Dakid ... I appreciate your willingness to step back and recognize things in yourself. I will say straight up that I'm not affiliated with the other site mentioned, I've never visited it, I don't know anything about the people involved in the struggle other than what has been posted here. But I have run message boards before and I know how things can get blown WAY out of proportion. Your use of the word "warn" in your initial comment was what triggered my response to you. It's one thing to say you've heard about the board and here's what you've heard vs. warning someone off of it. I appreciate you acknowledging the difference as well.
i am struggling with this need to create distinctions between for example swinging and poly, instead of acceptance that if a person or persons identify their relationship as poly then it is poly. regardless of what their sexual and/or social activities are at the moment
I am speaking only for myself here, but this is my take on the difference:
First of all - if someone wants to self-identify as poly and continue to swing as well, I don't have any issue with that.
I am currently ... exploring, let's say ... a relationship with someone who swings. He and his wife have multiple sexual partners, some of whom are casual hookups and some of whom are closer friends. But they do not practice a lifestyle wherein they build close romantic relationships with their partners. To me that's the fundamental difference between poly and swinging and he and I have discussed this in depth and we both agree with this distinction.
He and I have become very close friends and recently realized that we both have stronger feelings for each other. We have talked about the fact that I am very close to considering him a partner for me; I love him and I desire him and he is a major part of my life.
His wife is not interested in pursuing a relationship of that kind - with me or with anyone. She will continue to swing with him with other couples. He and I will continue to have a relationship that is additional to that. I will be secondary to his primary relationship with his wife.
If his wife were to identify as poly simply because she swings and because her husband was involved in a poly relationship, I would have an issue with that - because she is not poly. She may be a metamour to her husband's poly relationship, but she herself has no desire to build a strong, lasting, romantic relationship with her partners. She's happy to enjoy the casual contact, perhaps be friends, and that's it. She doesn't want the connection to move past that.
I, on the other hand, have NO desire whatsoever to swing. None. I personally cannot appreciate or enjoy that kind of casual sexual contact, even if it were with friends. He and I have discussed this extensively - that I have no problem at all with someone else doing it - he and his wife or whoever - but I know my comfort and trust levels require more of a relationship before I can move to that level.
To me that is the fundamental difference between poly and swinging ... and when someone who swings says their lifestyle is poly, I believe it creates confusion among those who don't understand the difference.
I don't think that defining a term means you're being exclusionary, unless you choose to see it that way. And then I'd question why someone would feel the need to use that word and would feel excluded by not being included in the definition of that word. What is it about THAT word that you are upset that it doesn't describe you? And why is there not another word that describes you better?
But then again, I am fascinated by language and I believe in having precise language - how else are we to communicate? So I don't see definition as being exclusionary - I see it as an opportunity to be precise and clear and to understand and be understood.