She's backing out

kamala

New member
I’m fairly new to polyamory and in my first polyamorous relationship right now. I have been lurking round these forums for a while now, learning a lot (not posting as I didn’t really have anything meaningful to contribute!) but things for our little trio have gone badly pear shaped and I just wanted to vent…

The story is: I met a guy, let’s call him N, about 8 months ago. He immediately told me that he was in an open relationship. His girlfriend, let’s call her S and him had been together for almost four years, and had just opened things up. Later, he said that meeting me was something of a catalyst too, although he had wanted to have a more open situation for a while. I started some friendly dialogue with S, wanting to go ahead cautiously and respectfully. We met and got on. Things were going very well. My relationship with N progressed and near the end of last year we started to all hang out together as a trio. We had awesome threesome sex on New Years :) In my mind, and in N’s mind, we were slowly moving towards something more equitable, and S’s fears and doubts along the way were dealt with one by one.

But for whatever reasons, too many to get into here, S gradually came to realize that in fact she wasn’t happy with the idea of sharing N at all. She had felt pushed and forced. She wanted to return to a monogamous relationship with N. About a month ago, things blew up. She had always entertained the idea that she would be the main girlfriend, that my relationship with N would always be casual and less than hers etc even though we had all explicitly agreed on otherwise.

Now, many heated debates and tearful conversations later, S is in the position where she has stated, in no certain terms, that she cannot go on with things the way they are. I am unprepared to step away from a fulfilling relationship, and N is sure now more than ever that he can never go back to monogamy. Although they haven’t officially broken up yet, it seems to me that it will only be a matter of time.

Maybe this post seems cold and unemotional, it’s just that so much has gone on and after everything I feel so numb. The feelings of guilt I feel are surprising me, because in the end I know that I actually have nothing to do with this and that the issue existed with them long before I came along. He wants one thing, she wants another. In fact, for a while I was very angry at them for embarking on this sort of thing while not being on the same page with each other, and I was angry at S for having strung me along, going ahead with more than what she was comfortable with and then just expecting it to all disappear!

N is now, understandably, hurt and feeling emotional. I want to support him in all of this, but wonder if I should just give him time to process it alone? I am so, so saddened to end my friendship with S, but she doesn’t want to speak to me ever again :( I feel ambivalent about what our relationship will be now in the wake of this disaster. I know that S’s friends feel hostile towards me, and N’s family, although they’ve never met me, have always bought into this idea that S was a victim, that N was a bastard to her etc. even though she always maintained that she acted of her own volition etc.

I’m not sure what I’m really asking here, I just needed to get it out there. Has anyone ever experienced this? It seems like a really stupid newbie mistake to make, but what can you do if people change their minds? She agreed, I think, because she didn’t want to lose him. I feel for her, and tried so hard to befriend her, to make things easier. It didn’t work and she hates me regardless.

If she is freed up to find a relationship that suites her better, and I am freed up to have the relationship I want with N, and he too gets what he wants, then I should be happy, right? I don’t know why I suddenly feel so strange about everything :(
 
Really, you have nothing to do with their relationship, even if you care for N romantically and S platonically. The ball is in their court to figure out what to do, but the truth is that S will never be happy being poly and N may never be happy being mono. If they realize this, they quite possibly could break up.

If that happens, you and N have the opportunity to explore a primary polyamorous relationship. If this is the case, then you should allow yourself to be happy. Maybe the relationship between N and S had run its course, and it took meeting you for them to realize it. You don't need to feel guilty for being with someone you can love openly, freely, and on equal terms.

In the meantime, it's probably best if you let each of them know that you carre about them and will be there for them whatever happens, but give them their space. They will figure out what they need to do without interference.

Good luck.
 
Well, you are not alone it seems. There have been several discussions on these forums about such situations. It is very common. No doubt if you have gone back a bit you have found some.... I can't say I know any answers other than what I would do and that would be to continue to protect my best interest and keep myself moving forward to discover relationships that work for me and the people I am with.

Who knows what is going on between them. It really isn't to do with you as the precious poster suggested... I would think that the only thing to do is to be available to chat when he needs to and talk to him about how you feel. In the interim I think I would start getting out there and seeing friends and people who support me and make me feel good. Start doing things that make me feel good about myself and stay distracted until there is some kind of movement to continue forward with him (and possibly her) or not.
 
But for whatever reasons, too many to get into here, S gradually came to realize that in fact she wasn’t happy with the idea of sharing N at all. She had felt pushed and forced. She wanted to return to a monogamous relationship with N. About a month ago, things blew up. She had always entertained the idea that she would be the main girlfriend, that my relationship with N would always be casual and less than hers etc even though we had all explicitly agreed on otherwise.

Sorta like opening a flood gate, eh? She didn't want it to happen, maybe felt that it was the only way to hold on to N, and then realized that it was making her miserable. Now she wants to put the proverbial genie back in the bottle.

I am unprepared to step away from a fulfilling relationship, and N is sure now more than ever that he can never go back to monogamy. Although they haven’t officially broken up yet, it seems to me that it will only be a matter of time.

Your wording, "unprepared," is very appropriate here. Because unfortunately, it's not entirely your choice. You need to prepare yourself for the possibility that this may be over. It could be that eventually, N will realize that he cannot be monogamous, but they could realistically see-saw for months or even years on the issue before reaching a final decision. How long are you prepared to wait?

Maybe this post seems cold and unemotional

It doesn't. It seems sincere and confused and heartfelt.

The feelings of guilt I feel are surprising me, because in the end I know that I actually have nothing to do with this and that the issue existed with them long before I came along. He wants one thing, she wants another.

You said it best, trust your instinct.

In fact, for a while I was very angry at them for embarking on this sort of thing while not being on the same page with each other, and I was angry at S for having strung me along, going ahead with more than what she was comfortable with and then just expecting it to all disappear!

It's good that you're no longer angry with them for this. In a perfect world, everyone would always know exactly how they're feeling and exactly how certain decisions are going to affect them in the future. Unfortunately, humans are not psychic. She was most likely hiding these feelings from herself as much as from you and N.

N is now, understandably, hurt and feeling emotional. I want to support him in all of this, but wonder if I should just give him time to process it alone?

That's a judgement call. My personal opinion is that being close to him puts you in a really good position to understand his feelings, without judging him or criticising him the way his friends and family apparently will. He may need someone on his side. So what if you catalyze their inevitable breakup? Why should they grasp at something that is already falling apart, especially if they have fundamentally incompatible lifestyles?

I am so, so saddened to end my friendship with S, but she doesn’t want to speak to me ever again

Here, you and N can support each other in the mourning process of your relationships with S. You will both obviously be going through very different losses, but I think you can be each other's shoulder to cry on for the other.

It seems like a really stupid newbie mistake to make, but what can you do if people change their minds?

Damn, did your poly crystal ball break on you again? Hate it when that happens!! ... what can you do? Roll with the punches, that's about it...

Don't beat yourself up. Think of it as a learning experience. Whatever experiences you've had in the past didn't prepare you for this situation, and you did the best you could under the circumstances. What more could you ask of yourself??
 
Hey, thanks for the responses :)

I sit down and look at everything, and I don't feel bad about any of the decisions I made, and I don't feel bad in myself for anything, but...

Anyway, enough impotent whining :) I needed to just air some of this and I suppose get confirmation that I'm not some calculating intruder. I feel both elated and really crushed that she might leave, so... just... *sigh*

Thanks for the suggestions :)
 
I sympathise - a situation like this is a nasty one to get involved with and you want the best but aren't sure what that is.

It's hard when one person in a partnership wants to be poly and the other is faced with it. Sometimes you can read all the books, and read all the internet and think you can deal with it, but when it comes down to it, you realise that it just isn't for you. I think that may have been what S has been going through.

In other words she has learned something about herself.

Now N and S have non-negotiable bottom-lines that conflict with each other. They need to get that sorted out. It doesn't matter what triggered it, or what family and friends think. You were just a catalyst - if it wasn't you it would have been someone else.

Your responsibility, as I see it, is to allow them to get themselves sorted out, now that they have this new knowledge. You can't help and, given your closeness to the situation, it would possibly make things worse.

Since S wants things to be monogamous, I would be distancing myself from them for a while - give them the space without her having to worry about what you and N are doing together behind her back. I wouldn't surprised if a lot of monogamous conditioning starts kicking in and you don't want to be close to that, unless you feel comfortable in a role as a punching bag.

I wish you luck in a difficult situation.
 
Hi Kamala,

Yes this is unfortunate but as others have mentioned it kind of comes with the territory. Old ways of thinking don't change easily and I wish everyone experimenting with this change would just know and acknowledge this from the start.

You are right to carry no guilt here ! This is no-fault living/exploring. Everyone made their own choices along the way.

Ciel says it nicely............

In other words she has learned something about herself.

Now N and S have non-negotiable bottom-lines that conflict with each other. They need to get that sorted out. It doesn't matter what triggered it, or what family and friends think. You were just a catalyst - if it wasn't you it would have been someone else.

Take a deep breath, keep a low profile for awhile and let the dust settle where it may. As Schrodingers cat said - these damn crystal balls just don't cut it.

GS
 
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another posted alluded to this but I'm going to say it even more strongly: Don't assume he's going to leave S. unless you have some hard evidence things are moving in that direction. Sorry to sound pessimistic, I've just heard too many stories of guys who promised they were going to leave their primary partner and then never followed through.

Take care of yourself and I'm sorry your first poly experience had to be like this. But just think, in a few more months you'll have learned so much that you'll be on this forum giving advice! maybe..?? :)
 
Unfortunately anytime anyone pretends to be something or to be ok with something that they are not-it matters not WHY they did the pretending-there will be fallout.

I think a lot of people forget, even in poly where we SAY it's all about honesty, that honesty doesn't JUST mean being honest with OTHERS, it also means being honest with OURSELVES.
If you think "could I.... would I.... ???" and the answer is "IDK" then you have no business moving forward until you dig a big deeper into yourself.

*****not ragging on you OP! This just seems to be what happened with S and thus I thought maybe some other reader would find this helpful to avoid the mistake and pitfalls S made causing this heartbreak train for all of you******


Only when you can know YOURSELF fully and honestly are you ready to start sharing yourself fully and honestly with other people. :)

Yes I know we all change-that means this is an ONGOING responsibility to "keep knowing yourself"!!
;)
 
I know I'm kind of late to the party, but for what it's worth, I'm really sorry that happened to you. I can see your pain and personal confusion and heartache in your post and I sympathise deeply. Lately, I worry that my story is going to go down the same road as your's...

But, we can't let our fears guide us, otherwise they'll take us exactly where we're afraid of going.

You can't control how she feels. You can't control what she DOES. It's unfortunate that she felt unable to be open and honest in her relationships, but at the same time...like I said...nobody can control how she feels. I'm sure you and he did all you could to try and ease her mind (and if you think you didn't, learn from the experience).

You didn't do anything wrong. You are not a bad person, or a bad poly lover.
 
Thank you for that :) You're totally right about fear... trying to narrow down the pool of things that I stress about to my own actions and what I can personally control has been the only way to stay sane, I think...

Anyway, update: she has left. Things are quiet now, there are no resentments in any direction and I am meeting her this coming week to see what we can salvage of a friendship...

I think that, once we all realized what we needed, and what was possible taking into account everyone else's needs, the decision for her to move on became pretty clear...
 
I feel like I probably should warn you...

Tread carefully when it comes to friendship with her. Her wounds and your's (not to mention his) are still fresh and raw. She's already shown to have difficulties being open and honest in relationships. Is that the kind of friend you need right now? Will the friendship help you both, or harm you? Or will it be unbalanced?

I can't answer it for you. It's just something to keep yourself aware of.

If it was me though? I'd probably take a break from her, with each of us agreeing to pick up the friendship at a later date, when things are a bit more relaxed and stable.
 
I agree with EdibleStrange. Time apart with no contact will not damage a relationship which has the potential for being a long term friendship or intimate relationship. I have gone as long as two years of no contact with people that are very important to me now. A good connection will survive time apart and if there is going to be a shift in the dynamics of the relationship, time apart is needed......good luck!!
 
Yeah, it sucks. I was in N's position at one point, and I just decided that I was going to be poly and if S (mine was an "S" too!) wanted to be with me, that was great, if not, that was unfortunate but I understood. She started dating around and now is with a great guy who wants to be mono with her. Sucks for me, but everyone has to follow their own happiness. I miss her. :( Wish I had a "K" to help with the heartache. ;)

It's basically N's problem. He's the one that has a decision to make. As for your friendship with S, it sounds like that's over. So as has been said already, comfort each other as best as you can, that's all you can do.

Edit: Sorry, didn't see your last post there, about her leaving and looking to salvage the friendship with S. I sincerely hope it works out, but I think you should both be reminded that she tried to be poly when it went against her nature, and this may be a similar situation. She may want to keep the friendship but not be able to, and she needs to know that being honest with herself and you about this is very important. I would suggest thinking about taking a break from each other for a while and then picking things up slowly and naturally.
 
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