I propose a little exercise. Just for fucking shits & giggles. I wonder if ya'll can manage it.
Let's imagine - and I realize that this is WAAAY out there for most of you, that I am NOT, in fact, an ignorant, narcissistic, womanizing asshole who lacks any self awareness or comprehension of basic introspection. Let's PRETEND that I'm a pretty damn smart, considerate, compassionate person, who has spent many many years perfecting the art of introspection and self awareness, and works very hard to overcome his issues. There are still flaws here, but let's even take the DRASTIC step of pretending I know that!
Now - since this is the land of fucking make-believe, let's ALSO pretend that I wasn't always the one in the wrong when things went south with our relationships. Let's say that poly in general was Violet's idea. I even resisted the idea of outside interests for months; sexually or otherwise. Let's say she introduced me to this fucking website for fuck's sake. Let's PRETEND that when other girls showed interest, she was supportive of the idea and often even pushed us forward! Let's even be specific:
Let's PRETEND that when Anne joined our relationship, that I busted my ass to make everyone involved happy & comfortable. Let's PRETEND that Violet discovered some insecurities & pulled some manipulative crap, and that Anne & I tried to work with her on them so we could all get where we said we wanted to go with all this, and that Violet was all for it. Let's PRETEND that when it seemed as though things were going to turn the corner, Anne was caught lying & cheating, and that that's what ended it all.
Let's PRETEND that several months later, Violet approaches me with the idea of trying this again, or at least being open to the idea. Let's PRETEND that hours and hours and hours over the course of weeks later, we decide it's okay to consider it.
And in pretend land, Lana drops her bomb, after almost two years of knowing us and a year of introspection and thought and not dating while she figured herself out, she wanted to be with us. And there was much rejoicing. But not sex, and not a lot of other things, because we moved slow with Lana.
So now we can pretend that when Adrianne came along, everyone was in a state of much joy & hope, and that she & I were pretty much fuck buddies, but she spent a LOT of time at our house & the girls just GUSHED about how adorable we were together and on and on. She liked them too. Everyone jsut sort of looked at each other & said "sure, why not?" Because in PRETEND LAND, it was in fact the three girls that really motivated it. Together.
See, this is where we PRETEND that HMA wasn't living out a harem fantasy; that he didn't go looking for this. I know that's a reach, but c'mon, this is PRETEND LAND.
Then, even in pretend land, it all hit the fan. Turns out Lana & Adrianna didn't like each other much. Turns out Violet would take Lana's back even when she knew she was wrong. In this PRETEND world, they even conspired against Adrianne & did some seriously messed up shit (that they finally admitted to about 6 months after she was gone, and tat's not pretend).
But remember that this is all just in pretend land, 'cuz in the real world they were all victims & I'm a self deluding asshole, as if any of you could forget THAT!
Now, in this pretend world, when all this goes down, I spend every day miserable and torn between 3 women who all made certain commitments to each other as well as to me. They ALL come to ME to settle their petty crap - meaning I have to choose who to side with about 80 times a day, and there is never a right choice.
In PRETEND WORLD, I try and try and try to broker peace and help everyone find a place where they can cooperate and be happy. Because in pretend world, I give a fuck about the women I claim to love. I make lots of mistakes. Hell, in most of the situations there probably isn't a non-mistake to be made. But yes - I also lose my temper a lot & cave to the stress often.
Now - somewhere in here, I came to this website for some support. And so did Violet. And just about everyone immediately took Violet's side and/or told me everything I was doing wrong (cuz you know, they were here & all). In this, the real world, Violet got tons and tons of sympathy while I get called names and accused of shit. Even when she later confessed to lying and changing her story. Even when she admitted to the manipulative behaviors. People excused her, said she was just trying to find her place - and TORE INTO ME. And you wonder why I'm bitter?
So, back to pretend world.
In this pretend world where I'm a decent guy trying to be sensitive to the needs of the women who have chosen to be with me and for which and whom I am grateful, I dedicate myself to making things work with Lana & Violet, finally let go of Adrianne when I get an out in the form of catching her lying to and about another guy, and shit goes down.
But in pretend world, I remained supportive of the other two girls despite knowing they had worked against her and hurt her and me. I put that aside and committed myself to the women who had been with me for a couple of years by now. Because in pretend world, I'm very self aware and take a long view of things, and will spend hours in my own head to sort priorities and decide where I need to give in or compromise.
Just in pretend world of course, you are all pretty fucking positive that that ain't reality! I know this, because in the real world, I came back here again & started a thread because I was deeply hurt & depressed about the last and final failure in this story. And surprise surprise - a few people see it for what it is, me being hurt and sad & depressed - and the rest jump up my ass yet again.
JUST what I needed, thanks.
Why can't I just be venting my feelings - like so many others do here? Why can't I just be coming to a place where people who have some idea of what a breakup in a poly relationship is like will lend an ear and maybe a kind word? Why is it so hard for anyone here to accept anything I say at face value and work from there? That's the point of the whole "pretend world" thing - I hope some of you got it. Everything I have posted since the Anne issue has resulted in threads like this one with responses like these. And you wonder why I'm bitter and defensive?! REALLY?!
Since you all LOVE picking my shit apart so much, go back to my old posts. Pre-triad drama. Notice the difference between then & after half the board did just what they're doing here & now.
Derby - I can post hundreds of links to examples of happy marriages that failed at the 40 or even 50 year mark. What's your point?
I am not the only one here to get discouraged and upset about poly. I AM, for some reason, the site punching bag when I have a problem. SO many of you are so happy to pick my posts apart, look for places where you think I am being deceptive or God knows what.
Anyone can pick apart quotes and put them in context. That's how tabloids make their living.
How about instead, people consider that I'm a decent person looking for some support and sympathy? Why is it automatically assumed that I haven't looked at myself in these situations, or that I'm the one manipulating, or that I refuse to listen to advice? Seriosuly - what the FUCK is wrong with you people on that note? You do it for others,. All the time. You did it for Violet. A lot.
I guess you're right. No point in my being here.
My bad.