Beginning with disaster. Is all lost?

troubles

New member
So, my husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have always fantasized about having an open relationship, so much that we even have been actively searching for another couple to experiment with.

As luck would have it, a friend (female) of mine expressed interest. Her husband is cool with it, and we had a great time making out and fooling around. We involved both boys (on separate occasions). My husband was there the first time, hers the second.

The second time, things went a bit further, and my husband felt hurt. I misunderstood what he had said (we all did), and I should have communicated better with him. He has vetoed the whole relationship indefinitely.

I have apologized over and over (we all have). I have tried to be a better wife. Granted, it's only been a week, but each time we talk, he says he didn't realize he wanted only me, and wanted me to want only him.

Will time heal this? What else can I do? This is my first experience with a woman, and I like it a lot. He feels like he gets nothing out of the potential relationship. Any thoughts or advice?
 
First of all, I find vetoes to be a very unfair and immature way of handling things. He's telling you no (as if you were a child) because he was hurt instead of talking to you about what hurt him and how you can work to make sure he isn't hurt in teh future together. Marriage and communication are a process. That said, I think that while it is fair to ask you to respect his feelings, it is not fair to expect you to put the genie back in the bottle so to speak. . . . for many of us who start off bi-curious that first sexual experience with a member of the same sex (whether it is kissing or full blown sex) cements bisexuality as part of our identity in a significant way. While he may have just discovered that he really doesn't want to be with other people and wants you to want only him, try explaining to him that it just isn't possible for you to stop being attracted to other women. I know this is still very new, but maybe he would be (in the future) alright with you seeing women independently of him. As to what he gets out of it, wouldn't be feel better knowing that he wasn't forcing you to be something you're not?

Advice: keep communicating. remind him that you are not HIS; that you do not belong to him. So while you respect him, he can't tell you how to feel or that you have to stop seeing someone who matters to you. You can negotiate boundaries and comfort zones, but the whole you have to stop doing this because it hurt me and you don't have a choice in the matter is disrespectful. Also, don't think that you were a bad wife, you weren't. This was something that you discussed ahead of time, that you both wanted to persue; it isn't your fault that he's getting cold feet.
 
Marriage and communication are a process.
We have talked about it so much that there's nothing left to say.

try explaining to him that it just isn't possible for you to stop being attracted to other women.
He knows that, as do I. He wants me to stop doing anything with her, though.

As to what he gets out of it, wouldn't be feel better knowing that he wasn't forcing you to be something you're not?
I don't even know what I want anymore. :(

Thanks for the words of wisdom.
 
my wife's fav saying lately is.... ready?.... "why are men so emotionally stunted?" that said.... its only been a week. the progression seems natural, the two ladies involved had been there and took it a little further. things naturally progress, and probably would have continued to. but us guys get jealous, and feeling left out, and hurt, then shut down. he may come around given more time, but..... a couple things i might suggest, is encourage him to tell you what he is really feeling, dont take it personally, he may just need to work through it. you could also encourage him to come visit us, read some posts, ask questions.....
i wish you the best of luck.
scthuff
 
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encourage him to tell you what he is really feeling, dont take it personally, he may just need to work through it. you could also encourage him to come visit us, read some posts, ask questions.....
i wish you the best of luck.
scthuff
He said he knew from the get-go that this would be trouble. And that he wouldn't know what it was until it happened. So then it happened, and, yeah. More time. Maybe a lifetime. Thanks, buddy.
 
We have talked about it so much that there's nothing left to say.
That's quite a defeatist position. Don't give up.

He wants me to stop doing anything with her, though.
Am I wrong, but didn't you say he got upset after the second time, when her husband was there and things went farther than your husband expected? I would assume that his problem is with her husband taking part, not her.

I don't even know what I want anymore.
Well, if you don't know what you want, then how can anyone help? No wonder there is "nothing left" to talk about. I think the best thing you can do is sort out what it is you want. What kind of relationships do you desire - with your husband, yourself, other lovers (if any), the world? What will make you happy? And then can you figure out how to go about manifesting those into your life.
 
Well, if you don't know what you want, then how can anyone help? No wonder there is "nothing left" to talk about. I think the best thing you can do is sort out what it is you want. What kind of relationships do you desire - with your husband, yourself, other lovers (if any), the world? What will make you happy? And then can you figure out how to go about manifesting those into your life.
Not only should you discover what you want, but what he wants too. Communicating your true desires is hard to do, but very much worth it when you can both do it; and along the way find common ground on which to build a bridge to compromise.
 
I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is fair. I know what my husband says he wants right now, which is different than what he said before. My earlier post was posted out of frustration, not out of truth. This whole thing WAS wonderful, wonderful. And somehow I messed it up and need to make repairs.
 
I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is fair. I know what my husband says he wants right now, which is different than what he said before. My earlier post was posted out of frustration, not out of truth. This whole thing WAS wonderful, wonderful. And somehow I messed it up and need to make repairs.

Has he told you specifically how you messed it up? Or did he just get uncomfortable and put the breaks on. I know that it is possible to make a mistake, but you aren't the only one responsible for keeping things on track. Don't let anyone make you feel (yourself included) that you messed it up all by your self.
 
Has he told you specifically how you messed it up?
I went farther with my friend's man than he wanted. I thought he said that it was ok to do with them what it was ok for him to do with her, but I was mistaken.
Don't let anyone make you feel (yourself included) that you messed it up all by your self.
Thanks. It's me, mostly. He said he was part of opening this can of worms.
 
This is the tough stuff, that is for sure. This is where you have to know your spouse really well. Know if it is strictly fear talking, or if they truly are not going to have their mind changed.

My husband once told me to dump someone. He had had enough of seeing me pulled around by someone. I agreed. As the relationship wasn`t going anywhere. It was still my decision, he just said it first.

Another time he was scared, had a loopy moment, and told me to end it with someone. I said ..no.
I told him we could talk about things, and had many, many options as far as space and comfort levels, but the one thing that was not a option, was for him ending/dictating a relationship of mine.

Moral of the story, if you act like you have to ask permission for things, don`t be surprised when you get shot down. There is a difference between compromise, and communicating abilities and choices, versus acting like you need permission from a spouse.

There are two ways to act like a teen-age kid with 'dating'. #1 -Begging and pleading complete with pouting and waiting. #2 - Hissy fits and temper tantrums, complete with emotional withdrawl and punishment.

Its really its own art-form, the people who learn to walk the line of holding their own convictions, yet being compassionate with their spouses fears and needs.

Good Luck.
 
Moral of the story, if you act like you have to ask permission for things, don`t be surprised when you get shot down. There is a difference between compromise, and communicating abilities and choices, versus acting like you need permission from a spouse.

There are two ways to act like a teen-age kid with 'dating'. #1 -Begging and pleading complete with pouting and waiting. #2 - Hissy fits and temper tantrums, complete with emotional withdrawl and punishment.

Its really its own art-form, the people who learn to walk the line of holding their own convictions, yet being compassionate with their spouses fears and needs.

Good Luck.

I think I'm just going to not bring it up for a while (like another week or so), and then tip my toe back into the discussion. He has said that he feels I'm "obsessed", but what I really am is excited.

I DO feel like I need permission to have this relationship, as my husband and I did not get together as polyamorous people. No? I also feel like preemptive conversation is probably a good thing. And I can't and won't lie. Ever. Especially to him. We have honesty, and we're working on getting trust back.
 
I think I'm just going to not bring it up for a while (like another week or so), and then tip my toe back into the discussion. He has said that he feels I'm "obsessed", but what I really am is excited.

I DO feel like I need permission to have this relationship, as my husband and I did not get together as polyamorous people. No? I also feel like preemptive conversation is probably a good thing. And I can't and won't lie. Ever. Especially to him. We have honesty, and we're working on getting trust back.

I'm new to all this (first post and all) but if you didn't lie than how was his trust violated?
 
That's the same as you not trusting him for not more clearly defining his boundaries. I think its unreasonable to lose trust without deceit.
 
He trusted me to not do anything he didn't want me to and/or to understand his wishes better.

Gotta agree with Zen. You didn't break his trust if it was truly just a misunderstanding on your part, and, wait, did you just say above that the issue is that the things he did with the other woman he did NOT want you to do with the other man? Um, double standard much?

He has the right to tell you how he feels and say "honey, I'm less comfortable with this than I thought I would be, could we please stop or slow down". He does not have the right to make you feel guilty for not being psychic and for not realizing he had intended for an unfair double standard to be in effect.
 
wait, did you just say above that the issue is that the things he did with the other woman he did NOT want you to do with the other man? Um, double standard much?
He didn't want me to go farther with the other man than he did with the other women. Sorry if that was unclear.
He has the right to tell you how he feels and say "honey, I'm less comfortable with this than I thought I would be, could we please stop or slow down". He does not have the right to make you feel guilty for not being psychic and for not realizing he had intended for an unfair double standard to be in effect.
I felt guilty on my own. He did say the first thing. I can't shake the guilt, because it does seem selfish to me in some regards.
 
I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is fair. I know what my husband says he wants right now, which is different than what he said before. My earlier post was posted out of frustration, not out of truth. This whole thing WAS wonderful, wonderful. And somehow I messed it up and need to make repairs.

hi troubles

There is never anything unfair about wanting anything. What you want is neither fair nor unfair. What your husband wants is neither fair nor unfair.

Fairness comes in when you try to get what you want. There are fair and unfair ways of resolving a conflict in a relationship.

Second, you did not mess up; nor did he. He tried something new, and was surprised by his own reaction to it. He now knows he is mono, you now know you are poly and want that part of you to find expression.

Not your fault, nor his neither.

It is not about repairing something that went wrong, but about how the two of you, as a committed couple, deal with these two sets of conflicting self-knowledge.

You found it wonderful. He found it the reverse (what word does he use for his experience? Use his word when talking about him: and use your word when talking about you).

That is a big challenge for both of you. To meet this challenge fairly, in a way that is fair to both of you, you both need to step away from things like guilt, messed up-ness, self-blame.

I have not given you any answers: what I hope I have done is point out that some questions are going to be more helpful than others.
 
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