very new and very confused

whyimhere

New member
first of all my intro; im a married male w/wife and 2 children. i was introduced to a female, we started off as text buddies occasional coffee dates at first, then i fell in love with her. more coffees followed plus intimacies. she than explained to me that she is a poly. i trusted her enough to let her be known to my wife and children. only one thing is i/we havent told wife about intimicies and her poly life. i am still trying to understand the meaning of poly to thats where im confused. i know there is no set rules or really no set guides. im reaching out for others to help. thank you
 
Hell, I'm fairly new but I can tell you step 1:

Tell wife EVERYTHING, NOW.

Regardless of whether your new partner is poly is not relevant because right now you are not poly you are cheating.

I can't tell you how to bridge from where you are to where you want to be; but communication is the only chance.
 
thanks lifetake2. i do realize its cheating, im sure my wife senses something to is happening, my partner suggests she is the one to break the ice, not to tell on me but to bring up her poly feelings and her feelings towards me,
 
thanks lifetake2. i do realize its cheating, im sure my wife senses something to is happening, my partner suggests she is the one to break the ice, not to tell on me but to bring up her poly feelings and her feelings towards me,

Ok, if you know where you are then you know where you need to get.

This is MY opinion but I think it would be preferred by your wife to hear from you. You need to address what has occurred first, THEN you can discuss if your wife is OK with keeping your new partner. From there you decide the next steps. But this is just my opinion.

Good luck.
 
lifetake2, thank you for your replies, i am greatful , i do love both very much, but it is my other (poly) i do seem to be at one with, there seems to be a certain energy level between us, i would not have trusted her into my home to meet my wife and children in person,
 
This is just how I would feel if this happened to me (wife):

If the woman my husband was cheating on was invited to my home without me realizing my husband was cheating with her, I would feel betrayed by both. I would feel like the idiot who didn't catch on.

If said woman hinted at being poly, I would be confused as to why she was saying this. Once I connected the dots, I'd be hurt that my husband did not come out to me.

If my husband had the audacity to bring the woman he is cheating with into my home, I would question my trust and his honesty. This would inflict a wound for me.

If this was how I was introduced to poly, I would be very hurt. It would feel like my husband is asking me to accept this woman or lose him. Worst of all, I'd feel like an idiot for not catching on.

I'm not trying to sound judgmental. And I'm not your wife - she may have different thoughts running in her head. If this were me, I would want him to admit to cheating first. I would not want the mention of poly to even be brought up. I would want some time to process this betrayal first. Once the initial emotional response faded and I was more rational - then I would be open to the poly discussion.

Again, this is just me.
 
This is just how I would feel if this happened to me (wife):

If the woman my husband was cheating on was invited to my home without me realizing my husband was cheating with her, I would feel betrayed by both. I would feel like the idiot who didn't catch on.

If said woman hinted at being poly, I would be confused as to why she was saying this. Once I connected the dots, I'd be hurt that my husband did not come out to me.

If my husband had the audacity to bring the woman he is cheating with into my home, I would question my trust and his honesty. This would inflict a wound for me.

If this was how I was introduced to poly, I would be very hurt. It would feel like my husband is asking me to accept this woman or lose him. Worst of all, I'd feel like an idiot for not catching on.

I'm not trying to sound judgmental. And I'm not your wife - she may have different thoughts running in her head. If this were me, I would want him to admit to cheating first. I would not want the mention of poly to even be brought up. I would want some time to process this betrayal first. Once the initial emotional response faded and I was more rational - then I would be open to the poly discussion.

Again, this is just me.

thank you, vanille. you have made me understand , these were the sort of answeres that ive been searching for : i must step back and think, i do want both to be happy
 
lifetake 2 & vanille , your responses are noticed and appreciated deeply. i needed to come out about this, like the title said confused. i feel that this is the only community i could reach out to. thank you again
 
10 views and no replies.

Check your sense of entitlement, d00d. People weren't ignoring you to be rude, it may just be they have no useful advice for your situation.

That said...
 
It's possible to move from cheating to poly, but it's certainly extra hard, because chances are very good you'll be dealing with hurt, mistrust, and confusion. Still, you're getting ready to do the right thing now, and that's what matters.

I assume that either you love this woman, or the idea of poly really resonates with you, or both, for you to be willing to deceive your wife like this. Try to figure out which it is.

Do you love this new woman? If so, then the relationship, even though it came about via unfaithfulness to your wife, deserves some respect and you should tell your wife and perhaps also tell her you don't want to end it. If it's just about sex and friendship, on the other hand, I'd suggest stepping away from your relationship with the new woman. Then go to your wife and tell her everything, and that it's ended for the forseeable future. Admit your mistakes, beg forgiveness, *then* tell her that this woman introduced the idea of poly to you and it resonated, and ask if she would she be willing to read a little about it and possibly consider it.

Third possibility -- you don't love this woman and you don't really resonate with the idea of poly, but you and your wife are having other relationship problems that made an escape seem like a good idea?
 
For a moment, take this completely out of the polyamorous context. Because at this point, you are not polyamorous, you're just a guy having an affair. That's how your wife will see it, and that's how I see it.

Whether the mistress is poly or not is 100% irrelevant. Your wife will not give a hoot what the other woman's excuse or lifestyle is, she will blame you for stepping outside the marriage.

There's no way that your mistress should be the one to tell your wife about the affair.

I understand she's probably trying to be helpful, figuring she "knows about the lifestyle" and can help your wife understand.

But no good can come from your wife hearing that her husband is having an affair from the mouth of the Other Woman. Your wife will be hurt and probably angry. Having the mistress present the news will likely leave her feeling even more betrayed.

My other concern is with this woman calling herself poly, and yet having no reservations about beginning an affair with a married man. While being poly does not automatically make a person honest or good at choosing partners, it does give me a sense that she may not have very much experience in the lifestyle. For her to further offer to tell your wife that she's the mistress sends up big alarm bells.
 
annabel & scrodinger : you 2 are right, thank you for your thoughts, since meeting the other woman (mistress) and being told of the poly , i had become quite confused and maybe missguided, there for thats why ive reached out, im not looking for judgment, but for answers,
 
...i do love both very much, but it is my other (poly) i do seem to be at one with, there seems to be a certain energy level between us...

That at-oneness with a woman you barely know is called new relationship energy (NRE). Do a tag search here to read much much more about it.

You are awash in infatuation and sexy hormones. This new woman is not practicing poly with you, she is helping you to cheat on your wife.
 
1st of all a big thank you to those of you that responded, your comments have helped me a lot, you are all a great bunch,
 
Oh, I have faith in you, + this is a good forum

married male w/wife and 2 children. she than explained to me that she is a poly. i trusted her enough to let her be known to my wife and children. only one thing is i/we havent told wife about intimicies and her poly life. i am still trying to understand the meaning of poly to thats where im confused. i know there is no set rules or really no set guides. im reaching out for others to help. thank you


Hey, Im just going to say whats on my mind because, I promise you, I have been in this situation before. I waffled for a great long time because I was afraid & I was ashamed and I was confused. It felt so great when I made the choice to talk about it. It worked out for me & now I am so happy & free in my life. I walked out of all the murky water & into the sunshine. My partner has since then over time forgiven me, and decided to embrace polyamory relationship styles with me. We are both content.

Everybody has brought up good points. Especially nre, ethics, how the 'poly ideal' may resonate with you, and 'mistress telling your wife' sounds like a no-no.
Thought I could just repeat some & clarify some things, perhaps, it seems like you are very confused & need time to figure things out yourself. I understand that. Reading the initial post, there are several things that struck me as possible misconceptions, perhaps things you have yet to straighten out...


1. There are many forms of Non-monogamy.
Cheating is one of those.
(ie: what you are doing)

2. Polyamory does not excuse agreements already made or agreements already in place. It can be a style in which to discuss making new agreements...

It is not: "oh I can do whatever I want and not be responsible for my actions too under the facade of a label! "

It is not: "ohh you are 'polyamorous' or 'pretty' or 'polka dotted', so thAt is why you can just walk in, troll-lol-olo-loll all over my relationships, and walk out like a boss"...

It is: "I take responsibility for the relationships I create, and I love those people I am involved with."

(ie: What do you want? ethical polyamory?) I recommend it :)

3. It's your responsibility to be ethical to your loved ones, always. Including your wife & children... It's up to you.

4. Keeping your girlfriend a 'secret toy' from your loved ones will make your girlfriend feel like you are ashamed of her. & A host of other problems such as guilt. ect

5. 'New Relationship Energy' may be the excuse you need to try and explain this lapse of consiousness to your wife. Maybe If you take your time & really truly listen to wife & what her needs are, you two can work things out. Find 'needs vs wants' & where the flexibility is.

6. Try not to change add, subtract, multiply, divide, relationships until everyone romantically involved is aware, it's polite + smart. Whats the rush?

7. There are no specific rules or set guides in polyamory...this is because it is your responsibility to create a situation that will work for you & your loved ones & to constantly maintain that communication that relationships require to make sure you & your partners are happy.

7. I may go so far as to say that this woman you are with may claim to be 'poly' but she seems rather confused herself. She explained that she is poly After having sex?? Did you two talk at all? I mean, thats not poly, that's horny... :) You are also not a baby, you can speak for yourself..

8. ...Which is okay, people make mistakes we are not perfect & not always thinking rationally when sexually frustrated, however, that does not give this woman the right to create a guilt laden situation. You need to take control of your relationship/s & your situation for yourself.

9. If you are already doing what you want to do, then do it by all means

You both should do more research in my opinion...
Best wishes to you
 
i needed to shout out and be heard, i had nowhere to turn. dear senga, thank you , thank you to all , i needed answers to my situation and i found them. you are all great people.
 
Last edited:
So did you stop cheating on your wife?
 
Back
Top