Disoriented after being chased and dumped by a "poly-friendly" guy...

LadyLigeia

New member
Hello, everyone! This is my first posting that isn't an introduction. To preface, I am in an open relationship with my partner of almost nine years. Our relationship wasn't open for the entire duration and we weren't always "officially" together, but seeing as I am a relationship anarchist, I consider it all the same because we treated each other the same. It's interesting - He wishes he were invited on more crazy sexual adventures like the ones that individuals and couples extend to me, but I wish I had more sustainable, lasting connections like he does. Anyway...

Something happened a few months ago and it is still bothering the hell out of me. Someone contacted me on Fetlife who my friend wanted to hook me up with a while ago. We had a lot of strange things in common and I thought he was really attractive. He possessed all of the traits of the guys I normally crush on. I've been burned before and I am FAR from socially inept, so I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly. He told me he was poly-friendly and had been in a polyamorous relationship before. He initiated 70% of our contact. Our first date was great... Except for the sex and he wasn't a great kisser. (Before you blame me, I have been told by MANY people without any provocation on my part that I am an excellent kisser, usually one of the best that others have encountered. I've also been told that I'm great in bed.) However, I'm the kind of person where the sex is good so long as I like the person. Since this was someone my friend knew quite well, down went the boundaries and I "played" with him and had sex with him.

I just really, really want to firmly establish that I wasn't being overwhelming or clingy. That is SO not my swag.

Afterwards, he continued to initiate our contact via text and would ask me what I was doing, supposedly to make plans. Our mutual friend had moved so she was visiting from far away. Demonstrative of his eagerness, he actually wanted to hang out the very first day she came home, before she even had spent any time with her daughter. Instead, he asked to hang out another day later in the week.

The casual texting continued. One night, we were gonna hang out but our friend had to cancel. My friend's psychedelic punk band was playing at this new bar so I invited him. It really wasn't meant to be anything too personal. The night wound up being great - that bar is now one of my favorites and the bar owners love me... Except he never texted back. Same thing happened when I told him when my friend was leaving.

I shot him some sporadic texts, as the day we were all supposed to chill was coming up and he wanted to know when our friend was leaving. He didn't contact either of us until we both hit him up on the actual day we made plans for. I had been extremely depressed (as was my friend) for various reasons and I had just found out that day that one of my best friends might have become terminally ill. I'm a really, really nice person but because of my romantic disappointments, dating and stuff makes me very anxious. We both had to drink to get ourselves up to snuff to socialize.

The whole time... He ignored me. He didn't ask how I was. He hardly included me in anything. I had to forcibly interject myself into every conversation. It upset me so much, that I had to go to the bathroom because I was starting to tear up, mostly because this was the LAST thing that I needed, given all of my problems. While I was in the bathroom, he told my friend that he thought I had a "crush" on him and that if he were to get a monogamous girlfriend, he would have to leave me.

Ummm... WHAT?! This was literally the second time we had ever hung out. My mind was TOTALLY not going there. Yeah, I had a crush on him... He was a cool guy. We played together and fucked. What was wrong with it? My crush seemed very reciprocated up until that night. I SWEAR it wasn't in my head. Upon the insistence of my friend - who was also really mad at him ("I'm gonna spare you the gory details, but she doesn't ever want to see you again.") - he sent me a letter basically saying that he wasn't ready for polyamory. Me being the sweetheart I am, I told him, "Oh, it's ok. I should have been more understanding." He messaged me about a month later saying, "Oh, how sweet of you! I appreciate your offering to help me out with polyamory." (I was/am going to start an advice column because of the tremendous volume of questions I get.) Thus, in response, I basically told him that he was very rude to me and to not contact me ever again unless it was to apologize, not that it would really make a difference.

I'm still traumatized. Actually, I'm crying now as I write this.

I'm really afraid of pursuing people now and I question my judgment. Many of my crushes have been unrequited so I've become hypervigilant about making sure that it's a two-way street and I never appear needy. People often tell me I'm attractive. (Usually, I get told I look like Kate Winslet but recently, I've been getting Kat Dennings more than anything.) There are plenty of other monsters in the loch. People are always asking me out, but it isn't often that it's someone I'm attracted to. I'm not one of those people who wants what I can't have, either.

Can anyone please help me make sense of this situation? Why would someone project the image of utmost comfort and enthusiasm, only to suddenly withdraw it? He was the one making plans for future hangouts, such as referencing movies "we" had to watch together or stuff he'd like for "us" to do. I didn't do any of this fast-forwarding. I have a feeling I'm more socially and sexually experienced than him, but he's still dated a ton of girls and stuff so that doesn't explain anything. This was also MONTHS ago and it's not that I miss him - It's more that the situation really freaked me out on many levels. I like to just let relationships be what they are. I get uncomfortable when monogamous people try to compartmentalize our connection in accordance with cultural scripts. He said he didn't want to ruin my "expectations" but I never really had any aside from the ones that he set forth.

Any insights? You have no idea how much it would mean to me because this instance, along with some other mishaps, have formed a horrendous complex that is negatively impacting other areas of my life and self image.

If you read all of that, thank you. I'm sorry it's so long. I REALLY need help with this, though.
 
I think you are just wasting too much time and energy on someone who isn't worth it. You were disappointed but there is no reason to indulge in feeling sorry for yourself nor in figuring the guy out - let this experience just be one blip on your radar screen as it passes by. Move on. As the saying (sort of) goes: "Don't let assholes live rent-free in your head." His antics don't have anything to do with you, so whenever you find yourself again pondering what happened, distract yourself with something else, get occupied with a task, etc. You have better things to do!
 
Never make someone a priority who makes you an option .
 
Some people get a kick out of the chase. As soon as they feel they have "caught" you, they lose interest and look for their next prey. I've been there and done that. Forget him. If you're friends on Fetlife or any other social networking sites, block him. Delete any emails or messages you've received, delete his contact, any pictures, basically everything. Empty your recycle bin and get to forgetting you ever met him. As NYC said, distract yourself. The sooner you stop thinking about him, the better. Good luck.
 
Being rejected is never fun. Sounds like he just wasn't in to you and didn't have the decency to be honest and upfront. Ive met lots of guys like that and eventually just stopped having sex with someone right away. But even then there is still people out there who wait it out then suddenly lose interest when the thrill of the chase is gone.
 
Sigh. What you post about is sadly so common it even has a couple of nicknames. "Hit-and-run." "Hump-and-dump."

Back when I was open to having sex right off the bat on the first or second date (years ago now), I found that the world is full of dumbass men who think that if they get something too easily (sex with a particular woman), then the sex, and the woman, isn't worth having. And how much they enjoyed the sex didn't seem to factor into this equation at all.

Just don't sleep with anyone right away anymore. Make them put in the time to get to know you. You will weed out a lot of assholes that way, likely most of them. And please put this particular asshole out of your mind. He isn't worth your spit.
 
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I'm sorry you hurt. :(

Here's how it plays out to me behavior wise --

YOUR BEHAVIOR

I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly.

Our first date was great... Except for the sex and he wasn't a great kisser. Since this was someone my friend knew quite well, down went the boundaries and I "played" with him and had sex with him.

Basically you found your behavior did not serve you well. :(

You state you know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly. And... you let the boundaries down and came on strong and fast in sharing play/sex on the first date. Could not do that next time. Call it lesson learned, and obey your own limits more often.

HIS BEHAVIOR:


  • He contacted me on Fetlife -- our friend wanted to get us together.
  • He told me he was poly-friendly and had been in a polyamorous relationship before.
  • He initiated 70% of our contact.
  • He was willing to play/share sex on the first date with me.
  • Afterwards, he continued to initiate our contact via text and would ask me what I was doing, supposedly to make plans.
  • He also demonstrated eagerness to hang out with our visiting common friend -- even before she had a chance to be with her kid.
  • (She declined?) so he asked to hang out with her and me another day later in the week.
  • We make plans to hang in trio, but she has to cancel. He and I go to bar. Though he came along, he never texted me back afterward.
  • He didn't contact either of us until we both hit him up on the actual day we made plans for. Then he wanted to know when she was leaving.
  • We all go out. The whole time... He ignored me. He didn't ask how I was. He hardly included me in anything. I had to forcibly interject myself into every conversation.

So on and so forth. To me is sounds like maybe he is more into your friend than you, and maybe he was hoping that getting with you in "polyship" would pave the access road to her? I don't know. :(

But in your next behavior -- this was self respecting behavior that you did:
I basically told him that he was very rude to me and to not contact me ever again unless it was to apologize, not that it would really make a difference
.

You could be proud of that behavior.

I'm still traumatized. Actually, I'm crying now as I write this.I'm really afraid of pursuing people now and I question my judgment.

There is nothing wrong with your judgement or your limit. Let me lift it up again:

I know better than to come on too strong or move things too quickly.

That's a good limit to have for yourself. You did not listen to your judgement to help you obey your own limit on this one. Instead you made excuse for yourself -- "oh, my friend knows him... so her judgement of his character is good enough." But her judgement of his character is not YOUR judgement of his character.

So you got burned. Could listen your judgement and obey your limit next time, that's all. Give yourself more time to feel out a potential dating partner's character first and make your OWN judgement of it. :eek:

If you envy this in your other partner and wish this for yourself ...
I wish I had more sustainable, lasting connections like he does.

...you could arrange your behavior so it supports that wish. Could arrange your behavior so you give you a better shot at developing more sustainable, lasting connections like you hope for. Holding off a bit longer to see what kind of character the potential has might serve you better in achieving that wish for more solid relationships. You don't have to try that approach, of course. But if you feel like it you could experiment with other approaches and figure out what serves you best.

In time you will feel better. You can do this. Do your self care, heal, and then try again.

Hang in there! :eek:

Galagirl
 
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LL, I don't think telling you that you should not to have sex on a first date from now on is very helpful, so I won't say that. To me, that stance makes it sound as if his actions can or should be blamed on you for doing so, and it strikes me as slut-shaming. It is not your fault even if he judged you for it and behaved the way he did because you had sex with him right away. He is still responsible for his actions, and he sounds like he would have acted like a dick even if you waited three or five or ten dates before fucking him.

My best, most fulfilling, and longest-lasting relationships started with sex on the first date - so, I don't think that that is what caused it. As I wrote earlier in the thread, how he behaved has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the level of caring, empathy, and consideration this guy is willing to invest in - and he is apparently not willing to invest much of himself in any of those things. He sounds rather self-centered and self-serving. You deserve better, and the kind of treatment you get from men does not always have a direct correlation with whether you share your body with someone soon after meeting them or not. if anything, you simply need to develop better skills in assessing someone's character, and/or adjust your expectations, because there are great guys out there who won't get all stupid and assholish if you fuck them on the first date. It wasn't your fault.
 
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<3

You've all offered me such wonderful insights. In fact, it now feels like tinfoil hat nonsense after all this time. Thanks! :D

Also, I forgot to quote, but no, he definitely wasn't into my friend more than me. I wouldn't care if he was into my friend, as we're quite intimate ourselves, but even though it crossed my mind for a fleeting second, that's not it. I think monogamous people tend to polarize things to extremes... At least that is what I've noticed, but I don't want to paint with a broad brush. You are all right.

Also, I should have phrased it as I am cautious and socially cognizant, as in, it wasn't a case of me being too "intense" or showing too much interest. People usually come to ME for advice in relation to social situations and romance, but it was definitely a learning experience. I'm evidently not free from errant judgment. You've all helped me more than you know.

Thanks so much! If anyone else has any more insights, feel free to offer them because this is the closest I've come to closure. I don't know any other poly people aside from my boyfriend and I so this feels great. :)
 
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Yes, do ignore the slut shaming that occurred earlier. Sex isn't something you give a man, it's something that should be mutually enjoyable. It isn't a reward a guy earns.

This guy just sounds like he decided he wasn't that into you. Simple as that. And that's a risk of dating. You did say that none of the physical stuff was great, that's usually an indication of incompatibility.

What I would say is that you're so adamant that you're a great kisser, not clingy or pushy etc that you don't leave room for someone to say "actually, I find you overbearing". I can tell already that you wouldn't be prepared to take their opinion on board.
 
Yes, do ignore the slut shaming that occurred earlier. Sex isn't something you give a man, it's something that should be mutually enjoyable. It isn't a reward a guy earns.

This guy just sounds like he decided he wasn't that into you. Simple as that. And that's a risk of dating. You did say that none of the physical stuff was great, that's usually an indication of incompatibility.

What I would say is that you're so adamant that you're a great kisser, not clingy or pushy etc that you don't leave room for someone to say "actually, I find you overbearing". I can tell already that you wouldn't be prepared to take their opinion on board.

Actually, I really WOULD at least take it into consideration but I've actually been accused of being the opposite. I think I have long had a "dismissive-avoidant attachment" (which I am working on!) and I've been working on it. Also, I can't imagine someone telling me, "Um, you're too overwhelming" and me being all, "PSSSHHH! Yah, OK! *eye roll*" Seriously, how could someone disregard someone telling you that they find you smothering and bad in bed? Actually, a lot of people, so I definitely don't blame you for thinking that because I honestly probably would have thought the same thing if I were reading this. ;) It's crazy how some people will project or just hear/see what they want to ("askholes" if they ask for advice only to confirm their own opinion) so I'm always cautious and even somewhat paranoid or hypervigilant about not misreading stuff. Then again, I guess everyone is susceptible but not everyone is capable of retaining that kind of awareness. Love can be an extremely potent intoxicant, after all... But that's why stuff like this bothers me - BECAUSE I am so afraid of misinterpretation and stuff. I've started to wonder if this caution is holding me back. Fortunately, I don't make it too obvious, or so I've been told.;) Still, it's there and I've gotta work on it.

If someone DID tell me that I was overwhelming, I'd run for the hills. Actually, I probably would have ran for the hills before they had the chance to tell me because I would have sensed something wrong. I didn't mean to come across as arrogant.

Ignoring social cues for your own convenience + arrogance = not cool

Then again, a lot of people seem more than happy to maintain a personal illusion and shut out all outside perceptions. I don't get it.
 
What? I wasn't trying to slut shame her. (OP, if that is how it came across to you, I apologize. That was not my intent. I was trying to talk about emotional management as related to behavior.)

I was trying to point out that what he does in his behavior is not controllable by OP. She can only control her own self. He behaved less than stellar, but that isn't her fault. It isn't even in her control how he behaves.

I was trying to point out for her emotional management -- that she could go with her own stated boundaries of "not rushing" -- and to me sex on a first date doesn't seem "slow." Her "talk and walk" do not seem to match and the outcome was her feeling UGH. Since she controls what her talk and walk are? She could do something about the mismatch to see if she feels better when they match.

IME, I find that when my talk and walk do not match I end up feeling discombobulated because I made my own waves.

If she prefers to go with a new limit for herself of "I have sex when I feel like it,my partner is agreeable to sharing sex with me" and she shares sex on a first date? Cool. That's another way to get the "talk and walk" to match. This time basing her expectation on "mutual agreeableness" rather than "speed."

I think trying to align her "talk and walk" could be helpful to consider so she doesn't feel discombobulated feelings inside anymore.

Whether she chooses to keep the previous limit and change her walk to match it?
Or keep the walk but update the talk (limit) instead?

However she feels like doing it -- could get them to match and see if she feels better when they line up.

GG
 
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It wasn't anything you said that I thought was slut shaming.
 
Bad kissers - bad sex!

Yeah, I wish identifying as poly automatically made one a decent human being who treats other people as they would wish to be treated. Sadly, it doesn't work that way.

He was an asshole. The reasons why he was an asshole are academically interesting but ultimately have diddly squat to do with you. No need to wrack your brain for understanding - an asshole is sometimes just an asshole.

Spend like a minute thinking 'were my filters off here?'. From my outside perspective, it doesn't seem so to me. Then spend like five minutes mulling if you maybe you did not listen to your inner voice quite enough. (GG has some good thoughts on that) If so, you know what? Experience is what learns us. Now you have experience. That is not a bad thing, not something to be ashamed about.

(And by minutes I don't mean literally. Just to point out, don't spend too much time thinking about this.)

If not having sex on the first date helps to sharpen your filters and allows you to listen to your inner voice, then maybe it's a not a bad idea for you. If it allows you to value your sexual self in a more complete way, then maybe it would be useful.

BUT...

A lot of people recommend this to women - and too often the underlying reason seems to be boys are icky and will treat you bad if you 'give them what they want' quickly. (Like women don't want sex!) As if boys who don't get to fuck you right away will treat you better. -- This is bullshit. -- There is no magical number of days/weeks/months/years that will turn an asshole man into non-asshole, decent man. Assuming you had not slept with this particular jerk for a while - he still would have been a jerk. It just would have taken you longer to find that out about him and you would have wasted more time. There is no correlation between time it takes to fuck you and how men will treat you.

Yes, many women have run into men who have some sort of issue with women who fuck quickly - even if they are ones having sex with the woman. The double standard is a fucking zombie still causing havoc.

My issue with a blanket 'no fucking on first date rule' is that it reinforces the double standard. It doesn't solve the problem of women's sexuality being devalued and feared at the same time. It doesn't solve the problem of the toxic ideas that too many men are taught on how to be a man. (Don't show emotion! Don't be weak! You have to be charge!) It reinforces sex being something women 'give' away, something to be hoarded and parceled out. It makes sex something men pursue, always pushing for more, instead of a joyful mutual dance.

This is not directed at any particular poster. I see this A LOT out and about in the world. I would love to see it less.

***

That said, don't have sex with people who are bad kissers! I've never had good sex with someone whose kissing I did not like. In fact, I kiss people to make a final determination if we are sexually compatible. Bad kisser = not sexually compatible. I've found people tend to kiss how they are in bed. Sloppy, wet, and no technique? Yep, same way in bed. Aggressive, pushy? Yep, same way. Passive, lacking passion? Ditto! (Yes, this is tongue in cheek but I have really found it to be true in my life.)
 
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He might have backed off for any number of reasons. Maybe he just didn't feel a spark with you, he might be busy, he might struggle with social interaction, he might feel that women who have sex quickly are slutty. Who knows? I'd guess you'll never find out.

I don't like it so much right now but I did used to very much enjoy fairly casual sex and sex with friends I used to make a point of sleeping with people quickly. It's a very good way of weeding out the people who cling onto those old fashioned notions about women who have sex quickly having something wrong with them. And the ones who believe that whole madonna/whore distinction thing. There is a surprising number of those sorts around. For understandable reasons - the media and people's upbringing kind of encourages those sorts of thought patterns. I believe that many people aren't even aware of having them.

So - having sex with them very quickly is a good way to find out. The ones who think like that become weird and uncommunicative and disappear. The ones who think it's okay for women to have sex and enjoy it tend to stick around.

I would work on your worries about misinterpreting things. It seems to me like that might be causing you to have more angst about this situation than it warrants.

The reality is that we all misinterpret things regularly. Nobody can read somebody else's mind and so we are bound to get things wrong.

Plus - people are different and have different likes. I'm often told that I'm a good teacher and I think that there is some truth in that. But I bet that there are people I piss off when I teach them - there will be people who think I'm dreadful at it.

Sometimes they may have a valid point. I'm not perfect at anything and still have more to learn and I fully accept that people who are used to being taught be genius teachers like some of my friends wouldn't think I was any good. All I can do about that is strive to do better.

Sometimes they might just not like the way that I teach. My style may be unfamiliar or challenging and people don't always like the unfamiliar. In that case, I understand and I recommend they find somebody else to teach them. I have the style I have because I think it's the best way to learn but that doesn't mean that everybody likes it.

So - just because lots of people tell us that we are good at something doesn't make it true for everybody.

I think you might find some more peace if you were able to accept that it's okay to make mistakes and that it doesn't invalidate you if some people think you're bad at the things you think you're good at. It reads as though you are really keen to be good at things and that you feel like a failure if that doesn't happen. I wonder if that is part of why you find yourself still so upset about a bloke you slept with who doesn't want to have a friendship with you??

I hope you're feeling better.

IP
 
That said, don't have sex with people who are bad kissers! I've never had good sex with someone whose kissing I did not like. In fact, I kiss people to make a final determination if we are sexually compatible. Bad kisser = not sexually compatible. I've found people tend to kiss how they are in bed. Sloppy, wet, and no technique? Yep, same way in bed. Aggressive, pushy? Yep, same way. Passive, lacking passion? Ditto!

I have an extremely small sample size for my own study, but my anecdotal data agrees with you. :)

And I really, really like kissing. Even more now that I found a really good one.

(Yes, this is tongue in cheek but I have really found it to be true in my life.)

"Tongue in cheek", eh? I see what you did there... :cool:
 
There is no correlation between time it takes to fuck you and how men will treat you.

Absolutely true. But how many creeps who are only out to get laid are going to stick around for multiple platonic dates, where they will be presumably required to be charming and engaging and have decent manners, if they can just go find some drunk chick at a bar and get laid the same night? Some, sure, but not many.

Nothing I said here "slut shamed" anyone. Not sleeping with someone right away is a FILTERING TOOL. Nothing more, nothing less.

Let me illustrate with a couple of real-life situations. A couple of years ago, I met the girlfriend of a friend. She and I compared notes about our recent dating experiences and discovered that we had each had an awful experience with the same local "poly" guy.

Mine was this. I had met him on a dating site and had a couple of emails back and forth with him and one phone call. He seemed very eager to meet in person as quickly as possible and was charming enough on the phone that I was willing to do so, even though I felt I barely knew him. We met at a restaurant that didn't take reservations and when we got there, there was an hourlong wait for a table. Since it was a lovely spring evening, we decided to take a walk in an adjoining park while we were waiting.

During that hour, he and I had some very friendly conversation about our work and common interests and what it was like for us to be poly. One thing I brought up was how polyamory, for me, is about building relationships, and to serve that goal, I preferred to get to know someone pretty well as a friend before getting physical with them.

So, my date definitely knew that he wasn't getting any sex that night. I remember that he got quiet after I said that and the conversation lagged. We went back to the restaurant and the hostess was ready to seat us when my date turned to me and told me that he just didn't want to continue the evening, that he was tired (it was about 7 pm at that point) and thought a headache might be coming on.

I didn't argue since I certainly didn't want to have dinner with someone who wasn't interested in having dinner with me. I was pretty annoyed because I'd driven a half hour to meet him, but I just left, there was no point in dragging out a bad situation.

My friend's girlfriend also met this guy on the same site and they met for dinner. She said that unlike me, she didn't set any boundaries about sex early in the evening. After dinner, they went back to his apartment and had what she described as a marathon session of very romantic, passionate sex. She said she had a great time and he seemed to as well. Lo and behold, the next day she texted him and he didn't respond. She continued to try to reach him without success for a couple of days. Then she found an email in her inbox where he told her he didn't want to see her again because she was too fat, too out of shape, and too old for him (even though he was older than she was).

Two first dates with the same creep. Mine left me mildly annoyed. My friend's girlfriend was so demoralized by her experience with said creep that she stopped dating anyone new for months, and she said she even stopped wearing sexy clothes for a while.

OP, I'm sorry about what happened to you, and I hope you have better experiences soon.
 
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Why does it matter if you sleep with someone, then find out they are an idiot? It isn't like you give a little bit of your soul to every guy you fuck.

Why is it better to have wasted x amount of time with them on platonic dates rather than have sex with them on the first date and find out they are an idiot?
 
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