Pitfalls and advantages of polyamory

DarkHorseJ27

New member
Let me start by saying that my wife Lissy and I have never been the typical couple. We have also always been open-minded.

She works at a webcam girls site. A few weeks ago, a woman named Miranda wandered into her room. Miranda is a lesbian. They hit it off rather well. When Lissy is on, and I'm home, she like me to be in her chat room too, to help keep things interesting and to help take care of the rude people. Miranda and I started chatting, and we hit it off good too. She saw a pic of me in my profile, and was surprised to find me attractive.

I now feel myself really falling for Miranda, but not losing any feelings for my wife. My wife is the same way. Lissy has shown she can be very jealous and insecure, throughout our relationship, but even though she knows how I feel about Miranda, it doesn't bother her one bit. And it seems that Miranda is liking both of us in that way.

It's really too early to tell, but it seems a polyamorous relationship is where things are headed, and none of us has ever been in one. I've always been one to try to be ahead of the curve, so I'm trying to look ahead for any bumps in the road.

So, anything I need to watch out for? Any advice in general? Thanks!
 
Well first I'll say, welcome to the forums.

Then I will add that you seem to be in the right place. It does look like you are headed for poly. As for advice, the best advice is open communication. Make sure the three of you are "on the same page" as to what and where you might like this relationship to lead. Be ready for the bumps, not just by looking and anticipating them, but by being ready to talk about and deal with them.

I wish you three luck with your endeavors.
 
Darkhorse,

Because you've titled your post "Pitfalls and advantages of polyamory," I'd like to make a very personal statement on that theme.

Like pretty much everyone in the society in which I live, I grew up in an atmosphere of intense expectation that "romantic love," as folks call it, must go a certain way. That "certain way" is centered on monogamy, or exclusivity.

The terms themselves are a little loose. Few people have ever been fully monogamous, in the strictest sense (lifelong, exclusive pair-bonding), but most folks have tended to follow a "serial monogamy" course. (All terms can find definitions at www.google.com.) There are also distinctions to be made regarding "social monogamy" versus "sexual monogamy." A socially-monogamous person will have one long-term, committed, romantic partner, but may not be sexually monogamous, per se. Anyone these individuals may be sexually involved with outside of this socially-monogamous pairing will be, at most, "secondary." They are not at the level of commitment and involvement which we generally call family, per se. Their outside sexual adventures may have very little intimacy other than physical/sexual intimacy.

It's important to know that there is plenty of "grey area" in all of this. Some folks may have "secondary" partners as well as "primary" partners, and the distance regarding social monogamy/non-monogamy can be rather small, while for others the gap is enormous. Some people even have social monogamy established with partners with whom they no longer have (or never had) a sexual relationship!

But I said this was to be a personal statement, so here goes.: I'm essentially married, though not legally married. (My state doesn't allow two men or women to marry each other. I'm a guy essentially married to my male partner, Kevin.) Here's the personal part. Kevin and I have been a couple for roughly thirteen years. It's been a long time since our first kiss, and the first time we slept together. I'd like to stay with Kevin indefinitely, but I'd like not to have this mean the end to first kisses, etc. I simply don't want an end to "romantic" adventures. Some of these may be with Kevin, but some may be with others.

So we've identified an advantage to polyamory here, if only because I'm really not interested in profound physical intimacy with people with whom I have no interest in other kinds of intimacy, and the process of getting to know one another deeply, over time. Casual sex doesn't work for me, nor kisses that are chapter or book endings, rather than beginnings. Because we are polyamorous, I don't have to think my romantic adventuring days are over. I can have my cake and eat it too. There's nothing like a first kiss (or a third)!

Another advantage is that I can have the support and love of a partner AS I go through the ups and downs, the crashes and burnings, of all my adventures, romantic or otherwise. Kevin has held me as I cried when I went through one such crash-and-burn, and others here can tell similar stories.

Another advantage is that Kevin and I can openly discuss our attraction to others, without much fear that this will be taken to mean that we're less interested in each other.: We know that love or attraction doesn't work like apple pie does. Kevin doesn't get less of my affection when I share it with others. He often gets even more! And vice versa. Love grows by addition, rather than shrinking.

Another advantage, if ever I should have a second committed partner, aside from Kevin, I'd not be left entirely alone if one or the other should either pass away or move on. I'd still be a part of "chosen family" of some sort (although, admittedly, the same could be true with a very close "non-romantic" friend). I should say here that I find myself feeling much more bonded with lovers than with "non-romantic" friends. I suppose this has to do with what we could call the "touch factor." I simply feel a special kind of closeness with people with whom I can lie in snuggles and cuddles. Few friends of a non-romantic type have ever been able or willing to share with me in this way (though there have been a couple of exceptions).

I'll have more to say on advantages over time.
 
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Welcome to the forums.

I think JRM summed up some of the advantages very nicely. One other I can name (from your wife's perspective) is that she would be able to have a loving and physical relationship with both a man and a woman, which is wonderful for a bisexual person. (I assume she is?) My husband was not sexually involved with my gf, but they had a very strong emotional bond, which allowed them to offer eachother support, affection, and share advice on how to manage our relationship comfortably, especially as I can be emotionally unstable at times. She was not his lover, but certainly his love and closer than a best friend.

Poly relationships have the same pitfalls as mono relationships for the most part, possibly with some additions. There is jealousy, miscommunication, issues with schedules, insecurity,etc etc. Aside from that there is a societal stigma against non-monogamous relationships that you have to be ready to deal with. But, just like mono relationships, these can be avoided or mended with open and honest communication. ALOT of communication with ALL parties. It can be exhausting but worth it.

I wish you luck. And PS- Don't pay too much attention to the number of views vs responses. We get many guests here who just browse. Also, many members will read but not respond until they've had a chance to think it through or decided they have something relevant to say.
 
I did forget to mention that my wife is bisexual.

I did think about the social stigma. What if I have a baby by Miranda? I would want my mom to know she has a grandchild, but I don't think she would understand.

It seems that communication would be the greatest problem here. I am good at communicating. Miranda seems to be too. My wife is not. Often times when something is bothering her she won't talk about it, she'll just take out her aggravation on who's closest. Half the time she isn't sure what is bothering her, just that something is. But maybe she'll learn to stop if there is a person around that won't be a "patient" with it as I am.

Upon thinking about it more I thought of some advantages not mentioned. Greater financial stability due to more incomes. When kids happen an extra set of arms would be great. And just a general sharing of responsibilities.

Just another thing I'm wondering if the age difference will affect anything. Both my wife and I are 23. Miranda is 36, but she is a young soul. So far all its affected is we haven't gotten a few popular culture references she's made.
 
I did forget to mention that my wife is bisexual.

I did think about the social stigma. What if I have a baby by Miranda? I would want my mom to know she has a grandchild, but I don't think she would understand.

It seems that communication would be the greatest problem here. I am good at communicating. Miranda seems to be too. My wife is not. Often times when something is bothering her she won't talk about it, she'll just take out her aggravation on who's closest. Half the time she isn't sure what is bothering her, just that something is. But maybe she'll learn to stop if there is a person around that won't be a "patient" with it as I am.

Upon thinking about it more I thought of some advantages not mentioned. Greater financial stability due to more incomes. When kids happen an extra set of arms would be great. And just a general sharing of responsibilities.

Just another thing I'm wondering if the age difference will affect anything. Both my wife and I are 23. Miranda is 36, but she is a young soul. So far all its affected is we haven't gotten a few popular culture references she's made.

Woah, slow down there cowboy! You've got kids in there, and everything! :p

It sounds like the fact that your wife is not a great communicator could be a bit of a stumbling block. If she is as serious about this as you, then perhaps a marriage course where you will learn how to communicate might be a good idea. I took one with my husband before we got married and we still use the basic rules today. It was extremely helpful.

Make sure you take this very slowly, as exciting as it is. There is no rush and every little detail must be worked out if you really want it to work and be healthy.

I'm not a big fan of that kind of age gap. I just don't think that kind of generational gap works too well in the end. But that's just me.
 
Oh my! If I were just starting a relationship and the woman (or the man in my single days) began asking about children and all from day 1, I'd run the other way! It's nice that you want to cover all the bases up front, but that's really premature. Slow down, take a breath, and let things begin to develop naturally. If you are always thinking 10 years in the future, you'll have no focus on the now. Relax and go at a natural pace for the three of you.

For poly to work well, all parties have to be willing to keep communication open. If your wife is unable, it is something that should be worked on before adding another to your lives. While you may be able to handle it because you know her well enough to do so, once there are more people in the mix, there are more opportunities for misunderstandings. Nip it in the bud. ;)
 
No one is talking about kids yet, lol. I was just thinking of the only circumstances in which I would feel that I had a moral obligation to tell my family, and that was the only one I could come up with.

Given the complexity of human relationships and emotions, it is obviously best to take it slow. Life isn't about getting to the destination. It's about taking your time and enjoying the ride. That is what I tend to do. I just have a tendency to be analytical and do a lot of what-if scenarios in my head.

I've talked to my wife and told her that communication is stressed more than just about anything else in poly, and that she is not going to have an option not to, if she wants poly to work. But to her credit, she is much better at communicating (and listening) than she was when we first got together. And given that she's wanted poly since she discovered she was bi, I believe she has the sufficient motivation to do what she needs to.

I don't think the age difference will be an issue. If you were blind, you'd never guess that Miranda is 36. Add to that, both she and Lissy have similar personality profiles. Finally, there is a growing list of common interests.
 
I don't think the age difference would be an issue. If you were blind you'd never guess that Miranda is 36. Add to that that both her Lissy have a similar personality profile. Finally, there is the growing list of all the common interests.


It's just usually the other way around. We often hear of couples in their 30's or 40's getting with a "third" who is much younger and less experienced, not the other way around.

But age is only a number, right?
 
Miranda is a lesbian?

She works at a webcam girls site. A few weeks ago a woman named Miranda wandered into her room. Miranda is a lesbian.
....

I've always been one to try to be ahead of the curve, so I'm trying to look ahead for any bumps in the road.

So, anything I need to watch out for? Any advice in general? Thanks!

I'll just go ahead and ask if this was miswritten or if Miranda is a lesbian. I'd watch out for that, if that's how it is. Bad news for you, my friend. :)
 
I'll just go ahead and ask if this was miswritten or if Miranda is a lesbian. I'd watch out for that, if that's how it is. Bad news for you, my friend. :)

Yes, she is a lesbian. She has only been with women, and until now, has never been attracted to men.

When I saw her chatting to my wife, I checked out her profile. She had a pic, and I said that I thought she was pretty. She already knew I am Lissy's husband. She then looked at my profile, and was surprised to find herself attracted to me. I was quite flattered when I found this out.

Since then she has been flirting with both me and my wife. She has also been getting very curious about the male body and asking all sorts of questions, lol.
 
She might be bi -- with her hetero-attraction having been burried a while. Hopefully, she's honest!
 
My husband and I were in your position this past March. We met someone online, never in a million years imagined it to be more than a virtual fling, and then wound up falling in love with her.

You mentioned that your wife has had insecurities in the past. Speaking from my own experiences, even if these issues seem not to be in play so far with Miranda, they may crop up. You may say something not meant to be hurtful at all that triggers one of those issues for Lissy.

Such was the case with my husband. He said something that really shouldn't have bothered me, but it triggered some bad memories from very early on in our relationship that caused me some doubts about myself (these things were almost entirely sexual insecurities).

Without knowing your wife, your girlfriend or the circumstances that surround her insecurities, all I can say is be prepared to face that. You may have some of your own you don't expect, also. It's happened to my husband, though his have all been regarding our girlfriend, independently of me (in other words, it's not really about me and her, just about her).

What I have learned in the six months I've been doing this is that it is extremely rewarding to open your heart to someone new, but it is not without its challenges, and they are very unique ones when it comes to three people.

You are going from one relationship, to four:
You/Lissy
Lissy/Miranda
Miranda/Lissy
All of you

Each of those relationships needs to be nurtured and allowed to grow. Always remember that the foundation for that All of You is the relationship you and your wife share. It needs to be as strong, if not stronger, or the other relationships will suffer.

I can honestly say that, despite the challenges and struggles, my relationship with my husband is better than it has ever been, and my love for him is deeper than it was before we met our girlfriend.

Even in our darkest moments, I am happy we did this, and I believe it will work out. I also believe, though, that it will take time and effort to get us there. But then again, my husband and I have had an effortless relationship for the past six or seven years because of the work we put into it in the first three to four years.

Good luck to you all. :)

~Kari
 
Speaking as someone who is the outsider coming into a relationship with a couple, keep in mind that when these issues arise, it can be very hard on the third and ultimately that person stands to lose the most if things end up not working out.

This is a good reason for trying to sort that stuff out before bringing another heart into it.
 
Speaking as someone who is the outsider coming into a relationship with a couple, keep in mind that when these issues arise, it can be very hard on the third and ultimately that person stands to lose the most if things end up not working out.

This is a good reason for trying to sort that stuff out before bringing another heart into it.

I agree. In our case, everyone knew about my issues. What we didn't know was that I would spend six weeks crazy out of my mind thanks to a nasty side effect of a drug I was on to help fibromyalgia, or that to compound that, my thyroid would act up. If not for the timing on that, I believe her early weeks living with us would've been a lot smoother. But then again, she has some issues of her own she needs to work out, and I think my problems sort of made hers invisible. Now that my head is much better, we're seeing more of those issues.

What I thought of most in the early days was that if my problems caused her to want to leave, or him to decide it wasn't worth risking our marriage, a) she'd have given up a lot to be with us only to be back where she was, and completely alone and b) I'd have taken them away from each other, which would've crushed me.

I was so screwed up at the time that I failed to see that she wouldn't want to lose me, either, and I wouldn't want to lose her. But there is no doubt that the third coming into what had been two has the most to lose in nearly every situation.

Everyone has baggage. I don't care how well-adjusted you are, or how amazing your marriage is, there's always baggage. Some you share as a couple, and some is individual. When a third person enters with his or her own baggage, it's going to cause some issues to be stirred up. It's got to be the rare case where that doesn't happen.

If you are patient, there is enough love, and you all want it badly enough, and work for it as a triple, as couples within the triad, and as individuals, I believe you can work through these things.
 
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Darkhorse,


But I said this was to be a personal statement, so here goes.: I'm essentially married, though not legally married. (My state doesn't allow two men or women to marry each other; and I'm a guy essentially married to my male partner, Kevin.) Here's the personal part. Kevin & I have been a couple for roughly thirteen years. It's been a long time since our first kiss, and our first "sleeping together".... I'd like to stay with Kevin indefinitely; but I'd like not to have this mean the end to first kisses, etc. I simply don't want an end to "romantic" adventures -- and some of these may be with Kevin, but some may be with others...

...

Another advantage is that Kevin & I can openly discuss our attraction to others, without much fear that this will be taken to mean that we're less interested in each other.: We know that love or attraction doesn't work like apple pie does. Kevin doesn't get less of my affection when I share it with others -- but often gets even more! And vice versa. Love grows by addition, rather than shrinking...

Another advantage, if ever I should have a second committed partner, aside from Kevin, I'd not be left entirely alone if one or the other should either pass away or move on. ....

Thanks for all that, River. I realize this is not the thread you'd expect to see me on, but somehow I stumbled in! Doing okay here, btw. Did you get my off-site email?
 
.... Doing ok here, btw. Did you get my off-site email?

Glad to hear things are at least okay. Yes, I did receive your email. Sorry for not writing a response, yet. I'll get to it soon. Been busy.
 
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