@Icesong, thank you! Me too.
The biopsy has happened. No results yet - takes about a week. I will call later to see how it went.
I am worried. Trying to just acknowledge that and keep going.
Other stuff going on -
A friend, who I have gone on a few dates with, said something to me recently that has stayed with me. I was talking to him about my irrational anger that Whip was basically waiting for me to pull the trigger on the relationship and how much I resent this. If one is truly done with a relationship, it is not a kindness to stick around and wait for the other person to get clued in by your behavior that the relationship is over. I find it passive aggressive and in my more pissed off moments, cowardly. I feel like I wasted the last few months trying to find a way to adjust, to save, a relationship that he had already mentally and emotionally left. If this happens to you, just break up. I personally fucking hate wasting my time in general, and wasting my emotional and mental resources really, really ticks me off. Anyway, he said that irrational anger doesn't work. Anger is an feeling. Irrational describes mental processes, not feelings. So describing anger as irrational is pointless. Apples and oranges. (He said it better and more elegantly. I may ask him to repeat it for me!) Attaching irrational to anger is a way to downplay anger, to discount it and not feel it as much. He was right.
So I decided I am just going to be pissed off about it, even if it isn't 'fair' or 'rational' to feel that. It was something I needed to hear and I am grateful he said so. (I still don't know if this will work out romantically or sexually with this friend but I am sure we will be friends regardless. This makes me happy.)
I am really pissed about how Whip handled ending our relationship. It's not a adult thing to do. I'm not surprised, unfortunately. I've know he is fairly passive about emotional stuff. He won't address a problem on his own generally. So not a new pattern.
I am doing the 40 days no contact thing that NovemberRain discussed on the board some time ago. I find it a very helpful thing. So not talking to him, no texting, I've unfriended him on our mutual social networks. I aim for this not to be permanent. I prefer to remain friends with exes - after all, generally the reasons I loved them are still present. But I don't know if this will work with him. I rather doubt he will put in the time and effort to remain friends. That is in the future though. Now, still pissed.
I have a date tonight. Lovely conversation online. Now to see if the in person chemistry works. Another married, poly man with a few serious relationships. He's looking for a FWB and/or play partner. And he is looking for a woman top/dom. That's something I want to explore too. Eventually, I will want to be in a primary type relationship. But in the meantime, I'm open to FWBs/play partners.