Phy's story - As you like it

I guess you are right, but things don't work that way around my family. There has never been any 'outsider' to any meeting at all. Just us. I would receive some irritated looks if I asked to bring someone with me, that isn't related in any way and not official partner-material. I guess, I need to wait for an own celebration to come over the course of the next year and just act on my feelings in regard to both of them and see what happens. But that is something I will simply wait for and see how it goes. For now, I will shove my wishes away. We will spend Christmas together and new year and that's what matters most to me.

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Another interesting development on the baby-front. There is still no positive notice so far (we are taking our time as it seems *sigh*) but yesterday something unpleasant happened. Lin and I had a condom accident. Neither he nor I (nor Sward) ever experienced this and it automatically brought up the question “Oh dear, well then ... ?” Chances are given, that this may lead to perception. So I talked to Sward in the evening.

He was quite relaxed and said that if that is what should happen, then it's OK and he won't be upset by the outcome. When I offered to take the morning-after pill, he even was kind of upset and told me that it doesn't matter and that this (potential) child deserves to live, no matter who the biological father may be. Because both would be father the moment it was there. Such a relieve. I had been thinking of a (child-) lifelong resentment in the back of someone's mind, if things wouldn't go according to our planned approach. Seems I was over-thinking a bit there.

When I talked to Lin later that evening (as he was curious how things went with Sward) there was such a positive outlook on his part regarding a biological child as well as the possibility of a child in our life in general. When we started this 'project' some months ago I noticed minor reluctance and insecurities coming from him. No major ones, he was about 80% positive that this was what he wanted and that he felt able to handle all of it. This seems to have changed without me noticing. He is really looking forward to being a father in the nearer future.
 
I guess you are right, but things don't work that way around my family. There has never been any 'outsider' to any meeting at all. Just us. I would receive some irritated looks if I asked to bring someone with me, that isn't related in any way and not official partner-material.

Well, who writes the rules for these things and are they written in stone? Just because it was always that way doesn't mean it has to stay that way forever. If you are part of the family, your wishes and desires are just as important as anyone else's. I bet there are relatives of yours who might also wish they could bring a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they don't because no one else does. Why not break precedent and bring both Lin and Sward. Talk to other cousins, relatives, etc., see if they want to bring people, too, and encourage them to. It's a new generation, right? Time for a change!
 
It's so very nice to read about how chill and positive things are with you guys. You're building such a lovely family and I can't wait to read about the newest addition. :) :)
 
Well, who writes the rules for these things and are they written in stone? Just because it was always that way doesn't mean it has to stay that way forever. If you are part of the family, your wishes and desires are just as important as anyone else's. I bet there are relatives of yours who might also wish they could bring a boyfriend or girlfriend, but they don't because no one else does. Why not break precedent and bring both Lin and Sward. Talk to other cousins, relatives, etc., see if they want to bring people, too, and encourage them to. It's a new generation, right? Time for a change!

You may be right, but I just ask myself: Why complicate things just because of my own needs/wants that are so subjective and selfish? I can't think of a 'normal' friend who would enjoy being with a whole set of family and relatives of mine. And I can't think of a reason to bring any to those gatherings, to be honest. Most of my relatives are older. There are maybe 6 or 8 cousins who are about my age, the rest is more around the age of my parents, except my siblings no younger ones at all (aside from the little children and kids). I don't feel like it's my place to ask for this, which may be the root of my ponderings altogether. I just know, that this will stir some uproar and cause unrest (minor or major ... I don't know, but I expect the latter). That's why I am so cautious.

I came to the conclusion that this will need some time and that it's mainly me who needs it to prepare myself for this.

It's so very nice to read about how chill and positive things are with you guys. You're building such a lovely family and I can't wait to read about the newest addition. :) :)

Glad to hear that the impression we give is so positive, Annabel :) I am, as well, really curious when our next 'addition' will enter the stage and who it will be ;)
 
Nothing much is happening at the moment. I finally found some time to read for fun over the weekend. I know why I avoided doing this for so long: I am such an addict. I couldn't stop once I got into the story and now I am waiting for the rest to be delivered because I instantly ordered the rest of the series. *sigh* Which will be a Christmas present … another week before I will be able to read on …

I neglected Sward and Lin over this book totally. Luckily I am a fast reader, it took me Sunday, Sunday night and Monday to finish it, and I never did as much as avert my eyes when they spoke to me :eek: Still a bit sleep-deprived and kind of out of time today, but reality got me back ^.^

Saturday was great, the 30th birthday of my cousin. It was fun to see all the folks again and talk to them. My aunt (who lost her husband last year) has come back to life and was honestly having fun, even though she seemed a bit strained because of the divorce of her oldest son and the plans for shared/divided Christmas between him, his wife and her grandchild. But they are handling things with care and the child seems to be relaxed even though Christmas will be different this year for him.

Along the lines of her questioning me about my exams and future prospects we talked about what we plan to do if there would be the possibility of a child during next year. I said that we had to move in this case and that I would postpone my start into the working life for half a year. She caught the moving thing and asked if our roommate couldn't move out in that case. I just smiled (along with my BiL who was grinning from one ear to the other) and said that he was unlikely to ever move out again and that all of us would move together. She laughed and said: “You got accustomed to him for sure!” We left it at that.

We talked about the next cousin get together and decided that we would like to host it at our place (my siblings and I still live on the same property). My sister wasn't pleased by the way the last meeting had taken place (some cousins haven't been invited, the organizers forgot about them) and wants to take things into her own hands this time. Seems like my opportunity to introduce Lin to the family arose sooner than I expected. Yeay :) We will see how it goes in some months' time.
 
Clash of personalities

[Nothing poly related at all, just some random thoughts I didn't know where else to put.]

As I just read about the difficulties another couple is experiencing and because I could so picture myself in this situation if things go wrong one way or the other, my thoughts were circling around it for a while. Heavily circling, all the 'what if's' coming hard at me. I know that this destructive habit isn't anything I should hold up to in any way, but I can't control it. So I thought about all the little possible scenarios and such. I am still unable to find some rest (partly because of this matter, partly because of my legs, they are hurting tonight) and may just write about it to clear my head.

The main problem is, that I can picture Lin in a position, where he would say some really hurtful things. Cold, full of anger and hate. Assuming that things would be at a final turn for the worst, in some extreme situation between us. And I am not used to people like that. At least not some that are dear to me. During our first argument I was dumbstruck how fierce he was. Regardless of the real problem underneath, I have a hard time coping with his way of expressing frustration and anger. I am still thinking about this confrontation from time to time, because I don't really know how to react to this.

I don't have this problem with Sward, when he gets frustrated or angry I know that the hurtful things he says aren't meant that way, he is way more 'kind' when being 'hateful'. But Lin … he is aggressive and intense, a real hothead and he exactly knows what he is saying. And in that exact moment, he means it. I have never been with someone like that and I am still at a loss how to deal with this, without loosing my balance like I did the first time. (Still thinking of it is obviously not dealing with the matter in a efficient way :rolleyes:)

I guess, the main problem is that I am not able to picture myself in this situation. I can imagine Lin hating me, but I can't imagine me hating him. That's where the hurt comes from. I couldn't stand him turning cold now, I can't imagine a given situation when I would. And I guess as well, the reason why I do this is because I feel kind of insecure. But I don't really know why. There should be a reason why I feel this way, but I haven't found it yet. There should be a reason WHY I can imagine him hating me at all. My head is strange tonight, it seems.
 
A few thoughts:

You seem to go back and forth on whether you're upset by the possibility that he would feel hateful thoughts vs the possibility that he would express them. Maybe it's both, but I wonder if it would be helpful to think about them separately.

To me it seems like you can imagine him hating you because you think you saw a glimpse of it. Do you think it could help to have him explain more what his emotions were like during that past fight, not focusing on the topic of the disagreement but on his experience of the emotions, so you could understand it better?

I remember when my son was small(er), there were times that I was so furious with him that I felt that I hated him, and that during such moments it was impossible for me to be aware of love as well. This surprised my husband, who was still aware of love even in his moments of anger, and it disturbed him a bit too. Perhaps he thought I could not truly love my son and feel this, but I did. Perhaps this is a little parallel to your situation?

You mention insecurity, as if the fact that he can feel something that looks like hate means he doesn't actually love you; the alternative may be that he feels so strongly for you that the idea of loss is more than he can deal with, and his response is anger.

It reminds me of parts of a book I read recently, called "Mistakes were made (but not by me)", on how we tend to defend ourselves against things that make us feel bad. (The author wrote a interesting book on anger as well). If you stay really stuck on this idea maybe it'd be something to explore.
 
Thanks for taking the time to respond to this fallout of a nightly funk. I think you touched on some important bits.

To me it seems like you can imagine him hating you because you think you saw a glimpse of it.

Totally right, I feel that I saw a glimpse and am unsure how to handle the 'whole' if it was ever thrown right into my face. We already talked about his emotions after the fight and he simply explained that this was his outlet, that he is indeed nearly steaming with anger in those moments and that he on the other hand never met a person who is as calm as me. All his previous girlfriends were similar to him, throwing things at him when being mad, screaming, being even more furious than he was. One of his first comments after the fight was “One can't quarrel with you.” and it was kind of frustrated as well. It's something perfectly normal to him. (Same is true for his family, they are really loud and emotional when they disagree or when they are happy with something.)

I remember when my son was small(er), there were times that I was so furious with him that I felt that I hated him, and that during such moments it was impossible for me to be aware of love as well. This surprised my husband, who was still aware of love even in his moments of anger, and it disturbed him a bit too. Perhaps he thought I could not truly love my son and feel this, but I did. Perhaps this is a little parallel to your situation?

This would be what is going on in our case. I can't 'hate' that way. I can't be furious when I am angry, not in this irrational, emotional way. Every moments of our fight I was unable to forget the 'love-element' of our overall relationship, while he seemed to explode into a person I didn't know. That's part of the reason why I feel insecure, I guess. That there is more to him than I know and I wouldn't be able to handle it if he showed me. I can't come up with a way to manage it, because I feel at a disadvantage. How to answer to someone who is 'hitting' you when you want to 'stroke' him? (Not literally, of course, but that was the first fitting example I could think of.)

Maybe it's just too new for me and I will kind of get used to it over the years. It isn't something daily by far (just happened once until now) and maybe I am overreacting.

the alternative may be that he feels so strongly for you that the idea of loss is more than he can deal with, and his response is anger.

I don't know how much truth is inside this assumption, I will ask when we talk about this topic again. Partially it is true that he wouldn't be able to argue with someone not as dear to him as me in such a way. But I don't know if it is because of a fear of loss.

Getting to know each other is a real slow process in this case as it seems :rolleyes: Thanks again, wildflowers, for giving some perspective.
 
There a new year has arrived and I am uneasy as always when there is some kind of real or just felt change. I just don't like it *sigh* Unsatisfied with whatever there is in the back of my mind. Maybe I haven't got enough to do and to occupy myself with, which will change soon hopefully. I am missing something without knowing what; I am restless.

I have spoken with Lin about the previous topic, read the post out aloud (translated, of course) even. It wasn't the best idea, as it seemed. He felt guilty of having a trait to him that almost made me fear the next controversy between us. I guess this was the best we could do, we talked about how different we just are and how different our upbringing had been, how our family and surrounding have moulded our ways of handling stress, finding solutions for problems at hand or voicing our anger and frustration.

He told me a little anecdote about a verbal duel him and his father were having once. In the end they stood nose to nose screaming at each other without anyone giving way. I couldn't even imagine a situation when I would find myself in this position with anyone. In retrospect I asked him if he felt that I had 'wounded' him in our quarrel with any word or claim I made. After some pondering he said no, I didn't. That would be the main difference, I guess. I cannot hate or hurt when I love, it seems, even when I am frustrated and furious. Maybe I am too logical, maybe to cool headed, maybe not emotional enough. I don't know.

We will see how this develops. The best outcome would be that we may keep everything in mind when something like a quarrel will happen again. Maybe it is just a question of 'getting used' to it on both sides.

New Year's Eve was quiet. A bit boring even, but none of us had the wish to attend some greater gathering or party. Therefore we sat with whine, cheese, grapes and bread and quietly welcomed the new year. As I left our Christmas, the only interesting thing that happened, was around the visit of my 'in Laws', who came for coffee and cake and talked lively with Lin as well, when they were there. Nothing I will read too much into, but it was nice to notice how well they got along. Not knowing anything about the nature of our relationship(s), of course, but maybe I will be lucky to witness this later on as well with everything on the table.

Lin and I will visit his father's 60. birthday in two weeks. I am looking forward to this, because his whole family will be present and I only know his parents, siblings and grandmother so far. We won't talk about Sward, as far as I was informed, because his sisters are weary that this may cause some problems for them along the relatives and who else may hear of it. No problem for me, they have every right to have their surrounding undisturbed. I will hardly see those people again any time soon, at all. But I love family gatherings and especially after the last quarrel-topic Lin and I discussed, I am curious how the atmosphere will be and if I find it so different from the vibe I get around mine or Sward's family.
 
It helps to understand HOW people respond when they fight and family background plays a big part in that. In my house, I'm more like Lin, the emotions tend to hit like a freight train and explode. My husband is much more passive aggressive (which I never understood until recently) and neither of us did well at reading each other, especially during a disagreement. When the fight starts, I'm usually the one yelling and screaming and overcome with anger and hurt, so by the time my husband hits the point of screaming, I instantly go completely calm (mostly because he is hit the point of absolute irrationality).

Studying up on different types of communications and learning about "non-violent" communications helped us a great deal in being able to deal with the other. This is something you can do together. He is used to people fighting "his way" and equally doesn't fully understand how you don't respond the way he is used to. It's likely that he can see it as a sign that you don't care as much or such, because you don't have that sudden flash of emotion. Keep talking about it, but in small doses. Also don't make him feel that only he has to change to match what you want. Neither way is inherently WRONG and there is always things each of you can do to fight better.
 
Also don't make him feel that only he has to change to match what you want. Neither way is inherently WRONG and there is always things each of you can do to fight better.

Don't worry about that. At least, well, one might worry a bit here, as I told him that it wasn't his fault obviously and that I didn't tell him to seek him to change his ways, as I know that he just works that way by now. I told him that I was searching for a solution for myself to handle his emotions the next time they hit me like some sledgehammer and be better prepared for it. But despite my explanation WHY I was so consumed with the topic he didn't quite understood that I was searching for a way out for me, not asking of him to not be himself.

I am still uncertain if he will be able to see this as something we both need to work on. He hates the thought of having such a trait to him that causes me so much unrest and in a way even worry. (Or me having a trait that reacts so badly, put it as you may; he sees this from the point of view of 'who is at fault' - I never understood this search for blame, but he is always at it. :rolleyes:)

And I wouldn't call my reaction passive aggressive. I am just calmer. I tell the person I am in whatever way disagreeing with, what my problems are (in general, with said person, etc.), I can get a bit louder if I get the feeling that I am not understood or answered in a not befitting way, but I never screamed or got personal beyond the matter at stake. (As far as I remember) As soon as I notice that the discussion gets us nowhere I break off the talk and wait some time to think some more and wait for the other to think about everything as well.

Lin just has to get all his frustration and anger out at once. And isn't satisfied until he voiced all of it. After this explosion things are settled for him (even if I would never call that 'settled' when I noticed a standstill or a stalemate) and he just forgets about it. I can't let go before everything was cleared, that's why we collided the second time and things got worse. It wasn't settled from my point of view and I dug at it again, which is utterly unnerving for him.

As I said some time ago: We found our kryptonite ;)
 
And I wouldn't call my reaction passive aggressive. I am just calmer.

I didn't mean to imply that YOU were passive aggressive. Just that after reading up on different behavior styles, I finally had a name to put with my husband. I have absolutely NO experience in how to deal with passive aggressive personalities and he has no frame of reference for how I react. I am now learning how to deal with his personality type and am OK with letting certain things slide without taking offense or personalizing it. In the same light, I have been able to modify how I deal with my explosive tendencies, it takes practice and thought, but it can be done. Recognizing that I'm in that place is a big step. For years, I did think that it was all my fault and that if I could just pretend to be calmer and ignore the feelings it would improve things. It didn't!
 
I second SNEacail above. I've been on the receiving end of this, like you. I am not the type to lash out in anger but was facing a partner verbally exploding with hatred on me, over something I'd triggered. It shattered me, sometimes still does, but I now know it is his way of letting off steam, and something he needs.. It's him expressing his reaction to something, and is part of the process of working it out, no more than that. It's coming from a place of deep hurt/anger, yes, but it's usually a momentary flash rather than bubbling up from a seething pit of resentment...

You know, you asked Lin if he felt wounded by anything you said... maybe it wasn't something you said, but the situation which pained him and triggered that response?

Glad you're learning more about each other's communication styles :) I love the way you three seem to talk things out
 
I was searching for a solution for myself to handle his emotions the next time they hit me like some sledgehammer and be better prepared for it.

For me, it helps to first recognise it for what it is - "oh shit, this has really triggered something for him, he's letting off steam", curl up into myself and wait for him to get it all out... I keep aware of what he's saying, and my reactions to it... Sometimes I don't feel broken by anything because I see it for what it is (an extreme reaction, poorly phrased, whatever) but if I have been hurt by something he said, I bring it up in my response. "When you said that, it hurt me..." etc. He usually apologises and clarifies his words, and we end up discussing the issue itself in a relatively calm, cuddly way. Maybe a few more flares up of emotions but nothing that morphs the words we use into fire-breathing dragons :)
 
I didn't mean to imply that YOU were passive aggressive. Just that after reading up on different behavior styles, I finally had a name to put with my husband.

Ah, sorry, got that mixed up as it seems.

I have absolutely NO experience in how to deal with passive aggressive personalities and he has no frame of reference for how I react. I am now learning how to deal with his personality type and am OK with letting certain things slide without taking offense or personalizing it.

I am experienced with passive aggressiveness for sure. That's Sward's way. Something equally unnerving and nonconstructive most of the time, but I am just used to it, I guess. Something that shows me, how fresh the relationship between Lin and me still is, as I need to make up my mind about so many things concerning him and me. Everything's mostly sorted out with Sward after all those years ^.^ (And Lin is having a hard time with this trait of Sward right now. It isn't something he is used to as well.)

In the same light, I have been able to modify how I deal with my explosive tendencies, it takes practice and thought, but it can be done. Recognizing that I'm in that place is a big step. For years, I did think that it was all my fault and that if I could just pretend to be calmer and ignore the feelings it would improve things. It didn't!

Yup, that's what I thought. He needs to get those things out and it wouldn't do him any good to pretend they or the need to voice them aren't there.

You know, you asked Lin if he felt wounded by anything you said... maybe it wasn't something you said, but the situation which pained him and triggered that response?

Wounded was meant in the context of communication style. He lashes out when he gets frustrated, attacks personally and strays from the main topic we are having a problem with. That's why I asked him, if he feel I did the same and he had to realize that I never did something like that. I am factual and mostly impersonal as far as a personal matter/trigger can be. He is outraged and sweeps across every thinkable field remotely connected to the topic at hand that comes to mind.

I know what triggered the response: pride vs dogmatism. There is quite a complex, underlying structure beside those main problematic traits but that's what it comes down to in the end. The difference is, that as soon as we reach the place of frustration (feeling misunderstood, unnerved and just feed up with everything) Lin needs to voice his frustration and afterwards forgets about it, while I would just retreat, cool off by myself, revisit the real problem and want to start talking about it again, to solve it. For Lin, it is solved as soon as he found that there isn't a solution other than telling the other party that he isn't happy with this or that. For me, those personal attacks stay and leave a bad taste in my mouth, even when the other stuff is cleared up. Both of us were right in retrospection, it wasn't something solvable (at least the underlying pattern isn't) and the main problem was solved through other means. I am searching for a way to deal with the bad aftertaste of the fallout.

Glad you're learning more about each other's communication styles :) I love the way you three seem to talk things out

I like that as well, even though Lin is more or less exhausted because of it. As he is more used to little explosions and no further talk, my need to dig at things again isn't something he likes. But yes, we can talk about nearly everything. It just needs to be in smaller doses from time to time :D

Sometimes I don't feel broken by anything because I see it for what it is (an extreme reaction, poorly phrased, whatever) but if I have been hurt by something he said, I bring it up in my response. "When you said that, it hurt me..." etc. He usually apologises and clarifies his words, and we end up discussing the issue itself in a relatively calm, cuddly way. Maybe a few more flares up of emotions but nothing that morphs the words we use into fire-breathing dragons :)

This will be the way we need to go. I am curious how it goes for us, because for me apologizing doesn't really work, at least it didn't last time. Yes, I see that he is sorry, yes, I know he didn't mean it that way … theoretically. (In my head: ) The fact that he was able to say it means that there is a part of him that thinks that way about me. Right now, I am having a hard time not feeling hurt but words coming from extreme reactions, that are poorly phrased or meant in a slightly different manner … I need to work on that. And I need to work on letting go … this will keep me occupied for quite some time, I suppose.
 
He is outraged and sweeps across every thinkable field remotely connected to the topic at hand that comes to mind.

And likely somethings that aren't related. OK, were out of bullets, lets pull out the hand grenades, then the homemade bombs, when all else fails reach for rocks...

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE HERE :eek:- BTDT!

The first and foremost thing I would address is the need for him stay on topic during an argument. What help will he accept from you (what can you do to get him back on target without making things worse)? He can pause and write down, anything that surfaces that's NOT immediately related to bring up later. Most of the time, the stuff that surfaces, is just a way of playing dirty and is not really an issue, until it seems useful as ammunition. Believe it or not, staying on topic will help diffuse some of the anger that builds up as well.
 
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And likely somethings that aren't related. OK, were out of bullets, lets pull out the hand grenades, then the homemade bombs, when all else fails reach for rocks...

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE HERE :eek:- BTDT!

The first and foremost thing I would address is the need for him stay on topic during an argument. What help will he accept from you (what can you do to get him back on target without making things worse)? He can pause and write down, anything that surfaces that's NOT immediately related to bring up later. Most of the time, the stuff that surfaces, is just a way of playing dirty and is not really an issue, until it seems useful as ammunition. Believe it or not, staying on topic will help diffuse some of the anger that builds up as well.


No, it's always related, he doesn't do this. There is always a connection to the problem. It's not the things he says, it's the way he does it. Both of us are right or wrong when it comes to our point of view that is discussed, but I have a hard time dealing with the way he looks, the way he behaves, the atmosphere that is there, when he is outraged. He never insulted me or used unfair or really foul language. He is just harsh, cold and totally distant. (Maybe the lashing out part was a poor choice for a description, I didn't mean words, I mean looks, gestures and such. Words as well, but not foul language. It's complicated *scratches head*)

Writing things down would help me, we had one or two quarrels like that over the years and I didn't have the problem because we weren't face to face back then. Fighting with a computer screen is no problem for me. It's the feeling of complete disconnection that is hard on me when I look into his eyes. But, well, writing things down wouldn't do him any good ^.^

We talked shortly about the topic yesterday evening and agreed that we will try to separate in the next given moment, when such a confrontation should arise and we notice that we aren't getting anywhere by further talking about it. He admitted that me turning my back on him in the given situation would be another trigger for his wrath, but he doesn't mind to let off his steam alone afterwards. I guess I will see how a little walk could affect the situation and if it will do us any good.
 
I mean looks, gestures and such

What he says or does, that he can control and modify, but facial expressions, gestures... He can no more control that than the color of his eyes or what his face does when he's asleep. It's hereditary and instinctive (I saw it in my kids when they were still babies).

Learning how to ask for space (and learning how to grant it) is a good thing. Took years before my husband would accept my need for space to calm down, that was after I finally figured out that's what I needed for the rage to die so I could be rational again. Good luck, I know you guys will find some solutions.
 
Goody and possible future relationships

What he says or does, that he can control and modify, but facial expressions, gestures... He can no more control that than the color of his eyes or what his face does when he's asleep. It's hereditary and instinctive (I saw it in my kids when they were still babies)

I know, that's why I need a way to handle this. A big part of the solution will be getting used to it, I guess.

Good luck, I know you guys will find some solutions.

Thanks, as far as I am able to speak of experience here, I am tempted to agree with you on this one :D

_______________________

As I had an interesting conversation with Sward, I thought about sharing it and marking one of our poly-check-ins while at it. Maybe to one day look back on my own coming to terms with the possible polyness of my husband and how things started out.

The thought that Sward may want a second relationship was there right from the beginning. At first, it totally frightened me, I was hardly able to understand myself in regard to my desires, I felt unable to start thinking about my former 'one and only' going through something like this as well. It is still a bit scary, because I don't know how he would handle multiple relationships and (as usual ^.^) I am starting with the worst possible outcome when thinking about it. But I became more and more comfortable around the theoretical concept. I thought myself into a safe place by now.

Over the course of almost a year he developed a really close friendship with our neighbor's daughter (the neighbor who is my godmother). As she is a regular part of our life (more precisely his life), I thought about naming her, even though there aren't positive names coming to mind, when I try to characterize her. I will go with Goody, I guess, because she is a real goody-goody. She is one of those persons who can't say no, totally naive, stuck in a relationship with a real douchebag, gets pushed around daily and asks herself all the while, why there are so many problems in her life. Because of Sward's caring nature, he started to listen to her worries and tried to help her see the whole of the situation she is in. Wasn't successful up to now, I guess it never will be, I lost my patience with her months ago.

Short description: She is 10 years younger than us, a bit overweight, blonde, shy, a pleaser, never shuts up as soon as she gets comfortable enough to actually start talking and in need of some self discipline in many areas of her life. Goody has acquired many of those traits from her mother, both women are too sweet-natured and not used to stand up for themselves.

He was out with her and a good friend of hers yesterday. They went drinking and talked. That's why we came to discuss his possible desire for a second relationship. Not with her or her friend, just in general. They asked him if he was 'allowed' to search for another woman for himself or if I would have a problem with this. Sward answered that we would have to see in any given case that this may be happening for him and that he wasn't sure how things would work out in that case. From Sward's point of view it would be really difficult to find someone, because he works most of the time, has only every second night to spend and wouldn't really want that person to come live with us, because he thinks that this would be too stressful for him. Both girls assured him that he would be able to find someone, 'because there are many women out there, who have the same problem with time and space and wouldn't want a relationship 24/7 at all'.

Aside from the possibilities that are surely there, in my opinion, (of course Sward would be able to find someone and the girls where right as far as I am concerned) I explained to him, how far I have come with making up my mind regarding this topic.

I wouldn't want anyone living with us, I guess. I am normally having a hard time with people in 'my space' and the person joining in, would need some personality along the lines of Lin's to blend with mine. Sward's and my bedroom would be off limits, as well as many of our shared activities most of the time. I don't mind someone coming along now and then, but not on a regular basis. Living next to each other or in a closer area of each other would be perfectly fine. I just need my own household to be separate. I wouldn't mind children in the long run, as well as a 60/40 or even 50/50 time-split (I guess, not sure about this one).

That's as far as I have come. Everything theory, nothing slightly put into practice and I know that I would be a lot slower with my processing than Sward back then. But I think that it would be complicated, that I would need some kind of secondary arrangement for quite some time, maybe for ever, because I can't imagine him living with someone else and not with me. (If one defines secondary as not living together, not sharing finances, not getting most of his time, yada, yada …) I am more like Lin in regard to intimacy. Sward does not only not mind being exposed to Lin and my intimacy, he even likes it in some ways. I would need more space and wouldn't want to know too much.

How valid all of this is … I have no idea, but that would be the point I am at right now. We will see.
 
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*sigh*

Oh dear, I am crushing hard on my Literary Studies professor. I don't know where this comes from all of a sudden, but seeing her again today after the Christmas break wasn't particularly helpful in a way :rolleyes: I am starting to feel physically drawn to her and I miss her presence when I am on my way home.

Normally she is objective, distant and professional when she holds her seminars, but from time to time (whenever she gets into the topic at hand or when she has a special personal interest in it) she turns into this charming, radiant 'fangirl' of her subject/ concept/ a personal story or thought of the students and mostly I am taken unaware every time it happens. There is so much I like about those moments. One gets to see a part of her private self that she normally not displays publicly. An intimate moment in a certain way. And she loves to discuss and even to agree to disagree when this happens. And she does this in 2 out of 3 times when talking with me (in those seminars I participate in, of course, I can hardly say anything about the rest).

I know, probably my wishful thinking making things up, but it is so tempting … :eek: I really like her openness, her honesty and authenticity; she has this special charm and it seems that I am quite weak to it. I am really curious to get to see more of her, but at the same time I know that this won't come into being, which makes me sad. Feeling a bit like a child, wanting the thing not available to me … unreachable but seductive and quite some stuff to ponder about for my restless mind at the moment.

___________________

Just thought about this in the evening, next morning there is a mail in my inbox, asking me if I would want to go for a coffee at the end of the semester. *tears hair* argh … this seems just so fruitless and futile. What should come out of it? Do I have time? Is there space in my life for it? Would Lin be OK with something like that? (As far as I am informed, it would be a yes from Sward...) Do I have reason to keep pondering about this? Is the possibility of 'something' developing even remotely given? As far as I am able to tell, the answer would be 'No' in every case. Should I go to find out that I will keep thinking even more about her as soon as I discover some more private aspects and character traits?

Probably, I should just stop fussing about this 'nothing' turning into 'something'. But I guess, I am kind of afraid of it being the case in the end. Because right from the start, this wouldn't work. *turns off head* This is just stupid.
 
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