Short rant

Javabean

New member
Im new here. Trying to figure out what is going on with a woman i have been dating. Can someone pm me
 
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What's up Javabean? Have you got a question you would like to ask about the woman you are dating? If you post it here, we can all try to help you.
 
I was broken up with that way once. We were in high school. So, I'd say that, yes, there are people, immature people, who use that as a way of breaking up. Really sorry if that's what's happening to you. I'd say, if it's really been a while -- like, a couple of weeks -- just leave the person a message saying "If you want to contact me to tell me what's up I will listen, but I'm assuming we're over and am going to start working on moving on."
 
Well im very confused. Went from im so in love with you to silence. I really dont know what to do. I feel frozen. Hurt too.
 
Can you share any details -- how long you two had been together, how long the silence has been going on?
 
If you are confused, could just ask for the clarify. Maybe something like...

"What's going on? Been silent a while. Are we broken up? How am I supposed to read this behavior?"

I know that can seem scary to do, but it's just a lot easier to be up front about things. Then you aren't left out a limb. YKWIM?

GL!
Galagirl
 
I dont even know where to begin. We have been dating for close to a year. Last week she tells me how in love she is with me and that she is so lucky. I would see her she would be cuddly and affectinate. Next thing i know she doesnt text or email me anymore. I got used to that. It stopped.
I texted her saying hi how are you. I asked her if we are ok. She says yes just going with the flow right.
It feels like she is distancing herself. I love her a lot. I cherish her friendship and her. Maybe i expect too much. Its just when someone gives you so much for so long then it aruptly stops of course i am going to ask questions. Im not seeing anyone else bc we closed the relationship and i really have no desire to share myself with another right now. She doesnt care if i see anyone else. She also told me the situation is complicated and she has big decisions she needs to make.
How do i get myself out of this mono mind set? Ive never been mono, but with her i want to be. I just am not attracted to anyone else. When we are together for me anyway its amazing. We laugh, cuddle and talk about all kinds of stuff. I miss that.
I havent been easy to deal with. I have been insecure. I try to talk about relationship stuff but it comes out wrong and i think i push her away.
I just want someone to talk too.
 
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She also told me the situation is complicated and she has big decisions she needs to make.

Well... again. Could ask her what she needs from you at this time and get the clarify.

"What do you need from me at this time? Because I've noticed the change in behavior. Do we need to set a date for a serious talk? I'd like to know what to expect so I can prepare and clear time to talk. Are we breaking up? Do I fail to meet your wants and needs?"

It's not fun to feel how you are feeling right now -- so... let's just face the fears, and move it along so it moves forward. Not endless limbo.

You are not a mind reader.

Galagirl
 
When i ask these type of questions it turns into an arguement. Its all my fault that i feel that way. Im the one with the issues not her kind of thing. That i am negative. She broke up with me once because i questioned her. Then wont talk to me and treats me like i am invisible. Then says she deserves to be treated better. That i dont support her. Which is untrue. I have been under stress and pressure lately. She gives me no comfort. Ive asked for a date night with her. Just her and i. She wont do it. I am so confused and hurt.
I asked her if i should see other people. She said if your sleeping with others i wont sleep with you anymore. I said should i get another gf. She siad thats up to you. I just dont get it
Ive been tempted to say something but it will blow up. I will be the one with the issue. She will close up even more. I hate arguing with her. She always wins.
 
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When i ask these type of questions it turns into an argument.

Why? Simple conversation is not reasonable here? :confused:

HOW do you talk to her? HOW does it turn into an argument?

Its all my fault that i feel that way. Im the one with the issues not her kind of thing. That i am negative. She broke up with me once because i questioned her.

Are you actually negative or is she flipping it around on you because she does not want to be held accountable to the same expectation/standard of relationship? Or BOTH things?

Then wont talk to me and treats me like i am invisible. Then says she
deserves to be treated better.

So she does not give you the right to responsiveness. She ignores you.

But she wants a different standard of treatment for herself? What behavior does she list that would be "better treatment" like she deserves? How have you been treating her prior to this that was bad?

That i dont support her. Which is untrue. I have been under stress and pressure lately. She gives me no comfort.

How do you demonstrate support toward her? With what kind of behavior? Can you give examples?

What comfort do you want? Is it reasonable, realistic requests she is able to do that you ask of her? HOW do you ask it of her? With what words?


Ive asked for a date night with her. Just her and i. She wont do it. I am so confused and hurt.

Alright. She doesn't want to go on a date. There's serious relationship stuff going on. So... yah. I could see not wanting to hang out on a date til that gets sorted. Can you?

Galagirl
 
Your questions are making me think. Maybe it is me. I think i have high expectations and am giving more than she can give to me. I expect to much from her which in turn makes me question her.
Thank you for the questions. That helped me sort out some stuff
 
Well, you can have whatever personal standard you want in your relationships. The other person will have their own standard for themselves.

You are both free to come together, sort it out among yourselves, and come to SHARED agreements for how to be together and what standard to hold each other to in relationship if you decided to be together.

You are both there of your own free will, right? It's not like you are FORCED to be in relationship together.

The answer to your own personal happiness in relationship with your person probably lies somewhere in finding the balance between

  • a) Having a high enough standard to weed out crazies and users and weirdies. (Too low a standard might mean more possible dating partners but of what quality? Who need needs crazy drama in their life from crazy drama people? Ack! )
  • b) Having the standard be realistic and reasonable and actually doable and attainable. Not a high and lofty one that is just not possible at all.
  • c) Being willing for your partner to hold you to the same agreed to standard. No "double standard" monkey business where they have to do it but you are the exception.
  • d) Being willing to hold your partner accountable to the same agreed to standard. No "doormat" business where they tromp all over you.
  • e) Being willing to end it peacefully if it turns out not to be a runner after all at the starting gate or it has run its course over time and come to a natural end. No trying to make a thing that just will not GO fruther, go further than it can.

Glad the questions helped you sort some. I hope things get better over there.

GG
 
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