First Poly date

FrankLee

New member
Tomorrow morning, I'm meeting my first poly date at Barnes&Noble. She's 25 years younger than me. Why would she do this? It wasn't my intention. I had been looking for women my own age at PolymatchmakerDotCom, and have been corresponding with several, all out of town. But, tomorrow morning's date is in the same town, and it was her idea, not mine.

album.php
Anyway, I have been flying over the waters of life totally alone now for over a year, and am lonesome, so here goes. I have no expectations, am totally baffled why she is doing this, and figure this is the first of many cups of coffee I'll share before the lifestyle becomes real and comprehensible to me.
 
Hi Frank,

I've discovered that 'why' can often be a very unhelpful question. :D Why is she doing this? Obviously, she *wants* to.

The largest difference I've ever dated was a man my father's age (21 years my senior). He turned out to be a psychopath though. :) I had no idea what his age was when I met him, and there were definitely sparks.

The worst that could happen is you get a new friend, right? And perhaps she knows someone that would be perfect for you. And perhaps she's simply not an ageist.

Looking forward to hearing how it goes....
:D
 
I don't necessarily think it's a poly thing to be interested in someone vastly older or younger, but poly does make it possible to date a wider range of types - and I think lots of people are drawn to poly because they like variety!

Don't worry too much or let it throw you. Just be yourself, and have a conversation, see if there's some spark between you, and go from there. Have fun!
 
Last edited:
Don't talk too loud about Polyamory....

in a Barnes & Noble. I had my first Poly date there today, and you know, it's really quiet in those places. So, in normal conversation I mentioned "the P word," and suddenly looked around. A head or two turned. So, I thought we should get up from our table and go browse some books.

The truth is, I knew within five minutes of meeting her that it was not a match I wanted to pursue. But, I was determined to stay for a while and be friendly letting her know that I really appreciated her coming to meet me. So, for an hour we browsed books and talked. I can carry on a line of conversation for an hour with almost anyone.

I'm glad I did this. It's so easy to stay at home and not take a chance.
 
Yay! Good on ya. :)

Flexing those muscles is good for the soul.
 
Sounds like it was good practice and got you out of the house on an adventure. That sounds just about right in my book. Love is like looking for a needle in a haystack sometimes. I think its best to have the approach of seeking out adventure and seeing where it leads you instead of seeking out love. I find it makes people look and come across as needy when they are looking for love. I don't feel that they are disappointed or passing me off when they come across that way. :)
 
The Long and Winding Road...

... is going to be a time consuming journey. Looking for Poly friendly partners is much harder than the traditional dating pattern I've been used to. For one, it reduces the list potential partners by a factor of at least 10 to 1. And, it increases the necessity for travel. Thanks NYC IndieMovie, Pepper, and Novembuh for your encouragement.
 

Attachments

  • sailEM.jpg
    sailEM.jpg
    35.2 KB · Views: 15
Last edited:
... is going to be a time consuming journey. Looking for Poly friendly partners is much harder than the traditional dating pattern I've been used to. For one, it reduces the list potential partners by a factor of at least 10 to 1. And, it increases the necessity for travel.
You'd be surprised how many people are open to polyamory without ever having heard the word. In fact, I rarely bring the P-word up when I date. I just say I prefer to be non-exclusive. And sometimes this doesn't even come up in a first date. I like to see how I hit it off with someone. Every person is different anyway.
 
Early morning

Glad to see you are an early riser, Cindie. I've been up since 5:00am. Thanks for the input. Guess the "P" word can be scary to some. Putting it in softer language sounds like a good idea.
 

Attachments

  • 102-0291_IMGA 1.jpg
    102-0291_IMGA 1.jpg
    96.6 KB · Views: 17
Glad to see you are an early riser, Cindie. I've been up since 5:00am.
Oh, no, I'm not an early riser. I'm an insomniac and have been up all night.

Thanks for the input. Guess the "P" word can be scary to some. Putting it in softer language sounds like a good idea.
I think so, especially since people have misconceptions about the word polyamory and think it means swinging or is all about sex.
 
Second Poly Date

My first poly date, a couple of weeks ago, was not a promising event. It was a connection on the Polymatchmaker site, and I seem to have pretty much exhausted the possibilities there. Not a lot of potential partners there within close driving range.

So, I posted a profile at OKCupid, a much busier site. I decided to be upfront and mention "intentional polyamory." Well, that sure weeded out the possibilities, but at the same time, it cleared up any confusion ahead of time, so I didn't have to announce the surprise later.

Of about 50 women who have looked at my profile in a few days, only two have responded. Well, I did get one other response that dismissed polyamory as "abusive." Don't really know what that meant.

So, this Wed. I'm meeting one of my respondents, who, at 59, is much closer to my age than my first poly date. We have had a brisk email correspondence, and she is actually "dating" a couple of other men. I think she actually spent last weekend with one of them.

So, it appears that we are at least on a common ground of understanding to start with.
 
I think it's a good idea to put the P word front and center, before even the first date. I don't think I'd go on a first date, anyway, if the person didn't already know that about me.

I met the new guy I'm dating on OKC (where I really just had a profile up so I could snoop around other people's profiles, out of curiosity, and maybe make new friends). My profile mentioned polyamory, and a pretty full dance card (and bisexuality, which is a turn-off for some lesbians), because I didn't want to start making friends with someone if either of those things are deal breakers for them.

It's good to have the information out there.
 
Using the "P" word.... or not.

Thanks, Strixish, for the feedback, and the courage to call a thing by it's name. However, by the time I read your post, I had already changed my OKCupid profile to delete the "Polyamory" word, yet try to say it in another way. I had realized that so many people misunderstand, or had never heard the word. In fact, once, someone called me a polygamist.

So, my current monogamy disclaimer reads:
"Leaning toward a limited and respectful re-definition of relationship patterns (in a more flexible manner) as a fair and realistic approach to how men and women connect in a positive and helpful way. We are all unique and there can't be one pattern that fits all."

Now that says a lot, or says nothing... I can't decide. NYCindie says that she waits for the first face to face meeting to elaborate, and only then uses the word: non-exclusive. That may work for a woman, but I think a man needs to clear the air quicker. Certainly, I will clarify it in the first couple of emails, if I get some, that is.
 
2nd Poly date done

Well, I had a very interesting experience while eating crab dip on pita bread (unfortunately smothered in scallions.) She scarfed down a burger with more relish than I had hoped for. I had been thinking that there are four ingredients or more to compatibility. 1) agreement on non-monogamy 2) similar political views 3) compatible personalities 4) physical attraction.

One and two seemed very good. She is actually involved with two other guys, and admits that, with at least one of them the "sex is great." On three, things were a bit awkward and stiff to start with, but after an hour she relaxed and seemed to be very personable. But, on #4, I just was not inspired to heights of passion. That's pretty essential for me, so I'm afraid this one won't work.

It's unfortunate, because in every other respect, it looked like a good match.
 
FrankLee,

Reading your non-monogamy non-description, I would take a pass on your profile. That makes little sense and seems mealy-mouthed and obscuring. It doesn't work for me because it is double talk. That said I prefer things more direct than most. Other women will have different reactions.
 
I'm with opalescent.

I've found it's usually the guys who are trying to disguise the fact that they just want sex who include a line like that. Just say what you want.
 
A balanced observation

Were the above criticism accurate and fair, I would willingly admit it, but it is so far from the truth, I must say something. To say that my description of flexible relationships (without using the word: polyamory) is a ploy used by men for sex is baffling to me. Particularly after I had just referred to NYCindie's (a woman) approach that she mentioned above in this same thread.

She said: "You'd be surprised how many people are open to polyamory without ever having heard the word. In fact, I rarely bring the P-word up when I date. I just say I prefer to be non-exclusive. And sometimes this doesn't even come up in a first date. I like to see how I hit it off with someone."

Except for my two year relationship with Pearl, that ended 1 1/2 yrs. ago, five of the last seven yrs of my life have been celibate. Polyamory is too much hard work to be in it just for sex, for a man or a woman.
 
So say that. Don't try to dress it up so much that it looks like something entirely different.

At no point did I say you were clearly just after sex. I said that what you had written looks a lot like what guys who just want sex write. If you don't want to be mistaken for a duck don't walk, fly, and quack like one.
 
Really is there anything wrong with stating exactly what you're looking for and narrowing down the dating pool? There doesn't seem to be a lot of point in dating people who aren't compatible with what you're looking for. If you're vague there are going to be people who reply to you who will feel like they're being led on. What you've put in your profile and what nycindie has put in her profile are very different. Yours doesn't really say anything whereas nycindie is specific that she wants to be non-exclusive. You don't have to use the word polyamory but you should let people know what type of relationship structure you're looking for. "I'm not looking to date anyone exclusively but I do believe in forming lasting, loving relationships." is a good way to put it which doesn't mention polyamory but still isn't at all vague.
 
Back
Top