Poly on purpose.

I've met someone...

... very special. I'll refer to her as "R". I attended, are you ready for this? A "cuddle" party.

Yes, I know. Martial arts, Firearms and Motorcycles don't exactly seem to fit the profile, but off I went. I truly do not know why, except that what I've been doing lately wasn't giving me the peace I've sought so I chose to do something completely different.

When the Invitation came in, I said Huh? But I was drawn to it, and decided to follow my heart on this one. I'm so very glad I did. It was a night of gentleness, love and profound kindness. No sex, but an intimacy of the soul for me was established with one particular woman. I don't know when I've been in the presence of such a powerful, gentle,spirit before. ( actually I do. Hi RP! ) What I do know is that I was able to let go of my masks and acts, the fear and grief and just went with my heart.

We met again last night for tea. And talked for hours. I find that being with her quiets my mind, and allows me to be present in the moment. She teaches tantric, is married, and Poly. I've met her husband who is also a very cool human being and I'll be having dinner with them next week.

I hope to grow this relationship with her, as she quiets my soul and inflames my passion. I think what surprised me most about that night though was that she also felt the connection, heart to heart. Being with R is like being a child again. Happy and playful.

Also that night I met 2 other women, very centered and powerful in their own right. They teach meditation and follow a path of spiritual openness. They took a chance and invited this guy (me) to join them at a special potluck/gathering they are having Dec 30.

I have so much to learn, but it would seem that the universe has my back.

6 months ago I was all fight, no quit. 2 weeks ago I was still at times blaming T for my pain. Today? Today I'm a different man. I cannot truly describe what's going on right now within me, but I am enjoying it.

I'll always be a child of the wild places, it is who I am. But I'm discovering that there may be more to this old wolf than I realized.
 
Soooooo.........

.........I have a GF. I think. GF seems...trite. To small to describe what is actually happening.

3 weeks ago I was on the verge of complete self destruction. Partying all night, every night. Girls, clubs, booze, bar fights and....other things.

Last week? The universe offered up the other side of choice. it's like I woke up in someone else's life.

T and I are good. Better than we've been in years. Friends. I feel.....whole and complete for the first time in recent memory.

So here's the question for those farther along this journey. How do I maintain this? How do I not fall back into Fear and self pity?

Because where I am is so much better than where I was when this all got started. I'd appreciate any help or suggestions you may have.
 
Hi Freetime. I'm sure you know that you can't really prevent yourself from ever feeling fear or self-pity again. Your feelings will rise and fall in response to life events and your own thoughts. You can manage them, examine them, try to understand where they come from, but attempting to corral and keep certain emotions at bay will usually make them more volatile. "Whatever we resist, persists... and grows stronger." Better to allow for the natural ebb and flow of your inner life. When you let yourself feel what you feel without judging it (judging as in "Oh this sucks" or "I don't wanna feel this shit"), its hold on you suddenly loosens and the feeling dissipates. In other words, resistance is futile.

Besides, whenever we try and move forward in our lives avoiding something, we basically wind up shaping our lives around the very thing we do not want. We mold everything to make sure it is "not that" and essentially wind up living life as an empty reflection of the very thing we're avoiding ("oh, I'm never feeling that way again!" or "I'll be alright as long as I don't make the mistakes my parents did"), instead of an organic, fully realized expression of who we are and what we truly want in life.

Life cannot always bring us puppies, lollipops, and rainbows. All I can tell you, FT, is that you can enjoy what you have today without worrying that it will go away. Stand still in this moment of now and appreciate... everything. And if you face life like an adventure, knowing that not all of it will feel good, and take the approach that you are creating it anew each day instead of manipulating it to not be something else, you will have an authentic, organic expression of YOU - and that's where satisfaction lies.
 
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Eloquent, and beautiful. Thank you. You my dear NYcindie, truly have a way with words.
 
Life as a ...secondary?

Weird. I don't feel Any less loved or appreciated. I'm happy. Today I'm grateful for that which I have, and that's good enough.

I spent the day with a friend. She and I are very alike in many ways, and I was glad to be there for her. Feels good to be offering help and support instead of needing it.
 
Welcome back FT!!! I had the chance to read through when I first joined the board and your story resonated with me, to the core.

Glad to hear that you're doing better and feeling free-r (is that even a word? lol).

:)
 
Free r is now officially a word. Wow. What a year. There were those around me who weren't sure I was going to survive it. But I did. I thought I'd share with you what I've learned.

No matter how it may look right now, the universe is looking out for you. Enjoy the journey.

Free time, all the time.

Love you all.

P.S. I'm spending tomorrow night and new years eve with my GF, her husband and my wife. How cool is that!? exactly.

Later folks
 
Hi RP! I hope you had a good night. R and here husband spent the night here, we had a great discussion, fun frivolity, and more discussion until the sun came up. A great way to bring in 2012.

Interesting place to be right now. My marriage is over, my first attempts at poly didn't work out, and here I am in another poly relationship.

The biggest difference is that this one isn't connected to T in any way, so has none of the issues attached.

I truly do like poly as a life choice, it fits me so much better then mono ever did which is somewhat humorous when you know my story.

I'd like to have a primary relationship again one day, and would love for it to be a part of a poly family.

Poly is community, and one I'm glad to be apart of.
 
My last day...

...here, has arrived. I move to my own apartment tomorrow morning. I am quiet, sad right now as I pack up the last of my things. So many memories, good ones of love, life and laughter. I'm going to miss this house, it's presence and all it holds that is dear to me.

20 yrs of marriage comes to a close tomorrow. A true ending. When the last of my things are removed from this house, I'll consider my relationship with T fully closed as well.

I'll always be her friend, but thats a new relationship to be formed, and can only be done if the old relationship is truly over.

This is a difficult day for me, The next few days promise to be hectic and full. I have so much to do.

What was, isn't. And what is, soon won't be.

Change. The natural state of everything.

Be well

Free time.
 
Time to clean some thing up.

In past posts I've not spoken well of T. I did not speak from love. I spoke from fear, anger, childishness and spite.

My marriage with T is ending because it's time for it to do so. End. At any moment I could have chosen to see this, and accept it for what it is, the truth. But instead I chose to fight. And that made it hard for us both. I have said and acted both childishly and hurtfully towards her when in reality the only problem was....me.

A message to T.

I am so sorry for what I've said and done. I'll make amends as I can. You are a beautiful and joyous child of the universe. You always have been. I will always hold you close in my heart, even as I let go of you tomorrow.

No more anger, no more tears. Just love.

Be well T.

Love, FT
 
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Is it always like this?

When I finally surrendered, when I finally let T go, I found what I've searched for my entire life. And her name is R.

She has read this story, and still loves me. My brain seeks reason and logic. My heart needs either. It just knows. And I am content to just let it be.

I am as I have always been. Only now I know what that truly means.

Hello R. Be welcome here. These people are my friends and it is they who helped guide me to the truth and loved me at my lowest times. They are my tribe, and I welcome you to meet them.

And to you all, I introduce R. She's my friend, and my love.
 
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A message from R.

"I love the people on your forum, they are like family.your tribe.

Wonderful, smart, intelligent people. People willing to support, encourage and help someone they've never met"

Some stories and advice resonated so deeply with me. They made me laugh, they made my heart hurt. They made me feel proud.

This from R. To you.

She is also grateful that you are in my life. As am I.

She will post when she can, but she wanted you all to know what she feels about you. So know you know.
 
:) Sweet
 
Risk it all.

I could play it safe. Go slow, take my time. But if I did that I would have missed what's happening right now.

Opening up and dropping the acts, the masks, the pretense. Showing someone who I truly am isn't the risk at all, the risk is missing my life by holding onto those illusions.

Letting go and following my heart has opened up my life to loving freely, and being loved completely.

R lives within me, always there, always in love. My equal in all things.

Reason be damned. This is my life and I'll live it as fully as I can. I'm learning to listen to my heart, live passionately again and walk with my head up.

A lesson to remember. A message to remind me.
 
And our next contestant is....

....Monogamous! Come on down! You're the next contestant in "holy fuck is my life weird! " Sorry dave, but it,s true. I'm in a mono relationship. And loving every minute of it.

Sooooooo...... Do I have to give back the secret decoder ring and log book?
 
....Monogamous! Come on down! You're the next contestant in "holy fuck is my life weird! " Sorry dave, but it,s true. I'm in a mono relationship. And loving every minute of it.

Well, you're in NRE. See how you feel in 6-18 months and get back to us. ;)
 
Funny ole world.

Well the journey continues. I was fired Friday from my job. I've given notice that I'll be moving at the end of the month and I'll be moving in with my GF.

I have no money, CC are maxed and I have no idea what I'm going to do for a living, but I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

I'm going to take some time and just look at my life and start doing what I want to do and not what I think I have to do. I've been trying for far to long to fit in to a world that I really don't care about. Soooo time to go find out where I do fit, and go from there.
 
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