Mono Wife - Secondary? What?

pocketpoly86

New member
Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed! :)
 
Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed! :)

It's my belief that as your husband, he's made a commitment to you. Why are you being relegated to the lower levels of the house?

As the secondary, are you taking on secondary roles? No longer responsible for chores, bills, etc? Not to pour salt on the wound here but I just don't see the logic here.
 
I'd have to say-it's always good to write. Helps a lot to order your mind.

But, for replies-it would be helpful if we had a better picture of the situation.

Welcome to the board.
 
Yes, please expand....

I'm feel like to be able to give sound advice and help in relating to your situation, more information is necessary. But once it's given, I'm sure we would all love to help you sort through things.

Welcome :)
 
For those of you that have been wondering, the beginning to her journey has been posted in the blog section.

Welcome, Pocketpoly, and I hope that you get the support and/or feedback you are looking for from the wonderful people here. Your journey has been and will continue to be an interesting one, I'm sure, so thank you in advance for sharing it with us!
 
im clearly very new to this but.. secondaries dont have responcibilities? (chores/bills/etc?)

There was a discussion on the forums a while back (I'm on my phone so searching for it isn't an option) that discussed the roles of secondaries vs primaries. Basically, what I took away was that a primary was someone you lived with and shared responsibilities such as chores, bills, taking care of any kids, etc. Secondaries, on the other hand, were more like friends or someone you were dating but you weren't super serious with yet. You'll do stuff like to out with them, pay for their meals, whatever, but you wouldn't pay their house or rent payment for them.

Maybe I'm wrong, but to me, that's the difference between a primary and a secondary. I don't expect anyone that is my secondary to be responsible for stuff and don't expect to be held responsible for it either.
 
ok, don’t take anything I say here the wrong way, not criticizing, just trying to understand.

You said secondary’s are like people you date, but aren’t super serious yet, what if it becomes super serious? do you consider them a second primary? I would have assumed if they move in its serious and I would have assumed bills/rent/etc would start when they move in,

... or do secondary’s get extra benefits (no chores/bills) because they are still seen as a guest even when its serious and long term? Or are secondary’s usually only ok with being “second” for so long so it usually doesn’t last long enough to be considered “permanent” hence the guest type benefits?

clearly I’m very new to this so it feels over my head, just trying to wrap around everything, and I know everyone peobubly has their own situation that works for them, I guess im just trying to figure out what the "norm" is that seems to work for most people and how it works
 
You said secondary’s are like people you date, but aren’t super serious yet, what if it becomes super serious? do you consider them a second primary? I would have assumed if they move in its serious and I would have assumed bills/rent/etc would start when they move in
Exactly that, they become a primary too. There are many poly relationships with joint primaries.

Some people even go with primary, secondary and tertiary. primary is a live-in that share all the day-to-day decisions, child-rearing, etc. Secondaries share in the BIG decision-making - like whether everyone is going to move out-of-state and so on - there is a degree of commitment to that relationship. Tertiaries are far more casual - like FWBs - that you together with once in a while but who don't really have a high level of commitment. It's not about degrees of love, it's about the mechanics of the relationship.

As the mechanics change and relationships evolve, then it's quite possible to go between any one of these.

clearly I’m very new to this so it feels over my head, just trying to wrap around everything, and I know everyone peobubly has their own situation that works for them, I guess im just trying to figure out what the "norm" is that seems to work for most people and how it works
I understand your confusion. The things is, there isn't a "norm" that is in any way meaningful - you really have to find out what YOU want, and what your partners want. There's no peer pressure to conform, no strict set of behaviours that you need to follow.

Be yourself, enjoy your relationships and be happy with each other.
 
Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed! :)
I posted on your blog post already.

If you guys are all living together, sharing bills, sharing child-rearing duties and making decisions together, then you aren't his secondary, you are a joint primary, with everything that entails.

Being a primary or secondary has nothing to do with whose bed someone sleeps in, or who they have sex with. It's far more about the domestic arrangements and the decision-making and the degree of commitment present.

This is Poly (there can be joint primaries if it makes sense) not some bad Highlander plot ("There can be only One!").
 
This discussion is also why a lot of poly families don't like the primary/secondary/tertiary titles. They are confusing and cause a lot of grief.
 
This discussion is also why a lot of poly families don't like the primary/secondary/tertiary titles. They are confusing and cause a lot of grief.
if they are misused (and they often are) then I totally agree.

Descriptive rather than prescriptive :)
 
clarification

I wanted to clarify why I'm considering a secondary role. First, I'm tired. I'd like to have fewer responsibilities. Second, it turns me on. Ok, I really hate admiting that but done right, it drives me nuts. Third, both of us are attracted to dominate people - who, at least in our experience, demand a more primary role to feel comfortable.

I believe I am ok taking a backseat so long as my needs are met. However, they are not much of the time. And, this past year has been particularly tough (lost a child and another spent 6 months in intensive care). So really, I need a break. I've asked for 30 days on my own to sort things out and get back in touch with me.

I started a blog on this site. I welcome and super appreciate any thoughts/input.

Thanks all for your points!!! :)
 
I read your blog entry. Welcome.

From the blog, I gather you guys are still in the process of redefining this next installment of your relationship and what role (if any) Colada will play in it.

You have split up bedrooms and cohabitate and coparent. You both work. He's seeing Colada -- and I get the impression you both are hoping it will end up like that M woman -- a dominant to both of you? But minus the cheat/messy aspects of it? She'd be the hinge in your V or it would be a triad situation?

I've got my own chronic patient stuff and been through eldercare for Dad stuff and while this is not the same as losing a child and being in hospital, I can appreciate the HUGE ding to family life a major health crisis can take and the yearning for a break, and someone to come nurture YOU for a change when you are in recovery from grief or from illness. You have BOTH grief and illness recovery to do.

My response was to def stay closed to just me and DH. You are going the other way -- opening up and hoping that the sister of the most recent ex will better suit the bill despite her unwillingness to meet you. (Odd choice!)

This situation has many serious challenges to overcome to succeed. I don't think you guys are starting out with the best odds ever but I do sincerely wish you well and hope you arrive at the place you need to be at.

GL!
GG
 
Last edited:
ok makes so much more sence now! I agree that the terminology can be problematic.. when I hear things like primary secondary etc, my brain auto assumes there can only be one primary, but it makes so much more sence now :) and of course everyone has to find their own way, just nice knowing how things often work for others too, you know
 
There was a discussion on the forums a while back (I'm on my phone so searching for it isn't an option) that discussed the roles of secondaries vs primaries. Basically, what I took away was that a primary was someone you lived with and shared responsibilities such as chores, bills, taking care of any kids, etc. Secondaries, on the other hand, were more like friends or someone you were dating but you weren't super serious with yet. You'll do stuff like to out with them, pay for their meals, whatever, but you wouldn't pay their house or rent payment for them.
That is just some people's general description of the roles, but it isn't really a hard and fast way to determine who is primary and who is secondary. Plenty of secondaries contribute to household bills and chores.
 
Hi pocketpoly86,
I just wanted to welcome you to our forum.

It sounds like you're working on a unique relationship dynamic, and I can see your point about "just wanting a rest from it all" for awhile.

I think you'll find Polyamory.com is a good place to get advice and feedback, although be aware that your blog thread is kind of "sacred ground" and people might hesitate to give you "too much instruction" there. I guess what I'm saying is, be sure to check out other threads and boards, and post there too sometimes.

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top