Lesbian Poly Talk, Maybe Help

stephnmelissa

New member
Hello Everyone,
Well my wife and I (Lesbian couple) are new to this forum and so far glad we have found it. So a bit about us is that years ago we decided to go poly (didn't actually know about the labels and lifestyle until recently though). At first it was mostly just sexual. As we kept meeting women and women who we just didn't click with emotionally we decided we wanted to find a long term equal third in our relationship. Since we weren't asking for the woman to be bi and into a man and a woman since we are a lesbian couple we thought maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Well about 3 years later we actually found a woman. It, unfortunately, was short lived though.
This woman was pretty much perfect for us we thought. When we were with her we did feel a completion to everything. We honestly both fell in love with her. But she ended it because even though she said she was ready for this type of relationship (she was in a similar one before) and long term she became scared. Personally I think she was scared of losing her independence with us and actually falling for us. I don't really know, it was a heartbreak that we have to move on from. She can confuse us all around when she barely speaks to us anymore but she still wants to say she has feelings for us and wants to see us. Ugh women.
Anyhow I guess what I should be getting at is the main thing for any possible help. Even though we are a lesbian couple is the unicorn hunter still relevant and should we just give up on that scenario altogether? I haven't found a lot of discussion on women with women with women poly pretty much anywhere. We want to find more like minded women to try something with but it is of course discouraging. We talk to many women interested in the possibility but the chemistry is never there. Maybe what we are looking for we have to high of a laundry list to even consider anyone. I don't know if we would be ready to branch out with poly on our own. It could be a possibility but I do very much love my wife and everything is always better when I'm with her anyways even with all of the women we have met over the years. In all honesty through our search it doesn't seem that the problem is us looking for an equal third, since many seem interested in that. We just can't find a woman who we both have great intellectual and sexual chemistry with. Any places you guys suggest to look at for like minded women?
Hope this wasn't to much or to everywhere. Thanks for any replies.
 
While it doesn't sound like it was the issue, you might want to research "couple privilege," which can be tricky for any couple to navigate. Might not pertain to the issue with the third who changed her mind, but is good info to have nonetheless.

The issue for couples looking for a third, is that it is tough (although not impossible) to find someone who is going to be similarly attracted to both members of the couple and who each individual within the couple finds significantly attractive. Think about it this way: you both have friends that your spouse knows and may even like a lot, but you click with your friend more than your spouse does. Now you're adding romance and sex into the mix. See how that becomes a tall order? Not an impossible order, but very tough. There are people on this forum who have managed it, but it is relatively rare. Hopefully, they will chime in.

Personally having been in a long term poly-fi vee, I like the security of the family unit. However, many find that type of structure, not to mention a full on triad, too demanding and restrictive. So be prepared for the naysayers. That isn't to say, they don't have valid points - they often do - but learn from them and use the information in a way that fits your concept. It's just that yeah, what you're striving for is difficult to achieve.
 
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Hi! I haven't really found a lot of conversation re: lesbian couples/lesbian-related poly things here (my wife and I have a psuedo-triad with another woman), but going through and reading the other posts, particularly about triads, has definitely helped. Some things aren't relevant to the situation, obviously, but it's a good start.

I think bookbug's suggestion re: looking up couple privilege is a good idea, as well. It's interesting to start noticing the things that you wouldn't necessarily equate with being in a couple, especially if it's a long term relationship.

Good luck!
 
The main thing about unicorn hunters is the couple centric attitude. Any couple regardless of their gender can display couple centric behaviour.
 
Oh, and if you're not ready to date separately, you aren't ready for any form of poly. It would be different if you said you are stable enough for any form of polyamory, but prefer a triad. That's not what you're saying though.
 
Ok as I have been researching couple privilege let me clarify something a bit. The woman we were seeing not only did we see together (not just sexually but just being with her as a full relationship) we also saw on single basis. We spent time with her separately so she had a connection with us both in very different ways. The way I connected with her was not the same way my wife connected with her. We enjoyed being together as 3 but also enjoyed being together with each other separately in 2 as well. For us it was a great balance. She just wasn't ready, I guess. Her explanations always contradict themselves of why she ended it with us.
My wife and I have discussed very much about going off on our own and having relationships by ourselves with others. We are open to it but of course in the long run would love to find a triad like what we had with our ex but much longer term of course. If it doesn't happen well then life goes on. It is just our hope that something like what we had would still be possible in a much more concrete long term situation someday in the future. We are also trying to find where a good place to meet like minded women are because even the few occasions we have somewhat branched off by ourselves (and even together) there are a lot of women who think its all about sex or end up telling us (or the one of us) that they want to give their husband an anniversary gift... Obviously that isn't what we are looking for. We both are still young and have many goals to accomplish in our lives so we would like to keep the option open. And before anyone wants to become hostile about the "unicorn" situation we are open to going off on our own just confused on how exactly it would all work out, whether that be short term or long term. We are still generally new to the poly lifestyle and all of its possibilities. We are reading and researching through this forum (which is really great by the way) about triads, primaries and secondary relationships, other types of poly relationships. We have been seeking a triad I guess for years now but with terminology and in depth information, we are new to that. This forum is really helping with us learning how stable long term poly relationships can work and the different ways they are working. Thanks so far.
 
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You'd go and meet women, your wife would go and meet women, and you'd hopefully develop a relationship with these women in similar way to how you built a relationship with your wife. Maybe, one of the women you or your wife meet will also be interested in both of you in a romantic way.

In any poly relationship, everyone has to acknowledge that people have other relationships to obtain and maintain and allow them the freedom and space (physical and emotional) to do so.
 
I agree, it's tough to find not only like-minded individuals, but people who are also capable of building a relationship. I spent some time on OKCupid. I was looking to spend time with a woman (I fall along the bisexual spectrum, but haven't really explored it much. Was attempting to do so.) Like you, I was contacted by a few couples who wanted me to join them, and a bunch of guys who obviously never read my profile.

That said, some people do very well with OkCupid, but it seems that patience is a virtue. I personally found it taxing. I am one for whom there is no sexual attraction without connection, and while some wrote elegant profiles, I often found the actual conversation lacking. Decided if it was going to happen for me, it would happen more organically.

In other words, your experience is not unusual. :)
 
I guess I never really appreciated how hard it can be to get a poly thing going especially for a lesbian couple. The entire poly thing just sort of happened for my wife and I, and I thank my lucky stars for that, because we both love it. Our other relationships are very fulfilling, our relationship together is stronger because of those, and it's a great emotional support system for everyone involved. I've never been happier.

I can however relate on one level. It was damn near impossible for me to find lesbian or bisexual girls before I met my partner, especially when I compare it to how easy it was for me to get guys.

So, in any case, hang in there. I'm sure you'll find a woman (or women) who you can both love if you keep looking.
 
I'm a bisexual woman, married (to a monogamous man.) I find it extremely challenging to meet women willing to engage with me on an emotional level.

I would absolutely date one or more members of a lesbian couple. In fact I had a flirtation with a lesbian couple here in my town that seemed promising, but lately they have so much drama between them I don't think they're in a place to consider polyamory.

I'm learning that one of the challenges of being married but dating is that dating becomes not just about finding a person you're attracted to and compatible with, but about finding a person open to the kind of relationship you're available for. For example, I already have a long-term "primary" commitment, so I would not be available for the sort of live-in triad you ultimately dream of. So would you date someone like me, or would you hold out for someone who doesn't already have a life partner and has a better chance of fulfilling your desires?

I've been wondering lately about where my personal line falls between "having unreasonable expectations" and "lowering my standards." For example, if I can't find a woman, married or otherwise, willing to be the girlfriend of a married woman, should I try out some of those girls on OKCupid who will only do it with me if their boyfriend watches? What about women who say they just want a "friends with benefits?" Could I be satisfied with that?

Some schools of thought say you should just let relationships evolve into whatever they're meant to be without any expectations as to a certain outcome, but then others say you won't get the relationship(s) you're looking for if you settle for less than your desires. I lean toward the second school of thought, personally, and at this point in my life.
 
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Trying to find another woman (whether that be in a triad or separately for us) is very difficult because you either encounter the older women that are practically desperate for a relationship or the younger women who just want sex, experiences, or attention from guys by being with another woman. The sweet balance of in between those is hard to find even if you are a single woman looking for another woman. And it seems here in California EVERY woman just about is bisexual, its like the new fun craze here. Which is very discouraging since most do only last for a short phase or they really don't understand what it entails to be in a committed relationship with a woman.
As for our ideal hope of a triad we would love to have a woman we both could connect with, and she with us, and eventually move her in with us long term. But we know that that is a hopeful dream that we will stay optimistic for and stay open to. We have been open to having other women that cannot "primarily" commit to us (such as a woman from another lesbian couple or hetero couple) be with us as well. But the chemistry wasn't there. Even though she cannot "primarily" commit to us we would still hope there would be romance, reliability, passion, and a genuine interest in getting to know us be there. I don't know if those are to high of expectations to ask for but personally we don't understand why have a relationship if the other person cannot show genuine interest, want, and romance in you (or us in this case). Maybe its just us being to much of a woman and having those high expectations. We have those types of expectations and wants while being open to us having our own separate girlfriends as well. We know the woman/women may not be able to give us their primary commitment level but as a woman we still want the connection, romance, and want like any other woman.
Personally I, my wife, or us would never be with a woman who wants us there just so her husband or boyfriend can watch. We aren't trying to fulfill the societal "fantasy" of any boy. If that was the case, we might've been just bi and going to swingers clubs for that satisfaction. And women interested in friends with benefits honestly aren't interested in friends, just benefits. And once they get that they usually move, at least from our experience. It may be natural for women to always have higher expectations. Why settle? But then everyone has their own beliefs and philosophies on everything so you just have to go with what makes you happy.
None of this may have made any sense and if it did not then I apologize and will clear anything you need up. You an PM me to if clarification is needed or anything else. I also hope nothing I said brings any hostility. Thanks everyone for the replies.
 
I think you've got to avoid stereotyping. Like, thinking that because you didn't have chemistry with the last two women who were bi and in an existing heterosexual relationship, that cuts that demographic out.

Also, you need to remember that hardly anyone is going to fall for your wife and you at the same time.
 
Well I'm glad you are judging the situation before you even know it. Thanks for your fabulous advice. And like I said we know it is exceptionally hard to find a third for a triad, that is why we are keeping options open. It doesn't matter if you agree with it or not. I would think that being poly like you are you would at least try to be helpful and understanding.

As to everyone else. I do honestly thank you for the responses. A lot of information to learn.
 
You said it:
We have been open to having other women that cannot "primarily" commit to us (such as a woman from another lesbian couple or hetero couple) be with us as well. But the chemistry wasn't there. Even though she cannot "primarily" commit to us we would stillhopetherewould beromance,reliability,passion, and a genuine interest in getting to know us be there.

I don't know if those are to high of expectations to ask for but personally we don't understand why have a relationship if the other person cannot show genuine interest, want, and romance in you (or us in this case).
 
stephnmelissa,

My partner and I want the sort of relationship you and your partner seek as well. Granted though we don't look for it. We are happy just the two of us as well. But we did get involved with a third almost three years ago now... however, it was a very complicated, messy, ultimately destructive situation and it left a sour taste in our mouths for a while. Going into something without knowing what the hell you are doing and with a third who has issue and is lying to her partner, well, you're in for disaster.

Anyway, after that complete screw up we researched things a LOT but in the end we just decided to let it be and if by some miracle we met a third we both clicked with and clicked with both of us as well, then great, but if not then ok. We have discussed even seeing other women separately but neither of has met anyone else we'd even be interested in seeing anyway.

I guess while my response is not encouraging I am just saying there are other lesbians like you out there, so hang in there and hopefully one day you will both find what you are looking for.
 
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