My tendency to over-think things....

An annoying breed, the one twue polys. Sorry you ran into that sort of nonsense.

It happens. The fact that we have multiple poly groups to choose from is amazing to me, and they weren't TOO bad, so if all else fails, I wouldn't hesitate to return to the meetup.
 
I have started conversations with a few different people on OKC. One man is someone I didn't think I would be interested in based on the profile, but he sent me a message and we have fallen into playful chit chat very well. I doubt there is romantic potential, but I could easily see us becoming friends. He and his wife are Portland natives, so that is a plus in my book right now! The woman I'm talking to never even thought of poly until after she got married and realized she missed being with women. So... She is looking for a serious girlfriend to form a more closed relationship with - at least closed on her side - she doesn't seem to have a preference on whether or not the woman she dates has other partners besides a male "primary." She just has a child and isn't interested in pursuing more than one relationship. We shall see if either of these things leads to ANYTHING, but it's good to be chatting with a few people at least. :)
 
We went to Ron Jeremy's Club Sesso Saturday night.... I pretty much hated it. lol It has a very "dance club" like atmosphere - blaring, mostly crappy music, and no room to breathe unless you go into one of the private play rooms. The play rooms themselves were nice, but we were only able to catch one empty once in a span of 5 hours. They had a floor that is only for couples and single woman which was quieter and more roomy, but it was entirely open so there wasn't even an option for privacy at all.

So, I don't plan on returning. I'd intended to drink a Ron Jeremy Rum and Coke whilst there and forgot. :D Keith and I had fun just the two of us... Only had real conversations with 2 couples - one I'd talked to online before, but since she was just going around the room making out with any woman who'd touch her while her boyfriend followed like a puppy, I was rather put off and then the second thought we were brand new to the swinger world and offered to "break us in" - also off putting to me. I think I've become more poly than swinger at the point as I am enjoying the thought of casual, more than likely one-time-thing sex less and less... I may jump in the sack with people rather quickly, but I can only do it if I LIKE them. And to like them I need to have a conversation which isn't really possible or looked for at this club.

In conclusion - I'm glad I went just because it has Ron Jeremy's name attached. It wasn't awful, but it's not my kind of place. I wouldn't really recommend it unless you want to go just to dance or have sex with random strangers. I'm not ready to give up on the swinging world quite yet since I think the community as a whole is a great place to meet new friends and find some enjoyable FWB situations, but unless we can find a more intimate club, that phase may have ended almost as soon as it began.
 
I deleted my "In a relationship with..." that linked my profile to Fiona's on fetlife today. I honestly forgot it was there and when I went in to edit a bit, realized that was a step I needed to take. Happily, I had no negative feelings about it whatsoever and it was done within seconds. :p

In other news, the few prospects I have are progressing nicely... One of the guys I'm talking to is going to meet me (and possibly Keith) at a comedy show that is coming up in a couple of weeks. His wife isn't into the type of comedy it is, and he was bummed about not having someone to go with. Seemed the perfect opportunity to meet face-to-face. I'm hoping he and Keith will get along (assuming Keith wants to go, too, which I'm fairly sure he will).

I met a woman I'd been talking to when we went to Sesso Saturday. She was incredibly drunk, though, so I didn't get to interact with her too much (I wasn't in the right mindset for sleeping with anyone new and she was very much in the "I wanna hook up with someone" phase of intoxication). We kissed a bit, though, and she made sure to send me a message telling me how good at it I am... lol We're planning on meeting for coffee at a local bookstore sometime soon to actually talk and get to know each other a bit better without inebriation or sex happening all around us to distract us. I definitely see the potential for good friends and company at swingers' events in her and her boyfriend, but we shall see.
 
I've just realized that I've subconsciously been putting off meeting anyone who could obviously be a romantic interest because of Keith. All of the "adding to our relationship" talk made me think about how couple-centric I have been acting since we moved.

I tend to avoid doing things during the week because Keith has to work and can't, so I don't feel like it's fair. (Totally my thing, he WANTS me to get out and do things but I feel bad spending the money while I'm not working and he's slaving away at a job he hates)

The guy I'm (hopefully) meeting a comedy show invited me to coffee the other day and I made up a lame excuse about job hunting. (WHY? Coffee is cheap, so it's not like I'd be spending a ton of money... I'm meeting this guy soon anyway, although Keith will probably be around too... I have no idea what my problem is on this one)

Keith has had zero luck out here even finding people to talk to. Every single person he has sent a message to on OKC and some other site he's on (some forum thing, I think.. I don't know the specifics) has ignored it. Not even random conversation or a no thank you or anything. This makes me feel terrible, because as hard as he tries to not let it bother him, he still feels rejected. He was talking to two women before we moved, but since we are now 2500 miles away and have no hope of traveling that often, those aren't even possibilities anymore. As silly and irrational as I know it is, I feel bad because I have dated/gone on dates with multiple people since it has been an option and he has only been on a couple of dates with a woman quite a while back. It seems so unfair since he is really a much better person than I am... lol

So, I'm not couple-centric in our approach to relationships so much as what activities I'm willing to do. I intellectually know that it's ridiculous for me to put off meeting people and getting settled out here, and that things will happen when they're supposed to happen, but I still feel like I should wait until Keith has SOMETHING to do (some group or place to play games) or SOMEONE (friends or romantic) to hang out with while I'm out - assuming it affects our time together, which honestly it shouldn't since I have Mon-Fri nights to do things while he's at work.

Blah... I feel like I'm over analyzing everything and just being ridiculous.
 
Blah... I feel like I'm over analyzing everything and just being ridiculous.

Omigosh, you have no idea how cute you are, not ridiculous! I love reading your posts and how you examine your thoughts. But it is true, at some point we do need to stop thinking so much, go outside, and play in the sunshine! :D
 
Omigosh, you have no idea how cute you are, not ridiculous! I love reading your posts and how you examine your thoughts. But it is true, at some point we do need to stop thinking so much, go outside, and play in the sunshine! :D

It's so funny you say that! The sun is shining beautifully today (FINALLY the beautiful spring I was promised when I moved to Oregon lol), so I am just waiting for Keith to get out of the shower and we are going hiking! :D
 
Hanging out with a guy from OKC tomorrow (/later today)! Turns out he lives really close... Like across the street close. Odd how things work out... Anyway, yeah. Keith told me today that I need to either look for another relationship or be sluttier. Apparently my outgoing-ness helps encourage him to be outgoing. Proving once again that my over-thinking is unnecessary. We've joined a few meetup groups both together and separately to try to find platonic friends, as well.

In other news... I'm thinking about getting a tattoo for my birthday. The thing that normally stops me when I get in the mindset of wanting one is money, but since Keith would spend money on me anyway.... I can't decide if I want the flower on my back or the heart on my chest. Or the sword and/or script on my leg. Eventually I would like to have them all, but which one first? It has to be the one that I want the most since I may hate the process and decide to never get the other two. I have a month and half-ish to make my decision and find an artist.
 
In other news... I'm thinking about getting a tattoo for my birthday. The thing that normally stops me when I get in the mindset of wanting one is money, but since Keith would spend money on me anyway...

Hey, what about asking him to pay for bringing your dog to where you are instead?
 
Hey, what about asking him to pay for bringing your dog to where you are instead?

Because I've been getting updates and she LOVES her new home. She went to live with the mother of the woman that lived next door to us in Indy. So, she is spoiled rotten - she gets to sleep in the bed with this woman, she goes EVERYWHERE with her (which is great because she loves rides :) ), and the one child that she has always loved (our neighbor's son) visits once a week so she gets to see him and play with him but doesn't live with him (she has a fairly low tolerance for children when she gets tired). I also looked up the safety concerns for dogs traveling separate from their people and there are quite a few deaths every year. She is a mix of 3 flat nosed breeds, as well, so the likelihood of her breathing being affected by flying is also increased. Keith told me we could make it work and get here out here, but since she had to adjust to a new home already, I don't really see the point of uprooting her life again for me. She seems perfectly happy where she's at, and since I know she's ok - I'm fine with it.
 
Keith told me we could make it work and get here out here, but since she had to adjust to a new home already, I don't really see the point of uprooting her life again for me. She seems perfectly happy where she's at, and since I know she's ok - I'm fine with it.
Oh good - can you believe it, I have thought of your doggy several times since you posted about having to leave her. Tee-hee, I guess that qualifies me as an animal lover! I am so glad it worked out, and that she's happy, and you're happy.
 
I think that's sweet. :)

I talked to my mother in law today, and she went on and on about Gracie (Keith's dog that is now Keith's mom's dog lol). She is also spoiled, apparently. She went from not allowed to even sleep in the bedroom to sleeping in the bed every night. She has a dog living next door now that she plays with through the fence so she spends A LOT of time outside - which is good, because she was getting a little chunky in her old age living in an apartment. She has also started visiting the store where my MIL works. So, yeah. That rehoming worked out really well, too. lol Keith's parents were soooo set that they did NOT want a dog and only took Gracie because she has anxiety issues and there was no way any shelter would have been able to find her a home (she had been in the shelter for a year when we got her). Turns out they are totally dog people. :D
 
I tried to write a post, but I'm not making any sense.

I miss having people. I miss being able to see my sister and parents every other weekend. I miss the kids I was babysitting. I miss Mario inviting me over for Jeopardy marathons once a week.

Normally I love it here, but every once in a while I just hate it. I hate not having people, and I have no idea how to find new ones. We've gone to meetups, we've gone to church, we've gone to clubs. Nobody has seemed even the slightest bit interested in just hanging out.

I get messages on OKC, but they are always from men who only seem to want sex or are curious about poly/open relationships. Women out here have been hard to relate to so far, even the ones that I've conversed with.

I'm terribly afraid that I am just a small-town, Midwest girl at heart and that I'll never feel at home in the Northwest.
 
I think it's probably very natural to feel out of place in a new environment. It's only been a very short amount of time so far. I feel like it takes a year to get a real feel for a new city/town, and two years to begin to put down solid roots. I know that must sound like forever when you're in the midst of it and hopefully it won't take that long, but one way or the other I bet it will get better.
 
Thanks, Annabel. Intellectually I know it will improve immensely once we get established in the various groups we've become involved in, but like you said... It just seems to take forever.

I've decided to see a therapist. I'm a believer that therapy helps everyone at some point, and I think right now is my point. Even if it's only a few sessions to get everything off my chest. Keith pointed out something that I've often noticed - the swings in my blood sugar cause me to have mood swings almost as severe as someone with bipolar disorder. While I know I do better when my diet is on track, I need to work on ways to cope with it when I err. Hopefully getting it out there will help me find some perspective.

Luckily, we have some pretty awesome insurance, so I am going to call tomorrow to see if I need a referral from my everyday doctor (speaking of which, I need to find a new one of those too... And a dentist...) or if I can just make an appointment. I don't think I need a referral, but if it lowers the copay, I'm all for it! I know two psychologists that are within walking distance are covered by our insurance, so it is just figuring out the technicalities.

Haha.. Maybe I can start working on my trust issues while I'm at it...
 
So, the therapist thing has been put on hold until we're more financially stable. Insurance isn't great unless I can get my primary physician to refer me, and since I have yet to find one of those, it'll be a bit before it happens.

On a positive note.... We went swimming today! It's been lovely all weekend, and the water was FREEZING, but it was fun nonetheless.

Keith has been talking to a couple of women on OKC, so he has been giddy and adorable.

I'm returning to my mindset of not looking for relationships. I've connected with a few people I can really see myself being friends with from church, and my life always seems to be better when I'm not worrying about romance. It'll happen if it's supposed to. Why worry about it when my life is pretty darn awesome anyway?

I've started working out again AND there's been sun. I think the lack of vitamin D may have been affecting me and my mood more than I realized.
 
Random rant!

I'm an active member on a forum about swinging... I was only judged by a few members there when I shared the whole experience with Fiona and Mario - and even those comments were in the "to each their own" vein of thinking.

Lately, though, I've seen SO MANY people judging polyamory in general and saying the only way poly can work is if it is a harem style set up with one man and multiple women who are basically only used to keep the house, children, and for sex.

It pisses me off beyond belief, and I've been trying not to let it bother me. I mean, these people are entitled to their opinions. If they don't think poly would work, they don't have to attempt it. I guess I just dislike seeing such hatred and ignorance coming from people who would be facing the same hatred and ignorance if their identity as swingers was revealed to many.

Can't we as nonmonogamist at least support each other a little bit?!

I've never felt any judgment on here for being a swinger. I appreciate that.

That is all.
 
I really can't relate to the whole swinging/poly division that exists for some. I am open, and I am poly. Both come from the same place for me, really, from feeling like I wish my partner(s) to have all experiences they want to have and feel most happy and satisfied in life whether with or without me.

Yet, not everybody comes from the same place, so it is understandable. But I don't think the polarisation benefits anybody (as it never does).
 
Keith and I went to our second poly meetup tonight. It was a lot more fun than the last one. :)

The normal coordinator was unable to make it, so there once again wasn't a real topic for discussion. I'm hoping this will change in the next month or two, and if it doesn't, I may start coming prepared with topics myself just to facilitate conversation to remain poly-centric since that is really we're all there. Not that I don't enjoy sitting around and randomly talking about what tv shows, games, and other random things we like, but hearing other people's perspectives on polyamory is a major motivation for me to remain part of this group.

There were about twice as many people, which was wonderful. I got the number of one woman that I chatted with pretty much the entire time. She's going to escort me to a burlesque show sometime in the near future since I have never been and she has a few friends that perform locally. Keith also got the contact information for a guy that I didn't get to talk to much, but he assures me I will get along with well (from what I could tell, he's right - the man was very friendly, laughed a lot, and seemed to have a lot of the same outdoorsy interests that Keith and I share). The woman is solo, casually dating a couple of men. The man is in a serious relationship with a woman who wasn't able to come because of the lack of childcare. So, we're finally making contacts! Yay!

This weekend should be fun as well... We are going to a cookout for young adults (18-35) hosted by a UU church group. A woman we met at the church we've been attending invited us along. Then the church is having an activities after the normal service so we will be having a book discussion as well as some other activities created to help everyone get to know one another and the goals of the congregation. I took a quiz that told me UU was the religion most likely to conform to my belief structure, and after a couple of months of exposing myself to it, I think that might be accurate.

Overall I am in a very good place tonight. Rainy season is almost over, I'm finally meeting people who seem to want to make new friends, AND I found out my parents may get to come visit in May. :D Now it is time for bed! Or more likely time to start a new book and then sleep with Keith during the day tomorrow. I really hate sleeping alone.
 
Bisexual erasure. It's haunting me.

I struggle with myself constantly. I feel marginalized everywhere I go and I don't know if it's because of how society works or if it's because I haven't truly embraced myself yet.

I don't feel at home in the LGBT community. The 'B' always feels so ignored and often judged that I tend to avoid it. As a woman married to a man, I've never really felt like I've been included in the sense of community. Sure, the groups and individuals I've talked to have always said "welcome!" and have appreciated my support, but in reality no one really related to me. I was too "normal."

I am also struggling to fit into the local poly community. Not because of the identification as poly, but because of the other interests/outlooks that many of the local poly people have. Gaming, Paganism, Art, Writing - all themes that are very prevalent in the interests of a majority of the polyamorists. I share none of these interests, really. I have no artistic/creative ability, I have no interest in the more serious "geeky" games (I'm a Boggle, Cranium, Sequence player - that's about it on games), and I still identify as "Christian" although my definition of such has drastically altered in the recent years.

I don't fit in with swingers very well anymore because I am not adamant about keeping sex and emotions separate. Non-open groups/people would think I'm crazy or going to hell or something if they knew half of what I do.

I know I'm bi. I believe in polyamory, whether or not it's my natural inclination or something that I've accepted intellectually and the emotions have followed is something I question. I lack passion for any specific pastime or hobby. I think I will always struggle relating to groups of people until I find something over which we can bond.
 
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