Redpepper's journey

What does fate hold for you? What are you hoping time will provide?
I hope it provides an answer, because I am stuck. This feels like an ultimatum some days, even if you don't intend it to. I can't help thinking that I am giving up more.

It's all very well for you to say that you will be okay, that you will still be my friend and that you will still be in my life.

I will not be okay with that. At least not as it stands right now. Maybe one day it won't matter as much and I will be fine to drop our sex life because I need to be free to explore options with others without being restricted. Not a chance right now, but what is that going to do to us? Will this create weird dynamics between us sexually? Will it influence the dom/sub relationship we have?

This is what I think about sometimes. I don't want to be in a situation needlessly whereby I feel like you owe me or that I cross a boundary in our D/s life because of resentment or frustration.

You ask a big thing of me, Mono, to give up my freedom. That is big for any Sagittarius. Do the reading on Sags, and you will see. I really don't know where it will take us, but I am willing to find out. It really has nothing to do with Leo or anyone, specifically, and everything to do with my boundaries and yours, your possible fear and my respect of that, your determination and comfort, and mine.
 
Maybe one day it won't matter as much and I will be fine to drop our sex life because I need to be free to explore options with others without being restricted.
I think about this also...not that it means less to you and you are ok with letting go of the sex, but that I will be ok with letting go of that "restriction." I was ready to do that with my ex wife, I think. Not because I loved her more, but because I lost connection and did not value that aspect of our relationship. That is my only fear in all of this. I have no insecurity, as the word is often thrown around in poly circles, and don't adhere to the concepts of insecurity as it is laid out often. I have lost more than anyone on here (besides you) truly realizes, and I fear no personal loss anymore. I will survive. That's what I do.

The only thing I fear is setting you up by creating circumstances that in turn reshape my intimate energy connection to you. I have to be careful of this, as I have used it in the past.

Will this create weird dynamics between us sexually? Will it influence the dom/sub relationship we have? This is what I think about sometimes. I don't want to be in a situation needlessly, whereby I feel like you owe me, or that I cross a boundary in our D/s life because of resentment or frustration.

Other than me probably not wanting to hear about your encounters with anyone besides PN, Derby and your tertiary for quite some time, I don't think so. I don't think I would be comfortable talking about any sex I was having until I knew you were on very solid ground. I wouldn't need the guilt of hurting you more on my shoulders.

I don't know what would become of D/s. It's very intimate and I wouldn't let anyone else Dom me in that way. I think that would belong to us in memory. But I now understand our last scene more. There was anger there. It was your turn to release.

Your possible fear and my respect of that.

I only fear one thing-- what reshaping my intimate energy from you would do to your heart.


I really couldn't say what I just did in my last post if I didn't think we would make it. Just so you know.

I know. :D
 
I don't think I would be comfortable talking about any sex I was having until I knew you were on very solid ground. I wouldn't need the guilt of hurting you more on my shoulders.
That is the first time you have mentioned sex with someone else if we were to break up, EVER! :( It makes me think that you know what the end result of us will be already.
 
That is the first time you have mentioned sex with someone else if we were to break up, EVER! :( It makes me think that you know what the end result of us will be already...

Not at all, Baby. Just trying to look at things that probably won't happen, in a logical way. Sorry, too much logic, I think. :(
 
That is the first time you have mentioned sex with someone else if we were to break up, EVER! :( It makes me think that you know what the end result of us will be already...

Not at all Baby, just trying to look at things that probably won't happen in a logical way. Sorry, ...too much logic I think. :(
 
Too much logic. There is no logic in any of this, is there? If there is, I wish someone would point it out. Having emotional attachments to this makes it far more complicated.

It just goes to show that poly theory is not the answer to everything. There are so many formulas to everything in poly, as it's so easy to think of it monogamously. But really, when it comes to mono/poly relationships there is no answer. Don't do them, would be my answer. But then I feel madly in love with you and couldn't help it and wasn't brave enough at the time to walk away. Neither were you.

I was hurt and broken and you washed the soot off my heart. Now I realize that I would've done both of us a favour if I had walked away. The thing is, you needed me as much as I needed you and we both weren't able to walk away. We have created an awesome life together, all of us. Everything is complete. Now there is just this one dilemma, and I just can't shake it.

It's a good thing I am going back to work tomorrow. This introspection is sucking, big time. Who knows though, maybe we will come up with an answer by the time we do our workshops at the poly camps this summer.
 
We definitely needed each other, and still do. Our honesty and support towards each other has always been our greatest strength. I don't see that changing, ever. :) I love you.
 
Save your tears for when I shut the water off to the house this weekend and you can't do laundry for a week. ;)
 
I was hurt and broken and you washed the soot off my heart. Now I realize that I would've done both of us a favour if I had walked away. The thing is, you needed me as much as I needed you and we both weren't able to walk away. We have created an awesome life together, all of us. Everything is complete. Now there is just this one dilemma and I just can't shake it.

Sometimes people just fit together in a way that doesn't make any logical sense. There isn't any walking away from something like that. The both of you NEED each other, in the present tense. You guys aren't going to be able to get any sleep unless you stop playing the "what if" game. Right now is right now. Let future RP and Mono worry about what might be down the line.

Right now, there isn't anyone out there who is worth the risk of losing what you and Mono have. Maybe there never will be. Maybe if there is, his boundaries will change. Your lives are both richer for having been shared with each other. If you had just walked away, you would have spent the rest of your life wondering about what might have been.
 
You guys aren't going to be able to get any sleep unless you stop playing the "what if" game. Right now is right now, let future RP and Mono worry about what might be down the line.
.

Holy crap, you have a smart girlfriend, RP!! ;)

Thanks, Derby.
 
If I am reading this right, there isn't anyone else in the picture yet, right? Why worry about something that may never happen? Toss out logic and concern, and live and enjoy what you have now. Don't look for bumps int he road you haven't hit yet. Unless I am reading this wrong, of course.
 
There is no one worth fucking. No. I can assure you of that. It all comes down to the fucking. That's it.:p

I do have a smart girlfriend. :D

Thanks, sweets.
 
Things are good today. As long as I don't over-think, I don't freak out as much. I went to see Leo today, just to check in on my thoughts about everything, and confirmed that really, my life is good where it is. I confirmed with him our plans to camp this summer with our families again, two weekends, one at the beginning of summer and one at the end. Luckily the poly camps don't coincide. It was nice to see him, give him a hug and make sure his staff saw me. They know me by name now and are thoroughly confused. He says they are jealous that a pretty redhead doesn't visit them. ;) I like that.

In leaving it, I have opened my mind to the realization that he isn't all that into me, really, and would have sex with me if he could, but really just enjoys my company and that he can show me off. He likes to take me out and treat me, knowing that he can look at me and be seen with me. It feeds into my fetishes nicely and I think I should take it just as that. He also thinks I'm smart and likes to hear what I say about poly, relationships and what I do with the rest of my time, burlesque, etc.

He is satisfied with a girl on his arm, who likes to dress up and be treated to dinner and a drink or two, and be left to talk his ear off. I can do that. As long as I don't cause drama between him and his wife, or get overly emotional, I think it will be fine. In order to do that, I have to watch my attachment and connection with him. It's best if I don't get in too deep.
 
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