Not Dead Yet!

Sorry to hear that. :( *hugs* It sounds like you were not getting what you wanted in the relationship, so I hope this resolution will bring you happiness in the long term.
 
{Hugs} I hear what you are saying about the loss of connection.
 
@Mya and @Atlantis, thank you. I believe this is for the best but in the middle of being sad and hurt that can be hard to hold onto.

Under 'when it rains, it pours' Beaker probably has cancer. She's been having weird health issues and has tested negative for literally everything under the sun except cancer. She goes in for a biopsy next week to confirm cancer and determine stage. The stage level will then determine treatment.

I am worried for her and sad she has to deal with this.
 
Hugs for you both...
 
@YAH,

Thank you for taking the time to comment. It's much appreciated - and everyone else who commented too.

Beaker can no longer work a full day. She gets too exhausted and nauseated. For someone who would rather work than anything else, this is just devastating. The biopsy was supposed to be today. There will be no immediate results.

I am glad we broke up when we did because if this had happened with me, she would have been alone except for me. I am glad she has her family and friends around her there.

My friends are reminding me why we are friends. They've been great.
 
I hope she gets an answer as soon as possible and it's as positive as it can possibly be. Good luck to both of you.
 
@Icesong, thank you! Me too.

The biopsy has happened. No results yet - takes about a week. I will call later to see how it went.

I am worried. Trying to just acknowledge that and keep going.

Other stuff going on -

A friend, who I have gone on a few dates with, said something to me recently that has stayed with me. I was talking to him about my irrational anger that Whip was basically waiting for me to pull the trigger on the relationship and how much I resent this. If one is truly done with a relationship, it is not a kindness to stick around and wait for the other person to get clued in by your behavior that the relationship is over. I find it passive aggressive and in my more pissed off moments, cowardly. I feel like I wasted the last few months trying to find a way to adjust, to save, a relationship that he had already mentally and emotionally left. If this happens to you, just break up. I personally fucking hate wasting my time in general, and wasting my emotional and mental resources really, really ticks me off. Anyway, he said that irrational anger doesn't work. Anger is an feeling. Irrational describes mental processes, not feelings. So describing anger as irrational is pointless. Apples and oranges. (He said it better and more elegantly. I may ask him to repeat it for me!) Attaching irrational to anger is a way to downplay anger, to discount it and not feel it as much. He was right.

So I decided I am just going to be pissed off about it, even if it isn't 'fair' or 'rational' to feel that. It was something I needed to hear and I am grateful he said so. (I still don't know if this will work out romantically or sexually with this friend but I am sure we will be friends regardless. This makes me happy.)

I am really pissed about how Whip handled ending our relationship. It's not a adult thing to do. I'm not surprised, unfortunately. I've know he is fairly passive about emotional stuff. He won't address a problem on his own generally. So not a new pattern.

I am doing the 40 days no contact thing that NovemberRain discussed on the board some time ago. I find it a very helpful thing. So not talking to him, no texting, I've unfriended him on our mutual social networks. I aim for this not to be permanent. I prefer to remain friends with exes - after all, generally the reasons I loved them are still present. But I don't know if this will work with him. I rather doubt he will put in the time and effort to remain friends. That is in the future though. Now, still pissed.

I have a date tonight. Lovely conversation online. Now to see if the in person chemistry works. Another married, poly man with a few serious relationships. He's looking for a FWB and/or play partner. And he is looking for a woman top/dom. That's something I want to explore too. Eventually, I will want to be in a primary type relationship. But in the meantime, I'm open to FWBs/play partners.
 
Shitty day

So Beaker does not have lymphoma. Her glands are enlarged but not cancerous.

But she does have a large mass in her lung. This mass was not there when they did x-rays in the winter. So if it is cancer, it is very fast growing. She is trying to arrange a biopsy. However, the health system is so fucked up that it will take over a month to just make the appointment, much less to actually do the biopsy. The hospital doesn't seem to care how quickly this showed up, how puzzling it is, and how large it is. She's already weak and getting weaker. It needs to happen much much sooner. I've encouraged her to go out of system if necessary. It may not be cancer but she has tested for anything else they can think of (HIV, TB etc.). They even tested her for cystic fibrosis. I've ever never heard of late onset cystic fibrosis.

Also, my uncle lost his long time partner. He's been with her for as long as I can remember. She's been ill for some time so this is not unexpected but still sad. I really liked her. The funeral is soon. My parents are away and I need to to tell them this news, and that they won't be able to go to the funeral.

Been a really shitty day.

On the other hand, the date last night went really well. I will probably see him again very soon.
 
This mass was not there when they did x-rays in the winter. So if it is cancer, it is very fast growing. She is trying to arrange a biopsy. However, the health system is so fucked up that it will take over a month to just make the appointment, much less to actually do the biopsy. The hospital doesn't seem to care how quickly this showed up, how puzzling it is, and how large it is. She's already weak and getting weaker. It needs to happen much much sooner. I've encouraged her to go out of system if necessary.

This seems like madness to me - is there any way she can advocate for a quicker appointment, either out of system or through a different location? Make a nuisance of herself and call daily? Does it have to go through this one particular hospital, or is there one within driving distance (even if it's a couple hours away) that will take her sooner? This is ridiculously unacceptable. :mad:

Also, my uncle lost his long time partner. He's been with her for as long as I can remember. She's been ill for some time so this is not unexpected but still sad. I really liked her. The funeral is soon. My parents are away and I need to to tell them this news, and that they won't be able to go to the funeral.

Been a really shitty day.

On the other hand, the date last night went really well. I will probably see him again very soon.

So sorry you're all dealing with this stress. Hugs for all of you.
 
I'm so sorry for all this. Beaker's situation is frightening.

I think you can find someone more mature than Whip. You are right, waiting for you to break up with him was a completely cowardly and shitty thing to do. Emotional immaturity, check.

And anger is often totally rational, IMO. Or, as you say, totally unable to be qualified as irrational/rational.

I'm sorry everything is so sad right now.
 
@MeeraReed, and @YouAreHere, thank you for the kind postings! While I post in this blog mostly to work stuff out in my head, I really appreciate the folks who post responses back.

Update on Beaker:

So she talked more with her doctor - or more accurately got her doctor to actually talk with her. The mass is probably not cancer but the result of an infection. So that's good. However, last I heard, they still don't know what is wrong. I'm not sure how this information will affect the tests that likely still need to happen and the course of treatment. So I'm glad it's likely not cancer but concerned still at the lack of a diagnosis. I also lack faith in her doctors, as does she.

So if anyone knows of a good doctor - internist, infectious diseases, autoimmune - really any specialty you may think useful, please PM me. Beaker is in California. I will pass any suggestions on. And if you know of any alternative treatment practitioners, that would be welcome too. (She is working with an energy worker and is aware of the possible usefulness of acupuncture.)

Thank you!
 
I went to the funeral of my uncle's long time companion. A few of my family were also able to make it which was good to see. It was heartbreaking. Not so much about the person who passed. I really enjoyed and liked her and was sad that she was gone. But she had also been really ill for a number of years now. It was not unexpected. My uncle is just heartbroken. He's a gruff, rough but ultimately a gentle person. He had his dog with him at the funeral home. Which I expected. He takes that dog everywhere so I was not surprised. He could not bear to stay in the funeral home while they had the service - he went walking with his dog.

And I see myself in his grief. I see how I could easily be as unable to handle grief, while feeling it so very deeply. How I could be utterly dependent on an animal for emotional comfort and contact. If I had chosen this or that path instead of what has happened in my life.

He's not totally alone but he felt that way to me on that day. I worry so about him. He's old and not well himself. I know my parents will comfort him as best they can. As will other members of the family. But he has become isolated - and I understand how that came to be. I could have easily gone that route, I see clearly how he got to this place, and that breaks my heart all over again.
 
I applied for a job a few weeks ago and just learned that I got it! So excited! :D

As a side note, it's funny to me that my career changes (new job, new responsibilities, etc.) always seem to happen after a break up. I have no idea why. I've decided it's the universe going - 'hey that sucked, here's something good to think about!'

I consider myself very lucky indeed.
 
Last edited:
Yay, congrats on the new job! :)
 
A brief update.

I start my new job shortly. Excited about it. I'm sad to leave the old one - I liked my coworkers immensely and mostly liked what I was doing. But the constant constraints we had to work through just got to be too much.

There's annoying house stuff going on. Fixing the sewer line - which was supposed to be fixed. Needing to call in exterminators. Ugh.

But I find myself rather contented anyway. Lighter somehow. I guess I did not realize how much of a 'drag' dealing with Whip had become these past few months. How much it overshadowed my life. I was actually glad I did not have to deal with him dealing with my emotions while I coped with the death of my uncle's partner and my worry about my uncle. Whip tried his best, I believe that. But he's not currently capable of being a full emotional partner to me in the ways I needed. I hope he evolves emotionally and expect he will over time. I don't blame him for being who he is. (Ok sometimes I do but I am getting over that. People are who they are.) It is increasingly ever clearer to me that I did the right thing pulling the plug. I find myself sad but not devastated.
 
Beaker update:

She was able to get disability despite not having a firm diagnosis. Apparently 'mass in lung' is sufficient. This is good because she could not work - now she can focus on healing and figuring out what is going on.

So she doesn't have cancer but doctors still have no idea what the mass in her lung is. An infection of some kind apparently but what exactly remains a mystery.

And she had a terrible experience with her psychiatrist.

People, never go crazy. Once you do, doctors will never actually listen to anything you say ever again. Even if you have managed your mental health on your own for over 20 years.
 
Glad to hear the disability is no longer hanging over her head... compounding stress with stress is just awful. I hope they figure out what the mass is soon, and are able to do something about it.

Yay on the job, boo on the house. Hope the new job goes swimmingly!
 
Back
Top