Shot and sweet..this is me.

GreenAcres

New member
Hey, everyone! Okay, so I am short. Sweet is, I suppose, up to interpretation.

I've been in poly relationships of various kinds for most of my adult life, though also in some more traditional dyads.

Currently, I am in an "accidental" FMF V.
 
Hello GreenAcres,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you're pretty comfortable wearing your poly shoes, even though you don't have to.

I guess you could say I am in an "accidental" MFM V. :)

Hope you enjoy your time on your site, have a look around and see what calls to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for the welcome, Kevin!

Overall, I am fairly comfortable in the poly life, but I am currently in a very uncomfortable V that I am going to be ending. I posted in the poly relationships thread, but I think it's still in moderation. Short version: totally in love with him, can't deal with her, and have never been comfortable in a polyfi V that is set up this way, especially with the Drama Queen, passive-aggressive metamour. :( I'm pretty heartbroken about ending it, but it's getting unhealthy for me.

Now I just have to figure out how to end it. I've never had a breakup like this before (it's going to be painful and messy, because he and I are still very in love, very compatible).
 
Clarification

Thank you for the welcome, Kevin!

Overall, I am fairly comfortable in the poly life, but I am currently in a very uncomfortable V that I am going to be ending. I posted in the poly relationships thread, but I think it's still in moderation. Short version: totally in love with him, can't deal with her, and have never been comfortable in a polyfi V that is set up this way, especially with the Drama Queen, passive-aggressive metamour. :( I'm pretty heartbroken about ending it, but it's getting unhealthy for me.

Now I just have to figure out how to end it. I've never had a breakup like this before (it's going to be painful and messy, because he and I are still very in love, very compatible).

Do you mean that you and she are both dating him? If so, you appear to be referring to breaking him and her up. Usually trying to break up other people's relationships is a bad idea and it's generally not considered acceptable to anyone poly (that's an open relationship, but it's not a poly situation). Or do you mean you are going to break up with him?
 
Breaking with him

FC,

He's the hinge. And no, not breaking them up (I would never try to do that to someone else's relationship, regardless of how I felt about the metamour). Breaking up with him. The three of us tried a triad for a while, but it didn't go well. For a variety of reasons, even though I am deeply in love with him, the current functionality of the V is really unhealthy for me, and I need to get out of it. I don't want to break his heart, and I don't want to break mine; but, I don't feel I have a lot of other choices. I've never had a breakup like this before, and I am trying to find the best way to go about it, causing the least amount of pain to all parties involved.
 
Of note

They are actually married, not just dating. He would like to marry me, as well (clearly not legally, since it's not recognized in the US; but, in every way possible to make things fair and stable); but, given the rest of the situation, it's not a solution I think is workable long-term. I didn't go into this looking for a V situation, or even a triad. It was all very accidental. Lesson learned.

I don't mind being in a Vee, but I don't like being secondary if it's more than just casual and fun, and I definitely am not okay with the probability that I would stay secondary forever, and I don't like the drama she brings to the Vee, which gets very difficult for me to deal with (there's a lot of scheduling involved since we're on different shifts and work at different places, and her drama directly affects me a lot because of this. He is unwilling to put a stop to it, in part because he has a very hard time understanding why the drama is an issue for me).
 
Ohh ... didn't realize things weren't going so well. Sorry to hear that.

Are the three of you living together? What usually triggers the drama?

It sounds like he's used to the drama, so he assumes it wouldn't tweak anyone else. I can certainly understand your feelings about being a secondary when it's more than just casual and fun. Hope you can find a way to break up that's not too painful.
 
Breaking with him

Kevin,

Thank you so much for the support, it's very appreciated. I've been the secondary in a casual, dating V, and it was great. I've been the secondary in a triad, and it was great. I've been the primary in a triad, and it was great. In a polyfi V where deeper emotions are involved, it sucks (at least for me).

Fortunately, we aren't living together. They did ask me to move in, but I declined because she and I weren't getting along, and I had a pretty clear idea where it was going. Once I declined, things got even worse, actually.

Honestly, everything triggers drama with her. I'd love to give examples, but I'd rather not be too identifying. The closest I can get is that instead of just saying "I really could use someone to support me right now," or something adult like that if there is a work or family crisis of some kind, she'll start wailing louder and louder, in increments, until someone comes to soother her. Which, incidentally, I don't do because I am not interested in reinforcing that. Which may make me a bitch, but really, I don't do it for anyone. Ask for what you need, and I will give you everything I can. Act like a spoiled child, and you've totally lost me.

She's very emotionally manipulative and immature overall; and, you are right, he's used to it enough he kind of assumes everyone would be okay with it. Weirdly, I am better at dealing with it very short-term than he is, much like I would be with a child; but, there's a reason I don't have kids: I don't want to deal with it on an ongoing basis. He, however, deals fairly well with it as a long-term thing. And, in some ways, perhaps he needs it? She and I are complete opposites in terms of personality, which I know fulfills very different things for him (because he's told me this). She's also single-white-femaled the hell out of me, which stains things. She's now trying to replicate me and the things he and I do together that she's been very uninterested in (and sometimes even outright against) before me (not in bed--we're all VERY adventurous there--but IRL), which is just plain weird.

I am struggling with the when and how to end it. I don't want to end it, really, because I love him. When we are together, it's euphoric. We're so well-matched in so many ways, and we have an amazing time together. We compliment each other, challenge each other, and I haven't felt so strongly about someone in a very long time. But, Reality Happens, and I need to be in a healthy place.

I keep telling myself that. But I still haven't ended it.
 
And being balanced

I should say that her drama isn't the only reason I need to end this. Our schedules mean we don't get to see each other much, and it's wearing thin for me. I don't get the "real life" stuff with him (cleaning house, running errands, etc.), so I am pretty much a single woman in all those respects. It's another "fairness" aspect for me: they do all the mundane, "couple" stuff at their house, and I have to do it all alone. While they each have a helpmate to accomplish tasks, and get to spend time together doing them, I support my household (bills, chores, errands, etc.) completely independently and completely on my own time (because having him help me do it would mean giving up the very little time we're getting to do anything other than go to bed). They don't understand why this makes me feel secondary, btw.

Since I have a full-time job on a different schedule (that I can't change), I spend a lot of time physically exhausted because unless I stay up way later than I should to spend time with him, I don't see him for more than a few minutes a couple of times a week before bed, and then a full day or two every two weeks. I am staying up those extra hours, which is leaving me beyond tired (and he's getting up early, which is leaving him tired). When I am single, being alone is fine. I like my alone time. But, when I am in love with someone, this little time gets to be a problem. Especially when it's a very limited window, because it often means giving up doing other things I would like to or should get done if they happen to fall on those tightly-schedule days.

The short version is that it's not working, and it's not likely to change. I get that. I just don't want to.:(
 
Well, it sounds like you want to do the mature thing and let go of a relationship with someone who has unavoidable toxicity surrounding him - even though it will break your heart to do so. Is there any way you can continue your relationship with him and just not be around her or interact with her? There's no requirement in poly to endure the presence of toxic metamours - it certainly isn't unreasonable to ask that he can see you outside his home and your contact with her can be very little to none.

But if that isn't possible and a breakup is inevitable, then I would simply ask to talk to him privately and then express to him some of the things you wrote in your posts:

"Honey, you know I am deeply in love with you, and when we are together, it's euphoric. We're so well-matched in so many ways, and we have an amazing time together. We compliment each other, challenge each other, and I haven't felt so strongly about someone in a very long time.

But I am struggling with the dynamic of this Vee. My heart is breaking to tell you this, but I don't feel I have a lot of other choices. The drama of your other relationship, and how you allow it to continue, along with the challenge of our schedules, is just very unhealthy for me. The drama has just been too much for me, and is very difficult for me to deal with. It's not working for me, and I know it's not likely to change.

I don't want to end it, really, because I love you, but the reality is - I need to end it. I know you want to marry me but, given the rest of the situation, it's not a solution I think is workable long-term. I don't want to cause you pain, but I feel the only thing I can do in order to be in a healthy place in my life is to let go of this toxic situation."
 
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NyCindie, thank you. I may steal that word-for-word. :) Why can't I be that eloquent when I am talking to him?

I haven't been to their home (other than once to pick him up) in about two months, and I no longer have any real contact with her (both my choice). Unfortunately, it seeps through no matter what (trust me, I've tried to stop it). And, given that she and I will never be able to live together, it pretty much means I'd have to accept always being a secondary to their relationship, which I am not willing to do in a long-term polyfi (hey, I want someone to help me do my laundry, too ;-0 )

While I know it's the mature thing, my heart is breaking. I keep wanting to try and find ways to make it work, as does he, but really...it just keeps not getting fixed. There's a shot his schedule will change to something more akin to mine in a month or two, but then the schedule problem will be that her's hasn't, so days off together for he and I won't happen. It's essentially the worst of all worlds in terms of scheduling, which is rough enough when you're a mono couple trying to make it work. But, trying to do that with three is a feat of Herculean proportions that is incredibly stressful, and someone always misses out on a hefty chunk of bonding time.

*starts memorizing your post*
 
Sounds like his wife feels threatened by you, and for some reason she has to compete with you. I take it you aren't "officially secondary," but because of being separated from them and not being able to share the day-to-day stuff, you *feel* like you've been relegated to a secondary status.

Living together would probably alleviate the "secondary" problem, but it would also expose you to more of the wife's passive-aggressive drama, so you'd only be trading one problem for another.

In a general sense, I think poly-fi V's "can" work, but it requires certain logistics and virtues depending on the situation. First, having all three people live together makes things easier on the "hinge" of the V. Second, each "arm" of the V needs a certain amount of independence and ability to be alone. In your case, the wife seems to be a needy, clingy person, which means she will absorb most/all of the time her husband has available outside work. Finally, all three people in the V need to be treated as equals, which could not happen in your situation for several (wife-related) reasons.

The man in this V needs to be "freed up" to lavish all of his attentions on his wife, so removing yourself from that dynamic is actually the best thing for all three of you. Doesn't mean there's any easy way to do it, though. :(
 
Spot on

Kevin, that pretty much nails it. I agree she feels threatened by me. She has very low self-esteem, so she feels threatened by a great deal in life; and, much of her acting out is, I think, directly related to that. It's unfortunate that she's in such a headspace, because no one should be; but, it's also not something I want the responsibility for "fixing," or putting up with (does that make me a bitch? I don't know, maybe, but that doesn't change how I feel about it).

They've both declared me also a "primary," but we all know that's just blowing smoke. It's an easy thing to say, a much more difficult thing to actually execute. And, for all the reasons you list, it's not a functional Vee. He doesn't actually want to be free to lavish all of his attention on her; but, it's something he's agree to accept, tacitly or implicitly, over the last 5 years of their relationship it seems.

We had the initial talk last night. It didn't go well. We're not officially over, but that is clearly where it's going and he's aware.

I hate breakups. I hate them more when I don't want to be doing it. He's amazing. We are amazing together. And, I have to be honest, it's the best sex I've ever had (and I haven't spent my life having bad sex).

*sigh*
 
NyCindie, thank you. I may steal that word-for-word. :) Why can't I be that eloquent when I am talking to him? . . .

*starts memorizing your post*

You are that eloquent! Those were all your own words to begin with! I just put them together.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Good luck!
 
Hopefully it won't take too much longer to get that break-up over with. Sorry to hear that you're losing so much in the relationship you had with him.
 
Kevin, thank you. It's hard. While I am pretty happy either as poly or in the right mono, the reality is I find very few people of either sex I am interested in relationships with. So, when I find one, it really sucks to lose them. The same is true of sexual interest. I am voracious sexually, and prefer varied and somewhat kinky sex; but, there's very few people I am interested in doing it with. My former triad was amazing because of this. Ah, well, I foresee some time on my own now, which is also good.

The breakup won't drag on, if only because I am not a patient person, really. There are some details to work out.
 
Well, do keep us posted as we're pulling for you ... Sorry about the pending trip through the sex/relationships desert, that sucks. Do you think you and the guy you're with will remain friends after the break-up? Maybe not, due to his wife, eh?

With sympathies,
Kevin T.
 
Probably not

I don't think it's going to end with us not being friends, but I do think it will end with us not talking to one another for a long while. Not so much because of his wife, per se (though I suspect that will also be an issue). More because I don't think we'll be able to be together and not connect emotionally, which would be very difficult for me since I don't really want to be losing him in the first place. Maybe eventually, once there's some space, we will be able to be friendlier (assuming the wife issue isn't..well, and issue). But, initially, I think I'l need some time and distance to heal myself from the breakup.

The good news is I am pretty happy on my own. I was alone for quiet some time before I hooked up with them both, and loved it, actually. I'm very active, have a job I love, and a good social life. So, combine that with my toy collection, and I'll be okay :p I'll definitely keep you all updated!
 
Re:
"Initially, I think I'll need some time and distance to heal myself from the breakup."

Ah, I see what you mean, that makes sense.

Sounds like at least you won't have to plummet to the depths of despair from being alone, so to say. Best wishes anyway for you to find a new romance though, at least before the aloneness starts to try your patience! :)

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
The promised update:

So, that ended explosively. Short version: okay, ,there is no short version. Another drama happened that impacted me directly, and that was that. I realize that's vague, but given I think one or both of them reads these boards, that's about all I can say.

It hurts. A lot. But, I have other things to focus on right now, and a great life to live.
 
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