other still. I need to set some boundaries and discover what Im comfortable with at this moment. I know Im not comfortable with her being around all the time. Especially since they have "gotten closer" and I feel put out because of F's desire to leave me.

I re-iterated my primary status today and im not sure it was a good move. But then again, our triad is gone, so I feel until he says otherwise, I am his primary.
 
Panic is bad

So T came over last night, I went to bed before she left so I have no idea how long she was here, but I had a panic attack when she got here. I've got to get control over my feelings about F and T. I can't have a panic attack every time she is here. I don't know if its because shes my ex or shes seeing F, I know I didnt have them before she broke up with me, so maybe its just the ex thing. Im not one for hanging out with my ex's immediately after we break up.

Either way, I know Im not comfortable with her being at the house and I also know I can't tell F she can't be at the house. Leaves me in a complicated place, I have to limit the time she is at the house in order to limit the amount of pain I have in her being here. I know I will get over it eventually, but for now I need space and time.

I found out her being here and F and T being in public places bothers my friend, who is like a little sister to me, because T is all over F.

Ive been trying really hard this week to be more relaxed and confident and well, more me. Im not sure how Im doing, but I do know Im trying and Im willing to do more. F admitted that he can see Im trying and that he doesnt feel everything is " back to normal " I just want him to be as happy and comfortable as I am in our relationship.

I am afraid that since he is a serial monogamist that his heart has already left me and moved to T. He says he still loves me and we are still having sex, so I guess that isnt a problem yet.

I have a feeling T and F wont last much longer than the NRE. I just dont think they are really compatible, they are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.
 
Guess its kinda getting better

I had a small panic attak this morning when I woke up and F was already gone to spend the day with T.

But tonight we are all playing a card game together and its not too bad, but the idea of her spending the night upsets me a little. Im having trouble getting use to this.

T was incredibly nice to me when she came in, but F has been basically ignoring me while T has been here, I know how John feels when Im around F and dont give him kisses or touch him.

I am not sure what to do, not being able to see them bothers me the most I think. They disappear into his room and I get all panicy.

Im having a lot of trouble with this. Im going nuts... Im not sure what to do.

they want to roll D&D characters... I did not sign up for this. I'd rather DM.

Yep, they go to bed, panic attack starts, I cant keep doing this.
 
Why can't they go over her place to spend the night, where you won't have to see it? I know that I probably wouldn't be able to stand having an ex around so much right after a break-up, especially if I was already jealous of their time with my partner.
 
I have a feeling T and F wont last much longer than the NRE. I just dont think they are really compatible, they are too much alike. I have to keep that in my mind and just do the best I can as a loving girlfriend.

I don't think I'd count on this, myself. If they do last longer than NRE, you'll be devastated again because you didn't think it would last longer. You have no control over how long their relationship lasts and I think you need to work on accepting the relationship, not just struggling through the NRE period thinking they'll break up after the NRE ends.
 
I have been telling her this since I came home on leave (I am her husband), I wish I could do more to help her, deal with what she is going through. She is just adding more stress to mine and her relationship. It feels like I tell her on a daily basis to worry about the things that she can control.
 
Yes, I know dear. And now that you are gone again, my life somehow gets more complicated.

Annabel - She lives with her mom, and her mom knows Im his gf, but not that she is too. Not that her mom would be ok with him spending the night even if she did know they were together.

Im getting better about everything, though its still hard for me sometimes. I love her, and to see him get time with her when I want it is the worst feeling. Somehow I'm ok with R having another girl now, but T being with F, or rather F being with T (no one seems to get the distinction) hurts.

T and F got into a fight last night, so he spent a long time on the phone with her when I asked for this weekend to be just F and me, somehow T was in the picture, with us or on the phone, both Friday and Sat night. And I asked T to hang out tonight and she said she had plans, if those plans are coming over here I think I will be hurt, she could come a little early and spend a little time with me. Im hoping that she has plans with another friend.

F told me T is feeling vulnerable, well I've felt that way for weeks, and I know he doesnt even know that because I feel like I cant say anything because he might leave me - he says I push too much and that is the consensus. I dont even realize it unless I step back, so I'm only asking how he feels about us once a week and currently, its "Im just seeing how things go". Until he can say "I want to be with you" I will feel restricted and vulnerable and even a little alone. But I dont know how to talk about it without pushing him away, I feel like Im in fake it til you make it mode. He makes me happy, so I really dont want to loose him, but when left to my own devices, I think that he doesnt want to be with me.

I need a boy-toy, a distraction. Someone who knows that they are just a distraction. I thought about going back to R but everyone thinks that is a bad idea, and I know it is. I started talking to this one guy, who would be perfect because he wouldn't want a relationship, just sex. But I think he is pursuing a real relationship. Grr.

and I'm missing John like crazy, which doesnt help at all. I know I'll get use to him being gone again in time, like I always do, but right now, his absence is felt quite keenly.
 
Bad panic attack last night. Very bad.

Triggered because I felt like they went behind my back to see each other.

See, I asked T to hangout and she said she had plans, so I went out with a friend, then F sends me a txt telling me he is bringing T home.

All I can do now is trust them, but I do want a timeline of events last night, which I will likely not get. Dont want to push for anything.

Im trying to remember my therapy. Just because I think something doesnt make it true, I cant control others actions, only my response to them.

Its so hard to be calm, like I don't care about things that hurt me, like seeing her, even her hugging me, simple gestures she thinks are being nice and good and they just hurt. I know Im being unreasonable, I mean there is nothing she can do that would make me happy other than be with me again and that is not going to happen.

Maybe I just need to try, ask her, in a way that makes it easy for her, basically ask permission to flirt back, to kiss her when I feel the urge.
Or just start flirting with her. Not that I really remember how to do that. Flirting with a girl is a little different in some aspects.

...

Well what do you know, a short talk and we are kissing friends... not lovers, no sex, none of that stuff, just flirting and kissing, breaking down walls that we've both put up. Slowly, a little at a time. I can do this, Im not sure how, but I can. I broke down one wall, its her turn now.
Im anxious about the whole thing but I didn't realize how I was pushing her away by closing myself off to her flirting and such. So this new arrangement is a start... maybe it will finally lead to what I really want
 
F told me he does want to be with me, and our sex last night was perfect.

So even though I feel like shit physically, I feel wonderful emotionally.

Ive been so worried that he was going to leave me at the drop of a hat, and now i feel much more secure. and I feel our relationship is much better and I love it.

Its amazing that one good night can start the path to fixing everything - not that we will be the same as we were but we will be strong and that is all that matters.
 
My two loves... well two of my loves

F is not much of a talker, but he is do-er. I'm a talker, over and over on the same subject until I've said it 10 ways. He prefers one, clear, measured conversation, and then to act on that conversation.

He considers time in the same room together time, while I only count interaction time as together time. I remedy this by touching him, laying on his shoulder while he plays a video game makes me feel like we are together.

F is stubborn, not likely to change how he feels or reacts to anything, even when presented a good argument, unless multiple people present the same argument - in his eyes.

F is a take life as it comes type of person, while I like to plan.

As different as F and I are, he is good for me, he forces me out of my comfort zone, but he does so gently, he recognizes that we are different, he respects my boundaries but encourages me to push them.

And I love him for all of that. I love him for being who he is and not changing for me. He's the first guy who loved me and showed his love the way he does.

John on the other hand is very much like me.
He is willing to talk as much as I want to and never asks me to cut it short or get frustrated when I say the same basic thing over and over

John likes to be close physically and really only counts time spent close as time together.

John is willing to change his point of view, if the argument is a good one.

John accepts me for who I am, he loves me unconditionally. He doesnt expect or even want me to change anything about who I am.

And I love him for that. I love that he loves me with everything he has, that he shows me every day how special I am to him, even from 1500 miles away.
 
I do what I can to make you feel loved baby, I still feel like I should be able to do more, but I am glad that what I do seems to be enough for you. I love you and thanks for explaining the differences between me and him.
 
You do an amazing job love.

So T and I had plans tonight and I hurt so bad that I don't want to go out, so she offered to bring over a movie and watch it with me.

I wish I could just hold her while we watched a movie, it would make me so happy to be able to touch her for that long. I feel so much love for her and to have to hold back hurts so bad sometimes.

At the same time I don't want her to spend the night because that means she is spending time with, and having sex with, F and I want to be the one in F's position.

Im hopelessly in love and I hate myself for it sometimes. Especially since the feelings aren't exactly returned. If I felt that doing love spells was ethical, I would so totally do one on her. :) I'm avoiding the word love, I don't want to scare her away again. I express that I care for her and that I still want us to be more, but not so often that it makes her uncomfortable. Its a fine tightrope to walk and I hope I don't fall. I have to be optimistic though, or I have to face that I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. The question is "is it worth it" and the answer is "yes" at least right now.

Its nice though to be stable, for three weeks now, and to be at least mostly comfortable with everything. I still have panic attacks but other than that I'm ok. No crying at night or being mad or feeling like I have to talk out everything. I'm stable and I haven't been in a while, so I feel really good about it. Not too good though. Thats the thing that sux about bi-polar, you can't be too happy for too long or you will go manic. Or at least I will.

I think everything would be easier if John was still here. I'd have someone to spend my time with and distract me from the fact that F is getting what I want and I would be able to be held when I was hurting because she can't give me what I want yet. I can't ask F for that, because he will just tell me to give her time and be patient. I'm not asking her for more, I'm just hurting that I can't. God I need to figure out something. How do I deal with this and still try to make things work with her. I feel that it is worth my time, but I'm not sure how long it will be worth my heart.

I miss John! I miss my best friends, and I miss having parties at the house every weekend. John has only been gone a week, not even a week, but it feels like months. That reference makes me feel like I have been waiting on T for months too, when I know I havent. And that I haven't seen certain people for months.

I should be happy with what I have. My life is good. I have two men that love me, well really three - since R does too. I have a chance with the girl I love and I have two beautiful children and a job that will soon make me plenty of money. I just need to throw myself into something, I need a distraction. Something that will take my mind and my energy.

Right now I can't even focus on my kids, because my mom has them. If I didn't have to work, I would, but she has no gas money to bring them home every day. And I have no money to give her for gas. Ive got to keep my job, I need the money and I need the outlet. Working from home would mean I got to keep the kids here, if they werent so young. I can't leave my son unattended for 4 hours at a time. My daughter, maybe, but not my son.
 
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