Nice to know I'm not just a "whore"

My current set of challenges involve "coming out" to myself and finally, to my soon-to-be-ex-husband who has very traditional, monogamist values. All attempts at frank, rational conversation with him on the topic led to more and more mistrust and restrictions and finally, to violent arguing (things thrown, lots of screaming) and verbal abuse.

I am now working on putting myself in a financially stable situation so that I can move with my son to New Orleans--a city more accepting of my "proclivities" where I have friends and am happy.

Oh darn it. Sorry your STBX isn't on board with polyamory. That is unfortunate.


1. I want a "primary" with whom I am also the "primary."
2. I'm pretty sure I want a non-monogamous but secure, committed relationship with this primary where there are "safe sex circle" rules.
3. I want both myself and the primary to be free to have both sexual intimacy as well as the liberty to love others of each primary's choosing--so long as the primary relationship is not placed at risk.
4. I want ALL parties to be treated with the same amount of respect and love and honesty. The "satellite" relationships might not have as much choice in the workings of my relationship with my "primary," but their feelings will matter. Their rights and value will matter.

I've got a primary partner. We've been together over 2 years and dealing with being poly is one of the easiest of our issues. Even when one or the other of us doesn't have a suitable secondary, it's so nice to just be able to check out hot people on the street together and not feel threatened! We have similar taste in men and women we find attractive, so it's real fun!

Since you mentioned that "humans aren't monogamist animals," may I also recommend Sex at Dawn? It's got tons of data which very convincingly shows humans, like bonobos, are meant to be (promiscuous, poly, swingers) non-monogamous. Pre-agricultural unter/gatherer tribes of 10,000 yrs ago, and present day foraging societies in many countries, share goods/food/child-rearing, as they do their bodies for sex.
 
I've got a primary partner. We've been together over 2 years and dealing with being poly is one of the easiest of our issues. Even when one or the other of us doesn't have a suitable secondary, it's so nice to just be able to check out hot people on the street together and not feel threatened! We have similar taste in men and women we find attractive, so it's real fun!

Since you mentioned that "humans aren't monogamist animals," may I also recommend Sex at Dawn? It's got tons of data which very convincingly shows humans, like bonobos, are meant to be (promiscuous, poly, swingers) non-monogamous. Pre-agricultural unter/gatherer tribes of 10,000 yrs ago, and present day foraging societies in many countries, share goods/food/child-rearing, as they do their bodies for sex.

You always say the most intriguing things! This made me giggle today. No idea why.
 
I was not a whore. I was not a stupid whore, either.

I totally get that, Carma. Sorry if I offended you, I'm involved with sex worker rights activism and have a somewhat morbid relationship with the W word. I've been called Stupid Whore for living my life the way I love it, so the word has more positive connotations for me.

In what comes to labels, I think they always tell more about the person using them than about the person they are used on. So when I read 'whore', it immediately connects in my mind with the sex work movement, like in the 'Declaration of the Rights of Whores' etc. Positive re-claiming stuff. I was being sarcastic about the way many people seem to damn women who are in control of their own sexuality and damn those that aren't. Comments like 'stupid whore' just emphasize the way this ideology that upholds the whole whore/madonna paradigm really says that sex is something women do for men/money/to have children/wtf ever, and if they do it for themselves, they are whores and/or sluts.
 
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I wonder if the world was poly, would the brothels go out of business?
Oh no, I don't think so!! They would be life-affirming sacred sanctuaries where people could find healing, relieve stress, and just have a good time without being stigmatized. Anyone working there, male, female, or otherwise, would be there of their own free will, not in deference to some abusive pimp, and making money doing what they love. And sex work would not be illegal and all genders and orientations could go and partake of what was available. And of course, all the poly scientists would have worked double fast to find cures for every STI and STD out there, so we'd be all right. :D
 
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Yeah, instead of heading downtown to hang out at the shake shack or burger joint, people would go to the sex bars. And most would be alcohol-free, for those who do not imbibe, but also so that people know they can be clear-headed while engaging in sex with someone they don't know and for which they paid. And there would be playgrounds outside, just like McDonald's, where children would play while waiting for one or both parents to come out and they would learn that sex is good for the soul and body. And the workers would send holiday cards to all their customers and people would hang them up with the cards from their families and say things like, "Oh, did you see the card that Emma sent us? She gives such great head." And relatives would nod and agree or talk about their favorite professional before clinking glasses in a holiday toast.
 
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I wonder if the world was poly, would the brothels go out of business?

Probably not. Poly is about love. Brothels are about instant gratification of fantasy and need.
 
"Oh, did you see the card that Emma sent us? She gives such great head."
Utopia!

I like your thinking! I'm envisioning 'east meets west' holistic sex spas. Bliss!
Sex work is legal here, so its completely possible. If only it were covered by insurance as a therapy...the shrinks would lose a fair bit of business me thinks!

To get slightly back on topic (but not really), in this accepting world of yours I doubt we would refer to these people as whores anyhow.
 
Probably not. Poly is about love. Brothels are about instant gratification of fantasy and need.

But is it possible that a lot of that need, is just one of the symptoms of a isolated and unfulfilled heart?

You say Poly is about love, love heals does it not?

:)
 
You're confusing instant gratification-type need with woundedness.

Does the legalization and open sharing of recipes make candy stores obsolete?
 
You're confusing instant gratification-type need with woundedness.

Does the legalization and open sharing of recipes make candy stores obsolete?

No, I'm not confusing it. But think its too easy to just label stuff as a 'need' without looking beneath the surface. Its possible that the need for instant gratification is in part a product of culture. It could be biologically conditioned through reward pathways in the brain. "I feel stressed. i go to brothel. stress is alleviated. next time i get stressed...guess where I'm headed...straight back to the cookie jar"

I'm only debating the point, i don't necessarily agree with my argument lol.

In some tantric practices its believed that the male body only needs a physiological ejaculation once every couple of months. And what we actually seek for 'instant gratification' is the experience of release associated with it. In training they can bring you close to orgasm and then teach you how release that build up of energy through breath work and muscle contractions.
 
in this accepting world of yours I doubt we would refer to these people as whores anyhow.

In ancient Israel they were called qudesha (female) and qudeshim (male). In ancient Greece they were called heirophants. Both words mean "holy ones."
 
Stargazer,

Can one newbie welcome another? Glad to know there are others out there striving for a broader understanding of love, even if it means big changes. The only thing I know so far is staying open to everything is the only way to make sure you don't miss anything. Have fun and keep us updated on your adventure.
 
Stargazer,

Can one newbie welcome another? Glad to know there are others out there striving for a broader understanding of love, even if it means big changes. The only thing I know so far is staying open to everything is the only way to make sure you don't miss anything. Have fun and keep us updated on your adventure.

Thank you!

My adventure thus far has been filled with wobbliness and scrapes. Working on finding stability but I'm kinda alone over here with no idea how to ride this bike. Just working the pedals and doing my best.

:)
 
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